the past year. I need help

Postby glebo » Tue Nov 24, 2015 5:59 pm

Hey all.

The past year for me has just been a year of absolute hell. It's had it's downs, many downs, to many downs to count. It has very seriously taken a toll on me both physically and mentally.

I'll go into detail about my life during the past year. It may be a little long, so those that have no time it's OK. For those that do, just bear with me here. What Im writing will be 100% truth, as I have nothing to gain by exaggerating or lying on an online forum.

A little backstory that will help understand: I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever had. And because of my sexual anxiety. I've lost many opportunities, I've been laughed at and called names. The reason I gave myself permission to explore is to get my self confidence and self esteem back. But I wanted to it the right way. In a relationship as opposed to random encounters. It's easier with someone I am comfortable with. That's 75% of the anxiety gone.

So, with that being said, here it goes:

Around August of last year I made some changes in my life. I just got out of a long term relationship, I wanted a new job, and I gave myself permission to explore human sexuality. (I suffer from sexual anxiety doe to childhood trauma. So my experiences have been limited to traditional sex).

I got a position at my dream job, an environmental remediation company that pays VERY WELL!!! I was also traveling all over the province. The jobs were multi million dollar contracts, and it was a company of professionals that took their work very seriously. So I was revelling the professionalism and the pay! Making $2000/wk and no time to spend it meant my bank account was getting heavy. The company also matched rsp contributions 100%. So I planned to utilize this and save all winter so I can look into buying a house by spring. At the same time I met this incredible woman who was my match in almost every regard. We hit it off right away and the chemistry was amazing!!

In late November while I was driving to work I was fighting reflux like ive never felt before. It got so bad that I had to pull over, my stomach felt like it was on fire. I vomited a significant amount of blood which naturally scared the hell out of me. I drove straight to the hospital to find out that chronic acid reflux was the cause. It ate away at my esophagus causing an open wound which bled openly into my stomach. Causing me to vomit. I was rushed into emergency surgery to cauterize the wound (a very minor procedure. I was home the same day)

And that was the start of my downfall.

I lost my job late November as well. It was a devastating blow as it was my dream job. I was supposed to be working all winter saving money but instead I found myself unemployed seeking unemployment benefits. I lost my company's rsp contribution match which was $5000 out the window. I was laid off along with 25% of the other staff with no notice. I was one of the first to go based on my seniority.

However in a good note, this woman (well call her Janet) asked me to be exclusive. This was a high point for me. We discussed what we want out of our relationship which is when undecided a different approach. I told her the truth about everything. My sexual anxiety and What caused it, as well as my desire to finally explore sexuality. She agreed 100% and told me nothing would make her happier than to help me out. She will be patient and I just need to talk to her when I'm ready. That was definitely a highlight of last year.

However I was unemployed, and very quickly running out of savings to help pay my bills.

The relationship with Janet was still going incredibly well.

Skipping ahead to January, the month of January is when it really started to turn for the worst.

I needed a new cell phone. Mine was old and it's was time to upgrade. Janet had just bought a new phone, and loaned me her old one to take for a test drive to see if I wanted it. She wiped the phone clean and covered her bases. Except for one thing.

Her browser history.

When I opened the browser it opened to her facebook page, still logged on. Against my better judgement I did what any human being would do in my situation. I snooped.

What I found brought me to tears, and haunts me to this very day. It haunts me, I can't get the images of what I read out of my head. I was so upset and so angry that I sat on my bed in tears, chain smoking with my entire body shaking as I read on.

I started with reading messages from her gay friend. I scrolled back to when we first became exclusive. He expressed concern to her about me being in the hospital at that time.

"so how's your boyfriend? Is he still in the hospital? "

"oh he's fine, should I have sex with Thomas or no? " she replied

"YES YOU SHOULD" he added

My heart started beating through my chest. But thought maybe it was a joke.

So I looked for and found her messages between Thomas. I scrolled back to the date and time of when she was messaging her gay friend.
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#1

Postby glebo » Tue Nov 24, 2015 6:27 pm

She stared with

"hey did you see me during the presentation today?"

"oh yeah" he replied.

"did you like my red lipstick? "

"mmm yes I did"

"would you like to wear my red lipstick? Of course I'm not talking about your lips... "

My heart was beating through my chest, my body was shaking, I couldn't hold back the tears. I continued reading... They were sending pictures back and forth, she was very complimentary of his size and girth. Even offered to buy him XL condoms if he comes over to her house as the LG she has won't accomadate him. She was calling him sir, and daddy. She was begging, and begging, and begging, and begging him to come over and do the deed. Offering him every incentive a woman can offer a man. They agreed they're so busy with courses. So set it up to happen during their week-long break in December. I thought back to her and I in December and realized that I had seen her once that week as she said she was very busy. What crushed me even further was when I looked at the date when she was messaging him.

