Am I depressed?

Postby msf226 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 12:52 pm

I'm 24 years old, and when I was a child I was sexually abused by my sister who is 8 years older than me, something which has subconsciously affected me my entire life.

I was in denial of it most of my life, and only in the last 4 years actually admitted it to someone for the first time, this was my girlfriend at the time and she was very supportive and understanding.

I've had a really tough relationship with my parents, which took a huge turn for the worse when I left the Royal Navy because after trying it I realised it wasn't the career for me. This led to my Dad being very disappointed in me and saying some horrible things.

Having various issues at home when I was still living with my parents, I finally cracked once and spilled out to my Dad (only via text message as I wasn't home at the time) what my sister had done to me when I was younger, that I had been having counselling etc. and that they were never there for me. He never replied to this, and didn't try to call me, I didn't go home for 4 days and when I finally did my Mum did sit down and talk with me, but my Dad said nothing. Eventually after a few days of ignoring each other me and my Dad got back in to a routine of saying 'hello' and 'good morning' in a non-enthusiastic manner every time we crossed paths in the house.

Since then the only time he mentioned it was a few weeks later when he gave me a lift and I apologised for refusing to go to the family Christmas lunch because I didn't feel comfortable with my sister being there. He just said that I need to do what Nelson Mandela did and be forgiving and forget it.

Since then I've successfully started studying a distance learning university degree, and got a reasonably good job (in monetary terms) working for local government.

I know it's not a competition but I'm doing better than my older brother and sister were when they were my age, and better than they are now, if level of education and salary are factors to base that on. But I can't remember the last time my Dad told me that he is proud of me, or that he loves me, or even hugged me, I think the last time he hugged me was when I was 17 or 18 and crying because my girlfriend broke up with me.

My Mum means well but hasn't really been there for me, she suffers from chronic depression and is totally under the thumb of my Dad, whatever he says goes, and I she has never have had the backbone to stand up for me, whether I've been present or not.

The last 4 years I haven't really felt any fulfilment in life, and I constantly want better which makes me think I have slight delusions of grandeur. I allow money to stress me out (I have a loan that is going to take 3 years to pay back) and yet I still waste so much on alcohol and going out etc. I often fantasise about killing myself, I wouldn't actually do it, but the thought of it is therapeutic sometimes, almost as if it's a way to escape from my problems and not have to actually face up to them.

I have been to see a doctor recently and they prescribed me anti-depressants which I had to stop taking because they made me have really strong suicidal feelings.

I don't actually know if I'm depressed, because I often think of what other people have to deal with in their day to day lives, or what traumas people have suffered and battled through and my situation pales in comparison, I think I should get counselling and give up drinking alcohol but as pathetic as it sounds I can't bring myself to do it. I'm fed up of my job and my life and I want to move away,change and start over again but I do nothing about it.

I wondered if anyone else is in a similar situation or has been and would be able to discuss.

Thanks
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:09 pm

It sounds to me like you are focused on the wrong things. Specifically,

-1- You live in the past and;
-2- You focus on comparisons.

Neither of those are healthy.
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#2

Postby Mephestic » Thu Oct 29, 2015 2:52 pm

I'm not convinced it's depression perse as usually it involves a severe lack of motivation, inability to work and often social exclusion in some form (from my experience) neither of which you appear to fully hit.

It sounds like you're just unhappy and the reason for that is as Richard above says : you have an unhealthy obsession with the last that you seem to refer to constantly to determine who you are now and everything is about comparisons: comparing yourself to your family and how well you are doing than them, comparing to other people and using their misfortune as an example not to be so unhappy. Focus rather on what you want, find direction and then follow it through. It seems you may not have figured out what it is you want yet or a path for yourself which is why your unhappy?

What career do you want? Do you have any goals with your girlfriend? Marriage, family, your own home?
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#3

Postby jessicapuppy » Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:16 pm

I don't like the way that your 'loved ones' are trying to get you to leave things in the past, & move on, when it's clear that the person responsible has never been outed, & you haven't been able to open up, deal with what has happened to you, & begin to process it all!
You've had no validation from your parents, & your pain & humiliation goes completely unrecognised!

Can I suggest that you have a look at a forum specific to abuse victims of this kind:

http://www.psychforums.com/sexual-abuse-incest/

http://www.havoca.org/resources/forum/

It's very possible that you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD and/or depression. It would be very common under the circumstances.

Another thing I think that would be of great benefit, is to find a therapist who is well versed in sexual abuse/incest.

This is not a minor thing. This should not be swept under the carpet & 'moved on' from, without it first being properly dealt with. Until it has been, it will eat away at you unconsciously.
You are totally right to want to have your parents validate you & your sister held accountable. You have done nothing wrong, & it's an insult that you are being treated the way that you are being.

Well done you for bringing it into the open. That takes great courage.

Jess
x
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#4

Postby Exlpharmacy » Mon Nov 02, 2015 11:43 am

yes i am depressed..depression is the worst thing I've ever experienced.. and i suffer from the similar thing you discussed in this..
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#5

Postby NobleWolf » Mon Nov 02, 2015 1:02 pm

Good morning,

I feel bad for you and for what did happen with you when you was young.

But I have got to tell you that you have to move on, it did happen with you when you was a kid and you had no powers over that, I never had the same issue but I know someone who does, Eminem who got sexualy abused by his step-father and he faced the whole world saying that in his lyrics many times, and he really did move on in his life, maybe he did that because he already said what he got and that's they best method to move on, or he just knew that it's something of the past.

Your story is just like mine but with Weed, it took a lot of years from my life, I was pretty much not alive, and I really feel bad when I think about that, but I learned that life is a very limited journey, you either live it well and fully or you don't deserve the life you have, it doesn't matter how much you pained, it doesn't matter how you lived yesterday with it, today is a new day, tomorrow is a new day, you just have to start living your own life from now on.

If you feel that your family are holding you back, I'm sorry but you have to look for what's best for you, not for them, if your father doesn't talk to you that much anymore, than you have to either face him with it or do the same thing until he starts missing you, don't focus on your relationship with your family for now, be more focus on helping yourself to get out from this mood, as it will get worse easily and fastly, and it's not healthy.

The thing you should do now, is, move on from your house or your parents house as it will always bring you pain when you're there, you can't go back until you have really moved on from your past situation, move and go somewhere else, with your girldfriend and just start fresh.

All the best,
NobleWolf.
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