How to be the real me in every situation?

Postby Sohia Ou » Fri May 08, 2015 11:11 pm

Why do I feel good and confident when I am alone, and everything change when I am around people?

People expect us to be confident and strong. We make a good impression when we are confident. My problem is that, I can't be myself when I meet new people. I have a fake personality, which is showing to strangers, especially at work. I pretend shy person, feeling quite good about myself inside at the same time. People think there's something wrong with me, they say, annoying things like ,,don't be so afraid, everything is fine". I am not shy, this is just my behavior. I need to get rid of it. This mechanism is bad for my future.

I need more confidence for public speaking and in general for my job. I don't want to behave like afraid, little girl. This is not the real me. I am a grown-up woman. How to show my real personality? How to work on that?

Maybe I don't trust people. Everyone is a stranger, and then I am not very interested in them. It feels like I don't want to invest time and energy in people, that are going to let me down anyway. I have a good, supporting family and good friends, but I need more succesful communication with everyone. I like people, but I don't trust them, that's why I don't let everyone get to know me. Well, strange problems ;) The result was always the same, people who don't know me think I am completely different than I am, and friends have the opposite image of me.

I want to be myself wherever I am. Without this ,,schizophrenia".

My goals are:
1. Public speaking
2. Being the real me, stop pretending
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#1

Postby bert_ernie » Sat May 09, 2015 4:37 am

hi,

what you have described is to me shyness. perhaps you dislike this word shy & so that is why you say "i am not shy"? otherwise, how do you see a shy person as being? & how are they different from you?

when you are with friends, you know how you will be received. you have been accepted by friends & so you don't have to wonder, "do they like me?", "what will they think of me?" & all that kind of thing.

there is also like an acting in roles kind of thing that seems to happen in groups. often times people will take on different roles within a group. one becomes the mother. one becomes the child. one becomes the fool. one becomes the wise old man. anyhow, once you've been around each other a lot, it seems that you may fall into a particular role when you are around a particular group. & people within the group see you in this role. or see you as that thing. ie they see you as a child, as wise or whatever. & in seeing how they see you, you can come to see yourself in this way. regardless of how you are in reality.

imagine a child that is 15. that child when with a group of younger children may be seen as an older, stronger, more experienced human to be looked up to & emulated. now imagine that same child with a group of adults. now the child may seen to be an annoying brash child. too big for his boots. or irresponsible. or anyhow, seen as young & immature. so that could be confusing for the child. how can he deconflict all these different images he sees of himself in others eyes?

there could be a case of at the start when you first meet a person or a group of people, you are unsure as to what role you will be cast. in this group how will i be seen?

anyhow, you are always "being yourself". there is no "fake you". even the "fake you" is a part of the "real you". it is more a matter of how to be a confident version of yourself? how to expand your comfort zone so that you are confident in more situations?

also i know what you mean about not trusting people - i can tend to be that way too. but perhaps you don't trust yourself also? ie trust yourself to be able to bend any situation to your benefit. trust that you can befriend & charm anyone you meet.
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#2

Postby Sohia Ou » Sat May 09, 2015 11:59 am

Thank you for your answer :)

That's true, I hate the word shy. You can't describe a person with one word. It is a limiting belief. You can say someone has a kind personality, which might have been true, but what if this person suddenly gets angry? Is he/she an angry person all the time?

I often feel uncomfortable in social situations. So am I shy forever? Of course not. I can be confident as well. It depends on a situation.

The role we are playing in a group is not our choice :( That means we live in a cage. I don't fit here. I don't judge people quickly, I don't put them into categories. I can't see myself as shy or confident person, I am both. I want to get outside limiting beliefs that others have. I want to be myself.

When you call someone a shy person, you expect she will sit quietly and hide from people. But all of us have the right to express themselves. Doesn't matter what others think of a person, she/he is something else.

I am very happy performing on stage. I know how to overcome a stage fright when I dance. But I need to improve public speaking.

I've learnt some fake behavior to survive at school, no one will hurt a shy, little girl.... But this not the real me. Everything depends on a culture you were born. In my culture shyness is seen as something very bad.

