One Year Journey - began 8.28.15 - all support welcome :)

#75

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:25 pm

Day 29

Went to sleep at 12am. Woke up at 6:06am to pee. Decided to stay up rather than go back to sleep and let my alarm wake me up again at 6:45am. I did that yesterday and was groggy as ****, and ended up snoozing until 7:30am and having to rush to work.

It feels much better to get up right away than going back to sleep and snoozing, even if it's for a solid 30-45 minutes. I enjoy some time to mozy in the morning, rather than getting up and straight into the day.

Will report back tonight with the regular updates.

Hope everyone is doing well with their progress. And thanks to everyone that continues to read these posts!

Peace :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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#76

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Sep 26, 2015 1:06 am

Day 29 - update

Weed Craving: 0/10 - weed ain't even a thang, mang.

PAWS Effect: 4.5/10 - today's been great, again.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, minor anxiety, minor paranoia

Transitioning from Negative to Positive: I had several glimpses of feeling really good today. The fog lifted for just a minute or two. God DAMNIT I can't wait for the fog to leave for good. I feel like I have this inner bliss and joy that wants to express itself to others, but that expression is suppressed by a straight jacket of uncertainty and fear. I feel like f***ing hercules when hades took all his demigod powers away, and hercules was all gray and depressed and sh**. But when Hercules has his powers hes freakin golden and unstoppable and sh**. I feel like someone who's really fun and awesome...but then was told by somebody they looked up to that they were nothing and lame, and from that point on stopped wanting to be happy. That's as accurate as I can get - metaphor wise haha. IN OTHER WORDS, I feel like I am having glimpses of remembering who I am, and I can't wait until those glimpses become a knowing, and then eventually that knowing becomes a being, and that being is who I am.

Being Free: Free to self-express. Free to be. Free to move. Free to choose. Free to make mistakes. Free to be happy despite the world. Free to not take life so damn seriously. Free to try and fail and try again. Free to succeed. Free to try my best. Free to be lazy. Free to say hello. Free to be quiet. Free to sing in public. Free to dance naked. Free to cuss. Free to be kind. Free to smile to strangers. Free to laugh and joke. Free to love on people. Free to do drugs. Free to talk about taboo things. Free to say no. Free to choose and be happy. Free to wear ugly clothes. Free to feel awkward. Free to admit fear.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's all going to be okay. IT's ALL going to be okay. *long sigh*

I feel good today :D 8) :mrgreen: :P

Peace yall
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#77

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Sep 26, 2015 9:03 pm

Day 30

Weed Cravings: 0/10

PAWS Effect: 7/10 - after a couple days of feeling good, I was finally hit with a slight bump in the road

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, irritability, moodiness, emotional instability, impatience

Letting my emotions speak: The following words are not to be taken seriously or literally. I am currently feeling down, and I am going to use this post as a space to simply release that negative emotion out. Thank you for understanding.

I feel out of touch with my core. I feel like I am a shell of myself. I feel like something is missing. Something extremely vital to my happiness and confidence. I feel like I am missing. I don't how to make sense of that.

Maybe I used weed to get in touch with my core...I used it to fill this same void that I feel now...except I no longer use weed to fill it.
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#78

Postby Furtive » Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:38 pm

That's the weed hangover.
It's the after-effect of having THC in your brain all the time for however long it was
You adjusted to it; now you're going to adjust back,
And while that happens,
You'll get symptoms like that and often feel tired and hopeless.

But really the worst of it was while you still toked
This is much more temporary than that permanent-withdrawal of the chronic habit.
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#79

Postby Ade,wales » Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:58 am

I think you're right Furtive. Even after 8 months I still feel like that. Just hope it's not much longer

Sorry G, it's all different for each individual so hopefully it won't be this long for you. I smoked shitloads for many years
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#80

Postby Ade,wales » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:03 am

It's seems to me you have a good idea wot u want, wot you're going through, wots happening and where you're going. Much more than I did after a month. I didn't know wot I was up to. And looking back it was like I had started taking another drug I was so out of control for a bit.
You got this in the bag mate.
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#81

Postby gsaint28 » Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:31 pm

Day 31

Thanks for shedding light on my situation, Furtive and Ade,wales. It helps knowing that this is to be expected and that it will lessen with time. It's having the support of people who know what I'm going through that gets me through the shittiest times of the journey to recovering.

On to today's update.

Weed Cravings: 0.5/10 - In the times when I feel low, and like I don't know how to feel happy, sometimes I think of weed. It's like my brain is thinking of ways to get out of this hole it's in. Can definitely feel the damage that smoking weed all these years has left.

