My Mother and i have just don't get along

Postby srebak25 » Fri Jun 19, 2015 11:59 pm

To put it simply; my mother and i have always had issues with each other, more so than i could see her having with my brother and sister. There have been too many times when i've said to myself that i hated her, and frankly, she's said too many hurtful things to me over the years.

In fact, over the more recent years of my life, she and i have had too many conflicts with one another. I'm even starting to believe that she may be the cause of my fear of embarrassment. She has always "warned" me about doing things that would make people think negatively, even family members, and these days I'm thinking it had more to do with her not wanting to be embarrassed by my antics and not wanting to be involved in it.

The sad part of it is, i want to move out, i want to have a place of my own so that i won't have to deal with her anymore, but, i still require her for certain necessities. Necessities that i am still too low on funds to get myself. I don't dare wish for her death though, since, if that happened, I'm not sure what i would do. Still, though, her attitude is becoming harder and harder to live with.
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#1

Postby laureat » Sat Jun 20, 2015 2:14 am

If you need.to go somewhere for studies or whatever
That is OK,
But i don't think running away from is a good idea
The problem is that parents feel responsible to correct their kids and unconsciously may hurt them
And hurt, create hate
Now you are hating your parent
But we can change how we feel about someone
By simply having some good times with
By simply relaxing together
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#2

Postby McCain » Sat Jun 20, 2015 5:57 pm

srebak25 wrote:
The sad part of it is, i want to move out, i want to have a place of my own so that i won't have to deal with her anymore, but, i still require her for certain necessities.


What kind of necessities does she provide that you cannot provide for yourself?

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#3

Postby srebak25 » Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:54 pm

McCain wrote:
srebak25 wrote:
The sad part of it is, i want to move out, i want to have a place of my own so that i won't have to deal with her anymore, but, i still require her for certain necessities.


What kind of necessities does she provide that you cannot provide for yourself?

McCain


Electricity for computers and TV, heat during the cold months and protection from the heat during the warmer months, money for food for myself and my dog.
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#4

Postby Candid » Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:36 pm

srebak25 wrote:The sad part of it is, i want to move out, i want to have a place of my own so that i won't have to deal with her anymore, but, i still require her for certain necessities. Necessities that i am still too low on funds to get myself. I don't dare wish for her death though, since, if that happened, I'm not sure what i would do. Still, though, her attitude is becoming harder and harder to live with.


Better to deal with this while you're living with her. If she died, or you moved away and stopped seeing her, you'd find she's still talking in your head. The fear of embarrassment is already there, right? Too late for prevention. You need to look at cure. The classic work on the subject is Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw.

If you start work on this now, you can have a healthier relationship with your mother before you move out to live independently. If you don't do the work, the shame that's already installed will follow you wherever you go. It won't go away if you stop talking to her, in fact it will very likely get worse, and her death will rev it up even more. So you have no choice, really.

There are lots of repercussions from having a mother who doesn't like you. No one else has more power in your life -- except you, when you realise what she's done and actively take that power away from her.
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#5

Postby McCain » Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:45 pm

srebak25 wrote:Electricity for computers and TV, heat during the cold months and protection from the heat during the warmer months, money for food for myself and my dog.

Can you find a way to make an income of your own?
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#6

Postby Dennis Vasiliev » Mon Jun 22, 2015 3:43 pm

I think you should try to resolve everything while you're still living with her, but then move out and live your own life. You didn't list anything that you won't be able to provide for yourself (if you're not 14 year old, of course that I doubt very much).

Candid has a right point, deal with everything so you won't regret about anything in the future. However, living on your own and providing for yourself also will boost your confidence that you claim your mother shattered a little bit.

Anyway, hope you'll make the correct decision!
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#7

Postby srebak25 » Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:12 pm

Well, it's official, things between my mother and i are even worse now. And what's even more worse is the fact that all of this is happening right before the final months of the year; the time when my most looked forward to events happened. October has Halloween and my Birthday, November has Thanksgiving and December has the Holiday season. In fact, tomorrow is my Dad's birthday and all of this is really causing a distraction.

