Apologies for the delayed reply. The holidays have been very busy, particularly with work.
I reciprocate the apologies, as i've taken longer than planned to get back to you.
On one hand I have a beautiful daughter who is the love of my life. I won't leave her with separate parents just because I want to have fun. That would be the most selfish thing I could do in my life.
It would be a good idea to revise your definition of selfishness.
Under what example will your daughter be brought up?
The admirable self-sacrifice in favour of upholding a reliable foundation to function as your daughter's life support, will surely fade against the backdrop of a palpably unstable emotional household.
And as the chasm in mutual understanding between parents grows wider by the day, out of your marital incongruence will arise an impending shadow in which torrent your child will be carried along, as she will inevitably be involved in the growing conflict between the two of you.
So if by virtue of time-travel your matured mind would be enabled to provide counsel to your mother who had back in the day hopelessly decided to remain at your father's side, would you advise her to remain faithful to your father or initiate a break-up regardless of the side-effects she
[and nowadays you] want
(ed) to avoid?
What good is it for a child to grow up under the misguided rule of a disharmonious household?
Aside from maintaining the semblance of stability at home, how many positives colour your list of preference to stay with Janet, as opposed to leaving her?
If my advice is called for, i feel obliged to firmly assert that i foresee more harm than benefit to preside over your child's uprbinging in an intrinsically disharmonious household.
So is it better for a child to grow up under a couple of parents who have nurtured a steadily growing conflict in between them
---which by the way comes with a palpable tension by which the child will certainly be affected, whether or not that tension will remain relatively hidden from plain 'sense'---than to be designated to a fate in which she may at first feel to be divided in between irreconcilably divorced parents,
who nonetheless by virtue of this necessitated seperation
have accessed the opportunity to establish a new, healthier environment for, at first,
their selves to recuperate and rejuvenate,
to then provide a more solid, stable and overall more harmonious environment for the child to grow up in?
[In favour of divorce i must also bring to the table the argument which denotes that a two-fold household may provide a welcome diversity of opinion and atmosphere of which a child that grows under a unified rule may often be bereft.]
Or are you unwaveringly dedicated to maintaining the semblance of unity despite of the festering swamp of dissent and discord which underlies it?So what would it take in order for you to put an end to this relationship which seems to be affecting your life more negatively than it is [affecting you] positively?
I advised you to redefine your definition of selfishness,
and furthermore
to investigate whether this [subconscious]
definition of yours is a product of autonomous discernment or is a lingering remnant of the belief-systems you've acquired in your environment at home.For how can you see selfishness as negative if you are motivated to improve the quality of your own well-being?
For sure, i dig the counter-arguments in view of parental care as a component of abstinence in the context of holistic parenthood, but in my view parents need to set the example from both angles.
You got one angle right, but from the other end you'll be asserting your self as a parent/man who willingly forbids his pleasures
[and thus restricts the flow of his self-love which at any rate needs to infuse parental love for it to be more effectively inspirational] in order to cater to his child's most immediate needs.
And by the way, parental love and self-love are mutually inclusive.Although most parents by far exceed the limits of
normality when it comes to providing their children a love they seem unable to grant their selves, in most conflictuous or ambiguous areas of life you'll come to find that a parent is often limited in the extension of his parental love according to the love (s)he is capable of giving him/herself.
Evidently, in the earlier phases of a child's life many concessions will be made on the parent's behalf, as the youthful ignorance of an immature child is often---rightly so---covered in love's forgiving embrace.But there'll come a time when your baby will've formed a mentality of her own, and will most probably often rise in resistance against you, or will [un]wittingly disrespect or disregard the honourable legacy of the many sacrifices you've made for her all the while.
And then the limitations of your self-love, and by consequence the boundlessness [or boundaries] of your parental love, will be delineated with terrifying clarity.
For you too will one day be presented tough dilemmas to deliberate upon --- whether or not to consent with impulses of hers that yearn to experiment frivolously with desires of her own, for example.
[not unlike the sexually-flavoured conflict you're currently trying to handle honourably]And when she'll one day come to face pivotal cross-roads in life, she'll resort to a type of decision-making which will be largely influenced by the decisions you've made in the past.
[decisions in regards to your ''private'' [sexual] life which nonetheless impact her life as well]Whether or not you would've changed your mind by then, your choices from back in the day
[in this hypothetical, future scenario] [and in this present reality] will have made an indelible imprint on her subconscious psyche, which will inevitably influence her every step of the way along the journey of life, just like your parents have made such an impact upon you that
the imprint they've made upon you to this day still influences your emotional well-being & freedom of thought & speech.
[....]
In subsequence to this segment of mine:
You got one angle right, but from the other end you'll be asserting your self as a parent/man who willingly forbids his pleasures [and thus restricts the flow of his self-love which at any rate needs to infuse parental love for it to be more effectively inspirational] in order to cater to his child's most immediate needs.
And all fair and well, i've nothing to raise against that.
I just wonder what lessons you'll child will in due time take away from the example of self-sacrifice you'll have set for her.
Will she then not have to infer that in order for her to be a succesful parent and partner later on in life, she will have to restrict her self from acting upon what truly excites her, and thus
[restrict her self from] moving in a direction which would only increase her potential for efficient parenthood, if the steps she wishes to undertake in the
right direction do in-deed pay off.
I know that given the current age of my physical body i'm not entirely entitled to assume a stance of apparant superiority over actual parents by asserting my beliefs about parenthood, but i'm most certain about the harmful side-effects such an example would in due time wreak upon children.
It is a sheer misconception that in order to be a fully capable parent you need to cut off a vital element of your being in sacrifice for the greater good of guiding your angel out of childhood, for according to this principle you will teach her to put in accordant sacrifice when she herself becomes parent, while she, according to autonomous discernment, would perhaps not want to disregard her own interests & excitement entirely for the sake of what's considered most beneficial to her child.
So what if you indeed decide to carry on the trend of self-sacrifice which you've been instructed into by [either one of] your oarents, and you find your self somewhere in the near future descended into an abyss of dysphoria that has gradually consumed the heart of your self-worth?
Then you'll have been an excellent parent who's gone to extremities to provide your child all she's needed, yet meanwhile having forsaken your own health by neglecting your innermost needs?
Isn't it then about balance?
Don't you then need to honour your self too?
For is it not by honouring your needs, by enhancing your capacity for self-love, that you will grow more capable to set the example you wish your daughter to be guided by?
Wouldn't a happier, more fulfilled version of your self grow into a more capable parent as well?
Or are you intent on seperating these two vital facets of your life?
It is yours to decide.