One Year Journey - began 8.28.15 - all support welcome :)

#90

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Oct 01, 2015 6:41 pm

Carl wrote:gsaint28, your doing well. the moment you made the decision, you started taking your life onto a whole new path. Sometimes we fall off the track, it doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with the engine, justmeans, we need to get back on and continue riding. Fill your mental account with as much inspirational, motivational and transformational speeches as possible. Surround yourself with things you love other than weed ;) . Then look into the methods which Tony Robbins talks about i regards to changing habbits, they are free on youtube, also there is a TED TALK on youtube, i don't know if you have seen it, by Graham Hancock (very powerful stuff) I use to smoke a lot and there is so many mixed opinions on it, it can really make us feel dilluded.

Whenever we make a decision or create a belief we need to support it if we are to stick with it, so all the things i have mentioned are just some of the materials i believe can help you i your movement.

Take care brother


Carl, I appreciate your words of support. The resources you provided are ones that I've frequently used myself. Tony Robbins has been a huge resource for me for the last 5-6 years. I also watched Graham Hancock's Ted Talk and his interview with Joe Rogan. Habits are a tricky thing that's for sure. I read this book called the Power of Habit a while back, which has very much helped me understand how habits (and thus addictions) work. I will watch Graham's talk again, as he is a very smart man and even he supported weed and smoked it for what, 28 years?, and even he found the inspiration to say "hey, this may be something I've enjoyed, and it may have helped me before, but it no longer serves me." Thanks again for the reminders, I really REALLY needed it.
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#91

Postby Sina » Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:00 pm

Hello gsaint, thanks for the message, I appreciate it. I tried to reply but I'm not allowed. I have also tried to post but apparently my writings are too "spamy" it's rather frustrating.
Today, I feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum! I say "a" what I mean is, I've been having a temper tantrum all day! I cant control myself at all. I slept it off for three hours, woke up, did some more ranting, throwing things around and then took myself off for a really fast 2 hour walk. Seems to have helped a bit.
I've not managed to eat anything for two days either.
I will never touch the stuff again. I never want to go through this ever again. Ever.
I might go check out some Tony Robbins myself.
Thanks again for giving a hoot.
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#92

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:15 pm

Sina wrote:Hello gsaint, thanks for the message, I appreciate it. I tried to reply but I'm not allowed. I have also tried to post but apparently my writings are too "spamy" it's rather frustrating.
Today, I feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum! I say "a" what I mean is, I've been having a temper tantrum all day! I cant control myself at all. I slept it off for three hours, woke up, did some more ranting, throwing things around and then took myself off for a really fast 2 hour walk. Seems to have helped a bit.
I've not managed to eat anything for two days either.
I will never touch the stuff again. I never want to go through this ever again. Ever.
I might go check out some Tony Robbins myself.
Thanks again for giving a hoot.


No worries, Sina. Regardless of how you're doing, temper tantrums and all, I know that I always appreciated when people asked how I was doing and showed interest in my situation.

I can totally relate to the feelings youre having with the temper tantrums. Are these tantrums occurring as a result of not being able to smoke? If so, it's like the body and mind are not getting it's favorite toy or favorite food that it's used to getting. haha, it can make us feel quite childish can't it.
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#93

Postby Sina » Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:37 pm

Hey,

Yes, I think it is, although I also have PMDD and its the tale end of that too. Probably not the best time to choose to quit but I've been (provisionally) accepted for a job and need to have a drugs test done, I was already a week late in stopping....I've two weeks to try and clear my system, otherwise bye bye job offer.
But yes, I'm behaving like an overgrown child. Maybe I ought to be spanked like one! :roll: ha ha ha
Are you in the States? or am I not allowed to ask that?
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#94

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Oct 02, 2015 1:41 am

Sina, yes I am from the States.

Day 35! That's 5 weeks! :D

Weed Cravings: 0.5/10 - I wouldn't call it a craving as so much as a nostalgic recollection of the good experiences I've had on weed.

PAWS Effect: 6/10 - I have a poor self-image. I don't think this is a PAWS issue. I don't know what is going on, lol.