It all got started last week, when i was trying to get something to eat, and was doing so in the usual way i do things. You see, in recent years, I've developed something of an obsession with keeping my hands clean of germs. It's gotten so bad, some of the skin on my hands has been scrubbed away and my mother has taken notice of that, as well of how long it takes me to wash my hands. I've tried to do what i can to cut down on needing to clean my hands, like using napkins and tissue to grab and open things, but that, in and of itself has caused problems. You see, when i was trying to get something to eat last week, in the usual way, i was opening a cabinet and drawer using a napkin (i once touched those places when my hands weren't exactly clean and i'm hesitant to touch them again without protection), my mother took notice of this and asked me why i didn't just turn the napkin around and use the side i was touching with my hands. Since the side i wasn't touching was the side that had touched the germs, i didn't think that was a good idea, so i didn't do it. This lead to my mother saying things like; my obsessions make me dangerous to live with and that if i can't notice how bad my hands are getting, I'm an idiot. To not put too fine a point on it, that hurt, especially the last one.

I tried to explain my POV of the matter through e-mail, twice, and both times i tried to explain that the fact that she said those things hurt me. But both times, her replies gave the impression that she didn't feel any remorse over what she said and that just made me more angry with her. Then, on Sunday, when we were getting ready to do our shopping at Wal-Mart, i took a little long when i was washing my hands after finishing up doing my face and hair. One scrub kept leading to another in there and my mother finally lost it and starting ranting on about it. She even said that she didn't care that i was angry with her, that i made her this way, and that she was done talking to me and that i was stressing her out. I spent the rest of our time shopping thinking about how to write the best e-mail to describe my POV and feelings on this whole ordeal. I sent it, but got no response. I sent it again today, but after i did so, overheard her cleaning the house for Labor Day and heard her yelling to herself about me. I really want to end this by moving out, but, i just don't have the money to do that and be happy.

Then, later, she came to my bedroom door and explains that she did read my e-mail the first time and that the problem has always been my hands. From what i gathered, she tries to say that she would be perfectly fine with me if i don't kill myself in front of her, which she feels that i'm doing by overwashing my hands. She states that she will call someone to take me away due me having a problem, and that she does appreciate that i tried to use less water last night and that i bought gloves to help deal with this issue. She also states that the way she deals with me is the norm for the world and that i won't be able to use e-mails and notes to talk to people in the real world. I can see the logic in that, but, i think all that really means is that i have another reason to want to spend less time with people. I think she sort of apologized for yelling at me during this, but i really doubt it. She asked me if we were good after that, and while i said yes, i really don't think we are. I feel like some of the anger i feel is still there for the earlier insults and i really don't think i'll be able to enjoy labor day now.
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#8

Postby Candid » Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:08 am

srebak25 wrote:She even said that she didn't care that i was angry with her, that i made her this way, and that she was done talking to me and that i was stressing her out.


Now there's a mother who doesn't take responsibility!

http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com.au/ ... -your.html
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:32 am

srebak25 wrote: You see, in recent years, I've developed something of an obsession with keeping my hands clean of germs. It's gotten so bad, some of the skin on my hands has been scrubbed away and my mother has taken notice of that, as well of how long it takes me to wash my hands.


And you recognize washing your hands obsessively is an irrational fear, or do you think it is perfectly okay to scrub away skin on your hands?
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#10

Postby srebak25 » Wed Sep 16, 2015 10:45 pm

I wish i had gotten to this sooner but--

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
srebak25 wrote: You see, in recent years, I've developed something of an obsession with keeping my hands clean of germs. It's gotten so bad, some of the skin on my hands has been scrubbed away and my mother has taken notice of that, as well of how long it takes me to wash my hands.


And you recognize washing your hands obsessively is an irrational fear, or do you think it is perfectly okay to scrub away skin on your hands?



Yes, sadly, i am aware of this being an irrational fear, as is the the case with most people with OCD (they know that they have an issue but feel a compulsion to do these type of things anyway). My main issue is that i wish my mother didn't yell at me when she felt i was going to far. I know that she means well with this, but, her yelling at me really leaves me feeling hurt and angry. Especially when she uses words like idiot and stupid, since I've been called intelligent in the past by teachers. After the last incident we had, it seemed like we were moving passed it but then we had another similar issue last night.