PAWS Effect: 6.5/10 - Not feeling horrible. Not feeling great. Just kind of whatever, neutral, indifferent.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, easily stressed, irritable,

Dreams of Weed: I vaguely remember smoking weed in my dream last night. I don't remember any weed, smoking it, or any weed related objects. All I remember is having the choice to smoke weed or not, and ultimately choosing to do it. The situation reminded me of prior situations I've been in before, in real life. I'd quit for 2-3 weeks, my best being 4 months, and then one day succumbing to the temptation and the weak excuses that get me to smoke. What I do remember from the dream was the thoughts and feelings that went something like "welp, I guess I'm smoking this, damn. I know that I don't want to do this, but man, I just want to get high. Is that so bad?" and then having this immediate regret knowing that yes the high is fine, it's not the worst thing in the world...but it wasn't worth being able to say I said no and that I could continue my progress of quitting.

I even thought of the idea of having to restart my count from Day 31 to Day 1. Man, I don't think I could do that to myself again. I don't think I could admit to everyone here following my journey that I slipped up. Not after everything I've said and posted.

It really takes a strong mindset and clear reason why quitting is THE choice for me, to be able to get through the rough times and to say no to weed.

*takes deep breath*

One day at a time.

Peace yall, and thanks for the support.

:)
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#82

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Sep 29, 2015 2:20 am

Day 32!

Although it is day 32 of this journey, I'd like to pretend as if it were back to Day 1 and remind myself that this transformation requires dedication, discipline, patience, and mental strength. Whether it's quitting weed, weight-loss, or starting a business, the frustration of any transformation journey is not seeing results after a week, two weeks, a month, etc. The first couple days are usually the most motivating, the second week is less motivating, and the downward trend continues until ultimately we give up. So in today's post I am going to evaluate my progress thus far, give myself a pep talk to remind myself why I have decided to quit weed, and prepare myself for the obstacles that lie ahead of me.

Progress thus far: It's really liberating not having to go through the many weed rituals anymore. I no longer have to hide my weed from family members. I no longer have to lie about where I'm going and what I'm doing when it comes to weed sessions. I no longer feel like I HAVE to smoke weed on a given day as part of my daily routine. I no longer have to spend money on weed. I no longer have to think about having to one day quit. I no longer have to text people to buy weed. I no longer have to decide between having to smoke weed or hang out with my girlfriend. I no longer have to have arguments with my girlfriend about weed. I no longer have to feel guilty for smoking weed. I no longer have to worry about running out of weed and wondering how I'm going to get more. I no longer have to worry about not having enough money for weed. I no longer feel like I am seeking out certain people just so I can feel comfortable satisfying my need to smoke copious amounts of weed for no reason. I no longer have to associate myself with the weed culture and the negative connotations of weed. In short, none of the negative things about smoking weed effect me anymore. What's left to deal with is the PAWS and the readjusting of my body and mind to not just being without weed but being 100% without weed. And, of course, not seeking another object of addiction to act as a crutch.

Pep talk to remind myself why I quit: I think the ultimate reason for quitting has to be that I don't want to be an advocate for weed anymore. I don't want to promote weed as something that enhances my life. I feel that as time has passed, a lot of my ambition and sharp-mindedness has numbed out. I do not enjoy that aspect about weed at all. Maybe it's not weed, but it is certainly the combination of me and weed that has got me to where I am. It is 100000% clear that weed is not something that HELPS me achieve my goals - unless that goal is to be high. Never has smoking weed helped me get better grades, study harder, be more focused, feel more prepared for life, etc. It helped me feel calm in times when I felt stressed, but just like any drug, it was just a quick fix to a much deeper problem. I am so tempted to just stop drinking alcohol and doing any drugs altogether. I just don't think I need it. I don't WANT to need it. I just don't want to be a part of that anymore. I want to be known for other things. I just want to be respected for who I am and what I choose to do. When I drink and smoke, it's not OTHER people that are being effected by that decision (of course unless I act dumb and hurt someone physically or emotionally). On the other hand, I am ALWAYS at risk of hurting myself by consuming that stuff. Whether it's short-term or long-term. It only takes one stupid decision to ruin everything. Imagine if alcohol was illegal like weed. Why the **** would I even drink that sh**. I don't want to feel the need to lose touch with reality anymore man. I want to enjoy that sh**. I want to learn how to deal with life with nothing by my body and mind. I'm tired of feeling the need to run away, to escape. I want to face that sh** head on, plow through all the walls, and be on the side of life that all of us dream of being on. The side of life where we overcome challenges, where we strive through adversity, where we handle the tough times, where we achieve goals after 10000s of failures, where people want to go but are too afraid to try - the place where you live your potential.

