Around August of last year I made some changes in my life. I just got out of a long term relationship, I wanted a new job, and I gave myself permission to explore human sexuality.
- The prime motivation behind your desire to explore sexuality?
You described your relationship with Janet as having proceeded well up until January, yet after having read the next chapter of revelation i feel obliged to assume that your estimation of prosperity up to that point did not pertain to the sexuality lived out in between the two of you?
Even more was that I had never seen that side of her. That sexual aggression of being persistent with getting what she wants. Not once did she talk to me like that.
- How do you assess your responsability in setting the stage for a particular facet as opposed to the entirety of her personality to come through?
Can you extrapolate the secrecy and perhaps well-intended
restraint of character and information-flow as observed in her behaviour, into the specific manner in which you chose to frame your self in relation to her?
I out the phone down than just sat on my bed chain smoking, my entire body shaking. I scolded myself for snooping, I was hard on myself. The relationship was just fine before this... One of the best I have had...
Was it, or did you fool your self into believing that?
Hence being so hard on your self upon unintentionally breaking the spell of illusion which seemed to serve the function of perpetuating a comfort-zone in which you managed to maintain the idea that no to little effort towards progress was required of you, as the relationship apparantly was close to perfect anyways, but that proved out to be a naïve feat of self-deception, didn't it?
So what could you take away from this specific ordeal so mercilessly imposed upon your self; or should i say, which you so remorselessly worked your self into?
The degree of responsability which you'll be inclined to own dependant upon the belief-system you had been cultivating prior to engaging your self in this relationship.
So i'm naturally inclined to wonder about your track-record---concerning romances, familial & casual affairs.
Of principal relevance the approximate proportion of victimhood to self-empowerment on your scale of self-governance.
For the brief look which the concise account of your experiences has given me thus far leads me to suspect there's a vindictive victim-mentality at play in the unconscious region of your psyche.
Only in your case revenge is, at least so it appears for now, not aimed at external figures but at your self, ''for being such a whimp, such a weakling (..)'', for that is what you believe to be true about your self, isn't it?
I tell you with utmost certainty that you'll never manage to enable your self to fully surrender to love's splendor if you intrinsically, unconsciously hold on to a belief-system which eats away at your self-worth---the solution always being to dive back into the earliest stages of your psyche in this lifetime.
At this point i remember you were the individual who's mention of unresolved emotional trauma i had responded to, so the objective of your soul-endeavour and introspective work clearly manifests itself in front of my first eye.Just to be clear, i interrupt reading as the required commentary presents itself; i then resume reading as soon as i feel to have written all that was needed to be conveyed.
So now i resume.
She cheated.
She was showing her seriously aggressive and free spirited sexual nature to everyone but me.
The relationship was over.
Did you dare to ask her for it though?
Did you activate -by means of encouragement- the confidence she needed in order to bloom her promiscuous nature?
Can you see how your sexually-centered anxiety (though i still am unaware about the subject & specifics of your anxiety) directly influenced her preferred mode of behaviour towards you?
The woman I knew for over a year and dated several months was headstrong, sociable, approachable, sensual.. I had no idea she was capable of this or how sexually promiscuous or aggressive she was
So you agree that you didn't know her?
But only interacted with a version of her that played into your preferences at that time?
Are you willing to ponder on the underlying motive of upholding such a consequently misinforming, misleading and concealing relationship?
What is it that convinces you that you need to present your self as something/ -one other than your self?
It all comes down to a fundamental invalidation of your self-worth, doesn't it?
Where does it come from?
Do memories of a younger age appear in correlation?
If they don't immediately do, are you willing to set aside some time to dig into the reservoir which constitutes the determining causal elements of your past?___________________________________________________________
[2nd message]
Her family life is and always has been absolutely brutal. She has no self esteem., suffers from depression, and anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, suicidal tendencies. Sex addiction The works.
I had absolutely no idea. She showed no signs of any of this. To me she was just a wonderful human being and am absolute pleasure to be around.
And the two [face(t)s] don't need to be mutually exclusive.A light remark on the side:
[
Reading like a movie---what a thrill of a ride!
