Hello everyone,
I felt the need to post my progress today. Next week will mark 8 full months abstinence from cannabis. Also, I have not used alcohol, tobacco or other drugs during this time. I wish that I could report a full recovery, but I do not feel that is the case yet. I must admit that my recovery seemed to take a turn for the better about a month ago. I was and still am getting physical symptoms to some degree or another; mainly dizzy spells, anxiety surges, head pressure, head and neck aches, buzzing or static head, and brain fog plus dp/dr. The main improvement was that my mood seemed to stabilize. Meaning that I felt a wave of calm or acceptance finally sweep over me. I simply just tried to live and be at peace, regardless of how I was feeling physically.
For me, the worst part of the day is always the morning. I seem to get up way earlier than I need to, and then feel spaced out, groggy and dizzy until a few hours later. Though my sleep has improved, that is also still plagued with spells of insomnia. On a good night I'm usually getting about 7 hrs of sleep but with at least 3-4 interruptions. Not once in this withdrawal process have I slept completely through the night. I truly hope I will someday. I also still have the occasional night panic attack, in which I awake about an hour after falling off. I feel like I'm going to faint and under extreme duress. These attacks happen about once a month now, and come out of nowhere. They are not pleasant, but certainly not the severity or frequency I experienced the first two months.
So, in a nutshell that is where I am at. I must say that I believed my mood to have gotten much better, though today I'm not so sure. As my symptoms improved over the past few weeks, I've been really using my energy to exercise at the gym to a much fuller capacity. I am now wondering if I've pushed myself a little too soon as these past few days have been plagued with fatigue, depression, and head buzzing/pressure. I don't feel extremely depressed, but I'm definitely not enjoying things. Everything seems grey, boring, and meaningless again. I definitely notice that these mood swings come in waves. I know that seems to be the case for many, but still wonder if I am bi polar or something. Also, this fatigue that I feel has not come on for a couple months now, and I wonder why it's returned. I felt pretty normal for most of last week only to return to the 'bottom' of the wave again. I believe that I am making progress, but am losing my grip on making it through to the end of this PAWS. I seriously question what this is all worth if I'm so damn unhappy now. Though my head is much more clear, my physical body much more in shape, and my spirit in a much more peaceful place, my mind seems to still be plaguing me with anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms of dizziness and weird cranial static and pressure.
I'm still fearful of touching weed, but I just want to feel normal and happy again, and contemplate what or when I will get that true peace and happiness back. Right now it just seems fake and manufactured happiness I portend.
Thanks for listening. I pray that all may see the light at the end of the tunnel and never have to look back at these PAWS again.