One Year Journey - began 8.28.15 - all support welcome :)

#45

Postby realrecognizereal » Fri Sep 11, 2015 3:02 am

Day 2

Okay, just about made it through day 2. Day 1 was interesting. Started out easy enough, but by the end of the night I was apparently spending entirely too much time analyzing the sh** out of myself and life generally. Very heavy and brutally honest conversation with the wife and the whole works. Didn't sleep too well. A lot to process indeed. I feel like a cave dweller who has stepped into the light. So much to see, but initially, too bright and very over stimulating.

Here I am toward the end of day 2 and vaping already sounds like an appealing idea, but the urge to do it is actually not too difficult to deal with compared to how I feel which is becoming more strange by the hour. I can already tell this is going to be a patience game. I know if I just ride out this feeling of emotional disorientation, things will level, and I'll look back and be way more happy with myself than if gave in.

Next immediate goal is get to bed tonight without vaping.

Keep it real 8)
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#46

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 4:06 am

Day 14 has gone well. Didn't make time to post this morning.

2 weeks! Nice, I just realized that. Went by quickly, even though I can recall the days that were tough.

My sleep has been meh as of late. Feeling groggy and low energy.

Yesterday, I tried a meditation technique called "deep centering" and it helped a bit. It's supposed to help me feel relaxed and refreshed. Through practice and consistency I can see it becoming a useful tool to feel better.

Something I noticed is that my senses seem kind of dull. I especially noticed this when I'm outside. I spend a lot of time in my head, with my thoughts. Being outside doesn't give the experience of being outside. I don't know how to describe it...I guess it just feels like I have a haze or a barrier between my experience and my senses. Idk.

Thanks to everyone that's been posting here, both their own experiences and their support. It REALLY helps.

It really is a healing process. And it really takes time...

cheers yall! :mrgreen:
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#47

Postby Furtive » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:41 pm

G,

I've read your posts in this thread carefully and I think you're on the right path.

I agree with what you've said about where the real issue lies
In terms of weed versus the person abusing it.

Honesty and accepting responsibility for yourself.
Those are the rugs of the ladder up out of the hole
And I think you've got that ladder in place.

the bad news is - the bad symptoms are more noticeable than the improvements.

The good news is that actually weed probably IS responsible for more crap than you think,
So you'll probably find that you do know yourself better than you suspect, and you will get
A lot better just by abstaining from weed. Yes, you need to find hobbies and probably need
To exercise to get that feelgood factor back - but when these become a pleasurable habit
You'll get those benefits "for free".

I've been out of chronic use for about 18 months and despite occasional one-off hits i've been healing well and slowly getting used to being back in control.

I might not feel 100% recovered yet, but what's really nice is that I trust myself again.
The other day after a big pub lunch, a lady came to clear our table and asked,
"can I get you anything else?"
I suggested a wheelchair might be good and pretended I couldn't get up for being stuffed.

That's exactly the sort of joke which goes wrong if you don't feel 100% confident
And deliver it with a quiet sort of humour, totally relaxed.

It's little signs like that which mark my recovery.
Much less obvious to me than the occasional cravings can be.....

...but it doesn't matter.
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#48

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 7:00 pm

Thanks for the encouragement Furtive.

Day 15 (insert thumbs up emoji)

My body and mind will do their thing along this healing journey. Best I can do is be my biggest support. I am the person I need the most as the days go by.

Happy Friday erryone :P
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#49

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Sep 12, 2015 7:04 pm

Day 16

I don't feel happy.

I don't feel myself.

I feel like something or someone is missing.

It's very frustrating.

I feel alone and nobody that knows me can relate.

I feel like I have to put a mask on the outside, while on the inside I'm wilting.

