I'm going to start treatment

Postby dp2014 » Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:54 pm

Hi to all out there.

Going to cut a long story short. Been suffering with either anxiety, PTSD, Depersonilzation, or OCD as i obsessively think about my condition all day. And its been going on for nearly one yr.

Life was excellent before of March2014. I'm 42, happily married, with two young children. Right now, with my life, there's no reason to be anxious anymore apart from the fact that I think about my condition all day which obviously has a tremendous affect on me. I've triggered a mental illness here and have been struggling to let it go. I was not abused, have a loving family, no marital problems, relatively stress free job, do not believe i would have EVER had mental issues had i not dabbled with recreational drugs back in the 90's. did not have any issues as a kid. (any kids reading this.. Please don't do drugs !)

I did have a major episode & in many ways worse back in the early 90's, when i was a dumb kid, by going to a rave, and I took escasty, LSD and smoked marijuana. Followed by a panic attack..next day i knew i was in for hell from the anxiety i was immediately feeling. Had the worst yr of my life. But i did pull through, and without even really knowing how, it all became a distant memory. Took at least a yr though of severe anxiety, mental OCD type torment, panic attacks, the whole nine yards. BUT i did pull through, and truth be known, i was confident in my own mental state, that i was mentally stronger as a result of all that. I think what pulled me thru was experiencing love / heartbreak a few times over played and broke my train of thought.

Come 2014, 20yrs on, seemingly getting on with my life like any normal person does, i suffered a seriously stressful incident, (but no more than other times in my life) which 'apparently' triggered PTSD I believe though the trauma i suffered back in the 90's was instantly relived, and i've sort of got a double whammy of PTSD. Now i'm just doing OCd to keep it alive. I had a tenant from hell which caused unbelievable amounts of stress, and i lost my ability to relax, sleep, went on sleeping pills, and then started immediately analyzing everything, from a visual standpoint. Like you do if you're on LSD.

Today my symptoms are, still visual, i feel like i'm almost stoned, or on a mild LSD trip. I'm analysing all my colors, feeling spaced out. Bouts of panic that I'll stay like this forever, and the worst part for me is that I spend all day thinking about it. Which only makes it worse.

Decided this week to do something about it.. went into one of these walk in mental clinics and gave them a run down (breaking down in tears) My wife knows what's going on so i took her along. She's mentally solid, never touched drugs so doesn't understand the visual symptoms, but understands i'm going thru a very tough time.

The initial appointment was with a social worker, and she said, sounds to her that i'm suffering from PTSD from the tenant from hell. (who she reckons triggered all of this. Even though i got rid of him in Oct2014) He did cause six months of major anxiety.

However now he's long gone, i've not stopped thinking about my mental state. I've started creating new phobia's and anxiety's in my own mind. Things such as telling myself, all my colors look vivid, or that I'm dizzy, or that the contrast is turned up. Feeling spaced out. Seems to me that I'm fueling it all myself.

I have an appointment with a psychiatric doc in a month and a therapist, cos that was the soonest they could get me in. :( But a month is another long month of suffering to me.

I also have an appointment with my general health practitioner next week. Though during my initial anxiety he offered to put my on some SRRI's, i declined.. Wanted to get thru this without the aid of meds.. However, now realizing i'm just making myself worse. I'm now ready to take the meds. and the CBT and whatever else they recommend.

Can the meds help with the obsessive thinking about this mental illness ? The good news is if I'm socializing, cycling or doing a hobby like thing, it DOES goes away.. ONLY to come back, once i've stopped. Could be all night socializing and being normal.. So i know I'm curable. The key here is to stop thinking about it, and all my symptoms will go away. I've created a 100 visual reminders to myself that i'm off whack... & i just can't stop thinking about it, during my normal routine life.. Remember this has been going on for nearly a yr now.

I need to stop the analyzing, and need to stop the thinking about it... The doc I'm seeing next week is not a head doc, and i know SRRI's take a couple of weeks before anything happens, so going to ask for something, ANYTHING that 'may' help, but not sure what ones i should be asking for. As mentioned in my first sentence, if i was to self diagnose, i'd say I'm OCD cos of the obsessive thinking, PTSD, cos of what happened in 93, and March 2014, and general anxiety cos i can't stop worrying about my mental state.. I very much doubt anything wrong with my physically, and i even had my eyes checked, which came back 20/20

Sorry for the long story (even though I said i'd cut it short) just feel its important to explain the entire history.

