One Year Journey - began 8.28.15 - all support welcome :)

#60

Postby Josh410 » Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:26 am

G just want you to know that in my early days of quitting your posts are really helpful to me. Your honesty with yourself is commendable, and although you might feel low due to the PAWS your doing a difficult thing for all the right reasons, and your an encouragement to others on the forum.
I hope for yours and your girlfriends sake you can keep it up. I can relate to the tensions that the quitting/ smoking cycle can cause on a relationship and think that being able to discuss with people on here is a great way to take the burden off her. I hope you all the best and look forward to following your progress.
As you say one day at a time it'll be worth it!
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#61

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Sep 16, 2015 6:33 pm

Day 20

Weed cravings: 0.5/10 - I had a couple quiet thoughts about weed this morning. I didn't linger over it for more than 5 seconds. I don't even remember what the thoughts were about.

PAWS effect: 5/10 - It's the feeling of not quite being "myself" that I notice most consistently. I don't feel as quick or sharp, and I don't feel as upbeat and positive towards other people.

PAWS symptoms: inability to think clearly, empty minded, light fatigue

PAWS vs other: I'm not sure when it's PAWS that is causing the symptoms or when it's something else...can be quite confusing.

Thanks to my supporters: Bakednomore, Josh, Furtive, Wave, realrecognizereal, and the others that have shown their support through my journey thus far. My spirit is lifted every time I see one of you guys post on my thread, showing your support and relating to my circumstances.

Update with my gf: After that dreadful night where we fought for hours, my gf and I have smoothed things out. I communicated certain thoughts I felt were true about our relationship, especially in regarding to weed. I felt that I had to put on this mask to hide the fact that PAWS is effecting my day to day being. I felt she wouldn't be supportive because I thought she didn't trust me enough to stay off weed and let the healing of PAWS take place. She communicated to me that she does support me and she completely understands that I may not always be feeling my best due to PAWS. She expressed that she loves me no matter what state I'm at. That is something I did not know. In my previous relationships, I felt that unless I was always at my best, I would not always be loved. As for my end of things, I need to keep my thoughts and emotions in check in regards to my relationship. I am usually the igniter of the fights and arguments. It is usually started with some shitty thought that leads to shitty feelings that leads to me wanting to blame her for not giving me the right support or holding me back or not appreciating me enough. None of that sh** is true...And so I need to keep the facts in mind and disregard the crap.

Positive notes: All things considered, you're doing REALLY well. You may not feel your best, but in comparison to where you were 20 days ago, or hell, even 3-4 years ago, this is AMAZING. Think back to when you couldn't even get that weed addicted voice out of your head. You don't even THINK about weed anymore, not like you used to. You aren't CONSTANTLY berating yourself about how "you ought to quit man, this can't go on like this man" all while you're packing a bowl. You're DOING it man. You're following your own word on this. You're following through. It's not a matter of "I ought to quit" anymore. You ARE quitting! And I'd go as far as to say you're done for good...but my past history says "yea...let's not jump the gun and start putting too much pressure on ourselves." I am just going to take it a day at a time. And when a year hits, maybe sooner, I'll know what's good for me.

Cheers!

:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
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#62

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Sep 17, 2015 7:19 pm

Day 21 = three weeks!

I'm currently watching The Matrix on TV. One of my favorites :P

Weed Cravings: 0/10

PAWS effect: 5/10

PAWS symptoms: haziness, blank/slow thinking, depersonalization

Positive Notes: Despite that I don't necessary feel my best, I feel I am doing very well in life. I just got my first part-time job yesterday 8) I signed up for a local gym and worked out for the first time in months. I'm taking responsibility for how I show up in my relationship. I begin Life Coaching school in November. And last, but not least, I am 21 days removed from the last time I let myself belief weed was beneficial for me! Not too shabby :P

Reminder of why I believe smoking weed is no longer for me: It's just not my style. It doesn't align with who I am. And doing it only reminds of what I actually believe - smoking weed makes me feel negative.

Anyways, cheers to you all!
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#63

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Sep 18, 2015 10:29 pm

Day 22

Weed cravings: 0.5/10 - had a couple neutral thoughts about weed, nothing tempting.

PAWS effect: 6.5/10 - having one of those days where I feel indifferent to the world.

PAWS symptoms: moodiness, low energy, irritability, haziness

Comments on PAWS: It's difficult for me to tell when the symptoms I experience are related to PAWS or if they're just me when sober. I feel the hazy feeling in my head is definitely PAWS though.

Motivation notes: Just keep moving forward. One moment at a time. I can't beat PAWS in one day. I can't wait until PAWS is gone before I start doing things in my life. I must find a way to keep progressing. I can't let PAWS be an excuse for why I don't make moves.