Do you like the idea of playing roles in a group? Can anyone escape from this?
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#3

Postby bert_ernie » Sun May 10, 2015 12:12 am

ah i understand.

i used to feel the same way. & where i live it is the same, being called shy or quiet is almost like an insult. especially as a man. any time someone would tell me how quiet i am, i would receive it as if i had been struck & would quietly hate that person:) nowadays it doesn't bother me quite so much for some reason. i guess i no longer see shyness or quietness as such a bad thing.

i agree with you to an extent that labeling yourself & identifying with a label can be damaging or at least self-perpetuating. so you don't have to accept these labels others put on you, but you should try to be honest with yourself. if you're constantly just running away from the label of shy, perhaps it's difficult to address the situation & act differently in a way that would not be perceived as shyness.

it's not that the role is not our choice. it works both ways i think. so perhaps you see yourself one way & a group sees you another way. & if you hold firm that you are your way & act in accordance to how you see yourself, then over time the group will see you as you see you. it is also possible if you hang around a bunch of people that think of you as weak & helpless, you come to see yourself that way also.

ie others are constantly learning who we are by how we act in situations. they are constantly redefining how they see us. & we are constantly learning who we are through the eyes of how others see us.

anyhow, you don't necessarily need to worry about all this. a few things you could try:

- expanding your comfort zone. gradually putting yourself in situations just outside of what is comfortable for you until they become comfortable for you.
- when in situations where you act "shy", often times we are thinking about what others are thinking about us. so seeing ourselves through others' eyes. you could practice just thinking about the other person. trying to see how they are doing, being curious about them. put the focus on them rather than on you.

also do some googling about shyness. you don't have to label yourself as "shy" but perhaps it would help to understand if you act in a shy way, what is going on & what you could do differently.
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#4

Postby bert_ernie » Sun May 10, 2015 1:28 am

here's one link: http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Shyness that looked pretty good. i'm sure there are others out there.
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#5

Postby Sohia Ou » Sun May 31, 2015 6:22 pm

Now it gets better. Thank you for your reply. I will build my confidence step by step, as I do for years. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to change something. Acceptance is the key to happiness. I am fine even being shy. I observe myself and I can see some habits I have learnt, but do not need anymore. Only psychopat can be 100 % confident in every situation. I started a new job, and felt a bit lost as a little girl, but now I know what to do. I am competent at my job, why not to be confident?
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#6

Postby laureat » Sun May 31, 2015 10:03 pm

The first problem is natural
If i approach you too much excited
And i say
Heyyyyyyy howwwww you doinnn???

You will naturaly become excited

My state of the mind will also effect your state of the mind

It is like when you call a dog, excited, the dog will run towards you and want to play


There is nothing wrong about excitement and play - it is a friendly state of the mind

And the difference between you standing now home at the computer, is because you can relax more

Outside you have to adapt to the tempo

I would become excited if i approach you outside

But after the greetings, the excitement will decrease , and we will be more relaxed
And we may even say nothing but simply to enjoy there

We surrender to each other, like if we are hugging

And wr start to become simply relaxed, alertness, speaking
More of what you searching to be


Another problem is expectations
In modern life, we lead ourselves to different expectations so we keep ourselves on pressure

Maybe we want to impress
Maybe we want to get some result

And so the mind is somewhere on the future, a goal,
And that also brings excitement and tension

So like if we would meet together now
You can simply surrender, all tension
like i am giving you a hug

So you dont feel like a batle
You dont feel like fighting
But you simply enjoy being

You may be courius about me and ask different questions , but you are not doing to impress it is simply a pure curiousity

Like when a kid asks what this knob do?

You may also want to play, like running together, friendly with hands holding

If i say you are beautiful you may start to giggle it is because it creates excitement,

Of you may choose to remain relaxed, and curious, and ask , what makes you think i am beautiful?

So instead of choosing excitement you simply be relaxed and curious

But naturaly we dont do that, because we know it is not friendly enough

So if you start to giggle, dont think of that as a weakness, it is a pure natural beautiful reaction

I am sure you would feel different if i would spank your b00ty , it wont make you giggle, because you know friends dont spank b00ty , instead it may create alertness, and some level of fear , maybe even sexual

What i want to say, is how you feel depends on my approach

Excitement is good , it is friendly
I become too excited when i meet someone

Is like when a dog wagging its tail and wanting to play

If you want to keep like " A BOSS "
you have to be less friendly
You have to be more PARENT state of mind, like stop sweety i am watching the news, i am doing something important, later please... "

But if you stand more friendly, if you pay too much attention to people you will be more excited and you will also giggle , is because your approach is as a friend
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#7

Postby bert_ernie » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:17 am

Sohia Ou wrote:Now it gets better. Thank you for your reply. I will build my confidence step by step, as I do for years. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to change something. Acceptance is the key to happiness. I am fine even being shy. I observe myself and I can see some habits I have learnt, but do not need anymore. Only psychopat can be 100 % confident in every situation. I started a new job, and felt a bit lost as a little girl, but now I know what to do. I am competent at my job, why not to be confident?


