Fear of failure

Postby dreamahead » Mon Mar 16, 2015 4:54 am

Hi Guys, this is my first time using one of these forums so I'm a little skeptical on how it will go, but I"m willing to give it a try :)

The quote "fear of failure" I actually heard from a football (soccer) manager last year. It seems that I've noticed all my life I've had an underlying fear of failure or never really been proud of my "achievements". This year more than ever, I'm struggling to regain confidence and I'm on auto pilot.

A brief overview of what is of me and why my confidence has hit rock bottom: So I'm currently 22 years old, and my sport is football (soccer). I feel as if I have a love hate relationship with football. Right now it's hasn';t been the best of seasons for me on a personal note. I play for an amateur team with a lot of ex pros/semi-pros which makes the standard high but attainable. I've currently been in and out of the team. Some games I"ll play and some I'll sit out. The games I sit out and don't get to play I really take it to heart. Even games I do play and don't perform really affects me. I know life is so much more than football, but it is the one thing that keeps me sane. I see it as my form of "meditation" since I don't think of anything during the 90 minutes. However the one thing that I think I'm relatively good and put the amount of hours is not making me happy and I"ve not been enjoying it. The reason why I take an amateur league so seriously is because at the age of 18-19 I was tipped to getting signed a pro contract. Unfortunately I wasn't good enough and I wasn't signed. However at 21, I did get offered a contract but a pro club but by then I was actually enjoying my football with this amateur club and things were flying. I was plying well, starting all my games and had a girlfriend that was amazing. So life was good, but things changed...

It might be other issues that have affected my performances on the pitch. Since the summer of 2014, I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year and half being together. I had been through a break up before thinking it would be better, but this one hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I'm not sure if I"ve fully recovered from depression, but I think I"m at a phase of acceptance. I had a torrid 5-6 months of awful negative thoughts, at one point it was so bad I was having suicidal thoughts and went to see a psychiatrist. I really don't want to go back into that hole again but I can sense at times that it can crack. I think about her everyday, and I can't do anything to change the situation.

In conclusion, I'm trying to figure out how I can change things in my life around. It's like a vicious cycle at the moment. Confidence is low off the pitch which shows poor performances on the pitch, which in turn lowers my moral and self-esteem, which shows in the outside world. You see when you have everything and it is taken away from you it is difficult to see the joy in what you had. I've lost the girl who I so dearly cared about, I lost my joy for football, and I've lost a lot of confidence. So right now I've been closed off from girls to prevent myself from getting hurt and to a certain extent football. But the one thing I can't loose is my confidence and my head otherwise nothing will work. Maybe you guys have some valuable thoughts and are far more experienced in life than I am.

P.S. I know this may sound like such minor problems compared to other peoples events and situation, but it really has taken a toll on me mentally so your thoughts count.

Thanks for listening!
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:33 pm

You can only fail in one of two ways;

(1) You give up
(2) You compare yourself to others

Take away those two sources of perceived failure and you will eliminate fear.
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#2

Postby AllConfidently » Tue Mar 17, 2015 2:04 am

"Change your mind, change your life"

Stop beating yourself up about what happened in the past. You need to let it go, but before you do that, take a second, analyze it and change the way you look at it. Shift your mind to positive.
(You might need to dig deep down to find the root cause of your misery, maybe something in your childhood, your missed chance to go pro, your ex)

We learn from the mistakes that creates fear, because they guide us to the next step. Embrace it.