NOV 24, just 2 days after she asked me to be exclusive. 3 days after I was out of the hospital and at home recovering.

The more I read the messages, I took it as an insult to my own anxiety and shortcomings. What blew me away Evem more was that I had never seen that side of her. That sexual aggression of being persistent with getting what she wants. Not once did she talk to me like that.

Me being a complete idiot, I started reading more messages from other people. I didn't think I couldn't possibly be hurt any more than I was.

I was wrong.

This Thomas character was only one about a dozen. I purposely didn't read anything that occurred before our date of being exclusive. I wanted to go know what was going on during our relationship.

She was messaging guys with pictures saying things like

"cmon you know you want to **** me"

But one particularly stood out, her messages between 2 of her classmates.

"hey, did you tell anybody about our threesome the other night?" a 2 girl/guy threesome.

I out the phone down than just sat on my bed chain smoking, my entire body shaking. I scolded myself for snooping, I was hard on myself. The relationship was just fine before this... One of the best I have had... I knew there was no going forward after this mess though. I received 3 blows at once.

She cheated
She was showing her seriously aggressive and free spirited sexual nature to everyone Her but me.
The relationship was over.

I stayed up the entire night just in shock, I couldn't sleep and I finished an entire pack of cigarettes in just a few hours.

She called me at 6am just to chat while she gets ready and expressed how excited she was to come see me that night. I told her not to bother, that the relationship is done and told her what I found and how. On the other end of the phone was silence. After a minute of silence she said she's coming after class to explain herself. I told her all she would accomplish is me breaking up with her to her face. But she's was adamant.

She came over that night and tried to explain herself but I wasn't listening. I didn't hear a word she said. All I could think about were those messages.

She says "I love you I don't want this to end"

I hear "so you want to wear my lipstick? "

She says "please. Don't let this happen I need you"

I hear "did you tell anyone about our threesome the other night?"

She stared at me in silence. I can see she's fighting anxiety bordering on panic.

The words started to form out of my mouth

"we are done and... "

She covered my mouth with her hand begging me not to say it. But I did.

She tried to pack her things and leave, but collapsed on the floor in hysterics. She rummaged through her backpack and found 2 bottles of pills. Which she promptly opened and dumped the contents I'm her open palm.

Without even thinking, without even knowing how I found myself physically trying to stop her from ingesting a palm full of pills while she fought me screaming.

"JUST LET ME DO IT... JUST LET ME GO"

I got the pills out of her hand and she just laid there a hysterical mess. I was completely shocked as I didn't even know she was capable of this. The woman I knew for over a year and dated several months was headstrong, sociable, approachable, sensual.. I had no idea she was capable of this or how sexually promiscuous or aggressive she was. I had no idea there were any underlying mental health issues. As one of the bottles of pills she wanted to ingest were SSRI.

I didn't know how to handle this or what to do.
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#2

Postby glebo » Tue Nov 24, 2015 6:51 pm

I drove her home in silence. Dropped her off, and went home myself. I was in complete shock, I just felt numb. I had a glass of whiskey when I got home but still felt nothing. I just went to bed to sleep off the shock.

I was awoken early the next morning by her school counsellor. Saying Janet needs to be admitted to the hospital for psych evaluation as she's not doing very well. Janet's family wasn't there to help, her friends supposedly wouldn't help. I knew it was a cry for help. Without knowing why, even after telling myself no. I just found myself waiting at the hospital with her.

It was there that I found out who she really is.

Her family life is and always has been absolutely brutal. She has no self esteem., suffers from depression, and anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, suicidal tendencies. Sex addiction The works.

I had absolutely no idea. She showed no signs of any of this. To me she was just a wonderful human being and am absolute pleasure to be around.

Turns out she had gotten professional help for everything, was visiting a psychiatrist and was doing very well. I was the last step in her recovery, a healthy relationship. But her feelings for me scared her triggering a relapse.

The hospital released her but she needed to be monitored 24/7 be somebody. That was me. Her friends are students and couldn't, and staying with her family would be detrimental to her mental health. So I agreed to have her at my house for a week, and because I knew the underlying causes of her promiscuity I agreed that we can try to work things out. The keyword was try, I made no promises to her.

2 days into that week we ended up at a walk in clinic where we found out that her abdominal cramps were caused by her being 4 weeks pregnant. Me still not being fully recovered from the cheating messages and everything that happened asked if the baby was even mine, to which I received a slap on the face.