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, poor memory, slow learning retention, slight anxiety, introverted tendencies

Regaining balance: I believe that PAWS is a result of the body and mind being unbalanced through chronic weed consumption. It is NOT cool to realize that my body and mind are extremely off balance as a result of smoking so much weed. It is even less cool to think that I was relying on weed to maintain a weed-dependent balance. I was more accustomed to being high than I was being sober. Ugh, sober has such a lame connotation to it. A new purpose for staying on this quit journey is to regain balance. I may only be 35 days off of weed, yet that is not enough to counterbalance the 5 years of smoking every day (for the most part). I must regain balance.

A word to those quitting: Ask yourself this question: Is weed helping you or is it hurting you? Or rather, are you helping yourself by smoking weed or are you hurting yourself. Try and look at the bigger picture. Smoking weed everyday has its consequences. Weed isn't all holy. It is not all positives. It is not like water or oxygen. I believe part of the delusion that surrounds weed is to think that it is all bad or all good. Be educated on both sides of the coin. Learn it for what it truly is, and then be honest about how you use it.

Thank you to my supporters: Whether you drop in regularly or post a single comment, it makes a difference in my journey. I don't know any of you personally, yet your support is the most impactful. You guys know what I'm going through. You guys understand the struggle. Thank you so much for being a part of this. Your guys' support is a ripple effect on me and my life and how my life effects others. We are all helping each other in this world. Spiritual, philosophical, hippie-like, I know. Thank you guys so much. I mean that sincerest and corniest way possible. It helps knowing that I have somewhat of a support team rooting for me.

Peace 8)
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#95

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Oct 02, 2015 11:48 pm

Day 36

Am going to keep it short and informal.

Today and yesterday were really poopy.

I'm feeling tired and exhausted from what feels like...a not knowing of what the hell is wrong with me.

I feel my mind is scattered all over the place.

I can't make accurate sense of the feelings I have.

I feel very much like I am not here. I feel like the me that I know is me is unknown to me now.

And the worst part is that I feel like nobody I know personally understands and can help me feel comforted or supported.

I feel like I am hiding my PAWS from people I know. Just as I was hiding my weed from people I know when I did smoke.

I'm tired of pretending to feel great when I actually feel numb and discouraged.

I'm tired of blaming PAWS for not feeling great. I feel like it's a cop out. I feel, to a certain extent, that I've even made PAWS up as a reason for why I can't pick myself up.

I feel like I need to let go of something. I feel like I'm supressing something. I feel like I'm still hiding something or ashamed of something or guilty of something.

I can't make f***ing SENSE of it.
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#96

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 8:30 pm

Day 37

Weed Craving: 0/10

PAWS Effect: 5/10

PAWS Symptoms: haziness, slow thinking, slight anxiety, slight paranoia

Where I want to be: I want to be a way more easy going person in my day to day. I want to be more open minded about other people's opinions and at the same time stay true to my own. I don't want to judge people or feel awkward when they mention weed or partying or doing drugs. I don't want to feel like I'm missing out by not doing drugs and I don't want to think they are hurting themselves by doing drugs. I'm just tired of feeling judgmental towards others and judgmental towards myself. It's not fun and it doesn't help me enjoy other people's presence. I just want to be happy and vibe with people. I don't want to have super heavy conversations and stuff. I want to feel like I am lifting other people's spirits by my energy. Being non-judgmental.

That's all for today.

Peace
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#97

Postby gsaint28 » Mon Oct 05, 2015 2:34 am

Day 38

This is just a PSA for anyone that is struggling with their identity change as a result of quitting weed. It's tough. It's tough to stop using a drug that most likely helped us become a better person at some point. It's hard to say that something we've done for YEARS is something that we don't find joy in anymore. It's tough to see people use weed and reap its benefits while we have to know ourselves and say, "I'm happy it brings you joy but it does not bring me joy anymore." It's tough. It's tough to see weed be a benefit to others. It's really, really damn tough. It's tough not being a part of the smoke sesh anymore. It's tough not being a part of that group. It's like, hey man, I want to smoke too. And they're like, why don't you just join us? And it feels silly as all F*ck to say something like, "oh, because I smoked weed for X years of my life and it turned into a self-harming addiction and I finally got myself to stop using and going back to smoking it would just cause me so much grief." and they just don't understand and say "pft, it's just weed breh, I LOVE me some weed." And you're just kind of left there...a recovered weed addict, not experiencing the same relationship with weed as those that smoke it. And it makes you want to smoke again. It makes you want to just experience what theyre experiencing. And then you remember, oh wait, smoking weed doesn't make me feel like that anymore. And that's all there is to it. It's like outgrowing a binky in a sense. Or not needing something to make you feel a certain way anymore.

