Frustrated about love, can't get out of this situation

Postby EmperorDude2 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 6:17 am

This has been going on for a while now...
There is this girl who hangs out with my friends, and i am crazy for her. Last year it seemed like she was giving some signs that she could be intrested. Suddenly when i try to show her my intrest she starts avoiding me, giving me the cold replies on facebook, not looking in my face, being rude, etc.

Fast forward to today (depending on how the topic progresses i'll say more stuff that happened from then to now) i basically can't stand seeing her anymore. Every time i stumble at her in the corridor i get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that lasts for a long time. Its like anxiety all over again.
As much as i love her i decided a long time ago it wouldn't be a good idea to keep pursuing her. However the more i try to fight it the worse it gets. For many months i tried distracting myself with other activites but in the end its all being useless.

Every time i see her talking to some other guys also gives me the uncomfortable feeling, only its worse. She always looks like she is intrested in other guys, just like she seemed she was intrested in me. I can't stand the feeling that these other guys have a much better chance at having a relationship with her. Not only that, its getting hotter where i live and she is once again using her shorts/more revealing clothing... I think she is really damn hot, and i am never going to have her.

All of that mixed up makes up for a HUGE feeling of frustration. I can't see a way out of it. All of my efforts to fight this, since the beginning, have been worthless. All of my efforts to try to have a relationship with her were also pretty useless. Only to have other guys dating her without dropping a single tear or drop of sweat.
Being a 17 year old who has never kissed/dated anyone before also doesn't help with confidence. Its not like i've never tried though, but everytime i failed. In the past, even more so.

What is worse: On the past few weeks i've been feeling strong feeling of anger. Anger towards my friends, anger towards the guys she talks to, and more intensely, anger towards her.

Thoughts?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 18, 2015 12:09 pm

Stop confusing lust with love. What clothing she wears or watching her interact with other guys is lust.

You can't see a way out of it? Very easy. Shift your focus to another girl. You don't have not de-friend her on FB, but definitely adjust your settings to block her posts from showing up on your page. Don't watch her. Start talking to some other girls.
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#2

Postby EmperorDude2 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 2:30 pm

Already been trying that, and its not working the way you would expect. I end up not caring about them at all and i am not noticing any signs of recipocration either. Besides, what is the point in pursuing girls you dont give a crap about?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 18, 2015 2:44 pm

EmperorDude2 wrote:Already been trying that, and its not working the way you would expect. I end up not caring about them at all and i am not noticing any signs of recipocration either. Besides, what is the point in pursuing girls you dont give a crap about?


Oh, so there is only one girl in your entire world that is hot and wears shorts and flirts with guys where you live? Interesting. I have never been to that world, tell me where it might be so I can visit? I enjoy travel.

Look, I understand how rejection sucks. It hurts. But, the idea there are no other girls out there is just BS. There are a ton of girls out there and what you need to do is stop being so willing to commit your emotions as soon as your eyes happen to like what they see. At 17, physical attraction can be strong, but it is simply lust, not love.

When I say stop committing your emotions, I mean at 17 you need to be using a much more wide spread approach of getting to know a ton of girls. You do realize girls have friends that are other girls, right? In fact, go make some friends with some girls you don't give a crap about. You don't have to date them, you don't have to marry them, just treat them like human beings and be friendly, socialize. That in itself will help you when eventually you find a girl that you do give a crap about.