Also, it seems you try so hard to regain what you had before that you are actually moving backwards. Let the good feelings you had flow through again without expectations. Relive it over and over again.
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#3

Postby mindbodyvortex » Thu Mar 19, 2015 12:04 am

Fear is uncertainty. That is the basic form. All fear stems from that. Knowing that, you are uncertain that you will succeed. Stop worrying about the future that far ahead. Be who you are and do what you want to make it to where you want to go TODAY. Take baby steps and live in the moment and there is no room for fear.
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#4

Postby joey262015 » Thu Mar 19, 2015 3:21 am

Hey man,
The title of your post caught my eye. So I started reading. Seeing that you went through some break-ups. Having a boring life as it seems right now.
But I tell you my friend. Out of something bad, something good can come out.
First ask yourself: " What good can come out of these experience"

I've met failures in my life. At first I would ask myself: "why this or why that". But now I just see my failure as a temporary defeat. We all face the "fear of failure" sometimes. Thats a part of life.
The question is: "what will you do with it". Sometimes we have to get beaten down before we really get what we want.
What do you want. Do you really to get a contract of your dreams? will you give up?
Or will you fight for your dreams man?

As a good friend would do, I say :" FIGHT FOR YOUR DREAMS MAN".
I believe that you can do it!

I trust that this reply will help you.
BTW: it takes a lot of guts to post your story on the internet. Great confidence
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#5

Postby vic602 » Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:12 am

Break ups are almost always a sting to the ego. Some of them worse than others. However, it's typical of a young male your age, full of testosterone and dreams of the future to feel like someone has driven a truck over them when they are rejected. The good news is therre is something you can do about it.

The part of you that really hurts is your ego and the part of you that is in fear is also egoic based. An overly bloated ego is always fearful because it must defend its definition of who you are. Take heart in knowing everyone suffers when they let their ego control them.

As a wruter, researcger I have a core understanding of your problem.Here's what I would do and have done myself at those times when my ego misbehaves. Stop identifying with who your ego tells you to be. Say to yourself something like this, "I am not a success and I am not a failure, I just am." Think about the power and freedom that comes with those words. Once you've adapted these words as the real truth, the fear disappears. Once the fear disappears, you can focus on the game (love or football). Once you focus, you succeed.

You are very young and that's a good thing because you can go forward in your life enjoying life for the sake of living it being aware that both your wins and your losses are but temporary moments in your life.

I also suggest spending time in contemplation. Stare your fear (ego) down. Dispassionately examine it like you might a pair of shoes you see in the store, but have no interest in purchasing. Watch what wonderful things happen when you do this.
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#6

Postby JuliusFawcett » Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:33 pm

The words "I am" are really powerful, so much so that I created a video to help you harness the power of "I am" by change your self talk to have a massive effect on your life experience

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgzVZNP ... YwdCN2DLoN
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#7

Postby dreamahead » Wed Apr 15, 2015 3:11 am

Hey, Guys first of all I just want to thank you so much for the positive replies I got from when I posted last. I really makes me happy that people like you take the time and effort out of your day to help someone in need.

Just a quick update on since I last posted. So it's been over a month since I last posted and things have been up and down, but I would like to think that it has gotten better. Recently football has been getting better but I broke my nose last game and there's a chance I might miss out on this international tournament that I wanted to make, but we'll have to see how quickly I heal after my surgery.

I'm still having daily battles of getting over my ex. I've made a real conscious effort to move on, but I've noticed that I've somewhat got my mind into a daily trend of thinking about her constantly and replying past events in my head and future scenarios in my head. She is the past yet I still fear on what is about to happen and giving her so much thought when I could be loving myself a lot more.

With my previous ex I remember, it took my a long time to get over her but I remember anger got me over her as she had cheated on me. My current ex, is just a lingering thought that bothers me. I've deleted her off social media, and there are times where I think that I need to look at photos of her to be comfortable again at looking at her not feeling anything. It's been 8 months and I still can't look at a photo and feel extremely bad. I can exactly describe you how I feel the last two times I've seen new photos of her: My body starts to freeze, I feel my heart rate increase and my body becomes a little numb but also heats up at the same time. Kind of like having a high fever of some sort. Similar to coming up when on MDMA or extacy too hard and it's not a nice feeling at all.