i'm glad life is improving for you.

are you saying that even though you're good at your job, you still don't feel confident doing your job?
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#8

Postby Sohia Ou » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:04 am

It depends. I am not confident in new situations and new places. This is a new job, new people, and I started to act shy, and I felt I was not myself
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#9

Postby bert_ernie » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:46 pm

hey, that's the same for me. that's the same for most people that can be shy at times.

the unknown or unfamiliar can be scary or kind of make you feel like you don't know what to do next. usually also people want things to go well. without mistakes. & when you're new & inexperienced there's bound to be more mistakes & missteps.

anyhow i know what you mean.
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#10

Postby laureat » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:49 pm

Sohia Ou wrote:It depends. I am not confident in new situations and new places. This is a new job, new people, and I started to act shy, and I felt I was not myself


We become shy because we feel we have something to hide , something to defend
For example i may not feel intellegent enough
And when someone approach me, i become tense, and maybe try to act " more intelligent "

But as we stand there, our tension will decrease
Because we are surrendering, we are giving up the BS ideas
the EGO is surrendering , the mask is surrendering

The more i socialize, the more i surrender my ego
My approach keeps getting better and less ego involved

This is the reason why they keep saying " FACE THE FEAR "
because when you face it, your approach gets better , you surrender ego , you become more relaxing , less expectations from oneself to impress , or whatsoever

And success = confidence
If i keep having good times with others, i am getting a new taste of life, a new picture of life, more relaxing and less BS involved
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#11

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat Jun 06, 2015 7:31 am

Learn how to let go of fear.

This video can help you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GsBhoEMRHk
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#12

Postby Dennis Vasiliev » Sun Jun 14, 2015 2:17 pm

Threre are probably 2 problems you may have here. Either both of them simultaneously or separate.

1. Anxiety (low self-esteem, shyness) - all posts above more or less adressed that issue. I completely agree with them. They are great.

2. I don't even know how to call this. You discribed it as "when I am not interested in someone I don't invest time and energy and they have wrong perception about me afterwards."
I have the same thing) Unfortunately, you have to deal with it.

First of all, your own perception about these people might be wrong and there is always something to learn from everybody.
Secondly, try to approach this as a game. Everytime you meet someone you have to create great long-lasting impression about yourself no matter who that person is. That way you will force yourself to act energetically and ambitious. Talking to the strangers takes a lot of energy, nobody doubts that. However, with this clever approach you will not only establish great connection with everyone you meet, but also it gets easier with time. Talking with the same person next time will be far less energy consuming than in the beginning.

Hope this will help!
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#13

Postby MSayvanova » Mon Jun 15, 2015 1:49 pm

Hello Sohia,

We can write here alll day long and get nowhere. You are an AWESOME person - I know because people who are so self-aware as you are have usually worked like crazy on being great people, but they still don't believe they are. But you are. Awesome. OK? Awesome. Just as you are.

If you are afraid of being yourself, you should start being yourself. Simple, huh? I know you are scared, but you are not equally scared in all situations. You are less scare in some and more scared in others. So I would challenge you to list top 10 social environments in which you are scared starting with the one that scares you the most and going down. Then start tackling those one by one.

If at any time you feel you can't, remember I am there to tell you you are awesome.

Also, you can use a fun technique us, coaches, use: what's the worst that could happen if you are yourself? What's the worst that could happen if you aren't? Compare lists and there you have it. The real, frighting truth of why you should be you. And nobody else.

Hope this helps.

Love,
Maya
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#14

Postby anonymous1291 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:08 pm

Hello,

I think that a lot of what you are describing is normal and common, but since you seem to be somewhat unhappy about it, then maybe you could try to make small changes. I have experienced similar thoughts. I am not fully my real, genuine self around everyone. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes I get too wrapped up in my own head and this keeps me from being myself. I think it is important to first realize that different people/groups bring different qualities out on us. Sometimes when you feel like you're shy, it may just mean you are feeding off of the vibes around you. It is not always appropriate to be how you would be with your closest friends/family around say, your boss, for example. That is perfectly okay. I've noticed that when I start to think about something as "bad" and label it in my head as such, it spirals and makes it harder to get rid of. Maybe you could just stop thinking it's a bad thing and just "roll with it" but still try to make small changes. Baby steps...and eventually you may notice a difference.

Hope that helped!
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