Help appreciated

Postby jmh335 » Sun Oct 25, 2015 1:25 am

I guess that I'll start off with some background information. I first started smoking marijuana when I was a freshman in high school. It was love at first puff. From then on my friends and I made it a weekly routine to get as high as possible on the weekends. Then weekends and a few weekdays. By summer we were all smoking every day. I continued to smoke a g every couple days plus what my friends would pitch. We would also "sneak out" and get high every night because we lived within close proximity of each other. This was the peak of enjoying marijuana. At the start of sophomore year we all stated to realize that we didn't have enough money to keep up with our habit. So it began. One of my friends got fronted an ounce of marijuana from one of the local dealers. Another of my friends also started to drive this time. The daily routine had started, everyday after school we would drive around and sell marijuana while smoking around 10 blunts a day. This continued for a while until we got introduced to the bong. After taking the SATs I decided that it was time to celebrate and bought a bong. This changed everything in the long run. No longer were blunts and joints being passed around but everyone selfishly packed the bong until they ran out of weed. I wasn't the only one with a bong for long, soon everyone had one.. or 2..or 3. This takes me to senior year. Up until this point my parents actually didn't know that I smoked marijuana. Looking back this seems crazy because I smoked all day everyday. Anyway I also started to sell around this time. One day my mom showed up at school and I knew what it was right away. Not willing to deal with the consequences of being caught smoking and selling at the same time, I proceeded to get out of the car and walk a friends house who had dropped out earlier that year. Little did my mom know, I still had a few hundred in my pocket. The next few weeks I skipped school and basically got high all day without my family know where I was. I don't remember why I decided to go back home but I did. It was a relief to my family and I was now allowed to smoke in the house as long as I didn't sell. So the rest of the year went just like that, smoking bongs in my room by myself. I got to the point where I could smoke about .7 in 1 hit and not even be that high. Also took a lot of dabs during this time. Summer came and I got a job, still getting high all day because I bought a portable vaporizer. I quit about a month before college due to my dream of going to medical school. My freshman year of college started out well...... until about 2-3 weeks in when I met a girl when happened to smoke. I started smoking again and being an addict of course it had to be all day everyday. Although I consider this to be a great year in my life, smoking still messed me up a lot academically. After the 1st semester I had a 2.7 in chemical engineering. The next semester I did better due to a slight effort increase and ended with a 3.3. Averaging out to a 3.0 for the year. It could have and probably should have been worse. I continued to smoke all summer until I quit August 18.
This takes me to the purpose of this post. (sorry for the long background). I am a sophomore in chemical engineering and still have the desire to go to med school. I have been clean for 2 months and 5 days. I have mostly As right now and a few B+. This is still considered great for chemical engineering. On my last material and energy balance test I scored a 93 while the class average was a 62. I saw an old friend today while back home. It seems like he is having a great time in college and another friend apparently got a job that he is not making 60k. (I doubt this but that would happen to this lucky bastard) It feels so bad that everyone else can have a decent/good life and mine is beyond terrible. I am having 0 joy. Everyday is miserable. Even though I am going "well" I literally haven't had a "good" day since I quit. Life just reaallly sucks right now. Don't get me wrong I have had moment that last maybe 5-10 mins of joy but then it is gone and back to depression. Can someone please give me some hope that this will change? That I am doing the right thing? Any advice? I need something good to happen in my life. I have read the forum. The stories are all inspirational but yet I seem to not believe that this healing will come to me. My brain also seems to have gotten more foggy if anything and my motivation has gone down. Has this happened to anyone? Any help would be appreciated more than you can imagine.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 25, 2015 2:03 am

jmh335 wrote: Can someone please give me some hope that this will change? That I am doing the right thing? Any advice? I need something good to happen in my life.


No, you are not doing the right thing. Your focus on what matters in life is setting you up to always be miserable. If you compare yourself to others, if that is what drives what you think is important, then you will never be happy. Every time you talk to others, every time you look at FB, you will always be miserable as you will always find others that you perceive have a better, more exciting, more fulfilling life.