I'm not sure how I can overcome this type of emotion when looking at her. I'm not sure if I'm putting this problem under the carpet or if I'm in denial of some sort.
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#8

Postby JuliusFawcett » Wed Apr 15, 2015 6:37 am

It's useful to get into the habit of change and to learn to let go more easily in general, try to introduce more variety into your life, clean out your living environment, throw away some old stuff, take up a new hobby, focus on being in the moment, let go of the past, help out in your local community, get a good balance between work, rest and play, go for country walks, eat well, drink well, be thankful for what you have and forgive the past.
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#9

Postby AllConfidently » Wed Apr 15, 2015 3:20 pm

Maybe its time to engage in a new relationship. It is hard to forget when there is nothing new to be excited about.
You don't have to erase her from your memories but you have to let her go from your thoughts.
As you see it is not doing any good for you right now and you are miserable.
Try to shift your thoughts from her and avoid situations which reminds you of her.
It is not easy being heartbroken, but things can help like, as the answer above me suggests: take up on new activities, throw out old stuff etc.
Take each day as a bew beginning to something greater.
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#10

Postby felicity » Thu May 21, 2015 1:21 pm

Hi friend,

every fear is inside the programmed the negative experiences, do think positive to kill your fear.

Read more details ...
instituteofselfmastery blogs
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#11

Postby SueNami » Thu May 21, 2015 4:31 pm

IMO it seems like it's been an awful long time to not have lost that emotional charge... so here's my questions/input.

What did your breakup REALLY mean to you? (I.e., is it losing the potential of a family, did her love for you define your value as a bf/man? do you think you could have/should have done something differently and now feel like you failed?)

How does your relationship to her tie to your passion for football?

Can you define that emotion you feel when you see a picture? (may want to look up a list of human emotions. circle the ones you think it might be. Sorrow? Disappointment? Resentment?

... I don't even know that I have advice, but I think reflecting on this a bit will help point you in a direction.
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#12

Postby hoggerpop » Sun Jul 26, 2015 5:07 pm

There was a quote once that really hit me like a truck or a very good beef burger.
"You can only fail, when you choose to fail"

Failure is the mother of success. I mm sure you heard of this before. Its okay to fail, as long as you know why it happened and learn from it. We are humans after all , you cannot expect to play well in every game. I swear that even professional players have days where they feel like total sh** and cannot perform for nuts! This is life, there are ups and downs. Life isnt all about the rainbow. Welcome to reality , where negative sh** are so real that a positive human mindset can change 180 degree in just a minor event. It could be not receiving any viewers on your blog for 1 day and you feel its all over.

Sometimes, putting the problem into perspective can help. For example , your case. You said how you take it to heart that you cannot get to play. Well it could be because the coach wants you to rest and take a break. Or it is fair for everyone to have a chance.

Next point , you said how you couldn't perform your best on the field. As long as you tried 100 percent , you have perform your best. No matter what harsh comment people throw at you , you have to understand that YOU HAVE DID YOUR BEST. There is nothing they can do about it. What done is done, worry about the future instead of the past

On the the final point , about your breakup. Its normal to feel sad. But understand that the breakup happen because you two are not meant for each other. Understanding means acceptance. There is no point crying for spilled milk. Its spilled so get over it. It may be hard to get over it , but there is a whole mart selling fresh milk! No point giving up a forest for a tree.

My final suggestion for you is to live positively. Open your mind to positive ideas and dont let any negativity put you down. Every failure means a chance to bounce back up. Just like the stock market, when it fall it will rise higher than before. Make sure you rise higher than before and hit a new peak in life

Hopefully you had gain some insight from this post. Peace
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#13

Postby BillThames » Sun Aug 16, 2015 5:58 pm

First off...very cool that you are good enough at soccer to hang with the big boys!

Secondly...yep breaking up sucks, but time heals all. It wasn't meant to be, so for get her and move on- no other choice.

I'm a black and white kind of thinker...surround yourself with people with accept you for you, and the right girl will come along...when you least expect it.
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