Hey all,
About 3 years ago I attempted to "quit weed for good" and had used this exact forum as a place to seek support. It took all but a week or so (my guess is) before I gave in to my old ways of smoking. Shortly after I deleted that thread in self-embarrassment. Yet, here I am once again.
I am tired of feeling like sh**, tired of being paranoid, and tired of believing that smoking weed enhances my life when it actually detracts from it.
This isn't the first time I've tried "quitting." I recently went 4 months without it. Since then I've smoked about 10 times or so, sporadically in the past month. Clearly though, I was still not ready to change my life permanently.
It is not weed's fault for the person I've become today. It is mine. Whether or not I continue to smoke weed is not going to determine my ability to achieve my goals.
However, I am tired of pretending that weed is the answer to my life. I am tired of having it be a part of my identity.
During that 4 month span in which I didn't smoke, I tried identifying as a "non-smoker" rather than a smoker. All that did for me was create a tension between my old identity and my new one.
The reality is that I don't hate weed. The reality is that I love weed for the healing it provided me in my moments of need.
Who I really hate is myself. I hate that I chose to smoke weed when I knew I needed to do something else. I hate that I chose to spend money on weed instead of saving it for something else. I hate that I chose to hang out with weed rather than hang out with someone else. I hate that I choose to love weed instead of choosing to love myself or someone else. I hate who I've become on weed instead of becoming someone else.
I'm tired of using weed as a medium to relate to others. All drugs for that matter - alcohol, shrooms, etc. That is another personal transformation in itself.
My goal is this: to transform into the version of me that is self-loving and loving towards others
Where I stand now: I am the version of me that deep down hates himself and is paranoid of other people and uses drugs to bring me out of that horrible state into a fabricated one.
I HAVE to move on. I MUST. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it 1 year and beyond.
First step: make it today.
And that's where my journey begins.