Positive notes to myself: You have progressed SO much in this journey. Think back to all those times you relapsed. Think back to all those times you threw out weed and pipes. Think back to those nights when the cravings were really really bad. Agonizing really. Think back to how much you used to battle yourself mentally. How scared you were to quit. How unsure you were. Think of all the money you spent. Think of all the self doubt you instilled in your ability to follow through. Remember all that? It seemed like you'd never get yourself out of that perpetual cycle of wanting to quit but never being able to.

Now look where you are now. You've clearly proven to yourself that you can stop smoking and don't need it. You don't have that sick voice in your head needling you to smoke weed anymore. You have progressed so much, but you don't appreciate that as much as you should.

You're strong for admitting you had a problem. You're brave for doing something about it. You're wise to know that weed isn't for you, even in the midst of an entire culture that promotes it otherwise (of which you were a part of). You're lucky that you didn't receive major consequences while you were using weed, other than PAWS. All things considered, your life is GREAT. Ain't nothing really to complain about!

Sure you have PAWS. Big deal. At least you're alive. At least you're not in a concentration camp. At least your body works. At least you all your senses are in tact. Man, you have it EASY in comparison to so many people. You're blessed.

Lesson of the day: keep it in perspective.

Cheers y'all.
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#64

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Sep 19, 2015 5:58 pm

Day 23, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Weed Cravings: 0/10
Paws Effect: 5/10
Paws symptoms: haziness

Comment on PAWS: I'm starting to think that much of what I attribute to PAWS is not PAWS but simply...being human, lol. My point is that I feel I have more control over my symptoms than I believe. I guess I feel more empowered saying that it is my human-ness that makes me feel shitty than saying it is PAWS. IDK haha I'm not trying to be right...I'm trying to feel better about my situation.

Shoutout to all the people reading my posts on the daily!

Peace yall 8)
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#65

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:24 pm

Day 24!

Weed Cravings: 0/10 - although I had an urge to smoke hookah today as I drove past a hookah bar this morning. I'm not going to though

PAWS effect: 5/10 - however, yesterday I was particularly moody.

PAWS symptoms: haziness, anxiety, irritability

Positive Note: Almost a month in! There is 0% chance of me going back. 0%. Just gotta keep moving forward and doing new things with my life.

Cheers yall :mrgreen:
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#66

Postby Wave » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:54 pm

Great attitude! Just keep trying new things and use the money saved for better things!! Once the first month is out of the way the worst it done, then it becomes a case of making sure you dont go near it in times of need, and realising it was adding nothing to life any more!! It did at first but the last 2-3 years I started to feel very different about it.

Keep going and loving the updates!
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#67

Postby gsaint28 » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:21 pm

Day 25

Weed Cravings: 0.5/10 - had a moment yesterday where I felt "odd" knowing that I'm not going to smoke again. I thought of situations where smoking weed would be a "bonding" experience, both with friends and strangers. I thought of how it would suck to deny those opportunities...I guess it's just difficult to understand still, how a whole culture of people can use weed to benefit their life and for me it does the opposite...I can imagine myself, down the road, "being able to use weed occasionally"...but then I think of all the times I've literally done that, and how it always led me to the spot I am now - wanting to quit for good. I guess a day of smoking is just not worth the consequences. Short-term gratification vs long-term effects.

PAWS Effects: 7/10 - I find myself being susceptible to emotional instability and moodiness. I also feel slightly paranoid and anxious talking to others. However, I don't think this has as much to do with PAWS as it does my own personal issues.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, moodiness

Reminder to myself: I know that it is always my responsibility to choose what path I walk. Could I smoke today and choose to not smoke tomorrow? Yes. Would it make me feel good? No. Why? Cause I promised myself I'd stop. Is weed bad? No. Are people who smoke weed bad? No. Are you bad for smoking weed? No. Does that mean you should smoke weed? No. Does weed effect everyone differently? Yes. Is it a positive experience for some people? Yes. Should you feel bad for yourself cause you can't smoke weed? No, cause I CAN smoke weed, but I am choosing not to.

Being High Without Weed: This is my goal. I am working on myself so that I don't need weed to produce a state of being or a state of mind that's better than my default state. I know it is 100% possible. I want to be self-confident and secure. I want to know how to induce a state of relaxation and calmness. Inner peace if you will. I know it is possible. Being stoned is a fabricated state of being. Is there a lot of positives from it? Yeah. Can one learn from those experiences? Ideally, yes. I feel I HAVE learned a lot.