My advice is to start focusing on you and what you can accomplish in life, regardless of anyone else. Set your baseline and then focus on self-improvement. Set personal goals, not goals in relation to others. Whether it is how many push-ups you can do, the books you read, grades, money or how many seconds you can balance a spoon on your nose, you have a personal baselines upon which you can constantly improve.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10954
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1138

#2

Postby jmh335 » Sun Oct 25, 2015 2:24 am

Thank you, this is good advice. I will try to implement it the best that I can.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#3

Postby Introspectah » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:46 am

jmh335 wrote:Thank you, this is good advice. I will try to implement it the best that I can.


Have you begun implementing the advice?
Introspectah
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 653
Joined: Wed Mar 04, 2015 6:18 pm
Location: Ostend, Belgium
Likes Received: 52

#4

Postby jmh335 » Fri Oct 30, 2015 2:05 pm

I have. I have a bad habit of trying to accomplish huge tasks all at once or many tasks at once. For example, right now I am in the process of quitting marijuana, working to be the hardest worker that I can be, and becoming fit. I am working on taking it one day at a time and trying to make the most out of that day. I think with time I will continue to get better at all of these things but right now I have good and bad days.

Another thing. I do think my withdrawal has gotten better the past few weeks. It is still bad but I am not as deeply depressed. I am finding that alothough it is tough to start, doing work and accomplishing a set of tasks for the day helps with the depression. Hopefully I continue on this path of recovery because I need to be a lot closer to the top my my game by next semester (the hardest in chemical engineering).
Anyone have any advice on caffeine? I am trying to avoid all drugs to accelerate the healing process but I am not a morning person and occasionally I need/want some coffee to give me a jump start.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#5

Postby Introspectah » Fri Oct 30, 2015 5:21 pm

jmh335 wrote:Anyone have any advice on caffeine? I am trying to avoid all drugs to accelerate the healing process but I am not a morning person and occasionally I need/want some coffee to give me a jump start.


My dude, speaking of jump starts or kicks in the arsze!
You'll forget about coffee once you'll incorporate some spiced-up green juices in your regime.
Magical concoctions they are.

Really. Caffeine is nothing compared to it.

How's your budget looking?

If the funds are affluent i highly suggest pure coconut water---electrolytes will buzz you up!
Then spinach, no wonder why it over-classed Popeye as the leading star.
Ginger, optionally beneficial.
Cayenne pepper or plain chili powder---no additives. This small addition can substitute the kick of caffeine---guaranteed---and a nice added touch if you like the heat.
Water cress and rocket are chock full of beneficial nutrients.
Mint, coriander, flat leaf parsley ever such healthy additives.
Apple cider vinegar is another wonder ingredient to add, for acidity and a myriad of health benefits.
Low-fat Yoghurt for the protein if you're craving it, which the average westerner is definitely in need of.

And then it's up to you.
Celery, cucumber, even plain, healthy crops of salad.
You name it.

Now if you weren't into this unusual side of the diet, i suggest you do research the benefits for your self, if your interest has been sparked of course.

Blend a juice like this in the morning, or preferrably in the evening or at night so you can kickstart your day without much of a fuss.

Oh, and the simplest renovation in the morning ritual is heated up yet not extremely hot water with lemon, dosage adjusted to the liking of your palate.

Look up the benefits for your self.
You'll or you'd be amazed.

Next to this coffee's like mac'n cheese in comparison to a wholesome, flavourful indian curry with cumin-scented rice!

Anything else that's been preoccupying you, which you would like to share or put forward as receptive to a bit of perspective?
Introspectah
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 653
Joined: Wed Mar 04, 2015 6:18 pm
Location: Ostend, Belgium
Likes Received: 52

#6

Postby jmh335 » Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:48 pm

Update for anyone that might be following:

Depression has gotten much better. Still not out of it but it is manageable. The brain fog is still there. Motivation is better but still not where I want it. Still not feeling prolonged happiness. I do think I'm starting to feel more frequent moments of happiness.

