I let people and my social interactions make me doubt myself

Postby Sweetypie » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:53 am

Hello everyone,

I am new here. I find that I am on a pathway to becoming more confident again. I know deep inside that I am ok as a person but somehow I let other people make me feel bad about myself! I let them make me doubt my abilities and me as a person.

I don't know how to stop this. Does anyone have any advice?

My confidence is somehow dependant on my relationships and social interactions with people. I place high importance on these going well. And if I feel that it doesn't, I doubt myself and don't like myself as much.

That seems to be holding me back in achieving full confidence in myself and it is stopping me from really living life.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:55 am

Sweetypie wrote: Does anyone have any advice?


Focus on yourself, not others.

Write down a specific goal you want to achieve. If it is a big goal, break it down into smaller "subgoals". A goal or subgoal should be something you can accomplish in no more than one week, for instance a goal to read a book.

By setting a specific goal and writing it down, it shuts out those external opinions of others and allows you to focus on you and what you want, not what you think others want of you. Once you can hit small goals like read a book or exercise or any other small goal, the process of setting goals and sticking to the plan will help eliminate those social distractions that make you doubt yourself.
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#2

Postby McCain » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:10 pm

Where do you want your life to go?
If you have an answer for that, quit allowing other people's view be your guide. You'll end up lost because the view you've always taken was not your own.

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#3

Postby laureat » Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:16 am

Confidence comes with realisation ,
When you become aware that human is no perfect
When you understand human cannot accomplish all expectations other have, nobody can
Einstein was intelligent, but he he did not have a six pack
And when you become aware that expectations are bs
You will start to free oneself, you feel less responsibility about all the bs , you be like " who gives a sh"" about that " you have no more interest on it

You simply enjoy, living ,
You simply searching for good time
Play, excitement , dance , singing
Or maybe even silence, meditation, relaxation
So than you are enjoying
And you are absolutly 100% sure there is nothing wrong about what you doing
You are absolute sure , you are doing good
And nobody can create confusions
Because awareness has been created

And even if all people around say that you are doing bad,
It will not disturb you because you know you are doing good

When you believe " you are doing bad " you will do worse
When you beliebe " you are doing good " you do better

And you get into the cycle of doing better
And than you understand the point
And you will never give a sh"" about what someone else say
Your confidence will not depend on other
It only depends if you believe you doing bad
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#4

Postby Introspectah » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:43 pm

An alternative take which might inspire you in a way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKgU1DUW2kg
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#5

Postby Dennis Vasiliev » Thu Jun 11, 2015 6:15 pm

Hi, Sweetypie

It's true that our level of general happiness in life is mostly determined by the quality of our relationships with others.
We can have all material things in the world, but there is no long-term joy in material things. The only long-term joy comes from the real people.

However, you can't allow your confidence to be shaky because of others. Our confidence is this big column that should not move. You have to realize that people's behavior toward you is not personal. Maybe they had a bad day or your first impression wasn't really great (they didn't reject you, they rejected your first impression)

Even if they didn't like you... who cares? There will be plenty of people who won't like you. So what? Nobody died, they just haven't got time to realize how awesome you are.

Anyway, be well and try to love yourself more than you want others to love you.
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#6

Postby desperate788 » Thu Jun 11, 2015 6:50 pm

Material things may help to have real friends just to note :)
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#7

Postby zemane » Sun Jun 14, 2015 6:32 am

Loved what laureat said.

I think the advice from Dennis Vasiliev was really bad:
>>It's true that our level of general happiness in life is mostly
>> determined by the quality of our relationships with others.
>>We can have all material things in the world, but there is no
>>long-term joy in material things. The only long-term joy
>>comes from the real people.

Because there's a lot of HAPPY PEOPLE with very few relationships and lots of material things. I'd actually like to hear some evidence of what Dennis said.

My advice is not to GIVE THE POWER to other people determine how you feel about yourself. That's TOO MUCH POWER and people might not be as smart as you. And I'm not even talking about people that notice your need and start using it to manipulate you for their benefit.

Focus on your strengths and know your shortcomings. Nobody is perfect. My memory sucks so I came up with a systematic way of making notes to minimize the effects.

Also get used to people doubting your abilities!!!! that will happen forever. You'll be doubted every step of the way. Be prepared to sell your strengths as you were to create them.
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#8

Postby Dennis Vasiliev » Thu Jun 18, 2015 6:51 pm

zemane wrote:Because there's a lot of HAPPY PEOPLE with very few relationships and lots of material things. I'd actually like to hear some evidence of what Dennis said.


Like people in Hollywood who hang themselves in the hotel room while having seven figures in the bank? (you can add here depressions, alchool and prescription drugs).
I know people who earn seven figures/year and their #1 problem - relationships. Different kind of relationships, but more or less these problems are related to other people.

It's not me who has to provide evidence.

By the way, an instagram photo with a smile is not a proof of happiness.
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#9

Postby zenobiaporter » Fri Jun 19, 2015 2:26 am

Sweetypie,

Everything that you need to achieve the confidence you desire is already inside of you. You just have to be willing to recognize and tap into it. In some ways, you have already done that.

In your post, you acknowledge your power (maybe without even realizing it). You stated:

"I let other people make me feel bad about myself" and "I let them make me doubt my abilities and me as a person"

The key words of power in those statements are "I let." Those two words indicate that you ARE actually in control. You ARE making a choice. You ARE making the decision to give the power of deciding your worth to others. And, if the truth be told, these "others" are probably still trying to figure things out for themselves.