The last lesson weed has to teach me: Don't mind my philosophical/spiritual take here. Weed, as an object, has become this point of fixation for me. Weed has taught me a lot of lessons that I have not learned elsewhere. The main lesson being the state of consciousness and state of being that is very peaceful and happy. How is it that one moment I am completely angry, pissed off, stressed, worried about everything, and then after smoking weed the next moment, all is well and none of those feelings and thoughts exist anymore. Weed has taught me that each moment is an opportunity for us to choose how we want to feel and what we want to think. We don't need weed to transcend lower states of being and feeling. That is how weed becomes a crutch. Instead of being the cause for our states of being, we use weed to be the cause. It's not the worst thing in the world - at least we use weed to feel better instead of channeling those nasty feelings onto others. But, alas, I must learn to do what weed has done for me without the help of weed. And so, the last lesson that weed has to teach me is that I do not need weed. We don't have to be happy for a reason. We can be happy for no reason. We can be high without the drugs.

Peace yall :mrgreen:
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#68

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:14 pm

Day 26

Weed Cravings: 0/10

PAWS Effect: 6/10

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, anxiety

Know yourself: The key understanding is to know that for ME, weed does not make me happy. At this point...any time I do smoke weed, all I'd think about in the back of my head is how I promised I'd quit and this was just a moment where I let myself down. It really is all about integrity for me. There's a reason why I said I'd quit a long time ago. It wasn't who I am.

In other news: Today is my first day of training for my new part-time job! Wish me luck!

Peace yall :P
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#69

Postby Furtive » Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:18 pm

Good luck with the job, G.

I don't know if it's enough of a challenge for you
But if it isn't, keep looking for one that is. :)
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#70

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Sep 23, 2015 5:45 am

Day 26 Update

I had a great experience that goes against my belief that I am anxious and socially incapable. Today was the first day of training at my new part-time job. There were six new hires, of which I was one. At first it was just me and one girl. I made conversation with her and she seemed to open up to me and enjoy my presence. Then an older lady joined us, and the conversation opened up to the three of us. Then eventually there was six of us. There were many times where the training facilitator stepped out of the room and it was just us and silence. I took the initiative of being one of the social leaders as to prevent awkward silences and to get people to know each other. It was REALLY, REALLY refreshing experiencing the social side of myself. The group was very receptive to me and my question and points of conversation. I felt pretty comfortable, even though there were times where I was racing to think of something to talk about. I may not always be the social king, but that doesn't mean I am socially incapable.

The truth is that I enjoy talking to people and like initiating conversation. I can clearly see where my apprehensions lie:

-am I being "cool" enough?
-what's the right thing to say?
-does she think I'm attractive?
-does he respect me?
-am I being funny enough?
-is that an awkward thing to say?
-am I trying too hard?
-am I doing this right?
-am I being chill enough?
-do they like me?
-do they think I'm cool?
-am I sexy?
-am I coming off as confident?

SO many worries. SO many things OUT of my control and dependent on other people. Trying so hard to gauge other people's response to me to know where I am. Using other people as a mirror for who I am.

WOW...how backwards haha

How can I use other people to know who I am? They aren't me. Surely that approach only leads to confusion and the inability to know oneself...

wow...

WOW.
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#71

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:50 am

Day 27! Been waiting all day to finally update my thread haha.

Weed Cravings: 0.5/10 - I wouldn't so much call it a craving as much as a nostalgic moment. There are a couple songs that trigger memories of my past. In this case it was Drake's song "Furthest Thing." Reminds me of my Senior year in college around the time that me and my ex girlfriend got together and then broke up, lol.

PAWS Effect: 6/10 - The most obvious effect is the layer of fog between my mind and the world. I just seem a little slower or behind in the time. Like there's a lag time between my brain and the rest of the world. It is particularly noticeable when I engage in conversation. My thoughts are not as fluid as they ought to be. One thing I am looking forward to is having my quick wit back.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, slow/dull thinking, foggy thinking

Notes from today: Today was a long day, but I'm feeling productive and applying myself. I woke up at 6:30am and drove my donkey to work. Work didn't start until 9:30am, so I took a nap until it started. Work was from 9:30-6:30pm, with a one hour lunch break. Had taco bell for both lunch and dinner, with mcdonalds as breakfast - yikes. Been riding that fast food train for the better half of a month now...have definitely put on 10 pounds because of it. Starting to gain a little chub, I can tell. I always fluctuate between 145 and 160. Whenever I can see that I've let myself go a bit, I always get myself back in the gym, eating healthier, and back down to a nice 145-150. I am at that 157lb mark and have started going back to the gym. I went tonight actually, after work. I had a very short, but good gym session. Finally got my donkey home and am now in bed.

