I don't know whats wrong with me

Postby adnbrazil » Tue Oct 06, 2015 9:53 pm

Hi folks.

This is my first post. I'm brazilian, 29, male.

I've been having, since I can remember, a problem with relationships and rejections, more precisely when I've been with someone for a long time and they doesnt grow any real feelings for me. I never got past the first time it happened, and every time it happens I carry that feeling and that person on my mind forever. Had one at 2004, one at 2007, and now, 2015, it happened again. Same story.

1- With been together exclusively dating each other for months.
2- I start falling in love for the girl.
3- She says it's only physical and doesn't feel the same.
4- I can't deal with it, I try to play it cool so she doesnt go away or get scared, hoping someday she'll feel the same way.
5- She goes away, finds someone else and I just can watch.

I think I never had a day where I didn't felt rejected, even when I was commited, even on a 5 year relationship, I still had those feelings for the previous heart breaks.

This time, the girl felt nothing emotionally, met a guy after me and now she moved in with him.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't rest.

I really need some help and advice. I'm so exhausted of hearing "thats normal", "that happens". Something is wrong with me.

Thanks for your time.
adn
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:35 am

What do you do for a living, what is your career? What are your plans for your future, professionally speaking?
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#2

Postby adnbrazil » Wed Oct 07, 2015 1:38 am

Hi. Im a designer/musician, I have a pretty solid and stable career, work at the state university and with some government sectors. Also produce musical content to a big brazilian channel on Youtube, and some minor audio jobs. Got a car, recently bought my first apartment(will only be delivered on 2017). My future plans are much focused on being able to handle they payments of my house and trying to find a partner for life.

Professionally speaking, I hope to get some spare time to improve my skills, probably focusing on music production.

Thanks for your reply.
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#3

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:27 pm

Okay, so you need to find out why you have this pattern in your life. You want to know whether it's something you are doing during the dating period that turns women off you, or whether you have a habit of picking the wrong women.

Do you have any good female friends that you've never dated? Ones that you can trust to be brutally honest with you, if necessary? Are you in a place to be able to listen to what feedback they give you, without it making you feel resentful about them? Truly?

If so, I'd suggest that's your way to go, as a starting step, anyway.

Without knowing you & your relationship dynamics, it's really hard to give correct advice.
For me, personally, a guy becomes friend value over boyfriend value, when he is too nice without me doing much. I think this works both ways.
Both parties need to be putting equal deposits into the relationship (equal amount of effort). If one party is the only one who's really giving their effort into the relationship, it tends to say that they don't value themselves as a partner. Without meaning it to, that can tell the other person that they've chosen someone who is happy to be taken for granted. Not sexy! If they don't value themselves, then why would anyone else value them?
I suppose it's human nature to think that it's too good to be true.

Give freely, when you feel that the other person is giving equally. That means in all ways. I don't mean financially. If you see someone is valuing you & not taking you for granted, then by all means, give them 100% in return, but if they're not quite as 'in it' as you are, then you need to back off a little, to let them come forwards. It lets them know that you're not going to just blindly participate in giving yourself, however they treat you. They should be giving themselves in return (be it physically, emotionally etc) & that keeps the balance in the relationship.
Otherwise, you run the risk of being that lovely guy who is, '... just like a puppy! He's loyal, loving & always happy if I just turn up & be there. He's a 'friend', but not someone I could see myself dating.'

There's likely nothing wrong with you. It's more likely you over compensating because you don't feel worthy enough for the women you are with.

I think you're probably the sort of guy I would love as a partner, but psychology tends to say that in order to sustain an attraction, there needs to be a little give & take.
Don't stop being generous or giving, if that is what you tend to do. Just ensure you give to the right women, & for the right reasons.

Jess
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#4

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:39 pm

When someone tells you that you're not someone they want to be with long-term, & that they're going to look elsewhere, why do you hang around, hoping they'll change their mind? That is the point at which you show them that you will not be anyone's second choice!
You can remain friendly, but do not let anyone see you as someone who will hang around, waiting for them, should things not turn out the way they'd hoped, & they don't meet anyone 'better'.
I think you have some self-esteem issues that need working through. Have you considered doing that?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Oct 07, 2015 1:35 pm

jessicapuppy wrote: You want to know whether it's something you are doing during the dating period that turns women off you, or whether you have a habit of picking the wrong women.


I agree with Jess.

From your initial post I had the feeling it might be a situation where you are physically attractive, but women don't see a future with you due to lack of ambition, etc.

Regardless, you need to cut to the chase and find out why women don't want to stick around. Like Jess stated, you need to find someone to be honest with you.
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#6

Postby adnbrazil » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:26 pm

jessicapuppy, thank you so so much for your reply.

I feel like you really got it. I usually lose control of how much i should "give", like attention, caring, time, giving too much too soon. I asked for advice from those female friends, they told me there was nothing wrong with me but sometimes i needed to back off.