This sucks.
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#50

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:59 am

Day 16 continues

I really don't like how my symptoms (i.e. mood swings, irritability, depersonalization) is influencing my behavior with my girlfriend. It's hard to be consistent for her. It's hard to be happy. It's hard not to just want to lay down and take things slow and go at my own pace. It's hard to be the person that she loves, when I feel like I have to wear a mask to cover the shitty emotions and energies going on inside me. And then...when I can't hold that mask up any longer...the inner sh** comes outwards...and influences her.

I feel like I can't be the person our relationship requires. It really hurts. And it's really shitty to watch how it's effecting us. I don't know what to do.
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#51

Postby quietvoice » Sun Sep 13, 2015 1:12 am

gsaint28 wrote:It's hard not to just want to lay down and take things slow and go at my own pace.

Is there a reason that you can't be yourself, to let her know that on some days you'll need to rest and to be by yourself (or whatever)? Is she not able to understand this about where you're at right now?
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#52

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:06 am

quietvoice wrote:
gsaint28 wrote:It's hard not to just want to lay down and take things slow and go at my own pace.

Is there a reason that you can't be yourself, to let her know that on some days you'll need to rest and to be by yourself (or whatever)? Is she not able to understand this about where you're at right now?


The problem is that she Doesnt trust me and the conversation over weed. Prior to this quitting attempt that is now at day 16, I had tried quitting several times since me and her have been together. And in those several times I failed. And so her and I have had to have the same conversation about how I see its not good for me and I want to quit and then also the conversation after I relapse and try and tell her that weed isn't that bad. Its gotten go a point where she Doesnt know what to believe when I talk about weed.

The fact is that I went 4 months without weed the first time I told her I was going to quit. And I could be honest about paws then. But then I relapsed. And its only now that I've seriously told myself that I can't keep going back to weed. But really it SUCKS being so moody and irritable. I feel like I need go at my own pace in life and can't handle the stress that comes with anything else.

And so I just don't think she has the patience to deal with this journey as it requires. And I get it, its not fun to be with someone that is experiencing paws. Its inconsistent as ****...

I just want to feel support and right now I don't feel like I have it from her.

I feel like in her eyes I'm just some hopeless stoner that she can't trust and who she just doesn't love anymore.

And she's just over this bs.

I just want her to know that I wish I wasn't like this and that I'm trying my damn best and it sucks so hard to feel like I am underperforming every day and that I wish I just caught a break and was appreciated for how hard this is for me.

I just want us to stop fighting and to feel loved and feel capable of loving her again.

I just don't feel that were connected. It feels like I have two strikes on my record and she expects a third and then that's it...that's all the evidence she needs to convince her inner jury that I'm a waste of time and that's that.
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#53

Postby realrecognizereal » Sun Sep 13, 2015 6:12 am

Day 3 did not go well. Drank one too many, decided it would be a good idea to smoke. Didn't loose my sh** or anything, but I thought I would've made it a little longer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself.

That being said, I woke up this morning and decided I wouldn't beat myself up and apply the heavy self-guilt (something I am notorious for). As I saw it, my options were: a) change my tune, give up on quitting and pretend its not that big of a deal anyway; disappear from the forum etc. or b) accept that time will keep moving, choose to keep it positive and continue making an effort I still believe is 100% the thing I need to do and be honest with anyone reading this and with my wife who has been very supportive by sharing my bad decision and getting back on with it.

So now I am almost through day 1 again. No plans to smoke/vape this eve or at all in the foreseeable future. I still feel good about going in this direction and honestly, despite going where I went yesterday, I am realizing it wasn't awesome and I'm just not that interested anymore. Also, I can still notice the difference of having smoked only once in the better part of four days in a very positive way. I feel mentally quicker and I really think my short-term memory, if only a bit, is noticeably better. Small things, but good things and definitely motivating.

For anyone currently making the effort and feeling tempted, it's just not worth it.