Another thing for anyone out there that might be going through something similar. I started to workout and recently bought a supplement called creatine. Upon further research it has many great benefits including improving brain power. It has also been shown in studies to prevent damage from traumatic brain injuries and even help in recovery. I think the recovery application may have some overlap so I'm interested in seeing how I progress.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#7

Postby jmh335 » Tue Nov 10, 2015 7:00 pm

Well things have taken a turn for the worse. Anxiety has spiked. Last Thursday I started to feel some heavy anxiety. I ended up not being able to sleep and staying up all night. The next day was pretty bad but the anxiety was the worst part. Now I have a huge fear of not being able to sleep. I feel like no matter how hard I work, sleep could mess everything up. I'm kind of paralyzed by anxiety right now. The brain fog also seemed to get MUCH worse due to this situation.

I got anxiety medication but only want to take it incase of emergency. I really hope my brain is still healing and I will grow out of this phase.

I'm also trying to bring some consistency to my life. I'm finding doing school work 14-15 hours a day everyday is not realistic.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Nov 10, 2015 7:53 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:My advice is to start focusing on you and what you can accomplish in life, regardless of anyone else. Set your baseline and then focus on self-improvement. Set personal goals, not goals in relation to others. Whether it is how many push-ups you can do, the books you read, grades, money or how many seconds you can balance a spoon on your nose, you have a personal baselines upon which you can constantly improve.


Are you using SMART goals? What are you missing in the above?

jmh335 wrote: The brain fog also seemed to get MUCH worse due to this situation.

I'm also trying to bring some consistency to my life. I'm finding doing school work 14-15 hours a day everyday is not realistic.


The idea you would somehow come up with a crazy goal of studying 14-15 hours and not recognize how utterly unhealthy that would be demonstrates a lack of understanding. You have brain fog, because you lack skills related to setting and accomplishing clear goals.

Of course you will have anxiety if you keep repeating the same mistakes.

What are you studying? What is your goal that you are attempting to accomplish via studying? Are you trying to get a piece of paper to hang on the wall as to establish a career or is there specific skills you are needing to acquire for some other goal?

How are you approaching the goal of studying? It sounds like you are simply trying to power your way through and somehow you think 14-15 hours is the most efficient, quickest route to accomplish what you want.

Think of it this way. It is like saying you want to be a body builder, so you decide to go to the gym 16 hours a day and then get anxiety and brain fog when you have no idea why you want to be a body builder or how to actually achieve success. You just throw yourself into the gym without a real plan and then it creates a problem for you.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10954
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1138

#9

Postby jmh335 » Tue Nov 10, 2015 10:30 pm

Thank you for the reply. I am a sophomore in chemical engineering. As of right now I have all As this semester. This is the first time in my life that I have actually tried to do well in school. I think you are right. I have no idea what I am doing. My thought process was that I needed to work all day everyday to accomplish my goals. It has worked so far but taken a huge toll on my mental health.

My goal is to become a chemical engineer. I am atleast semi interested in the material. I also have a goal of qualifying for med school if I were to choose that route. I think it might be best to just give up on that as of now to relieve some of my stress.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I had a meeting with my advisor who is also the thermodynamics professor. I know the class has a reputation of being the hardest in chemical engineering. He even told one girl that I know that his class alone will take 60 hours of studying a week. I have anxiety that not only will all of the work that I have put into chem e go to waste but also that I will consider myself a failure of I do not pass that class. Also that my future depends on 3 tests next semester and sleep will no doubt be difficult those nights making my performance on the exam not accurately represent my ability.

Thanks again this is a very tough time for me.
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:31 am

jmh335 wrote:Thanks again this is a very tough time for me.


Because you are making it a tough time. It is ALL you, 100% YOU. You are stressed out, have anxiety and a foggy mind because of you.

If you CHOOSE to stick your hand in an electrical outlet it would not surprise you when you receive a huge shock, right?

If you CHOOSE to take a full run at a brick wall. What do you think will happen? Pretty painful right? No surprise.