I get really scared of doing it. It gets to a point where I feel that if I do, they'll simply go away, they won't seek me back. And about that I hear: "So let them go". I can't. I don't know how to disengage. I know I have problems with letting people go, and sometimes I can be seen as "the other option", but i don't know how to act like im cool with the situation. For example:

'On this last relationship, from the start she told me she didnt wanted a long term thing, then I said ok, bcos at that point I felt the same. Not about her, in general. Two months passed and I thought I was playing it cool, casual, then she tried to end it saying that I was getting too envolved. I think that was the point where I lost it. I used to get really sad when she took hours to answer, or when we talked the replies were minimal. That time I realized I was thinking about her every second. So I thought: "Ok, I'm in love, she's not. What now?" I still wanted to be with her so everytime she said I was getting too envolved I had to spend time convincing her, and those talks were wearing out our relationship, she said that herself. It wasn't the casual she liked anymore.

On July, things got a little better, she spend my birthday with me, just me and her, and we met another weekend after that. I thought like: "ok, it's finally working out. i got it." Then nope. She backed off, and this time I let her go. Running after never worked before.

We didn't talk for a month. The moment I stopped messaging here, she did too. I thought that it was gone forever. And that depressed me like unimaginably, to be disposed like that by someone I did my best. I reached her after that, I couldn't take it anymore. I did not try anything about us, just as a friend. That was prolly a dumb move.

Then I discovered she was still with the guy she met after me, and obviously, if she didnt reached for me all this time, that was being better for her. The current situation is: we only talk if i do.'

Maybe im obsessed to "prove" that I can make someone like her like me, as in with the other two before her.
I guess need to learn that sometimes it doesn't work no matter what I do and move on.

Sorry I wrote too much, but it felt really really good being replied by you two. I sincerely had no hopes of compassion and empathy on the internet thesedays, but I felt so hopeless I needed to give a try.

Thanks again, from my heart.
adn
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#7

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:38 pm

No, you didn't write too much. What you have written gives some good information as to what may be going on in your life.

You are placing your worth in the hands of others. If they do not want you, then you have to prove that you are loveable & a good option. Many times, this comes from the relationship we had with our primary care giver(s).
Were your parents both present during your childhood?
Did you feel that you had to earn your parents' attention/affection?
What was the dynamic like between you & your parents? How did you interact each day?

I think I understood your situation, because I was once very much the same as you, in terms of this behaviour. With all people, not just love interests.

I think you could find it useful to read about Co-Dependency, as that 'may' sound familiar to you. Can't hurt to have a read, anyway. I'll post some links if I find some good ones for you.

Jess
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#8

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:47 pm

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#9

Postby adnbrazil » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:54 pm

Well, I guess they were.
I had some trouble with letting them into my life. I was always really closed about feelings and what was going on in my life with them. I just told them the main stuff, like facts, nothing casual. I didn't actually miss opening up to them, that was ok to me at that time.

My mother used to ask me about everything, but I always gave short answers, sometimes angry ones like "i dont wanna talk about that". My father I think knew I was like that and never gave me hard time about that.

One thing that I can mention about our relationship is that my mother always covered my sister's mistakes and flaws, I could never say she was wrong or anything, my mother would change the subject or get pissed off. But that's the only thing.

My father passed away last year, alcoholism. But his alcoholism never mattered on us, he didn't change by drinking, he was ok, just getting weaker and weaker. After he died I got closer to my mother and sister, bcos.. I had to, right? I don't think we have any major issues, except that old one is still going.

I would really like to read about that, or anything you say I should.

Thank you for your attention.
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#10

Postby Dremiliabryant » Wed Oct 21, 2015 11:02 pm

Greetings love ! First there is nothing wrong with you. I want to ask you have you ever gave your self time or healed from your past relationships or past things in your life May i suggest that you maybe using relationships to feel the void in your life from dealing with your father and your mother stopping you from voicing i feel your mother love you i feel she saw your father in you i feel she was hurt also from the loss of your father there was protection i felt from your writing there was hurt and resentment and anger have you ever heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve we all do that some time the i would like you first to write a letter to your self meaning tell your self your sorry and then speak positive about your self in your letter and what you can do to make things better for you changing the mind set meaning what you think you will attract it's not the person its what we attract also write a letter to your father what you wanted to say and to your mother your not giving it to them you are going to write it out meaning relasing then go burn it out side your letting it go . Write things that you can read to your self positive to help you get over i feel the key is loving your self more so you then be happy so if someone wants to leave you then you will still be okay true love is out there for you it's first loving you and knowing your like 's and dislikes you can't give your all and your empty handed always be friends before lover's i hope this helps be your best do your best in small steps and healing and renewal of you is with at this time i feel if you can be friends take your time love will come blessings to you
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