3 days into that week. Her mother, because of a sudden divorce had an absolute epic breakdown of her own. With no notice she gave all 3 of her kids Janet Included 2 days notice to pack up and leave or move with her to another city 100 miles away. Janet couldn't leave as she had only 6 weeks left of her 2 year nursing program. I helped her pack her things while her mother was having screaming fits of rage. Calling all her kids and myself some pretty horrible obscene things. So 3 days after finding out of Janet's unfaithfulness. She is suddenly living at my house and pregnant.

All of this caused Janet's mental health to degrade even further. From her perspective I just broke up with her because of her relapse, she just found out she's pregnant, her mother abandoned her. The icing on her cake was because of her pregnancy, she quit her SSRI, and smoking cols turkey.

Janet began to lash out, and I was her target. She knew my anxieties, and all my weak points so she began tobpush every one of those buttons.

She told me countless times that yeah she cheated and she will do it again. She told me yeah she had threesomes, and will have one again but never with me. She told me yeah she f***ed Thomas, because he had something I don't. She told me these are all men while I am just a boy. She told me countless times its my fault she cheated because I'm seriously lacking.

This went on for exactly one month and a half, all day every day. We ended up in the hospital twice for stitches because she relapsed into cutting. Something she hadn't done since she was 13 years old.

I was still numb.

Because of the pregnancy I had to find a job asap because collecting Ei wasn't enough to support 2 people. We also needed to find a place for ourselves as my roommates wanted us out. They couldn't handle Janet's emotional outbursts.

I was still numb.

I found a job in March. And things were going relatively smooth as Janet's hormones and mental health leveled themselves out. I constantly reassured her that everything will be OK. I had a plan and explained it all to her which satisfied her.
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#3

Postby glebo » Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:15 pm

Around this time I enrolled myself in counselling/therapy to help me deal with the emotional traumas that occurred recently.

For several months things were OK.

By late August we found ourselves the perfect home in a great area for a great price. The rental fee was all inclusive, utilities and internet included which was one hell of a bonus. We applied for the place and we were accepted.

Finally things were falling into place.

I mentioned this to my boss at work, who promptly fired me on the spot with a smile on his face.

I was completely stunned and speechless. I thought he was joking.

He wasnt.

"but we have a baby on the way, we just found a place... "

"I know! " he said, smiling
"you can either finish the day, or pack your sh** right now and leave" he turned his back to me and walked away.

I just stood there stunned and speechless for several minutes. In one week we were supposed to move into our home.

There was no real reason for me being let go. It was a vindictive move by him because I was a threat to his authority. I have 10 years experience in the industry to his 4. So the guys respected me and were constantly coming to me for help with the jobs as opposed to himself.

(I tried fighting my dismissal with the labor board but there was nothing they could do. It said in the employee manual that workers under the probationary period can be let go at any time for any reason with no notice. The reason he gave to the labor board was "not fitting in with company culture")

I went home in stunned silence to explain the situation to Janet. She understandably lost her mind. I didn't react I let her express her frustrations aloud.

I explained the situation up on to my roommates, who promptly gave Janet and I one week's notice to move out. They said unless I can pay this month's rent right now we're done and out of there. (I couldn't, the money I did have was tied up with first and last rent at the new home. Which I now needed to get back)

I had to discontinue counselling as I could no longer afford it.

3 days later, we are living with my grandmother. As well as my uncle, who is schizophrenic. My grandmother is a jaded, bitter old woman with serious issues as she grew up in a war zone in North Africa. The house is dated to the 1960's. It's falling apart.

These are not ideal circumstances.

I was so taken aback by everything that happened. That I vowed to never work in my industry again, never.

I enrolled in a free college certification program. Something that will allow me to get several certificates in different industries as well as network with the school and employers. Opening many doors and opportunities for me.

The course started July 6, and I spent the next 4 months giving it my all. Frustrated though as the course was full time. I felt like I should be working to get my family out of the home were in. During a networking event, I had 3/6 employers tell me they are jnterestrd in hiring me for placement leading to permanent full time work.

However Janet supported me completely telling me it's short term problems with a long term solution. Better pay in a better industry. She will be patient.

The highlight of this year was the birth of my daughter, Olivia. The first time I held her, the first time I said "hi baby girl, it's daddy" her eyes went wide and remained fixated on me. It brought me a sense of joy and love that is unlike anything ive ever experienced. My daughter is my sole source of happiness as she is just perfect.her demeanor is perfect, her temperament is perfect. She Only whines when she's hungry, but it's a really soft whine like she's singing. Beyond that she is just a happy, full of smiles, content baby!

November. Graduation is just a week away, and these employers who offered me positions still haven't contacted me. I took the initiative to contact them and was given the brush off as a response.

What....

