One Year Journey - began 8.28.15 - all support welcome :)

#105

Postby Josh410 » Sun Oct 11, 2015 1:40 am

I feel what you're saying to an uncanny extent mate, I'm going through very similar experiences and thoughts. Especially the not being happy being me feeling, we're just constantly "switched on" now and we don't get a release from our introspective thoughts.

It's sad man like if i could just smoke some weed I could escape the anxiety I'm experiencing but instead I just have to deal with incessant worrying about what other people think of me. Is that somewhat similar to what you're going through?

As for explaining your reasons to people, you just have to explain things as they are. If these people care about you they will listen to your reasons and respect them. Obviously I don't know you, but from what you've said in the past weed isn't helping you. If problems were present it sounds like weed has tended to exacerbate them for you. A mate of mine quit weed for a full year, and he said it gets better. I think you're probaly going through the toughest part of quitting though, every time I've attempted to quit in the past it was 3 months that I couldn't get past, but the second month is always pretty painful as you've been off long enough to think weed is a tempting idea, but not long enough to feel better.

We may be missing out on the fun of connecting with people and chilling when high but think about all the things people that spend most of their free time getting high miss out on. There's only so many experiences you can have when sat on a sofa! Okay that's not a fair thing to say I know I used to do a lot of outdoor activities when stoned and I loved it, and I miss that but we should be able to enjoy these things while sober, that will just come with time.

I really hope you stick to the quitting G your posts are so helpful to me and others, we're in this together and we're all trying to do what's best for ourselves. Think about what it would say about our characters if we failed on our mission to quit.

All the best buddy!
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#106

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Oct 11, 2015 1:59 am

Day 44

Thanks for reaching out J. Your post gave me some reassurance that I'm not crazy for feeling and thinking the way I am right now.

Right now I am trying to be honest about how I feel about weed and how it effects me. The truth is that I enjoy the high. The truth is also that I enjoy it more than my sober state. It is also true that when I smoke weed, even once, I am vulnerable to addictive tendencies. And, it just feels like a better idea to just stay clear of weed entirely. I guess some people can control their weed use and balance the rest of their lives...It's just harder for me.

I can sense that a big part of not wanting to quit is not being able to say I smoke weed as a part of my identity.

Which makes A LOT of sense considering why I decided to smoke weed in the first place. It was so I could be a part of the group. So I could feel accepted. Damn man.

I guess the next step would be to know the belief about myself or the world that make me feel like I am not accepted. And then to change those beliefs.

Man.

Anyways. As far as the quit goes, besides the one blunt hit I took 4 days ago, I haven't touched weed.

I guess it's not that bad :)
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#107

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Oct 11, 2015 7:43 pm

Day 45

I think I just have to be real about my situation with weed. Being real is not the same as judgment. I need to know myself when it comes to weed. Not some sugar coated version, not some blown out of proportion version, exactly how it is. The FACTS.

So, what are the facts?

The facts are that whenever I smoke weed I do enjoy some aspects of the high. Those aspects are the relaxing feeling on the body, the slowing down of thoughts in the mind, and at best, a deeper connection to my higher self - so it seems. I also get to share the smoking experience (i.e. smoke sesh) with friends, family, and people I'd never socialize with otherwise.

Similarly, there are aspects I do not enjoy as well. Those aspects are the inability to go in and out of a focused mind, paranoia of being seen stoned, tired eyes, can't drive, can't be around any of my family members, can't be around my girlfriend, feel like I'm hiding the fact that I'm stoned from people that know me, oversleeping, feeling slow, etc. There are of course more after effects as well, such as latent guilt, latent fatigue, shame from feeling the inability to quit, etc.

Those are the facts when I DO smoke weed.

When I think about the social aspect though, more than half the time it's not even about socializing - it's about getting high.

I think if I enjoyed socializing when I was sober more, then I'd have less of an incentive to smoke. I especially love it when there is strong rapport in a conversation. I love vibing out.

I just need to find a way to relax and tap into my higher self without weed.