G, hang in there. There are forces inside of you pulling you because weed has been a habit for you for a long time. Your only human and you've made made many small choices that have added up to something bigger than you ever would have thought. This is the paradox that is weed (at least as I see it). The fact remains that you have been standing tall for a good while now, and you should be really proud of that effort. I wise man once told me that the rhythm of life is two steps forward, one step back. Just do your best and do whatever you can to keep putting more sober days under your belt. I think it's hard for people who have never struggled with addiction to understand that you can want something badly (to quit), but its just not always that easy or simple (hence this forum for example). If you were in her shoes, you might necessarily feel the same way simply because the experience cannot be related to. Just keep focusing on making the right choice one day at a time, and no matter what happens, its going to be fine. Provided she loves you, [i]and[i] has the capacity to be patient and trust you true inner will to do this, she will hang in there with you. You sound like a good guy and a smart guy. If you really did't care, and didn't honestly have the desire, you simply wouldn't be putting in the effort you've shared (which has been really helpful and motivating to me btw). Go back and read your posts, it's all there. From where I am sitting, you undeniably have the desire to do this and some part of you inside is really excited about it.

I could't even make it three full days and the rest of my life doesn't sound half as hectic as what you've shared. Your pretty much a superhero compared to me at this point and I'm looking up to you in a big way.

Sad, corny, and sappy, yes. But 100% true. You totally got this, just keep going no matter what.
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#54

Postby Wave » Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:04 am

gsaint28 wrote:The fact is that I went 4 months without weed the first time I told her I was going to quit. And I could be honest about paws then. But then I relapsed. And its only now that I've seriously told myself that I can't keep going back to weed. But really it SUCKS being so moody and irritable. I feel like I need go at my own pace in life and can't handle the stress that comes with anything else.

And so I just don't think she has the patience to deal with this journey as it requires. And I get it, its not fun to be with someone that is experiencing paws. Its inconsistent as ****...

I just want to feel support and right now I don't feel like I have it from her.


Firstly, been following your thread gsaint28 and I can completely relate to this, as probably can many addicts (be it drugs, gambling etc) to how this can impact on your relationship while in recovery. I think one of the hard elements of quitting cannabis is the "oh but its only cannabis, how can you be addicted to that?" mindset that so many people have. All of the drugs I have used, cannabis by a country mile has been the hardest to kick.

I think so much of it is how when you are 3 months+ out your mind starts to convince you that weed would be "ok this time". I am a pretty honest person, but I have lied so many times relating to drugs. Due to that, even now she has serious doubts when I discuss drugs or money. I have not smoked/vaped since start of April every day (2 minor slip ups) and she still doesn't truely believe I am not about to relapse and be back to being stoned as much as I can possibly manage.

I don't blame her for this, I too have been through so many fails on this but this time I am so sure I can not go back to weed. I don't miss it and honestly believe I am a more active, social and happier person not being an isolated stoner.

Where you are in your quit is very emotional, and it does suck. BUT use all that to motivate you to really truly quit, why do you want something in your life that causes this much grief to you and your loved ones? I think of that I have achieve while being a stoner, well we both should think about what we can achieve now we are not stoners, far far more!!!

Don't in any way blame you GF for this, anyone that lies to me constantly I tend not to trust/believe either so I can understand why the wife feel how she does when I say I am truely done with weed. I am going to get rid of all my smoking/vaping stuff and I think that step will further help her believe I am moving on with life. What you need to focus on, is that you can earn back that trust, but I think it will take at least 9-12months as I have never reached those kind of points with quitting weed.

As for not feeling connected, a lot of that is the weed withdrawals, I literally felt nothing for like the first 2 months, to the point people would ask why I was "not the same" at work and outside of work and so I would have to come up with further lies, as 100% could never say it was because I was massive stoner trying to quit (literally no one I associate with has any idea).

realrecognizereal welcome and thanks for your contribution here, but could I ask you to make your own thread when giving accounts about your quit (e.g. Day 3). As make threads a little confusing and then it is great for you to track your own progress. Of my 4 quit attempts here (in my sig) I have always started a new one and is actually great to see how you were feeling at e.g. day 35 of your previous quit, helps to further motivate me! That said, valid point about people who have not been through addiction understanding your challenges, causes so much friction when a non-addict gives advice (e.g. "I mean just dont do it again, how hard can it be?"). That why this forum is so great!
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#55