I contacted our employer liason to find out that 14/19 I'd the employers on the commitee ghetto school can't get a hold of.

Graduation passes by.

Still no placement

I went In person and sent resumes everywhere. Even did the schools job handing out packages and selling the program and myself as a student. Explaining the financial incentives the school offers for taking a student.

I get one call back and do an interview which went really well. He asked for our employer liason contact info so they can set it up. I hand him Her business card, and head home to break the good news.

He calls the next day cancelling my placement. Apparantly when he called the school he was told our employer liason is no longer affiliated with the school or the program. She was fired for what happened with the 14/19 of the employers.

All the resumes and packages I handed out had her contact info...

Another week goes by, still no placement.

So I scrambled to find a job and found one which isn't even a good one. Part time on call, plowing snow. I couldn't say no because even if it isn't that good it's still something.
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#4

Postby glebo » Tue Nov 24, 2015 7:24 pm

Now we are at the present.

The stress of the past year has affected me both emotionally and physically.

I've developed a nervous tick

I have alopecia aerata, my hair is literally falling out in patches.

I have a short fuse, very quick to anger.

My blood pressure and heart rate have skyrocketed. 50% because of stress 50% because of chain smoking.

I'm trying to not let it show, but those close to me can see it.

Everything I've tried the past year has blown up on my face, I've lost 2 homes, a job, and my college education.

I've been diagnosed with retroactive jealousy ocd. As I became obsessed with Janet's past. I'm not concerned with the fact that she had past relationships and lovers. My concerns lie in why did she do all those things with other men while she was with me, instead of doing them with me.

Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? What Did they do for you that I haven't already done?

Why does the guy you hung out with at the bar once get a threesome. Where me, the guy who took her in to my home at a moment's notice, paid our bills, made sure she's fed etc... Get nothing but told she'd do it again but never for me.

The thoughts just randomly pop on my head and I get intensely angry. We fight on a weekly basis about this.

I'm worried about my daughter growing up with separate parent because of this. I can't control the thoughts or how they make me feel.

Everything has affected me so much, that I want to throw my hands in the air and give up.

The only thing stopping me is my daughter. Amything I lack she lacks. I've already done all I can and gave everything my all. My lowest mark in school was an 89...

So what can I do?

DISCLAIMER.

those that took the time to read this. I thank you profusely. Even if you don't reply, thank you for hearing me out. I know it was long do it's immensely appreciated that you at least took the time
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#5

Postby umairlooms » Wed Dec 02, 2015 5:38 am

i read through all of it, and I will give you advice. I feel a sense of urgency, in everything you do. You are in such a hurry. A job does not equal a house, a relationship does not equal a daughter, you are repeatedly getting ahead of yourself. Try to just figure out ONE thing, which at the moment is a stable job. After that you need to sort out your relationship with JANET and your DAUGHTER. As crazy as it sounds, you need to let JANET go, but first things first, get and stick to a decent job WITHOUT trying to find perfection in a perfect house with a perfect family. Be perfect at ONE thing first and focus on it. Your job and then your daughter. Slow down my friend, slow down NOW and get things in order. SLOW DOWN
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#6

Postby glebo » Wed Dec 02, 2015 6:17 am

I appreciate you reading I really do.

I can't slow down.

The family I'm staying with has given me a Jan 1st deadline to get out. They feel like they are helping by lighting a fire under my butt to get going.

They believe that the placement issue with college were just excuses to enjoy a free ride. They didn't understand that the program was free so felt like I needed to be working 2 jobs to pay for it.

The sense of urgency comes from a 70 year old woman who think the world operates the way it did in the 70's. She doesn't understand that I don't need to put on a suit and leave the house for 8hrs a day to find a job and she doesn't believe I possible for colleges to make mistakes.

She just believes I made mistakes and I am blaming everybody for it.

Because it's great that after finishing classes I need to go on welfare and apply for housing and emergency shelters to begin my life with my new family...
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#7

Postby glebo » Wed Dec 02, 2015 6:38 am

I tried arguing my case saying all I need is just time. So I can find that one job like you suggested, which will allow me to save for first and last and I cushion before we move in.

But I was told time is an excuse, in the 70's my grandpa found a job and a home in 2 weeks. There are no excuses and it's a shame that I can't support my family. When im trying to do just that

I get a job plowing, as well as employment insurance, And an 2nd part time job for weekends

Not good enough

I get another job, to allow me to work during the off days that I'm not plowing plus part time weekend job.

Not good enough

Had to sacrifice ei I can have these jobs.

Still have to be out Jan 1st.

Why is this happening?

The schizophrenic had me by the collar of my jacket pinned against the wall, he was delusional , accusing me of betraying the family. I expressed this to my family who accused me of messing with him.