The toughest part about this whole damn thing is accepting the fact that weed doesn't make us feel good anymore. It's hard as hell to accept that, especially when it helps so many other people.

It seems so silly to make SUCH a big deal out of weed. It really does. Like, REALLY man, weed is that much of a thing for you? You care about it THAT much? It affects you THAT much. Yes man, haha, it really does.

It is kind of like saying goodbye to an old friend. A friend that you've outgrown and can no longer take with you because it's just time to let go.

I don't know if you guys can relate to this metaphor, but it really does feel like I am letting go of an object that makes me feel safer and better about myself. I can no longer hold the hand of weed and say "please help me feel better, I am having a hard day, a hard life, please give me the comfort that I am looking for, the support, please I need you."

I am ready to move on and face the world without the support of weed.
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#98

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Oct 06, 2015 4:31 am

Day 39

Things are going well :)
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#99

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Oct 07, 2015 5:21 am

Day 40.

I smoked a hit off a blunt today. I am happy I made that decision too. The reason I am happy with that decision is because I now know that weed isn't the core issue I am dealing with. It's not the act of smoking weed that has me f***ed up. It's my low self-esteem and my poor self-image, and just my confidence as a whole is sh**. I would use weed as a coping mechanism for a much deeper issue. I think that was apparent to me before, but I was focusing more on abstaining from weed as a form of healing the deeper issue. However, I will continue my journey of being off of weed despite this hick up. I am not interested in going back to the lifestyle I had when I was smoking weed all the time. As that is still not conducive to the healing of my inner confidence.

Thank you all for your support. If there is any lesson from my experience that you can learn from today, it is that we must not be afraid to face our demons. And we must hold ourselves accountable for every decision we make. Yes, other people may agree or disagree with your personal life decision. Ultimately, though, we must make decisions for ourselves and how we want to go about things.

I was afraid of telling you all that I smoked, especially going 39 days solid and giving off a confident vibe that I would easily go one year without smoking. But, I literally don't know any of you, and I am not threatened by yalls opinions. This also means that I should not be afraid of the opinions of other people on this matter. They may love me, and yes their opinions will effect me the most, BUT the person's opinion that matters MOST in the end is mine.

What do I think of myself after having smoked? Do I hate myself? Judge? Shame?

Cause if I a do not hate myself, then nobody else's hatred could bring me down. Only when I hate myself do I feel hated on. And if I feel hated on when somebody hates on me, then that is because I believed what they had to say was true.

This may not make sense to you guys. But it makes sense to me.

Again, thanks for the support.
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#100

Postby Actualizing intent » Wed Oct 07, 2015 1:32 pm

I admire you and love the wisdom you share! It is all part of the journey - having that one slip up probably reinforced why you want to quit. no shame at all! You are way ahead of me in this game.
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#101

Postby gsaint28 » Thu Oct 08, 2015 7:59 am

Day 41.

I haven't fully absorbed yesterday's events. But when I do, I'll be sure to come back with good insights. Until then.

Peace
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#102

Postby gsaint28 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 5:44 am

Day 42

I downloaded a couple books on codependency and addiction. Hopefully those two books will shed insight as to what the core issue is with my psyche. I am going to focus on the core issue rather than the surface issue. Don't know if this forum is still a good place for that journey, but I'll continue nonetheless.

For what it's worth, I did not smoke yesterday or today. I am learning that smoking weed makes me feel good, yes, and it does temporarily take away the uneasiness and the anxious thoughts and feelings and strain in my body, but it is only temporary. And not to mention it makes me really tired and unfocused during the come down. But yea.

Appreciate the support, Actualizing Intent.

Peace
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#103

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Oct 10, 2015 4:30 am

Day 43

Nobody's perfect. I would have been very happy if I had made it a full year without smoking. However, I will not let one hit of weed allow me to feel like I have failed. Was it a moment of weakness? It really depends on what perspective you look at it. I am not interested in beating myself up over it though.