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:30 pm

Day 17 :thumbs up:

thank you to realrecognizereal and Wave for the words of encouragement and perspective from your own experiences

Wave - you really put it into perspective how my lack of integrity has caused my gf to trust me less. you've also reminded me to use this as a HUGE motivation to really quit...I had a conversation with my cousin the other day about why I was quitting, cause he had trouble understanding why,...or really I was the one that had trouble understanding why...but the truth is that I really cant believe who I've become and how much I stopped growing. I want to get my mind right.

realrecognizereal - it never occurred to me that I was inspiring and motivating that many people. this will also give me extra motivation to keep going. like I've said in past posts...it's not the first week, the second week, or even the second month...it's the third month...fourth....half a year...and so on that it really gets tough.

So, adding to the reason WHY I'm quitting

1. The version of me that believes weed is ultimately beneficial for his growth is non-existent. At this point, what weed does for me is hold me in a state of lowness.
2. I want to defeat PAWS and I NEVER want to put myself in a position to be here again.
3. The fact that my memory is impaired...my paranoia is high...my negative self-talk is high...my relationships are strained...and I'm overall just...sad...I don't ever want to be here if it's in my control.
4. I am a motivation for who knows how many people following this thread...and I am an example of how tough the journey is and have an opportunity to be an example of someone who saw what weed did for him and his life and made it out happy and for the better


Last night my gf and I had a conversation that we've had many times before...I won't go into it...but the gist is that man...I am a very selfish person and don't have a real interest in how I can be a good boyfriend or good friend and how I can give up my own time for other people in order to build a relationship or friendship...

I believe that relationships are a direct line for us to see the parts of us inside that are weak or need to be grown...and in my relationship with my gf...it is clear that what I need to learn is to take into account somebody else's happiness as much as my own...and if I was REALLY grown...to put my own needs aside in order to do what a loving boyfriend or friend would do...not that I should give up my life for her or be a push over...but to be THERE for her...and to CARE about her...and to LOVE her...

I don't know if yall are spiritual up in here...but my EGO has tried SO hard to sabotage my relationship...it truly believes that it is far better off by itself. It believes ALL KINDS of nasty sh** about my gf that ARE NOT true...she is literally the OPPOSITE of what my ego believes...she's been extremely patient of the fact that I am a quitting stoner...even though I've lost her trust...who can blame her...she's been EXTREMELY STRONG to the point where she's taken SO MANY emotional blows from me because I can't stop f***ing going crazy in my head and wanting to blame her...

What's crazy is that I am really seeing how we create things in our minds and project them onto reality...I've made up SO MANY things in my mind that are not true. YET, because I've constantly been playing those thoughts in my head...they became real TO ME, and then I TALK like it's real and BEHAVE like it's real...and I FOCUS on aspects that align with that perspective in my head...

this post isn't finished...but I'm gonna cut it right here and start a fresh one with a different tone
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#56

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 13, 2015 4:02 pm

Day 17. The following post is a "Core Lesson" post. A Core Lesson post is a reminder of what I've learned from the past 17 days. That way...if I EVER forget (which is likely) or I'll ever FEEL or THINK or BELIEVE that things aren't going well or start to PROJECT onto my girlfriend as if our relationship is the core problem when it's NOT, THIS post will be a reminder of what is TRULY happening.

Dear G,

Whether it's PAWS or not, there are some key facts about your current state that you must understand.