They are protecting him so the solution is to get angry at me and throw my family out of the house. Even went as far as blaming events that happened with my deceased mother 3 years ago.

I've gotten very frustrated and my stress levels are through the roof. My life is a disaster and a mess.

I am very aware being in that home is detrimental to my health. However we have nowhere else to go.

Does it sound like I'm blaming the world for my problems? Or are the circumstances just extreme and the stress is getting to me.
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#8

Postby umairlooms » Wed Dec 02, 2015 6:45 am

A therapist would say you are blaming the world and not taking control, but I WOULD SAY you certainly might not be in control. The main reason of course, is your daughter, who needs a house on your head. You must realize that you are not the worst person off in the world. There are refugees, people in pathetic situations, battling life and death everyday, but they are moving forward everyday with hope and energy, because they know that is the only way forward.
i suggest you get out and make a plan. Just take out a pen and paper, and write down a plan. You will realize that things will not get better overnight, but when you have a plan, and stick to it, you know you are moving forward. Please do this and focus on your plan.
For you too the ONLY way forward is to keep moving, positively. The problem WILL go away and you certainly have ALL THE ENERGY and INTELLECT to make it happen. YOu WILL GET OVER THIS and grow out STRONGER . I am certain your mind and body are capable of having a plan that will give you a roadmap out of it. I do not believe in my words, I BELIEVE IN YOU
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#9

Postby Introspectah » Wed Dec 02, 2015 3:40 pm

At the moment i will not read the entire series of messages you've typed out, but i am more than willing to get into it if you display a readiness to begin processing your childhood trauma.

Are you?
Or would you rather not fully look into it?
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#10

Postby glebo » Wed Dec 02, 2015 6:02 pm

@umairlooms

Absolutely hit th nail on the head. I have no control over my life. I did precisely what you suggested a wrote down an action plan.

Point A: was where I was in my life at that time. Fired from m job with a weeks notice to move out.

Point b: was where we needed to be. Our own home for our family. I wasn't seeking "perfection" and demanding nothing short of the best. We just needed a home.

Point c: was the steps I needed to get there. A free program at the college, which would leave me with multiple certifications in multiple fields would bring me a level of versatility that I need. A well as networking with employers and the school. The fact that placement would be a paid placement was added bonus. So attend college, work part time to have an income, than spend the winter working and saving to get that home (by home I mean as simple as an apartment. "Perfection" to me is affordable)

@introspectah of course. I would be more than willing to discuss this.

If there is anything you would like to know or any questions I'd be happy to answer.
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#11

Postby umairlooms » Thu Dec 03, 2015 4:41 am

@glebo
That is great! you have a plan, you are smart and you are motivated. that is a recipe for success. with a plan in hand you can now understand that whatever you are going through is a process, a process to achieve a dream. That dream will be realized as you remain focused on getting a great family and a great life for yourself and for your child. It will come to you as you keep moving towards it and you yourself have the capacity to ensure that the daily struggles and problems you deal with simply bounce of you....literally, bounce of you, so you can focus on what is really important. Can you actually see that happening in your mind? The sh** life is throwing at you keeps bouncing of you, keeping your core strong...and you keep moving forward...towards Getting your dream...because dreams are beautiful, and you will have your dream
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#12

Postby Introspectah » Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:20 pm

Around August of last year I made some changes in my life. I just got out of a long term relationship, I wanted a new job, and I gave myself permission to explore human sexuality.


- The prime motivation behind your desire to explore sexuality?

    You described your relationship with Janet as having proceeded well up until January, yet after having read the next chapter of revelation i feel obliged to assume that your estimation of prosperity up to that point did not pertain to the sexuality lived out in between the two of you?

Even more was that I had never seen that side of her. That sexual aggression of being persistent with getting what she wants. Not once did she talk to me like that.


- How do you assess your responsability in setting the stage for a particular facet as opposed to the entirety of her personality to come through?

Can you extrapolate the secrecy and perhaps well-intended restraint of character and information-flow as observed in her behaviour, into the specific manner in which you chose to frame your self in relation to her?

I out the phone down than just sat on my bed chain smoking, my entire body shaking. I scolded myself for snooping, I was hard on myself. The relationship was just fine before this... One of the best I have had...


Was it, or did you fool your self into believing that?
Hence being so hard on your self upon unintentionally breaking the spell of illusion which seemed to serve the function of perpetuating a comfort-zone in which you managed to maintain the idea that no to little effort towards progress was required of you, as the relationship apparantly was close to perfect anyways, but that proved out to be a naïve feat of self-deception, didn't it?

