the past year. I need help

[glebo]

In regards to my father.

I had sought professional help about those issues as well. I was dealing with those at the same time as my sexual anxiety issues.

I was/still am fully aware of how his influence on my developmental years has affected me in my adult life.

I know very little about him, I never granted him the opportunity to get close to me, and never really allowed any male father figure to get close to me. The one person who I allows to get close when I was younger was my uncle. However he was diagnoses with schizophrenia, so that bond was broken and I distanced myself from him. No one else after that.

When I sought professional help, we focused less on the "why's" of what he did and more on the "how's" of it affecting me and the "whats" I can do about it.

Part of the plan we came up with was forgiveness, acceptance, and moving forward. I had done this, I forgave but didn't forget.

However

I believe Janet mother was a trigger for me bringing it all back. Her mother is a horrible, brutal woman. When I was helping Janet pack when her mother was having her own meltdown. Her mother was in everybody's face yelling and screaming. Janet took it particularly hard. Her mother was throwing everything throughout th house and hitting walls. I had to stop packing grab Janet and we just left.

Currently, this woman Is still horrible. Actively dealing drugs an just makes everyone's life a living hell. I won't let her see her granddaughter. I don't want to introduce my baby to her first drug dealer at just a few months old. So she is responding by lashing out at the family and me, so it's bringing it all back.

Janet refuses to sever ties as "she's my mommy".

In regards to my dad.

The very little I know about him is as follows:

He absolutely hates woman, he hates female kind with a passion.

He has a volatile, hair trigger temper.

He has no filter.

Is generally very angry, all the time.

Nearly killed a man by choking him with his hands for taking an overtime shift at work.

With all that being said

Again, tha professional help I sought and that plan we worked out I feel has been nullified. In fact Janet has been detrimental to my recovery in more ways than one.

Both directly and indirectly

[quietvoice]

So while I'm not living in the past "per'say", it's the past that continued to affect and haunt me.

What do you think "living in the past" means?

The past cannot affect and haunt you unless you have thoughts about that past.

[Introspectah]

'


Excuse the lateness of the response i'm about to compose, glebo.

But first, if you will, let me know if you're still actively engaged in this.
Cause it often happens people disappear for good without having announced their departure.
And that they do not any more react to incoming mail traffic.

[glebo]

@introspectah

Of course I'm still here and actively engaged. No need to apologize.

I eagerly await your response

[Introspectah]

One of those goals was the exploration of sexuality. The professional agreed 100% that it would be a good idea for me to just "get out there" and have fun. And was fully supportive of the idea of doing it in the confines of an exclusive, committed relationship where she knows exactly what is happening.

He said I should also allow myself to be open to the idea of love, and stop fighting it.

Reading this segment instantly reminds me of a point i had made earlier in our exchange of words and feelings, which hasn't lost its relevance:

But what if your freedom of exploration will always be restricted in proportion to the level of cultivated recovery from sexually-oriented post-traumatic distress?

By which i don't mean to discourage you from exploration---certainly not!

Upon reading of her infidelity, as well as her break down. This was absolutely 1000% detrimental and the complete and polar opposite of what I had hoped to achieve.

Don't you think that this unexpected setback resusciitated the formerly buried traces of unresolved emotional wounds that need to resurface if a reintegration of wholeness is the aim?

And while your reaction to the resurfacing of your unresolved emotional issues which have remained dwelling beneath the treshold of your consciousness is comprehensible, it nonetheless is a response which you are in the freedom to revise and readjust to your liking.

Thus it feels to me as if a sound piece of advice is to reflect upon the value to perpetuate the instinctive regression into self-defensive behaviour, as this instinctiual choice denotes a self-harmful defense from a threat which originates not within her violation of your trust, but within the poor level of confidence you have going on within your self, which wouldn't've received a blow if you had resolved the insidious issues of self-confidence and self-worth in the first place.

You get what i mean?

As opposed to being exited about exploration I am now more afraid than ever to even remotely approach the subject matter.

Because the fear of betrayal has flared up ever so viciously.
An ardent fear of betrayal which stems from the betrayal incited by the impertinent intrusion of your father's friend's incontainable impulses---a second, more pertinent layer of the betrayal in regards to your father's imprudence; followed by an impunitive corollary which' burden you continue to drag along with you, as a silently self-destructive ordeal to finish off.

At present, we have a baby, and that baby is the boss. Janet, receive everything she needs from the baby. All her emotional needs from the baby. As a result I never get to spend any real time with her, and she is never in the "mood" to even talk about sex. Every time I try to express my loneliness and feeling of neglect

And has Janet been responsible for these afflictions, or has she merely aggravated them?

Is it her responsability to tend to a loneliness which stems from a deeper, more personal source, which predated your relationship with her? --- and thus partially absolves her from entangled responsability, though it takes two to tango.

My initial goal of exploring and having more fun has turned into being by myself, trapped in the confines of a committed relationship, with little to no chance of anything happening. Traditional sex or otherwise. That's what I was trying to break free from in the first place.

Have you considered extra-marital sexual exploration while maintaining marital fidelity? after having discussed this intent at length with her of course.