If the SRRI's don't help, i'm just scared i'll live a miserable life full of ocd like crap to deal with for the next 20-30yrs. Not suicidal, but not feeling great either, and not embracing life. Feel bad for my wife, who's lost her husband to this illness.
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#1

Postby Ordinary » Thu Jan 08, 2015 5:06 pm

Hi dp2014... I'm new around here, too, but not new to obsessive thinking.

I will say that the meds helped me not to obsess *as much* but didn't take away the over-thinking aspect of my personality.

Obviously, I don't know if your issue truly stems from what happened in the past but the point is that you now have what sounds like a full-fledged anxiety disorder. I do, too. I understand how you feel and that "out of body" experience... it sux.

It sounds like you're doing the right things... and have to be patient, which I know isn't what you want to hear. But it's the truth. It might take time to find the right balance of therapies and meds.

Your wife sounds wonderful... very supportive. You're blessed in that way, aren't you?
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#2

Postby dp2014 » Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:20 pm

I know the road to healing is accepting. However that's the part I'm struggling with. I don't want to be the person with a mental health issue. I was a very normal person prior to March 2014... Perhaps a little ocd on stupid things like toilet doors.. but more of a quirk... Stable in the mind i'd say.

Nowadays I find myself freaking out over things I know that are complete BS. Do I really believe my colors or contrasts are brighter. NOPE... Why cos that's something I made myself anxious over a few months AFTER the initial anxiety. Didn't exist at the first stages of all this anxiety.. My guess, is i picked up on it one dang day, analyzed it, said to my subconscious mind, woo this is like you're having a flashback... Got into a bit of a panic over it, and now it sticks... Whenever i'm under artificial light, my mind / perception almost changes the hue for me. Just enough so that it sends me on that horrible thinking pattern, that never wants to let go.

I've set myself all these goddam visual reminders that keeps me here in this thought pattern. I'm not even really anxious anymore.. at least not that anxiety where you're heart is beating faster and you're having tremors and palpitations. Mine is now a sort of OCD anxiety, where i know my mind isn't letting go. keeps telling me, that looks weirder than normal doesn't it.

I'm really really struggling at the moment.. That's why on Monday i told the wife, i need help for this. Its not going away by itself, its manifesting itself into more phobias and all these visual reminders I've set myself. and went into the walk-in clinic

I was a person who's scared of taking medications, but right now, what other options do i have? I've also just purchased the book, At last a life again, by Paul David. But is it really going to tell me anything i don't already know.. That all my visual anxieties are just my mind playing tricks on me, cos of the initial anxiety, PTSD or whatever they're going to diagnose me with. I'm doing everything right. Eating, exercise, taking new hobbies, socializing for temporary relief, even bought a dog. lol... but taking her for walks at night involves walking under a very yellow light that reminds me of my mental illness to me. Just ignore i keep saying to myself, but truth is, its causing me mental distress. Sometimes after a workout, and my endorphins or whatever they're called, kick in for that few mins of positive attitude & i and say, this is all going to pass don't worry yourself !!!! , but is it? Its already been a yr almost, and i'm in a calming environment, as close to family, and i'm just getting myself worse and worse.
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#3

Postby dp2014 » Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:36 pm

I just want to add, though i had bouts of depression since March14. Like the ones where you're ready to check out... They only lasted a few days... (much the same as i had in 93') Of course, i've not exactly been full of beans over this... But my main problem is the detachment / spaced out / feeling like I'm on a 'mild' but enough to freak me out mind altering drug, nearly 100% of the time.

I really could do with some advice on what SRRI's that are most likely to work in my situation.
Last edited by dp2014 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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#4

Postby Ordinary » Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:37 pm

Here's the thing, dp2014,

I'm so sorry you're struggling and understand it very well.

In my experience, until you get the meds or therapy going... you *won't* stop worrying. You are expecting to be able to control it by sheer will. Again, I understand it. I have been on and off my meds for years. YEARS. I feel better, go off, and then crash at some point and have to start all over again. I hate, hate medication... especially mood altering ones. They cause bad interactions with my migraine meds, too, which causes problems.

As far as your visual experiences, at this point you don't know for sure what is causing them. You have to be patient and I know it's the last thing you want to hear. But really, what other choice do you have?

If you are seriously crashing... I would go back to the doctor and tell them that. If so, you need help *right now* not a month from now.