So what could you take away from this specific ordeal so mercilessly imposed upon your self; or should i say, which you so remorselessly worked your self into?
The degree of responsability which you'll be inclined to own dependant upon the belief-system you had been cultivating prior to engaging your self in this relationship.

So i'm naturally inclined to wonder about your track-record---concerning romances, familial & casual affairs.
Of principal relevance the approximate proportion of victimhood to self-empowerment on your scale of self-governance.
For the brief look which the concise account of your experiences has given me thus far leads me to suspect there's a vindictive victim-mentality at play in the unconscious region of your psyche.
Only in your case revenge is, at least so it appears for now, not aimed at external figures but at your self, ''for being such a whimp, such a weakling (..)'', for that is what you believe to be true about your self, isn't it?

I tell you with utmost certainty that you'll never manage to enable your self to fully surrender to love's splendor if you intrinsically, unconsciously hold on to a belief-system which eats away at your self-worth---the solution always being to dive back into the earliest stages of your psyche in this lifetime.
At this point i remember you were the individual who's mention of unresolved emotional trauma i had responded to, so the objective of your soul-endeavour and introspective work clearly manifests itself in front of my first eye.


Just to be clear, i interrupt reading as the required commentary presents itself; i then resume reading as soon as i feel to have written all that was needed to be conveyed.

So now i resume.

She cheated.
She was showing her seriously aggressive and free spirited sexual nature to everyone but me.
The relationship was over.


Did you dare to ask her for it though?
Did you activate -by means of encouragement- the confidence she needed in order to bloom her promiscuous nature?

Can you see how your sexually-centered anxiety (though i still am unaware about the subject & specifics of your anxiety) directly influenced her preferred mode of behaviour towards you?

The woman I knew for over a year and dated several months was headstrong, sociable, approachable, sensual.. I had no idea she was capable of this or how sexually promiscuous or aggressive she was


So you agree that you didn't know her?
But only interacted with a version of her that played into your preferences at that time?
Are you willing to ponder on the underlying motive of upholding such a consequently misinforming, misleading and concealing relationship?

What is it that convinces you that you need to present your self as something/ -one other than your self?
It all comes down to a fundamental invalidation of your self-worth, doesn't it?
Where does it come from?
Do memories of a younger age appear in correlation?
If they don't immediately do, are you willing to set aside some time to dig into the reservoir which constitutes the determining causal elements of your past?

___________________________________________________________
[2nd message]

Her family life is and always has been absolutely brutal. She has no self esteem., suffers from depression, and anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, suicidal tendencies. Sex addiction The works.

I had absolutely no idea. She showed no signs of any of this. To me she was just a wonderful human being and am absolute pleasure to be around.


And the two [face(t)s] don't need to be mutually exclusive.

A light remark on the side:
[Reading like a movie---what a thrill of a ride!
Honestly. Though i don't intend to play down the extremity of the ordeal presented, this whole scenario does (already, to me) display numerous signs of such a typical, proverbial god-given blessing wrapped in a curse.
I speak from personal experience when i assume the arrogance to temporarily undermine that which at this point of the story seems an incomparable hardship which you have to endure, by referring to this challenging phase as a disguised blessing of a divine nature.
It's a conclusion one can only arrive at upon recollection from an elevated and somewhat detached perspective; like we only appreciate the effect of the thunderous rain upon our soil once the sky's cleared up.
]

___________________________________________________________

My concerns lie in why did she do all those things with other men while she was with me, instead of doing them with me.


I understand, my brother.
I understand how damn hard it must be to get over such a terrible violation of a bond of trust, but whatever i say we'll always return to the root of your trust issues, which originate in childhood---with your parents, or caretakers.

Here's a video that might benefit you tremendously:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk6SoSnIzDM

As for the grudges you hold in regards to the violation of your integrity her extortionate acts of ''cheating'' signified, i refer you back to the presently treated subject-related passages in my response on your first post, concerning the level of responsability you hold in [un]wittingly setting a stage for a specific facet of her personality to flourish, while another felt rather uncalled for, unwanted even.

Now you might not have wanted to (in)directly nudge her into suppressing a vital facet of her wholeness, but you nonetheless unwittingly did.
No need to be hard on your self with retrospective bashes---you were unaware of the unconscious regulators of your behaviour.
But it's up to you to learn the lessons indispensably forced upon you, ironically by consequence of your own choices in this lifetime.