Part of the plan we came up with was forgiveness, acceptance, and moving forward. I had done this, I forgave but didn't forget.

As laudable as the intention is, you cannot undertake a leap of faith in order to prematurely establish a spirit of forgiveness if you're still entangled in confusion as to the drive that made him treat you in the way he has.
For as long as you continue to be assailed by lethal doubts as to his fundamental motives, you will be unable to empathize and thus unable to truly forgive him.
You'll merely manage to muster the semblance of forgiveness which functions much like an anesthesia to the conscience.
Yet as we all know, the effect of anesthesis is bound to wear off in due time, subsequent to which you'll be left with the same puzzling conflict to resolve or make sense out of.

So the solution is to trace your father's fundamental resentment as close to its source as you can.
A resentment which has generated an emotional constipation which has been the cause of all the ramifications of his volatility which has used you as cannon fodder.
Not htat your father deliberately decided to target you ... you just happened to to be born in a warzone.

His vicious condemnation of all women obviously stems from excruciating isappointment in his mother.
Take it from here, see where the references at your disposal lead.

Peace

[glebo]

Apologies for the delayed reply. The holidays have been very busy, particularly with work.

The freedom of my exploration is not reflected by my past experiences anymore. Granted before I held my self back, I was afraid.

Now I am no longer afraid per say. I'm no longer afraid to confront my fear and look it straight in the eye. With that comes the excitement of new and exciting experiences. I can compare the feeling t being a child in a toy store with a million dollars.

The freedom of exploration is limited by my partner. Who chose to, upon realizing the magnitude of her indiscretions and the consequences that followed, completely switch off her sexuality and withdrawl inwards.

So, with that being said that kid in a toy store with a million dollars is being kept on a tight leash. And only she has access to that money and refuses to allow me to touch it. Basically window shopping.

I have brought up the idea of an open relationship and the answer was a flat out adamant hell no.

The source of my struggle with janet is the juxtaposition between how she treats me and how she treated the men in her past.

She was very open, adventurous, experimental. She had little to no difficulties. With myself it's a struggle. I liken it to being treated like a gay friend or girlfriend. She will talk about anything but the subject of sex and sexuality is faux pas and causes arguments.

I'm not trying to knock her down or insult her. She was by no means whorish.

The men in her past she would be open and talk to them, and vice versa. They would talk about their experiences, wants, things they want to try, and she would respond in kind. She would even offer to help them with experiences they want and make it happen. It was the same with her relationships, if they wanted to do or try anything she was more than willing to help.

With myself, I can't even approach the subject with her. She no longer talks about sex or sexuality, having sex is a fight in itself. She's just not the same person she used to be. She expressed recently that it seems like everybody wants something, and she views it as a bad thing. The fact that there are things I'd like to try makes her not want to do anything. She expressed her need to only do what she feels like when she wants it. That's why the men in her past were privy to such incredible experiences. They often didn't ask, she just was feeling the need at that time and made it happen. That also explains her lack of desire to even talk about it. She would start the conversations when she felt like it.

So, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand I have a beautiful daughter who is the love of my life. I won't leave her with separate parents just because I want to have fun. That would be the most selfish thing I could do in my life.

On the other hand, i wouldn't even call our relationship a relationship. We have a great friendship and that's about it.

Currently I am unable to trace my father's motives or the sources of his emotional delinquency.

I have had no contact with him since I was 11, nor his side of the family.

My only knowledge of him is from my birth forward, including stuff I wasn't aware of until recently. I gained access to her legal documents that showed me things were far worse than I imagined. It helped me appreciate just how much my mother protected me.

[Introspectah]

Apologies for the delayed reply. The holidays have been very busy, particularly with work.

I reciprocate the apologies, as i've taken longer than planned to get back to you.

On one hand I have a beautiful daughter who is the love of my life. I won't leave her with separate parents just because I want to have fun. That would be the most selfish thing I could do in my life.

It would be a good idea to revise your definition of selfishness.

Under what example will your daughter be brought up?
The admirable self-sacrifice in favour of upholding a reliable foundation to function as your daughter's life support, will surely fade against the backdrop of a palpably unstable emotional household.
And as the chasm in mutual understanding between parents grows wider by the day, out of your marital incongruence will arise an impending shadow in which torrent your child will be carried along, as she will inevitably be involved in the growing conflict between the two of you.

So if by virtue of time-travel your matured mind would be enabled to provide counsel to your mother who had back in the day hopelessly decided to remain at your father's side, would you advise her to remain faithful to your father or initiate a break-up regardless of the side-effects she [and nowadays you] want(ed) to avoid?

What good is it for a child to grow up under the misguided rule of a disharmonious household?

Aside from maintaining the semblance of stability at home, how many positives colour your list of preference to stay with Janet, as opposed to leaving her?

If my advice is called for, i feel obliged to firmly assert that i foresee more harm than benefit to preside over your child's uprbinging in an intrinsically disharmonious household.