I think if I felt loose, relaxed, funny, and all that without weed then I wouldn't feel a need to smoke it.

It seems it's about loving who I am without weed more than who I am with it.

Enter the battle of PAWS.
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#108

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Oct 13, 2015 12:47 am

Day 46

Hey all,

For those of you that have been following my journey, you know that I went 40 days without smoking before I took a single blunt hit on the 41st day. After it's been five days since that single blunt hit, and my mind has been able to clear a little bit, I can now see the positive aspects that that single blunt hit experience has taught me.

First off, it is clear that I used weed to feel good. Not just good, but GREAT. It removes stress. It completely wipes away the troubles in my mind. It numbs me out. One could say I used it to suppress my ego. Either way, I use weed as a coping mechanism more than ANYTHING else. Not socializing, nor spirituality.

Secondly, I am not "addicted" to weed anymore. This is a controversial statement for sure. The fact is that I went 40 days without smoking, smoked on the 41st day, and since then have not TOUCHED the thing. My point is to acknowledge the fact that I have more control over my use than the word "addiction" infers. I will readily admit though, that using weed DOES leave me vulnerable to abusive use - if I let it.

Thirdly, I have a strong emotional and psychological attachment to weed and being high. I won't go too into detail about it.

Fourth, my main battle is not with whether I can get off weed. My main battle is getting my body and mind right after all the weed USE. I have come to dislike the blaming of PAWS for how I feel, but if PAWS is the universal label for what I am going through as a result of chronic weed use, then so be it. The reason I dislike blaming PAWS is because it still feels like I am blaming something else outside of my control for something I am experiencing. It is analogous to blaming weed for the addiction when it was actually me. Same thing with PAWS. It isn't PAWS that caused this, it was me. PAWS is simply the phenomenon that I am experiencing as a result of a repeated action I'd done on my own.

Lastly, it is 100% my responsibility to act on the behalf of my recovery. This includes weed, but it includes much more. I have to practically reverse all the damage that has been done in the past years. It's a lot like eating loads and loads of junk food for five years as the staple of my diet, gaining 100 pounds along with all the disease and body ailments that come with it, and then having to do what's necessary to get back to a healthy being. I can't just stop eating junk food and think the 100 pounds will go away. At the very least, it will take a lot longer. I have to exercise, I have to drink more water, I have to eat more vegetables, I have to learn about my bad habits and how to overcome them, etc. The scope of this journey is far bigger than being able to say I overcame a weed habit. This journey is about transforming my life and the way I live it.

Peace yall
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#109

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Oct 14, 2015 12:34 am

Day 47

I deserve this change in my life. I can tell my body wants to move on from a life that involves weed - especially mentally. It's been in this "weed" mode for over 5 years. I want to have a new identity. I want to be free from this mentality.

This is more than just removing weed from my life, it's about changing how I live. That's why quitting weed is so difficult, at least in my opinion. We're not just changing one habit, we're changing a whole bunch of them. We're totally rewiring our brains and bodies into doing things a new way. For the better.

Peace yall
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#110

Postby Wave » Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:47 pm

I have failed countless times and smoked twice since quitting everyday use. Its annoying and the payback with terms of withdrawals in huge, and in some way convinced me to stay away. I hope it has this effect on you too buddy.

You DO deserve this change, replace weed with more social activities and exercise and you will see the benefits.

Amazing updates as always.
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#111

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Oct 14, 2015 11:18 pm

Wave wrote:I have failed countless times and smoked twice since quitting everyday use. Its annoying and the payback with terms of withdrawals in huge, and in some way convinced me to stay away. I hope it has this effect on you too buddy.

You DO deserve this change, replace weed with more social activities and exercise and you will see the benefits.

Amazing updates as always.