Circumstances led me to shower twice in the same day and that led to a lecture and some yelling for me to get out and to her deciding to get me some doctor's help. The yelling part still rings in my head even now. I was hoping to avoid her for a while, but then she asked me to talk to her about all of this. The talk lasted for almost three hours and certain things were said about me not acting like someone of my age and only having a selective memory, words like retarded and idiot were brought up (the former twice) and it was mentioned that i live in my own world with a wall around it. I may have taken some insult to all of this in some way, but, the sad truth is, she made some pretty valid points, though it pains me to say that. She even said that i was nice, but selfish in a calm and casual tone and even that i can't fully justify.


The fact of the matter is, i'm a proud person, it's not easy for me to admit anything that's not in my favor, so i typically don't. If i may coin a phrase from a TV show i liked; I guess if i don't take responsibility for things and act like i'm not at fault, i can act like the problem never occurred and walk away from it without guilt, if that makes sense. Also, to be honest, I've been around teachers who said that i had a very high intelligence level, so to hear my mother call me stupid and an idiot, and imply that I'm not mature, it really hurts.


Anyway the talk ended up boiling down to me choosing between three choices;

1. Wash my hands without my glasses and with hot water for two weeks as a form of conditioning

2. Call and make an appointment with a doctor

or

3. Move to another state without the Drought rules and basically live on my own


To be honest, i don't think i could do number 3 and number 2 is just embarrassing
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:39 pm

srebak25 wrote:Yes, sadly, i am aware of this being an irrational fear...My main issue is that i wish my mother didn't yell at me....


No, your main issue is not your mother yelling at you. That is incorrect. Your main issue is your irrational fear.

We all have our faults. Your mother has her faults, but her faults are not yours. Your mother is secondary to your faults, she is not your primary issue. Your primary issue is yourself. You are your own worst enemy, not your mother.

Another bit of flawed thinking on your part is the idea that because you are called intelligent in one area of life that it means you are across the board intelligent in all areas of life. That is not how intelligence works. By definition I am extremely intelligent in the area of educational psychology. I hold a vast amount of knowledge in this one specific area. But, I am an idiot when it comes to changing the oil in my car. In fact, I am an idiot in way more topics than those in which I have a good degree of knowledge. That's okay. It is okay to not be intelligent in every aspect of life.

[/quote]
Anyway the talk ended up boiling down to me choosing between three choices;

1. Wash my hands without my glasses and with hot water for two weeks as a form of conditioning

2. Call and make an appointment with a doctor

or

3. Move to another state without the Drought rules and basically live on my own


To be honest, i don't think i could do number 3 and number 2 is just embarrassing[/quote]

And your 3 options show why your mother is angry. Even though your mother has her faults, your main issue is yourself. Your three options show you are not working to effectively address your OCD. Even generating the idea that you move to a drought free state reinforces you are not acting intelligent in this area of your life. It doesn't mean you are not intelligent in other areas, but as it relates to hand washing you are not acting intelligent. You are not addressing your fear. That is frustrating for your mother.

Based on what you have posted, it does sound like you need professional therapy. Embarrassment is not a intelligent reason to avoid getting the help you need. The intelligent thing to do is to address your main issue.
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#12

Postby srebak25 » Fri Sep 18, 2015 12:19 am

1. So now you're calling me stupid? I really need to be around people who won't judge me

2. The fact of the matter is, her yelling at me and insulting me and threatening to send me away or leave me isn't helping. It's just making me nervous and afraid of her. At this rate, I'll never be able to enjoy October
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Sep 18, 2015 1:09 am

srebak25 wrote:1. So now you're calling me stupid? I really need to be around people who won't judge me


I pointed out that each of us...ALL of us, me, you, every single person on the planet is intelligent in some ways and less intelligent (stupid) in others. You think you are intelligent in all areas of life? You are incapable of admitting there are things about which you lack intelligence?

2. The fact of the matter is, her yelling at me and insulting me and threatening to send me away or leave me isn't helping. It's just making me nervous and afraid of her. At this rate, I'll never be able to enjoy October


I already conceded that your mother is not handing the situation appropriately. I agree with you. What I don't agree with is the idea that your mother is your main issue. I'm not saying that she is helping you. What I am saying is that she is secondary to your main issue, the main issue being your irrational fear and your unwillingness to admit that this fear is your main issue, not your mother.