Honestly. Though i don't intend to play down the extremity of the ordeal presented, this whole scenario does (already, to me) display numerous signs of such a typical, proverbial god-given blessing wrapped in a curse.
I speak from personal experience when i assume the arrogance to temporarily undermine that which at this point of the story seems an incomparable hardship which you have to endure, by referring to this challenging phase as a disguised blessing of a divine nature.
It's a conclusion one can only arrive at upon recollection from an elevated and somewhat detached perspective; like we only appreciate the effect of the thunderous rain upon our soil once the sky's cleared up.]
___________________________________________________________
My concerns lie in why did she do all those things with other men while she was with me, instead of doing them with me.
I understand, my brother.
I understand how damn hard it must be to get over such a terrible violation of a bond of trust, but whatever i say we'll always return to the root of your trust issues, which originate in childhood---with your parents, or caretakers.
Here's a video that might benefit you tremendously:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk6SoSnIzDMAs for the grudges you hold in regards to the violation of your integrity her extortionate acts of ''cheating'' signified, i refer you back to the presently treated subject-related passages in my response on your first post, concerning the level of responsability you hold in [un]wittingly setting a stage for a specific facet of her personality to flourish, while another felt rather uncalled for, unwanted even.
Now you might not have wanted to (in)directly nudge her into suppressing a vital facet of her wholeness, but you nonetheless unwittingly did.
No need to be hard on your self with retrospective bashes---you were unaware of the unconscious regulators of your behaviour.
But it's up to you to learn the lessons indispensably forced upon you, ironically by consequence of your own choices in this lifetime.
And what about her ... the utterly unstable household she grew up in ... the hopelessness in which vortex she waddled with ominous frailty ... the shattering lack of self-worth she's to this day tormented by---how can you blame her for not providing you the love you need to give to your self in the first place?
She isn't to blame for not fulfilling your requirements for love, let alone meeting her own needs!
She's been wandering on the lost path, so were you, and your the zig-zag trail of your foot tracks happened to cross with significant timing.
- - -
She's here in your life, now she is, and there are aspects of her fragmented personality you adore, you admire, that hold you in awe ... there are ways in which she makes you feel so good about your self ... but if you love her for making you feel good, and hate her for making you feel bad .... are you then truly loving her or are you on the lookout for validations which disprove your deepest disbelief in self-worth by appealing to that subdued inkling of self-worth that shines through the cracks like an angel's emanation in the darkest district?
Your entire life has been shaped in the self-image your childhood has gathered.
You have the power to change the image you wish to uphold, the love you wish to radiate and receive and, above all, the example you wish to set for your daughter.
Would you want your daughter to wander in future scenarios on a hopeless hunt for love much like you've been doing?
Would you want your daughter to place the preconditions of activated self-worth on the extent to which selected partners meet her criteria by virtue of repetitive acts of approval?
But wouldn't you want to encourage her to grow into a young woman who loves her self regardless of the approval explicitly publicized by partners of her preference?
By the limited amount of deeply meaningful and multi-layered writing you've exhibited on here, i know you are quite unlike the archetypal victim who's predestined for a fate of self-destruction as you possess that spark of light characteristic of a veritable Warrior which transcends the limitations of human endurance, but i heartfully encourage you to take up my advice and start looking into your own shadow instead of projecting it outward and perpetuating that victim-role which doesn't suit you any longer, certainly not now you've welcomed a daughter, and now that you're also in charge of such a fragile woman for whom i am certain you are capable of being immeasurably significant.
It's a huge task you're facing, but i know you are capable of succeeding.
Just remember to keep your eyes fixed on what's important in the long-run.
Is it truly that important that she cheated on you?
The act of cheating?
Or is what hurt you most of all to see everywhere around confirmed that your inner belief-system of low self-worth holds true after all?
Please don't shy away from taking the desperately needed time for your self, whether that be a quarter or an hour's worth of contemplation, meditation, emotional purging,..., by upholding the excuse that you need to be busy all the time, otherwise you won't make it.
You certainly won't make it if you completely sacrifice your self and disregard your own needs for others.
A crippling sickness could come back at you if you continue like that.Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? What Did they do for you that I haven't already done?
She could've chosen you as well as the others, if you had been living as a version of your self which catered to her sexual needs.