1. your memory is dull
2. your ability to listen is impaired
3. your empathy is low
4. your EGO is high
5. your emotions are unstable
6. your sense of self worth is low
7. your paranoia is high
8. your anxiety is high

It's not fun experiencing this version of you. But it IS only just a version. This is temporary. So, in light of this knowledge, you must understand there is a REASON that you feel this way. The reason is NOT the gf. She is NOT the core of your unhappiness. What IS the core of your unhappiness is PAWS and your own mind. You beat yourself up silly mentally. You REALLY, REALLY bully the hell out of yourself mentally. And, boy, it's not just YOU that your mind likes to throw around...it has a nasty habit of throwing OTHER people in that mix too. L (the gf) is being ESPECIALLY effected by your negative self talk - as she ALSO receives negative self talk from you. SHE is not the problem...she is one of your ANGELS...you're SO damn lucky she's still even around. She has 1000000001 reasons why she does NOT deserve the things you've said to her and the lack of respect and appreciation you're VERBALLY expressed towards her.

You have quite the devil in you, mentally, and over time this voice is the one that will be defeated. But, for now...it is YOUR responsibility to TAME that voice and to take full responsibility for it if you DON'T tame it. YOU are the one causing your own misery to a LARGE degree. And it's okay...it will take time...but you have to know that a lot of this crappiness is stemming from something in your own control.

Although not doing weed is the first and biggest step toward healing...it's not the only step. Not smoking weed solved the initial problem, which was that I smoked too much. Now, the problem is no longer smoking weed, the problem is the person I am without weed. And so...weed is no longer the focal point of my healing. In order to heal, you have to actively do things that will help you be a better person internally.

You will LITERALLY have to make time in your day to tell yourself all the GOOD things about your relationship, GOOD things about yourself, GOOD things about other stuff. Cause right now your mind operates on a negative pattern. It doesn't automatically talk about good things anymore. It talks about bad things. It talks about negative things. It focuses on negative things. You literally have to fight against that pattern and create a new one if this is EVER going to change.

You have to start really taking control of the ONE thing you actually DO have control over...and that's your mind, body, and voice. And even your emotions.

So, reminder, these are the core lessons:

1. L is in need of your love as much as you are in need of hers. Give her the love she deserves. She is more precious that you currently appreciate. Don't wait until she's gone and out of your life before you start being the person you know, deep down inside, that you would die for her and would want her to know HOW much you love her. You may not "feel" love, but it's NOT because of her...that lack of loving feeling is not because you don't love her...it's because you don't love yourself. - THAT is the truth.

2. PAWS is a thing...but don't let yourself become a victim towards PAWS just like you've let yourself become a victim of weed. YES, the symptoms exist...but that doesn't mean I can't take the measures that would allow me to feel the best I could. The worst I can do is just sit there and let PAWS run my life. PAWS doesn't run my f***ing life. Do I have to fight it? Yes. Do I have to lose? No.

3. You must actively take time to appreciate yourself, appreciate the people in your life, appreciate ALL the damn good things in your life, and then take ACTION in ways that solidify that appreciation. It's NOT enough to just talk about things or think about good things anymore. You gotta DO good things, BE a good person. Talk is f***ing cheap. It's worth NOTHING if it doesn't come with action to back it up. At the moment, you're ALL talk and NO action. - THAT is the DAMN truth.


What I'm trying to say is, you're not the person you think you are G. You're not as heavenly, and loving as you think you are. BUT you're also not as broken or dumb or low as you are. You're not at your best, and you COULD be lower than you are now. You are where you are, and that includes a host of negative AND positive things. Focus on the positive.

Here is an assignment:

EVERY DAY from now until the one year mark of this journey, write a letter to L that's filled with ALL the appreciation you can muster. Just like you post here on this forum every day, write her a letter every day. It will remind YOU how much your love her and it will remind her too. Do not include your sob story in these letters. These letters have ONE goal, express as much appreciation, gratitude, and love for L as you can. Take your time with them. Don't cheat her or yourself on this task like you have been cheating yourself already.








NOTE TO EVERYONE FOLLOWING THIS POST: If you've taken the time to read through all these words, thank you. It really helps me knowing that there are people rooting for my recovery and reading these words with interest. I am a living example of how rough this journey is and what it might take for some of you to make it out of this journey too. I am only on day 17, but I am SO hungry and inspired to become a far happier person without weed as I was deluded into believing I was with weed.

