Been smoking since i was 13. just wanted to be one of the boys. can remember my first session (dont know how) and it was amazing. started smoking fags (cigarettes to you yanks) to be able to smoke the Js. now 38 and have had about a total of 12 months off in various half arsed attempts at quitting. have to do it now cos the wife is pregnant and i need to sort my sh*t out mentally and financially, and to be a normal husband. its unfair on her to be a dribbling wreck on the sofa.
there was nothing wrong with my life - normal upbringing (my dad was a policeman!) went to uni, got a degree, 8 months backpacking round the world. then came back to my hometown to, well, to get on with my life i suppose. because of being wrecked all the time got an easy, boring, dull job. didnt care tho, i was in my MJ bubble. normal day - wake and bake, go to work, maybe sneak one in lunchtime, home, spliff straight away, then at least another 5 thru the evening. along with a bottle of wine. most nights cant remember going to bed. wake up feeling rough. repeat the process. this went on for years.
also would be quite partial to many other drugs - mushrooms (welsh ones are crazy), coke, pills etc wotever was on offer. i can definitely say now that this abuse has mashed my brain and prevented me from going anywhere in life.
so with a baby on the way i need my brain back to sort my business out so it will work and provide for us.
this is wot i have been through, even if telling my story helps just one person it will be worth it. i have spent pretty much all week reading this forum and i dont think id be where i am now without it. i just wanted to give something back.
Mon 6 jan 2015 - day 1
bought a quarter on friday and spent all weekend caning it to finish it by sun night. bad idea, should have tapered off.no work monday so sat in my shed (cant smoke in the house anymore) smoking about a million fags an hour. felt absolutely crazy - depression, wobbly head, asking myself do i really need to stop?where can i score from?, f**k this sh** i cant do it, irritable, snappy just generaly a complete backside.could have easily stabbed someone in the face for no reason.dont know how i got thru that day! ate almost nothing
tue
no work again (this added to craziness as i really need to work, skint), almost no sleep mon night, unbelievable sweats in the night but always cold. all day the same craziness but sorted some work out for a bit so felt better.just need to sleep tonight for work 2moro. ate almost nothing. how crazy is this - just couldnt get warm so got in boiling hot shower completely covered in goosebumps and they didnt go for about 10 mins.wanted to know wots up with me so looked on net and found this forum - lifesaver
wed
almost no sleep again, sweats etc. work was fine (im an electrician, plumber, bathroom fitter, tiler). bit light headed at times and just feeling not right, like about to get the flu.ate almost nothing
thu, fri,sat
same sh** as last few days but feeling better about it as i know its my body and brain fixing itself. have had 2-3 hrs of sh** sleep a night and almost no food all week but somehow thats not effected me that much. in work now and again get weird flu type feelings. after work sat went to the pub and got fairly shitfaced hoping ill get loads of sleep. didnt work.
sun (today)
big hangover. first piss in the morning was only just in liquid form so dehydrated. the 'shall i go and score?' question thats been bouncing around in my head all week has stopped cos i dont want another week like this one again.ate a massive chinese meal, feel so much better for that. as im typing this i need to go to bed for work but feel wide awake. not fighting it anymore as i feel its not really effecting me anyway(yet?)
whenever ive had a ganj craving this is how ive stopped it - smoke a fag and listen to my most favourite songs, sitting in my shed on my own banging my head to the beat, anything to forget wot my brain is trying to make me do - score and smoke. if you want to/are trying to quit you must listen to these songs - Kid Cudi; Alive, Pursuit of Happiness and Day N Nite. these 3 songs i have listened to 100 times each this week. i have kept listening to them over and over till the cravings gone, sometimes 10 mins sometimes an hour, works a treat for me. go on youtube and watch the videos with the lyrics.
I know i have smoked my last spliff, moderation isnt my thing as ive spent the last 25 yrs proving, cant do it. i will miss MJ as she has saved my life in the past (wont go into that here) but it has also put my life on hold. you cant see it once your fully in her grip.
gonna have a go at a bit of kip now, need to be up in 5 hours
wanted to say so much more but this post is long enough already, sorry
Furtive, if your out there your post helped me the most. thank you so much