And what about her ... the utterly unstable household she grew up in ... the hopelessness in which vortex she waddled with ominous frailty ... the shattering lack of self-worth she's to this day tormented by---how can you blame her for not providing you the love you need to give to your self in the first place?
She isn't to blame for not fulfilling your requirements for love, let alone meeting her own needs!
She's been wandering on the lost path, so were you, and your the zig-zag trail of your foot tracks happened to cross with significant timing.
- - -
She's here in your life, now she is, and there are aspects of her fragmented personality you adore, you admire, that hold you in awe ... there are ways in which she makes you feel so good about your self ... but if you love her for making you feel good, and hate her for making you feel bad .... are you then truly loving her or are you on the lookout for validations which disprove your deepest disbelief in self-worth by appealing to that subdued inkling of self-worth that shines through the cracks like an angel's emanation in the darkest district?

Your entire life has been shaped in the self-image your childhood has gathered.
You have the power to change the image you wish to uphold, the love you wish to radiate and receive and, above all, the example you wish to set for your daughter.

Would you want your daughter to wander in future scenarios on a hopeless hunt for love much like you've been doing?
Would you want your daughter to place the preconditions of activated self-worth on the extent to which selected partners meet her criteria by virtue of repetitive acts of approval?
But wouldn't you want to encourage her to grow into a young woman who loves her self regardless of the approval explicitly publicized by partners of her preference?

By the limited amount of deeply meaningful and multi-layered writing you've exhibited on here, i know you are quite unlike the archetypal victim who's predestined for a fate of self-destruction as you possess that spark of light characteristic of a veritable Warrior which transcends the limitations of human endurance, but i heartfully encourage you to take up my advice and start looking into your own shadow instead of projecting it outward and perpetuating that victim-role which doesn't suit you any longer, certainly not now you've welcomed a daughter, and now that you're also in charge of such a fragile woman for whom i am certain you are capable of being immeasurably significant.

It's a huge task you're facing, but i know you are capable of succeeding.
Just remember to keep your eyes fixed on what's important in the long-run.
Is it truly that important that she cheated on you?
The act of cheating?
Or is what hurt you most of all to see everywhere around confirmed that your inner belief-system of low self-worth holds true after all?

Please don't shy away from taking the desperately needed time for your self, whether that be a quarter or an hour's worth of contemplation, meditation, emotional purging,..., by upholding the excuse that you need to be busy all the time, otherwise you won't make it.

You certainly won't make it if you completely sacrifice your self and disregard your own needs for others.
A crippling sickness could come back at you if you continue like that.


Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? What Did they do for you that I haven't already done?


She could've chosen you as well as the others, if you had been living as a version of your self which catered to her sexual needs.
It was never about them for her.
All she needed was a confirmation of her self-worth which she didn't find with you because you didn't even create an appearance of confirming your own self-worth, so she went in search of someone who gave her what she needed, and it wasn't sex, it wasn't the comparably thick dick you envy, nor was it good looks, no .... all she longed was for someone to make her forget her misery by making her truly feel appreciated through distorted, disingenuous sexual means.

But how could you when you were struggling with your own crippling self-doubts?


Why does the guy you hung out with at the bar once get a threesome. Where me, the guy who took her in to my home at a moment's notice, paid our bills, made sure she's fed etc... Get nothing but told she'd do it again but never for me.


For someone of her disposition it's (was) easier to get sexual with someone she has little to no affinity with, as she hadn't been seeking an emotionally charged sexual encounter, but a quick fix of self-esteem.
Secondly, that hurtful comment of hers came forth out of a highly liable state of being, and who knows, she might've even meant that she wouldn't grant you that side of her, perhaps because she knows she can't get away with engaging in a sexual encounter with you wihtout reactivating her feelings of vulnerability... for you mean much more to her than those one-night stands ever will, as you are ''the guy who took her in to my home at a moment's notice, paid our bills, made sure she's fed etc. (...)'' and might i add, provided a safe haven she'd been ever so long craving for, perhaps even appealed to an aspect of her personality that had been neglected (not in the least by her self) for such an excruciatingly long time---if not excruciating in length of time, then in severity of feeling.



I'm worried about my daughter growing up with separate parent because of this. I can't control the thoughts or how they make me feel.


Arguably in the end-run it could prove to be a better option to grant your daughter a relatively stable divided household instead of a permanent warzone with no contrast or escape, nonetheless balanced out by some positive elements.
_________________

Does it sound like I'm blaming the world for my problems? Or are the circumstances just extreme and the stress is getting to me.


For too long you have neglected the incipient stages of your oncoming problems so that they've been allowed unbridled growth up to a point where the ramifications are hitting you from every angle like Ali in his prime.
I can vaguely visualize how facking tough times must be, but there's a spark of persistence within you ... reconnect with your core values that transcend the woes of current living ... seek for what's eternal and indestructable by circumstance and foe ...
You know what to fight for.
Now look in the places i pointed out and the spaces i opened up.
I ain't gonna beat around the bush---i've identified your abilities and opportunities for growth as accurately as i acknowledge the potentially revolutionary effect of the application of my advice [by your self], but on some levels of existence it takes a sharp turn in the other direction, namely - - - Inwards.