Right now you sound like you have this very black and white approach. Either the girl is the love of your life, the only one for you and you want to dive in head over heels or you prefer isolation because you don't give a crap about them. Try some middle ground, join some clubs, make friends with everyone, including the girls you don't give a crap about.
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#4

Postby laureat » Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:16 pm

1. You should have some trust in yourself when you approaching a woman
And you should also be determined to get what you want
If a woman rejects to give you a phone number you still have to be insisting to get what you want
You got to keep rotating questions and ask for the phone again and again
You do that a specially if a woman is unsure

2. But you should also respect the fact a woman may say no, and you got to surrender on that and search for a different woman
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#5

Postby EmperorDude2 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:34 pm

Too bad my situation isn't as simple as a "phone number" scenario...
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:37 pm

You are the one making it more complicated. She isn't.
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#7

Postby EmperorDude2 » Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:50 pm

Who is making it complicated is not the point. The whole point of this topic is that i can't find a way out of this frustrating situation even with all the effort i am investing. From talking to other girls, focusing my attention on other things to downright trying to avoid her... none of that is working. Every time i see her i get anxious, afraid, angry. And even more so when i see people flirting with her.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 19, 2015 12:27 am

EmperorDude2 wrote:Who is making it complicated is not the point.


It is exactly the point.

How you choose to handle this small, insignificant challenge at age 17 will have a direct impact on how you choose to handle actual, real challenges in the future. You denying any way out of this small, trivial issue by playing the role of victim will only result in following this same path when you face real problems.

You are in charge of you. You have been provided good advice by Laureat. Stop repeating the BS that you have no choice.
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#9

Postby EmperorDude2 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 12:35 am

Oh yeah, you two are really great advisors.
For months i've been getting shivers just from seeing her, can you at least give me some helpful info on how to "fix" this?
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 19, 2015 12:43 am

Thank you. I know I am great at giving advice. That's what all the "likes received" means. It doesn't mean I haven't encountered individuals such as yourself at least 1,000 times. You know, the person that says give me useful advice, but there is absolutely no solution.

You have convinced yourself you "can't get out" so I don't give a rats #ss what advice someone provides you, all you will do is close your ears and repeat, "I can't". Good luck with that. See how that works out for you in life.

You have two choices. Laureat pointed them out. There is no magic pill. Personally I endorse option 2, but hey, knock yourself out on option 1 if you like.

Edit: Option 3, continue to repeat, "I can't".
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#11

Postby quietvoice » Mon Oct 19, 2015 1:49 am

EmperorDude2 wrote:Last year it seemed like she was giving some signs that she could be intrested.

(A female a couple generations before you here.) She was probably simply being nice to you. You liked receiving her attention and so you thought her attentions meant more, way more, than her simply being nice. She realized you were/are taking it too seriously, and is "hinting" for you to lay off. Does this make sense?


EmperorDude2 wrote:Thoughts?

Exactly. Thoughts. That's what you have to look at are your thoughts, and know that you don't have to take them seriously. You don't have to believe every thought you have.

It is the nature of thoughts that they come, and they go. You can take a thought seriously, and it becomes a feeling or emotion, it becomes your reality. Thoughts and feeling are two sides of the same coin.

Or, you can notice when you're in a feeling you don't care to be in any longer (anger, for instance). Then you will know that your thinking is off, and it's time to let go.

You can't have anger without having angry thoughts. You can start to look at those thoughts, and let them go. You don't have to force them to go. Just relax and allow. When you let go of a thought, new thought will replace it.

It's simple, and it may take practice. Try it out.
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#12

Postby EmperorDude2 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 3:54 pm

That progression of thought was unexpected. Exactly what i was looking for! Thank you!

But why do relationships have to always revolve around hint language? Hint language is the most unclear/unhelpful/confusing type of language i've ever experienced in all of my relationship attempts, and i am probably not the only one who thinks that.
People who don't understand it are called "insecure" when in reality the hint language is also a form of insecurity in on itself, sacrificing clarity (the most important thing you need in a relationship) in the name of "excitement".
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:10 pm

EmperorDude2 wrote: Exactly what i was looking for!


But of course.
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#14

Postby EmperorDude2 » Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:37 pm

Can you quit mocking me for one second? Go post your half-baked advices in the depression/anxiety section to see what happens. I am sure they will love to hear something like "its all in your head" "you are the one making things complicated" "its all in your head" from you, since you are so popular around here.
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