So why on earth are you acting surprised when you CHOOSE to study 14-15 hours a day, trying to make straight A's while pursuing both an engineering degree and medical, while looking towards exams and this BS course by your advisor? How is it such a surprise that you would have unhealthy levels of anxiety/stress?

In my initial response I told you to establish YOUR baseline. Don't use friggin Einstein's baseline or Joe John's baseline or Leonardo da Vinci's baseline or Mark Zuckerberg's baseline, or your roommate's baseline or your next door neighbors baseline, ad infinitum. Establish YOUR baseline.

When YOU stop making bad choices, running full speed towards a brick wall then you will stop having stress/anxiety.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10954
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1138

#11

Postby jmh335 » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:52 am

This is great advice. I decided to stop working at 8 today and even an extra 2 hours was a nice break. I think it will be great for my mental health to take a couple extra hours off per day. I also need to find something that I can do everyday that I enjoy. I like watching tv and reading so maybe that will occupy my time. A girlfriend would be nice too, I didn't think I had time for one this semester but it really helped me last semester.

I really want to be the best that I can be. To accomplish this I thought that I needed to work every second of the day. You have helped me realize that I need to be more well rounded. I can't thank you enough because any advice that I get from my parents is always to work harder.

I think I was also trying to improve in too many facets of life at once. I beat addiction and improved my work ethic. Now I need to work on taking care of myself.

Thanks again!
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#12

Postby griffo » Wed Nov 11, 2015 11:43 pm

Richard is spot on with his post. YOU can control your anxiety. You're only gonna feel anxious if you let yourself feel anxious. Gain control. Become a stronger version of yourself. Tell yourself that every day, every hour, every minute, you are becoming a better, stronger version of yourself. If anxiety starts to take over, say **** it, no, I AM stronger than this, I am BETTER than this, and I will BEAT this. It's all about being strong. You can feel sorry for yourself and stay depressed and anxious all the time - it won't do you any good.
Hang in there, and fire yourself up. I find having a hot shower helps me a lot. I feel brave. I solve problems, overcome fears, and pump myself up in a hot shower. Something about the hot water running down my body that makes me feel GREAT. Just do it. Message me if you feel down, I am in the same boat as you except I am on day 2 haha (the worst is about to come for me! But I'm gonna EMBRACE it. I want the anxiety, so I can beat it and give it a big F*** you).
griffo
Junior Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:40 pm
Likes Received: 1

#13

Postby jmh335 » Thu Nov 12, 2015 1:38 am

Thanks for the reply! I think that I would be doing great if I wasn't actually in a very stressful time in my life. People that have been sober forever are stressed. I am working on overcoming the anxiety. Not an easy task but I'm working on it and have seen some improvements. I should also mention that I am sick so that adds to the whole situation.

I will give you some advice. I am 1 week away from 3 months. Something that seemed impossible to me the past 6 years. I no longer even crave weed. I do miss the feeling of being able to control my happiness and being able to instantly access such intense euporia. Having said that, I don't miss WEED. I regret it. I wasted 6 years of my life. It feels great to truly enjoy things in life. Everything I did in life I had to get high first. No matter what I did it was a bad time unless I was high. Now I appreciate just sitting down and truly enjoying a tv show, working out, talking with friends, reading a book, ANYTHING. Just understand that being sober is less about the huge ups and downs and more about a steady baseline and real feelings. Good luck! You can do it and you'll be so proud of yourself in the end!
jmh335
Junior Member
 
Posts: 85
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am
Likes Received: 5

#14

Postby griffo » Thu Nov 12, 2015 6:09 pm

I quit last year for 5 months, and have quit multiple times for around a month, so I know more or less what to expect. Stress sucks, but the key is to stay determined. See it as an enemy, something you WILL beat.

Thanks for the words of encouragement - very much appreciated. I wish you all the best too - you are doing very well at almost 3 months! Stay determined, stay focused, stay strong. Take care
griffo
Junior Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:40 pm
Likes Received: 1



Return to Addictions