I appreciate those that comment on this thread with their support and their experience. It reminds me that A) I'm not the only one who is experiencing these struggles and B) I have people supporting me when I feel like even I can't support myself.

I used to think that I'm supposed to do things ONLY for myself and NOT for the sake of other people. Like that's some form of weakness or wrong thinking...to be inspired by others...like I'm not doing it for the right reasons...

No...the truth is that I want to make it out for both me AND all the people that are going through the same journey as me.

Day 17 out of Day 365.

One day at a time.
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#57

Postby gsaint28 » Mon Sep 14, 2015 6:37 pm

Day 18

Craving struggle: 0/10.

PAWS struggle: 6/10

PAWS symptoms: tiredness, inability to think clearly, memory problems, emotional numbness

Positive notes: I had a moment yesterday where I envisioned the type of person I will be when the PAWS symptoms go away and I've become a newer person. In that vision I stood taller, talked from a different headspace, was very patient and understanding of others needs, and most importantly, I had an inner peace within me. It was that inner peace that allowed me to be that person in the vision. It felt so damn good.

Take away message for myself: Although the PAWS symptoms can be uncomfortable, it is nice to know that they can be managed. The point is that you are NOT the symptoms, the symptoms are a result of something else. The nasty thoughts, the nasty feelings, etc., yes you feel them and yes you think them, but they are not you. You don't have to let those things control you, just like you don't have to let the cravings of weed control you. It's not easy, but there is a solution. You are not hopeless.

Cheers to everyone reading these posts! good luck with your journey and thanks for the support

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

-G
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#58

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Sep 15, 2015 6:17 pm

Day 19

Craving struggle: 0/10

PAWS struggle: 4/10

PAWS symptoms: memory problems, inability to think clearly, emotional numbess

Positive notes: A pat on the back to me for going 19 days, lol. The cravings for weed have been non-existent. After accepting that PAWS symptoms are real, it's been easier to deal with them. When I feel any symptoms, I try my best to go about the moment regardless. If I feel my mood trying to swing, I do my best to keep it in check. If I feel emotionally numb, I stay calm and don't attach any meaning to it. If I can't think clearly or my memory is blank, I don't judge myself about it. It is a relief to admit that the PAWS symptoms are real, but also to know I have control over the way I handle them.

Reminder to myself: G, as the days go by and your PAWS symptoms decrease, remember that the option of smoking weed part-time only sets you back. The goal of quitting is not to prove to yourself that you can go X days without smoking. This was a matter of self-control, yes, but there's a MUCH bigger picture. The bigger picture is that weed is unhealthy for your mind and your ability to perform in life. It is a crutch. It no longer serves you a purpose, other than to remind you that the version of you on weed is dull and slow in comparison to the version of you that exists without weed. You PROMISED yourself that you'd go a full year. And you PROMISED L that you'd stop. For f sake, you promised YOURSELF that you'd quit 100 times. Keep that promise. You know it would make you so happy to follow through with this. It is a part of your life journey.

Cheers yall :D
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#59

Postby bakednomore » Wed Sep 16, 2015 5:18 am

Hi G
Just want to say I can relate to what your going through with your girlfriend, a lot. Hope things work out for the both of you
You seem to be in a good place and definitely quitting for the right reason's.
Are you still practicing meditation? It's amazing how powerful a tool this can be when we are experiencing mental turmoil.
Well done on making it so far, I'm just a few days behind you so feel like we're both in this together, hopefully we can keep going and keep posting.
I enjoy reading your posts as I can relate to so much of what you say,
Good to see the cravings are non existent, me too I was at a party the other night when somebody rolled a cone and offered me some. I passed and just chilled when they went outside. Interesting to observe their mannerisms upon returning. So glad that's not me anymore.
Onwards and upwards my friend
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