This forum is a great place for you to vent. You can take out all your frustration on your mother, on me, on life if you like. No harm, no foul. But, no matter how much anger or frustration you try to place on others it will do nothing to address your main issue, that being your irrational fear.

If you want to solve the issue, if you want a better relationship with your mother, you need to concentrate, you need to focus all of your energy on dealing with your real problem. I know it is tough, but it will only get better if you begin to really focus in on and confront your fear. This means putting aside any embarrassment and seeking professional therapy.
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#14

Postby srebak25 » Sun Sep 20, 2015 1:32 am

Well, it happened again

Just when it looked like my mother and i were at a slightly better place, i had to take another shower. But while this time, there was no yelling (per se), the incident did leave me with a situation that i was going to take care today; i touched the bathroom light switch with my hands when i wasn't fully sure that they were clean enough (i did wash them, but i'm not sure i was thorough enough). I was going to clean the light switch today for safe measure, but, that's when my mother started explaining the cause of another problem i've been having; the lights in my bathroom keep flickering on and off and off altogether. Apparently, a certain internal part of the light switch was broken and to prove her point, my mother touched the light switch and that bothered me. She once told me to not leave something i deemed unfit to touch there for someone else to touch and i saw the logic in that.

So, in an effort to seem responsible, i sent her an e-mail explaining that and why i am a little unhappy about the light switch issue; she said that I'll either have to give her the money to go buy another light switch and do it herself (which may result in her turning off the power, since she fears electricity) or pay $60 or more to hire a repair man to come and do it. Since i don't have nearly enough money to do the latter, and i hate being in someone else's debt, the former seemed like the best course of action, but later, she replied to this by coming to me and saying that i can't just let this sort of thing get fixed and go on doing things the same way as i did before. You see, for the longest time, I've been trying to avoid spreading germs onto things (or avoid gaining germs from) by using my elbows, hips and possibly feet to open and close things (or in the case of the light switch, press). I'm told that i look like an idiot by doing this instead of using my hands, but, it seemed like a good way to cut down on my need to wash my hands.

Anyway, I'm told that doing that may have played a role in breaking the light switch and, if i'm understanding my mother correctly, that means i'll have to use my hands every time i use the light switches, even when doing so will contaminated them when my hands aren't sanitary. My mother told me that if i didn't follow that road and kept using my elbows, soon all of the light switches would be broken the same, then she pointed out that things only seem germy when i deem them so and that for some reason, my dusty room doesn't count as germy or my bathroom in general for that matter. Then, she showed me the water heater to make a point about how I'm running up the water and heating bills with my over hand-washing. Then, she sent me an e-mail saying that she was considering putting me responsible of the heating and water bills.

I then sent her an e-mail saying that i really don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to make her happy and still not compromise myself enough to lead to me going insane with feelings of it never being enough. Then, she sent me a few e-mails about what she found on a website by Mayo clinic or some such place and used it to help get across a few points about germs and the proper way to wash one's hands. She said that our immune systems protect us from the known germs in our house and it's the kind that you'd find in a new place, like a public restroom, that you should worry about. Or something like that. The papers and follow up e-mails she gave me in regards to the hand-washing thing said a few things that i was somewhat aware of already, though, certain aspects of them still worry me;

Apparently, when you wash your hands, your supposed use a towel or something to turn off the faucet and open the door. But I've always just used my knuckles on the part of the handles that i didn't touch to turn off the faucet and left the door partially opened so that i could just open it with my elbow or foot. Also, as i was partially aware of already, soap bars culminate germs on them, making liquid soap better. I'm not even sure how to word how that makes me feel. My mother gave me some Dove liquid soap to help with this, but, I'm not sure how long this will be good for, if you know what i mean.

But the biggest issue, when it comes right down to it, is that i don't like that my mother thinks my decision making skills are bad and that i have no maturity. I admit that i don't act like someone of my age, but i don't need to be treated like a child, nor are all of my decisions bad. I am not immature, i am not an idiot, I'm just not!

September has been awful because of all of this, and i had a plan no less, a plan. My Birthday is in the second week of next month and instead of getting in the mood for it, my mind is wrapped around all of this tension. In this month, i don't think i'll ever get my mother to understand my POV, or start caring about my feelings again and i don't think i can ever really express how i feel to her anymore.
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