Why did I do it? At the time, I didn't think it would be a big deal. And if we're being honest, it just hasn't been all that fun being "me" lately. I wanted to experience a different set of emotions, thoughts, and perspective. You can call that escaping my world. You can call it altering my state of consciousness. You can call it being impatient with PAWS and wanting to feel healed. You can call it denial of an addiction. I couldn't tell you with confidence what it was.

One of the troubles I am having with quitting is accepting that staying away from weed is 100% required for my healing. It's also difficult to admit that I even have a problem...Because then that means that I've f***ed up. It also means that I've been hurting myself. It sure doesn't feel like hurting myself when being high feels good. It feels like I am helping myself. Which is why smoking weed now still feels like it's helping me.

I feel it is much more than just a "bad habit" that I am dealing with here. What I can't tell is if the weed smoking caused the deep issue, or if the deep issue caused the weed smoking.

I just wish I didn't have to give up weed as a result. I wish it was something I could still enjoy with myself and with others. Idk...a part of me knows that what I just said has red flags in it.

Anybody have any insights based on what I just wrote?
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#104

Postby gsaint28 » Sat Oct 10, 2015 8:42 am

Is it really true that I have a WEED problem? What does that even mean?

Nobody ever told me about any potential problems weed could give me. All I heard were the benefits.

What's protocol if somebody becomes psychologically addicted? What does that say about them?

I am addicted to WEED. That sounds so weak. It's not opiates, or alcohol, or gambling.

WEED.

The thing that makes people super happy. The thing that a whole culture is based off of. A thing that is glorified by millions of people. A thing that my friends do. My family members do. That thing?

What is it about ME that can't do it like they do it?

Why can't I just enjoy it like other people who don't have a problem do it?

Celebrities do it. Athletes do it. Teachers do it. Students do it. Politicians do it. Mothers, fathers, daughters do it.

Why can't I?

If I heal for a year or two, where I am happy being me again, will I then be able to enjoy weed like everyone else does?

I don't want to be left out of the fun...

I don't want to sit out on the sidelines while everyone else bonds over it.

I want to be a part of the group.

Well, if I'm not a part of the group, I don't want to feel like an outsider...and I don't want to judge anyone that IS a part of the group just because I choose not to be in it.

Is there a way for me to be IN the group but not be a part of all of that?

What does it say about me if I don't smoke weed? Are there right-minded, open-minded, chill people that don't smoke? That don't do shrooms (another topic)?

What's their reasoning? "I don't like weed?", "weed doesn't help me?"

What about the fact that I smoked weed for 5 years? And then all of a sudden I don't smoke it anymore?

What does that say, then? Am I too good for weed? Am I too good for the people who still smoke weed?

Who am I without weed? Am I an ex-stoner? A recovering stoner? What the hell does that even mean?

What am I after being a stoner? Do I go back to being the goodie-goodie, square boy that did everything by the rules? Am I allowed to do ANYTHING related to drugs and partying anymore? What are my boundaries?

Do I HAVE to accept that this all happened? And is a part of my past? Am I allowed to just move on and pretend it never happened?

Do I have to admit that I had a problem with WEED?

I can already hear the stoner nation shout at me, "SERIOUSLY BRO? NOBODY CAN HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WEED, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE"

Well, sh** man...then what the hell am I going through right now?

I'm not gonna lie man...when I told my cousin that I was going to smoke some of that blunt with him the other day, I felt a switch turn on. All of a sudden my entire focus was on that blunt being rolled up and me getting a hit of it. I didn't care at all about what he was talking about while he was rolling it. All I wanted was for that damn thing to be finished, for us to light it, and for me to finally FEEL it. I was literally HUNGRY for it. I heard this inner voice that's been laying dormant for a while.

I feel embarrassed that I have this issue with weed, particularly when the world seems to not have it. I feel like that makes me weak.

I don't want to admit that I have a problem with weed. How do I explain that to someone who doesn't have a problem with weed? How do I explain that in a way that doesn't give weed a bad name? How do I explain that in a way that makes me feel good about myself?

How do I admit that I enjoy the high but equally admit that I enjoy it too much to the point of addiction?
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