    Self-responsability.

    Initiate the reversal of self-worth.

    Do not expect someone else to love you when you don't love your self.

Even if it takes 5 years without romance, no sex, and little to no external approval of the worth that is indispensably yours, while all the while you find your self in the capacity to be the loving father to your daughter that she's asked for, then the sacrifices will have proven to be worthwile, won't they?

Just don't completely muffle the voice of your needs against the backdrop of your daughter's amiable shrieks ... for what example will a father who sacrifices his own needs set for his daughter?
Even though she might've been unconditionally loved all along, and have reaped massive benefits out of that, she'll still take example out of your prominent patterns of behaviour nonetheless.

So if you don't right-away manage to convince your self of the appropriateness and justness of the call of your needs as pertaining to your individual character, then remind your self that allocating quality time to introverted occasions is as much important to your daughter's prosperity as spending quality time with her is.

__________________________________________________________
Absolutely hit th nail on the head. I have no control over my life. I did precisely what you suggested a wrote down an action plan.


You have no control because overwhelmingly recurring patterns in the earlier stages of your life have convinced you that power's to be found outside of your self while the power's entirely in your hands.

So you do have the power over your life; in fact you have according to the cruel principles of a self-fulfilling prophecy arranged all the circumstances of your life to this day, because [in reference to an earlier statement, written 40-50 min. ago] you have had a hand in the construction of your personality which is entirely based on certain foundations laid during your youth, over which you hold full sovereignty and capability for drastic rearrangement.

I believe in you.

Anything you need, wish to discuss or get out of your system, i'm the unwavering recipient.

Master of resilience, Peace.
- yes, you i am referring to -
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#13

Postby quietvoice » Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:51 pm

the solution always being to dive back into the earliest stages of your psyche in this lifetime.

Understanding that one experiences the feeling of their thinking each moment (100% of time, no exceptions), then where does thinking about unpleasant past experience take you — or to what end, is what I'm asking?

I mean, you are always in the current moment. When you bring up a memory, when you think about a memory, you feel the thinking of that memory. If it's a memory to be best left in the past, what's the point of thinking about it? Right now is a new moment, to have new thinking, to not engage in habitual old thinking. Be present, is what I'm saying. Don't be the past, or you'll be continually spending each present moment in the feelings of the past (old thinking).

Life is much simpler than our personal minds (ego thinking) make it out to be.
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#14

Postby Introspectah » Fri Dec 04, 2015 12:16 am

Understanding that one experiences the feeling of their thinking each moment (100% of time, no exceptions), then where does thinking about unpleasant past experience take you — or to what end, is what I'm asking?


They get you back in touch with unresolved issues which the unconscious mind relentlessly pushes forward as tasks yet to complete, regardless of the preferences you uphold; whether you like it or not you'll have to deal with the backlash of unresolved emotional issues, accessed by the feeling of your thinking in each seemingly disparate moment.

If it's a memory to be best left in the past, what's the point of thinking about it?


One does not leave ''a memory in the past'' for the memory arises in the present as a sign of an emotional imprint established in the past yet carried on throughout the present.

As long as the conscious mind strives forward in disregard of the psyche's essence which stretches throughout time and which finds in the unconscious realm no such time-related limitations, the unconscious mind will continue to draw the conscious attention towards those areas that quite naturally crave at least a moment of honest reflection or attentive emotional care.

Right now is a new moment, to have new thinking, to not engage in habitual old thinking. Be present, is what I'm saying. Don't be the past, or you'll be continually spending each present moment in the feelings of the past (old thinking).


Nostalgically recollecting pleasantly memorable sensations happens in the present.
Co-operatively drawing out plans for the future happens in the present.
The only problem with a focus on any time-period outside of the present is when the present is disregarded in a fugitive pursuit.

Time is non-linear.
Consciousness is timeless.


Don't be the past, or you'll be continually spending each present moment in the feelings of the past (old thinking).


Correction:
Don't continually be the past, or you'll be continually spending each present moment in the feelings of the past (old thinking).

If you want to philosophize, relocate to the private section, and honour the subject of this thread without diverting the subject-matter into a philosophically speculative direction which usually proves to be of little benefit to the questions posed by the originater of the thread.

Furthermore, i'm not looking to reactivate our debate for the memory which connects my mind to a past according to your view advised to be generally neglected and minimized in importance, clearly reminds me of two seperate occasions in which you dropped out of the debate by refusing to undertake the required flexibility of mind to reconsider the validity of your conservatively incumbent belief-system amidst circumstantially called for self-criticism.
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