Preparing for the obstacles ahead: I think that the main obstacle I have to face is myself. Duh, that's obvious. I KNOW the main obstacle is myself. And by myself I mean my self-defeating thoughts, my anxious and fearful feelings, and the core belief that I can't succeed at a high level. In short, my self-confidence and self-worth. Those are the obstacles I have to face. Oh, and of course, PAWS. I think what's important right now is to list more proactive goals to apply myself toward besides quitting weed. Quitting weed is easy for me now, it's not the weed I need anymore. It's ME I need, and it's PAWS that obstructs that from always being a thing. I will set goals, I have a few in mind already, and the main battle is having to face my own demons and the demon that is PAWS.

PAWS will go away one day, with time, my inner demons may never go away, and I'll always have to be willing to fight them.

I will continue to post everyday on this forum. It has become a part of my daily routine. I wouldn't be surprised if the posts become less and less about weed and PAWS and more about how the other areas of my life are going. I'll try my best to keep them shorter and well written - and to include relevant information as opposed to endless ranting and venting and chatting.

Thank you to everyone who continues to show their written support, and also to the people that view this thread. Whether you're following my progress daily, reading for your first time, or waiting to see if I've failed yet - it inspires me to see that view count go up. I KNOW that people are reading along. I KNOW this.

If you're reading this right now, then damn, you must be really inspired by me. Or at the very least, interested in my journey. If you are reading this because you are looking for inspiration to quit weed, you can do it. If you're like me, and have dreams and goals, but know that weed will not be a positive factor in that pursuit, then join me and stop smoking weed. You know, deep down, that weed is not for you. And you know, deep down, that you can do so much better if you just stopped giving weed so much attention and focus. I believe in me and I believe in you.

Peace yall 8)
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#83

Postby Wave » Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:22 pm

Great post. I think I realised too that there will never be a golden moment where this all goes away, it had got so much easier but I will always have to be mindful when I next encounter weed and we all must remind ourselves it is not needed any more!!

I enjoy reading your posts, I can tell you are making progress but with weed that progress is slow. Though you are bang on the money that weed with never help towards any life goals that are productive!
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#84

Postby Ade,wales » Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:33 pm

Ye mate it's a slow process. But you already done a month. That's A MONTH. one day probably seemed unlikely to go without before. And you just done a month!

Well done

Before you know it be 3 months, then 6 months. Then you can start thinking about one year.
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#85

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Sep 30, 2015 5:43 am

Day 33!

'Preciate the support Wave and Ade,wales! Recovering is a slow process indeed.

Back to the normal updates.

Weed Cravings: 0.5/10 - today my cousin asked me if I was still not smoking, to which I replied "yeah." The conversation didn't go anywhere after that. We simply switched topics. But it's times like that, where smoking is used as a medium for bonding (I suppose), that I wish I could still accept the invitation. HOWEVER, we still hung out for a solid 3-4 hours today, and were able to bond over other things and I didn't need the weed to initiate that. So that's a good thing!

PAWS Effect: Had a minor headache for half the day today. I suspect it might be because I was dehydrated. I also felt really tired this morning. I slept in until nearly 12pm. I just didn't feel the urge to get out of bed. Not sure what that's about.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, headaches

Yesterday's post was quite a long one haha. I'll keep today's short.

Until tomorrow.

Peace! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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#86

Postby bakednomore » Wed Sep 30, 2015 11:21 am

Hi gsaint

Always good to read your posts and 'self talks' I'm on day 30 myself so am at a similar point.
I also in the process of setting myself some goals and looking for ways to better my life. I am no longer content with the life I had created for myself and want change. Now I can't just smoke myself into a false sense if security
. I actually want to create a life which brings me pleasure and makes me happy, rather than having a dull life and trying to capture those feelings of content through blazing.
Still early doors and the PAWS will be a constant battle for the time being but with other focuses in life the weed has just become a thing of the past and I no longer have cravings.