Day 48

Appreciate the support, Wave. The hardest part is admitting that letting go of weed is what's best for me. I know for sure that I want to live a healthier lifestyle. I wish I had this feeling that I've "beaten" weed addiction. You know what I mean? The feeling like this chapter in my life is over and I can move on. I want to be at that point that I've read so many other members allude to when they've gone a year or more without smoking. "Hey guys, it's been a little over a year since I quit, and I can tell you all for sure that it was the best decision I had ever made. I am far happier without weed than I ever was with it. I can't believe I ever decided to smoke weed in the first place. I Am so happy. I know it gets rough, but just stick through it, cause it's worth it." THAT'S what I'm dying to experience again. I could almost cry realizing that since I am not there now, I must have really messed my body and mind up to get so far from that state. It's like..."why the **** did I do that?"

Anyways, cheers to better times ahead.

Peace
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#112

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 1:35 am

Day 49, 7 weeks.

I won't lie, smoking on day 40 doesn't make me feel like I deserve to celebrate being on day 49. It's interesting that a single hit of weed has caused this. As weird as it sounds, smoking a hit of weed actually served as a reminder as to why staying completely weed-free is a MUST in my journey towards healing myself.

I've been more proactive in bettering other areas of my life, other than weed. Other than a coffee I had the other day, and a several trips to jamba juice for a green drink, I've been drinking mostly water. I've steered away from the typical fast food joints, almost completely. Your jack in the box, mcdonalds, in n out, and burger king trips are steered clear of. I'm not a full on health freak, as I still enjoy my share of processed foods, but I've cut out the burger joints and snack foods considerably. It does take a conscious effort to choose healthier options. I feel like I'm treating myself right.

As far as the social anxiety and negative self-image aspects, I'm taking it day by day. I know I just have to slow my mind down and do what I can in the moment, rather than dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. I've also decided to just give myself a break on wanting to be the perfect person. You know, the most confident, the most social, the most happy, blah blah. It's such an impossible goal. Truly.

All things considered, I feel good with my progress.

Peace yall :D
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#113

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Oct 17, 2015 1:22 am

Day 50

I need to make some new friends or I need to reconnect with old friends. I feel like there aren't a lot of people in my life right now that really know me and seek me out for friendship/support. The only people I can think of are my girlfriend and my cousin. Nobody else really sees me as integral to their life. Not in a significant way at least. That's something I've neglected to do through all these years I've been smoking. I haven't made an effort to build a close bond with people around me. I always kept it very surface based. Our bonds were through activities such as basketball and partying. The foundation was never "because I like this person and the way they support me emotionally." Long sigh..
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#114

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 2:51 am

Day 51

Repeat after me:

It's okay to say no to weed. It's okay to say no to weed. It's okay to say no to weed.
Saying no to weed is saying yes to health. Saying no to weed is saying yes to health.
I am a better person without weed. I am a better person without weed.
I choose to be weed free. I choose to be weed free. I choose to be weed free.
I choose to face my emotions. I choose to face my emotions.
I choose to face my thoughts. I choose to face my thoughts
I will grow stronger in the long run. I will grow stronger in the long run.

Take a deep breath. You can do this

Peace yal
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#115

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:16 pm

What's up, everyone!

It's been almost 2 years since I created this thread - WOH!!

A lot has changed since then. Reading some of my old posts almost makes me cringe. Mostly cause I cannot relate to the person I was when I posted them. With some empathy, though, I have compassion for myself and who I was back then.

Part of me doesn't even know what to write. The way I relate to weed and relate to weed addiction has transformed.

For those wondering, I do not smoke anymore - at all. That includes weed and tobacco.

The emotional cravings to smoke are pretty much a .01 out of 10. I have the thoughts, the literal thoughts of "should we smoke weed?" every other day, or so, not really. What's amazing is that I do not identify with those thoughts anymore. When those thoughts come up, it's literally like reading a billboard. I see the words, I can read the message, but at the end of the day I have full control over what I decided to do and what I've committed to doing.

Reading the posts of some other users, particularly those who are just starting their quitting journey, reminds me of how dark and uncertain the experience of addiction is. The grip of addiction is very...life draining. My heart goes out to the people who are in the thick of their addiction cycle - struggling every day to not smoke.