Also, the self-doubt that you feel may be a result of you not being sure whether or not others will approve of the decisions you are considering. Ask yourself what it is about them that makes them more qualified than you to judge your life decisions. You have more background on your life from events, feelings, etc. than anyone else will ever have access to. You have the right to hold a different opinion than everyone else in the room. You have the right to be correct and you also have the right to be wrong (and of course learn from it :wink: ) There is beauty in that. Free yourself.

Feel good in knowing that just as you have chosen to give them the power, you can choose to take it back. Feel good in knowing that you are NOT by any means alone. MANY deal with this issue at some point in their lives. You just have to be willing to step up and do the work.

Although no single reply could ever cover everything, I do have some advice that may get you on your way :)

1. Recognize your power. Own your power. Tell yourself, every day that the power to define your worth, who you are, and what you like lies totally in your hands. And that you have the power to either own that gift or give it away. No one is strong enough or clever enough to take it from you.

2. Take all of the energy and effort that you have put into "relationships and social interactions with people" and put it into yourself. Step away from the social scene a little (don't isolate yourself - just give yourself some space) and spend time getting to know yourself. Get away from any negative thinkers and speakers and anyone that restricts your self-expression.

3. Think of all of the traits you want in a best friend and GIVE those traits to yourself. If your best friend won't let anyone talk bad about you...don't allow yourself to talk bad about you. In other words, rebuke the negative self-talk with positive, compassionate and understanding talk. Remember, to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion comes up with compassion and then try to get to they why the emotion exists. You are human and you are allowed to feel. If you feel confidence dwindling, be compassionate with yourself. No one is confident 100% of the time. Ask yourself what is affecting your confidence at that moment. Pay attention to your thoughts and then get down to why they exist. :)

In a nutshell, strengthen the relationship with yourself. In doing this, you will build genuine confidence that is not reliant on the external. And when you are in the company of others, the true and authentic you will be able to confidently shine. :)

I hope this helps. Good luck to you! Own that power :) It was given to you....may as well use it :)

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#10

Postby ethanbridges » Fri Jun 19, 2015 1:21 pm

Sweetypie, congratulations on finding your confidence again!

Don't depend your self-confidence on others. It makes no sense; I've been there. You can be happy for them, admire them, support them, but don't let that impact your self-esteem in a bad way.

As Richard said, set your goals. I'd say focus on improving yourself. Don't ever compare. Just keep on improving yourself.

Don't wait for the time, i.e. when you're too old, when you'll realize that looking down on yourself, your skills, etc., is an utterly wrong decision to make. Don't waste your time. You can absolutely do better than that. Busy yourself with what matters--it's a win-win: you improve, and you shoo away those ugly thoughts.
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#11

Postby Sweetypie » Sun Jun 21, 2015 5:16 am

McCain wrote:Where do you want your life to go?
If you have an answer for that, quit allowing other people's view be your guide. You'll end up lost because the view you've always taken was not your own.

McCain



I think I just want people to like/accept me, and I want to get along with people and have meaningful social interactions and conversations. I want to inspire and help others. But not having those feelings are making me doubt myself as a person.
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#12

Postby Sweetypie » Sun Jun 21, 2015 5:19 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Sweetypie wrote: Does anyone have any advice?


Focus on yourself, not others.

Write down a specific goal you want to achieve. If it is a big goal, break it down into smaller "subgoals". A goal or subgoal should be something you can accomplish in no more than one week, for instance a goal to read a book.

By setting a specific goal and writing it down, it shuts out those external opinions of others and allows you to focus on you and what you want, not what you think others want of you. Once you can hit small goals like read a book or exercise or any other small goal, the process of setting goals and sticking to the plan will help eliminate those social distractions that make you doubt yourself.


Thanks Richard:)

But what if my goal is that I want people to like/accept me, and I want to get along with people and have meaningful social interactions and conversations? I want to inspire and help others. But not having those feelings and being able to do those are making me doubt myself as a person.
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#13

Postby Sweetypie » Sun Jun 21, 2015 5:23 am

[quote="zemane"]Loved what laureat said.

I think the advice from Dennis Vasiliev was really bad:
>>It's true that our level of general happiness in life is mostly
>> determined by the quality of our relationships with others.
>>We can have all material things in the world, but there is no
>>long-term joy in material things. The only long-term joy
>>comes from the real people.


Actually, I kinda like what Dennis said. It relates to how I feel about relationships.

I like what you said too. It's true that people will always doubt our abilities. And will use it to their advantage. Yes.. have to always sell my strengths... which I tend to overlook!
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#14

Postby Sweetypie » Sun Jun 21, 2015 5:31 am

ethanbridges wrote:Sweetypie, congratulations on finding your confidence again!

Don't depend your self-confidence on others. It makes no sense; I've been there. You can be happy for them, admire them, support them, but don't let that impact your self-esteem in a bad way.

As Richard said, set your goals. I'd say focus on improving yourself. Don't ever compare. Just keep on improving yourself.

Don't wait for the time, i.e. when you're too old, when you'll realize that looking down on yourself, your skills, etc., is an utterly wrong decision to make. Don't waste your time. You can absolutely do better than that. Busy yourself with what matters--it's a win-win: you improve, and you shoo away those ugly thoughts.


Thanks!:) Yes thanks for the reminder on not wasting my time on negative thoughts! I just worry too much over silly things...
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