It was never about them for her.
All she needed was a confirmation of her self-worth which she didn't find with you because you didn't even create an appearance of confirming your own self-worth, so she went in search of someone who gave her what she needed, and it wasn't sex, it wasn't the comparably thick dick you envy, nor was it good looks, no .... all she longed was for someone to make her forget her misery by making her truly feel appreciated through distorted, disingenuous sexual means.
But how could you when you were struggling with your own crippling self-doubts?Why does the guy you hung out with at the bar once get a threesome. Where me, the guy who took her in to my home at a moment's notice, paid our bills, made sure she's fed etc... Get nothing but told she'd do it again but never for me.
For someone of her disposition it's (was) easier to get sexual with someone she has little to no affinity with, as she hadn't been seeking an emotionally charged sexual encounter, but a quick fix of self-esteem.
Secondly, that hurtful comment of hers came forth out of a highly liable state of being, and who knows, she might've even meant that she wouldn't grant you that side of her, perhaps because she knows she can't get away with engaging in a sexual encounter with you wihtout reactivating her feelings of vulnerability... for you mean much more to her than those one-night stands ever will, as you are ''the guy who took her in to my home at a moment's notice, paid our bills, made sure she's fed etc. (...)'' and might i add, provided a safe haven she'd been ever so long craving for, perhaps even appealed to an aspect of her personality that had been neglected (not in the least by her self) for such an excruciatingly long time---if not excruciating in length of time, then in severity of feeling.I'm worried about my daughter growing up with separate parent because of this. I can't control the thoughts or how they make me feel.
Arguably in the end-run it could prove to be a better option to grant your daughter a relatively stable divided household instead of a permanent warzone with no contrast or escape, nonetheless balanced out by some positive elements.
_________________
Does it sound like I'm blaming the world for my problems? Or are the circumstances just extreme and the stress is getting to me.
For too long you have neglected the incipient stages of your oncoming problems so that they've been allowed unbridled growth up to a point where the ramifications are hitting you from every angle like Ali in his prime.
I can vaguely visualize how facking tough times must be, but there's a spark of persistence within you ... reconnect with your core values that transcend the woes of current living ... seek for what's eternal and indestructable by circumstance and foe ...
You know what to fight for.
Now look in the places i pointed out and the spaces i opened up.
I ain't gonna beat around the bush---i've identified your abilities and opportunities for growth as accurately as i acknowledge the potentially revolutionary effect of the application of my advice [by your self], but on some levels of existence it takes a sharp turn in the other direction, namely - - - Inwards.Self-responsability.
Initiate the reversal of self-worth.
Do not expect someone else to love you when you don't love your self.
Even if it takes 5 years without romance, no sex, and little to no external approval of the worth that is indispensably yours, while all the while you find your self in the capacity to be the loving father to your daughter that she's asked for, then the sacrifices will have proven to be worthwile, won't they?
Just don't completely muffle the voice of your needs against the backdrop of your daughter's amiable shrieks ... for what example will a father who sacrifices his own needs set for his daughter?
Even though she might've been unconditionally loved all along, and have reaped massive benefits out of that, she'll still take example out of your prominent patterns of behaviour nonetheless.
So if you don't right-away manage to convince your self of the appropriateness and justness of the call of your needs as pertaining to your individual character, then remind your self that allocating quality time to introverted occasions is as much important to your daughter's prosperity as spending quality time with her is.__________________________________________________________
Absolutely hit th nail on the head. I have no control over my life. I did precisely what you suggested a wrote down an action plan.
You have no control because overwhelmingly recurring patterns in the earlier stages of your life have convinced you that power's to be found outside of your self while the power's entirely in your hands.
So you do have the power over your life; in fact you have according to the cruel principles of a self-fulfilling prophecy arranged all the circumstances of your life to this day, because [in reference to an earlier statement, written 40-50 min. ago] you have had a hand in the construction of your personality which is entirely based on certain foundations laid during your youth, over which you hold full sovereignty and capability for drastic rearrangement.
I believe in you.Anything you need, wish to discuss or get out of your system, i'm the unwavering recipient.
Master of resilience, Peace.- yes, you i am referring to -