From my own experience, there will come a point where you will decide that enough is enough. And you will realize that you will either stop letting yourself be a victim to the experience of addiction, or you will continue being a victim.

Stop pretending that you don't have full control over your decisions. Take ownership of the fact that in the past, when you "relapsed" you knew full and well that you were falling back on your word and your commitment. It's not wrong, it's just facts.

You let yourself down. YOU chose to do that. It wasn't the cravings. It wasn't your lack of ability. You simply sold out on your promise to yourself.

There is nobody else to blame in your not having quit smoking weed yet.

It's not your friends fault. It's not weed's fault. It's not your body and mind's fault.

It's your fault. You are the one to blame.

You're not bad. You're not wrong. You are the one responsible, though.

If you want to quit, then quit.

If you want to pretend to quit, then pretend to quit.

If you want to continue smoking, then continue smoking.

Don't say you're going to quit, and then leave ANY room for failure.

If you're going to quit - then quit.

There is no "we'll see if I can do it" in quitting.

You'll know if you're serious about quitting, because you won't sense that secret backdoor escape hatch that used to be there in all the past times you've tried "quitting."

Peep this. Some of you are so protective of your identity as a marijuana addict. Which then justifies your inability to quit. Instead of taking ownership of your actions, you blame weed as if it has more control of your body than you do.

Cravings exist. Withdrawals exist. I wholeheartedly acknowledge the shittyness and nature of them. Remember though, those cravings and withdrawals exist because of the way you used weed. You're the one that got yourself there. It's you who will get yourself out.

What a lot of us need out here is tough love. If you're going to quit - then quit. If you're going to try and quit - well then keep smoking. You're stuck in a haze. You treat quitting like it's not something you're responsible for.
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#116

Postby Soberchic » Thu Jul 20, 2017 3:25 pm

Gsaint28 we have thesame quit date..ill have a year 8-28-2017..congrats on your journey and thank you for sharing
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#117

Postby StubItOut » Thu Jul 20, 2017 5:04 pm

Thanks for coming back after so long and posting your update.

It's really inspiring to see people that have actually completed the journey and are feeling good.

So many threads are abandoned after a few posts and so many threads of people still struggling after 6 months. It's hard to read especially when you're on day 8 like I am. You need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I thank you for shining yours at the end of my tunnel today.

All the best dude
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#118

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Jul 22, 2017 12:03 am

Hi gsaint,
I read your stuff a week before my quit date and didn't comment, but your words near the end really really stuck with me. Im day 5 now and hanging in there. Man I know I don't know you but I have to say I'm proud for you. Thank you very much for coming back to post. It has helped me as I start my journey.

Scott
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#119

Postby gsaint28 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:24 am

StubItOut wrote:Thanks for coming back after so long and posting your update.

It's really inspiring to see people that have actually completed the journey and are feeling good.

So many threads are abandoned after a few posts and so many threads of people still struggling after 6 months. It's hard to read especially when you're on day 8 like I am. You need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I thank you for shining yours at the end of my tunnel today.

All the best dude


Hey,

Addiction is an interested experience. By "interesting" I mean it's a peculiar type of problem to have, with a solution that does not seem very clear for somebody who is in the thick of addiction.

One thing I'd like to focus on is the emotional baggage that occurs for people who experience addiction. In my experience, there is this HEAVY experience of "I'm a failure" and "I can't believe I let this get this bad."

It's such a suffering state. On that alone, I really, REALLY empathize with people who are just starting their quitting journey.

Another thing, once weed is gone, and the control back, I realized that it's not even the WEED that led to my depression or lack of fulfillment. It was the fact that I just didn't enjoy my life and didn't enjoy the person I was being every day. Of which I STILL deal with daily - it's just that now I don't use weed to make myself feel better about it.

I think this is where smoking weed may be a problem for people who become addicted. It becomes this...coping mechanism - masked as "medicinal" or "recreational" use.
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