So is it better for a child to grow up under a couple of parents who have nurtured a steadily growing conflict in between them---which by the way comes with a palpable tension by which the child will certainly be affected, whether or not that tension will remain relatively hidden from plain 'sense'---than to be designated to a fate in which she may at first feel to be divided in between irreconcilably divorced parents, who nonetheless by virtue of this necessitated seperation have accessed the opportunity to establish a new, healthier environment for, at first, their selves to recuperate and rejuvenate, to then provide a more solid, stable and overall more harmonious environment for the child to grow up in?

[In favour of divorce i must also bring to the table the argument which denotes that a two-fold household may provide a welcome diversity of opinion and atmosphere of which a child that grows under a unified rule may often be bereft.]

Or are you unwaveringly dedicated to maintaining the semblance of unity despite of the festering swamp of dissent and discord which underlies it?
So what would it take in order for you to put an end to this relationship which seems to be affecting your life more negatively than it is [affecting you] positively?

I advised you to redefine your definition of selfishness, and furthermore to investigate whether this [subconscious] definition of yours is a product of autonomous discernment or is a lingering remnant of the belief-systems you've acquired in your environment at home.

For how can you see selfishness as negative if you are motivated to improve the quality of your own well-being?
For sure, i dig the counter-arguments in view of parental care as a component of abstinence in the context of holistic parenthood, but in my view parents need to set the example from both angles.

You got one angle right, but from the other end you'll be asserting your self as a parent/man who willingly forbids his pleasures [and thus restricts the flow of his self-love which at any rate needs to infuse parental love for it to be more effectively inspirational] in order to cater to his child's most immediate needs.

And by the way, parental love and self-love are mutually inclusive.
Although most parents by far exceed the limits of normality when it comes to providing their children a love they seem unable to grant their selves, in most conflictuous or ambiguous areas of life you'll come to find that a parent is often limited in the extension of his parental love according to the love (s)he is capable of giving him/herself.
Evidently, in the earlier phases of a child's life many concessions will be made on the parent's behalf, as the youthful ignorance of an immature child is often---rightly so---covered in love's forgiving embrace.
But there'll come a time when your baby will've formed a mentality of her own, and will most probably often rise in resistance against you, or will [un]wittingly disrespect or disregard the honourable legacy of the many sacrifices you've made for her all the while.
And then the limitations of your self-love, and by consequence the boundlessness [or boundaries] of your parental love, will be delineated with terrifying clarity.

For you too will one day be presented tough dilemmas to deliberate upon --- whether or not to consent with impulses of hers that yearn to experiment frivolously with desires of her own, for example. [not unlike the sexually-flavoured conflict you're currently trying to handle honourably]
And when she'll one day come to face pivotal cross-roads in life, she'll resort to a type of decision-making which will be largely influenced by the decisions you've made in the past.
[decisions in regards to your ''private'' [sexual] life which nonetheless impact her life as well]

Whether or not you would've changed your mind by then, your choices from back in the day [in this hypothetical, future scenario] [and in this present reality] will have made an indelible imprint on her subconscious psyche, which will inevitably influence her every step of the way along the journey of life, just like your parents have made such an impact upon you that the imprint they've made upon you to this day still influences your emotional well-being & freedom of thought & speech.
[....]
In subsequence to this segment of mine:

You got one angle right, but from the other end you'll be asserting your self as a parent/man who willingly forbids his pleasures [and thus restricts the flow of his self-love which at any rate needs to infuse parental love for it to be more effectively inspirational] in order to cater to his child's most immediate needs.

And all fair and well, i've nothing to raise against that.
I just wonder what lessons you'll child will in due time take away from the example of self-sacrifice you'll have set for her.
Will she then not have to infer that in order for her to be a succesful parent and partner later on in life, she will have to restrict her self from acting upon what truly excites her, and thus [restrict her self from] moving in a direction which would only increase her potential for efficient parenthood, if the steps she wishes to undertake in the right direction do in-deed pay off.

I know that given the current age of my physical body i'm not entirely entitled to assume a stance of apparant superiority over actual parents by asserting my beliefs about parenthood, but i'm most certain about the harmful side-effects such an example would in due time wreak upon children.

It is a sheer misconception that in order to be a fully capable parent you need to cut off a vital element of your being in sacrifice for the greater good of guiding your angel out of childhood, for according to this principle you will teach her to put in accordant sacrifice when she herself becomes parent, while she, according to autonomous discernment, would perhaps not want to disregard her own interests & excitement entirely for the sake of what's considered most beneficial to her child.

So what if you indeed decide to carry on the trend of self-sacrifice which you've been instructed into by [either one of] your oarents, and you find your self somewhere in the near future descended into an abyss of dysphoria that has gradually consumed the heart of your self-worth?
Then you'll have been an excellent parent who's gone to extremities to provide your child all she's needed, yet meanwhile having forsaken your own health by neglecting your innermost needs?

Isn't it then about balance?
Don't you then need to honour your self too?
For is it not by honouring your needs, by enhancing your capacity for self-love, that you will grow more capable to set the example you wish your daughter to be guided by?
Wouldn't a happier, more fulfilled version of your self grow into a more capable parent as well?

Or are you intent on seperating these two vital facets of your life?

It is yours to decide.

[Introspectah]

'


I suspect that a fundamental disagreement has galvanized your retreat into silence?

At any rate, all the best to you, companion.