Epiphany: I was in between sets, sitting on the bench press, when I realized that the only way to be truly fit and healthy (as far as lifting weights goes) is to make lifting weights a part of my lifestyle. The problem with me is that I always STOP working out. Whether it's cause I'm too lazy, or I feel like I'm burnt out, or whatever, I always stop. It's never become a part of me, a part of how I live. Sure, we could go on extreme programs and lose all the weight and gain all the muscle in like 3-6 months. But all that progress will go away eventually if you stop.

This is when I thought about how progress in the gym parallels to progress in quitting weed. You can't get the body or health you want by going to the gym once or twice and then quitting. You won't keep the body or health you want if you go for 3 months and then stop going after that. The only way to keep the body and the health is to keep going, forever. Same thing goes with weed and quitting. We can't expect to get better by quitting for just 1 week or 3 months and then stopping. Could you go a day or two without working out, yea. But in order to be where you want to be you have to keep doing the things that keep you there. The guys and girls that keep going to the gym, consistently, for YEARS, THOSE are the ones who are truly healthy. They continue to be healthy.

And you know...at first I want to tell people I'm going to the gym so they know...just like I want to tell people I quit so they know...like that's supposed to say something about me...the day I don't have to tell them sh** and they still know, that's when you know there;s something different about you....the results speak for themselves...

and damnit, I hope to be happy as hell one day to the point where even smoking weed brings me down...

Day 27, OUT

Peace yall

:mrgreen: :wink:
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#72

Postby Wave » Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:15 pm

gsaint28 wrote:..... Had taco bell for both lunch and dinner, with mcdonalds as breakfast - yikes. Been riding that fast food train for the better half of a month now...have definitely put on 10 pounds because of it. Starting to gain a little chub, I can tell. I always fluctuate between 145 and 160. Whenever I can see that I've let myself go a bit, I always get myself back in the gym, eating healthier, and back down to a nice 145-150. I am at that 157lb mark and have started going back to the gym. I went tonight actually, after work. I had a very short, but good gym session.


Wow, I feel I was very similar to this the first month. I ate little for the first few days and then picked up a serious fast food habit for 2 months (approx). I have started hitting the gym lately and feel so good ridding myself of the slight chub I also accumulated. Honestly, eating better and cutting fast food, soft drinks and sugar makes you feel so much better. It really is another addiction!!!

Well done, hit 30 days so and that is a really great landmark to reach. I know it isnt about counting the days but for the first initial withdrawal it really helped me and now I count in months (6 months on the 2nd!!).

Bringing the gym into your routine will help you no end with this quit, please do it!!!
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#73

Postby Josh410 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:39 pm

Yo g, sound like your making good progress! Weird how similar your experiences sound to mine like using people as mirrors and worrying about their perceptions of you I often do the same. It's nice when we step out of our social comfort zones and when we are able to be the instigator of humour and conversation with strangers! And the more you do it, the more natural it will become :)
As for the gym/quitting weed parallel I've been thinking the same thing , the guys that are really big are there all the time and it's just part of their lifestyle, and that's how we've gotta look at both quitting the bud and working out. I tend to think that if I abandon the gym I'll be more likely to revert to smoking and vice versa.
I'd definitely recommend doing some cardio and cutting out the fast food man, I've only been going to the gym for 2 weeks and I've dropped 5 kilos, and that's when I've been primarily focusing on weights! I'm gonna talk some more about it on my thread but yeah whilst you've got the momentum going why not clean up the diet?
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#74

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:42 am

Day 28!!! That's four weeks, baby!! Its also my favorite number :D

What's up, Wave and Josh! Thanks for chiming in on my thread. I enjoy reading your guys feedback. I also enjoy seeing the progress you guys are making in your thread. Keep it up my forum friends :D

As for me:

Weed Cravings: 0/10

PAWS Effect: 5/10 - today's been a great day

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, fluctuating energy, dull thinking

Things to work on: I feel I have a strong grip on my desire to remain weed free, and I'd like to start addressing other "problems" in my life. Namely healthier eating and sleeping patterns.

I can't promise myself just yet that I'll stop eating fast food. But I will cut soda and leave it to just water and coffee (I don't think frappaccinos should count but I'll leave them for now).

As for sleeping patterns, I will sleep before 12am and wake up at 6:45am. I think that's reasonable. Waking up on the first alarm is really the key.

Alright. Its settled.

Water and coffee.
Sleep at midnight and wake up at 6:45am on the first alarm.

I will see you all back again tomorrow to report on my results!

Day 28 done! Month done!

Peace yall
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