Love your style of posts man and seeing how you are progressing. Keep them coming
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#87

Postby Sina » Wed Sep 30, 2015 3:35 pm

Hi gsaint, Yes, I have been reading your posts since I joined this place this afternoon. I've been looking for inspiration to keep going! I'm on day 2! I've been a toker since I was about 25, I'm 41 now. Like you I used to be an advocate but now I think I see it for what it is. I felt so full of cracks before (shitty childhood) and weed seemed to be the only thing that filled them. When I was handed my first J, I had about 4 puffs, went to the loo, on my way I glanced into my bedroom and saw my bed and couldnt resist going for a lie down. next thing I knew, it was morning! I had never ever in my entire life been able to go to sleep and not lay awake for hours. I fell in love. during the 16 years, Ive smoked pretty much constantly, only quitting for 4 years when I lost my car and had to move into a town where I didnt know anyone. That was three years ago. I'm in a ldr with a wonderful man, he knows I toke but not how much, I think he would be disgusted if he new but no matter what, I couldnt stop. Not addictive? Pfft!
Anyway, today, im feeling amazing that I went a whole day yesterday (I quit on sunday night) but it was sooo hard and I was explosive, still am really, Im trying to just not do anything that may set me off. I didnt have these problems before. But I've had a really sore head since last night, I'm hot n cold, sweaty with no appetite and I feel really sick, it comes in waves. I'm also really sleepy and thinking about a nap in 5.
You're on day 33 and still having withdrawal....that's disheartening me. I dont wanna feel like this for another 30 days.
Congratulations and well done to you for stopping.
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#88

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Oct 01, 2015 5:14 am

Day 34

What up bakednomore and sina! I'll be sure to post on your thread bakednomore. Sina, good luck on your journey! I might even PM you just for a little extra support.

On to today's update:

Weed Cravings: 1/10 - today was by far the most temptation I've had in a while. It's because I spent the whole day with my cousin who loves smoking weed. He smoked probably 2-3 blunts today, in my presence. More on that later.

PAWS Effect: 6/10 - A couple moments today where I felt completely introverted and low energy. Idk if that's normal, but it didn't feel right. I didn't want to be around anybody, I just wanted to be alone. I also just feel a little off...Idk if it's self-consciousness or low self-esteem, but I just don't feel right.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, low energy, low self-esteem, slight anxiety

Who am I without weed?: That question encapsulates what I believe to be the biggest psychological problem I have ever since I quit. Who the **** am I? What do I do? What do I stand for? What am I about? I would literally answer those question based on the fact that I smoke weed, but I don't smoke weed anymore. It's like weed was the main component to how I'd express myself.

What did weed say about me?
-I'm chill
-I'm cool
-I'm laid back
-I'm not stuck up
-I like to party
-I have a dope personality
-I like to laugh and have fun
-I like to goof around
-I'm not all about the rules
-I'm a cool guy
-I know how to have fun
-I'm about being kind and loving and patient
-Peace and love
-The Universe is much bigger than me
-There is so much more to life than just what we can see and what they tell us
-I'm open minded

To be frank...I know that weed doesn't supply these traits or beliefs in me...but I do feel that deliberately choosing not to smoke is denying those parts of me to express itself. And I know that sounds so dumb, but it does feel like I'm restricting a part of myself from coming out on purpose. And worse, it feels like I don't know how to be all those things unless I at least admit to myself that weed isn't a f***ing bad thing and that one day I'd HONESTLY be down to smoke it. Admit that weed isn't the f***ing devil and that it's not the core issue to my life's problems.

I'll say it again, it's not weed that got here, it's the person that smoked the weed...

That said, I am staying true to my word and going a whole year without smoking. I owe myself that much. I want so desperately to prove to myself that I don't need weed to feel that I am all those things I listed. It is not weed that makes me those things...it's something else.

I feel like i'm on to something.

Anyways. To all those that are thinking of quitting, or are quitting, keep doing your thing. I am 100% going to continue and make it a full year without smoking. I want to better myself. I am growing. I need to get my life back to where it should be. Being sober should be my primary state of being - my default state. And mind altering substances should be a temporary thing. Not the other way around. If ANYTHING at all, THAT is what I am doing this for. I want to love my sober state more than my high state. If I could be higher in my sober state than in a stoned out state, than damn, that'd be even better.

We shall see!

Peace yall
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#89

Postby Carl » Thu Oct 01, 2015 5:26 pm

gsaint28, your doing well. the moment you made the decision, you started taking your life onto a whole new path. Sometimes we fall off the track, it doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with the engine, justmeans, we need to get back on and continue riding. Fill your mental account with as much inspirational, motivational and transformational speeches as possible. Surround yourself with things you love other than weed ;) . Then look into the methods which Tony Robbins talks about i regards to changing habbits, they are free on youtube, also there is a TED TALK on youtube, i don't know if you have seen it, by Graham Hancock (very powerful stuff) I use to smoke a lot and there is so many mixed opinions on it, it can really make us feel dilluded.

Whenever we make a decision or create a belief we need to support it if we are to stick with it, so all the things i have mentioned are just some of the materials i believe can help you i your movement.

Take care brother
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