Best wishes as you continue on this path... I can tell it's a very rough one for you and wish I could give you words that would comfort you. All I can say for sure is that I've been there in many ways and am still here to talk about it. You will get through this!
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#5

Postby Ordinary » Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:39 pm

dp2014 wrote:I really could do with some advice on what SRRI's that are most likely to work in my situation.


I have used several. Ciprolex seems to work best but it's the one I like the side effects of the least. It addresses both depression and anxiety.
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#6

Postby dp2014 » Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:56 pm

Just wanna say thanks, for the advice.... I'll ask my doc next week what he recommends. Not sure there are many others suffering with the color thing... I guess we all have our own anxiety's that we fabricate. (mine is probably the colors from the scare and knowing that's what LSD does) Going back to the SRRI's The list and all their names send me dizzy alone.. Hate to know that i'm going to become a test rat, trying this and that looking for improvement. But just wanted to say thanks to you Ordinary for your input..

If anyone else has suggestions of what has worked well for them, please chime in... Good luck to you all.
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#7

Postby dp2014 » Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:56 pm

Just really wanted to update this thread, as things have been dramatically improving recently.

Soon after my OP i visited my GP, he put me on Zoloft, and only a very weak dose 25mg, for about 2 weeks, moved up to 5mg for about 2 weeks, then back down to 25mg (as a taper off) I'm now off them, as i feel i do not need them anymore.

I only spend a small part of the day thinking about all of this now. Which is like 1000% BETTER than all the day. My mood is really elevated as a result. I've come to the conclusion that my visuals have not really changed, only my heightened state is / was making me fake to myself that they were.

I try and keep myself as busy as possible, washing, waxing cars, cleaning my motorbike, doing whatever i can really to pull myself thru.

Also read the book from Paul David a life at last, which really just solidifies what i already knew.. Acceptance.... Colors being brighter, is that really going to hurt you? NOPE... So don't let it scare you.. Anxiety, is that gonna kill you ? NOPE !!!!! Accept that occasionally you're going to just have a bad day... and don't fight it.... just live alongside it for now.. It will eventually pass. Don't set a time to it... It was / is all just a bad self made habit we all do to ourselves.

Also saw a therapist who tried out some PTSD therapy taking me back to my episode in 93.. not sure if that really helped, I dunno maybe it did? maybe not. My advice to people that are going thru any of this sort of crap, is go seek treatment.. I thought i'd just let time beat it, and it didn't.. Just made it worse. Any reminiscents i'm experiencing now is just bad habit from some of the later phobia's i introduced myself.... The spaced out DP/DR feeling are much less than they once were, and well the fact that i'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel is giving me a HUGE boost in confidence that this is very beatable.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not totally out of the woods yet, but this is livable. Staring to enjoy life again. It's been almost one yr....

Meeting new people, socializing (which i know maybe hard for some of those with social anxiety, is also a help to me)

I've also started taking some Klonopins as the give me what I consider a normal nights sleep, without all the waking every 3 hrs and allow me to get that nice and relaxed feeling of dozing off, just before bedtime, as i very much enjoyed before all this crap... I was always anxious at night, i think the not being able to sleep during all of this, which was really the initial trigger and some of that remains. So the klonopins help there... Gotta be careful on those though... as i hear people can get addicted.. I'll keep it at a low dose and maybe if after a few weeks, i'll taper off like i did on the zoloft. I'm kinda lucky in that i don't have an addictive personality.. As in i could never be an alcoholic as an example. Don't want to be a pill popper just to be normal. I think once i break out of the 'HABIT' of being anxious at night, i can come off these things.

One thing I will say, is recovery or at least the sight of it not too far away feels absolutely fantastic !!!

Good luck people,
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#8

Postby Sector78G » Mon Apr 09, 2018 12:29 pm

Hello dp2014.

I know these are old posts, but I was wondering if there is some way I can contact you?

I haven't found anyone with such a remarkably similar story to mine and I was hoping you might be able to offer some advice?

Glad to hear you got through it!
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#9

Postby Candid » Mon Apr 09, 2018 3:10 pm

Hi Sector78G, and welcome to the forum! :D

The guy who started this thread hasn't posted since 2015, so I very much doubt that he's reading now.

I suggest you start a new thread, maybe read some other threads and get comfortable here. When you have 30 posts you'll be able to PM dp2014 if you still want to. Most people get notification of PMs to the email address they signed up with, so it's possible you'll get in touch with him that way.

Most of all I hope you enjoy participating.
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