How to stop my sadism towards anorexic women. + Virginity

[Sadistic Vegan]

Hello, my names Xander, I'm 22yrs old and I live in the United States. From ages 19-21 I suffered from a form of orthorexia that put my BMI at 17.1 (5'7" 109lbs), this was after I knew I had gained some weight, and the first time i had weighed myself in years. It took me a long time to figure out that I had an eating disorder but numbers always somehow got through to me (anything else very rarely does.) I ended up discovering that a starch based diet suited human beings best, and adopted a high-carb, low fat vegan diet, this increased my vitality dramatically. After I re-programmed my extremist philosophy in physical training to something more conservative, I began gaining significant muscle mass from weight training. I'm now ~155lbs and never seem to stray from 8-12% body fat. Other than physicality there just seems to be something about my attitude that attracts allot of single women, I've already had a vasectomy and I 'am' really attracted to most of them.

Here's the problem though... I am utterly riddled with sadism, I cannot have any sort of though or action towards them without it being totally insidious. I remember having sadistic qualities pretty much my whole life growing up, during my puberty they really flared up. However their seemed to be a gap during my orthorexia, I realized one day that I had 0 desire for sexual activity, and noticed I couldn't get an erection, I realize now that I had low testosterone, but I thought my sadism was gone because I had just grown out of it or become a different person. Not long after I recovered however it showed up again. I remember just sitting at a computer one day when a random thought of hurting people literally just popped into my head, and I instantly responded to it with "powerful," "internal amusement." We had a family holiday gathering at my house some time later, there were some children there and I was constantly interrupted with thoughts of stabbing two of the females in separate, nearby rooms. One was 10-12, and the other was about 14. I thought about the latter in a more intimate and seductive way because I think she took a slight interest in me. I though about the former in a more violent way because I knew she hated me on behalf of a fear that she had developed for me the previous year. I don't know how, as I had never interacted with her; but she seemed to conclude that I was a very bad person, and noticeably kept herself and the younger children very clear of me when no other adults where around. Heard her family mentioned it once to my parents, and apologized for it. Anyway I finally gave into my feelings and fantasized about them quite intensely towards the end of the night, and after that I knew it was back for sure.

Today I live on my own and this unexpectedly keeps the women that approach me interested for much longer. I love that multiple beautiful women are interested in me and I've went on dates with a few of them but none of them have been alone with me in my house, and I have almost 0 doubts sometimes that I will start to hurting them if we try to have sex. This has had me keep my virginity since moving out, which I'm really fine with but there's allot of pressure for it to happen and I'm trying to do it under some sort of control. This part turned out to be longer than I though, so if you wonder where the anorexic women come in, I'll talk about that next if this gets a genuine response from someone. To sum it up I developed a sadistic obsession with them after scouring the online community of people with past eating disorders and coming across active anorexic you-tubers that I initially felt the urge to help, but then very quickly saw the opportunity to hurt, and helplessly became more interested in that. As if things couldn't get any more perpetuated I have now just met one... I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am already completely "unable" to come up with an approach that I "know" is non-insidious.

Any professional or experienced advice would help, Xander.

[tokeless]

Sounds quite distressing and yet disturbing. Have you ever thought of speaking to a professional rather than random people on an internet forum?
What stops you from acting this stuff out?

[Sadistic Vegan]

Sounds quite distressing and yet disturbing. Have you ever thought of speaking to a professional rather than random people on an internet forum?
What stops you from acting this stuff out?

To be honest, I have more confidence in the combined experience of countless individuals (many of which could be professionals), than just one proffesional. I also get very sceptacle of the capabilities and intentions of standard pscycologists, so I'll never tell one of them the truth without total anonimity.

I'll admit that there's not much to stop me from acting these things out, but I'm a logical person, and I know there's no purpose in being a sadistic murderer, just want to make sure I don't turn out that way (I don't trust typicall professionals, they are blinded by income, and industry). I see allot of problems in the world and wish to contribute to humanity. As of now though, I would like to experience the romantic aspects of life, just not sure how.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

Join a local BDSM community. Ask for some advice on how to:

-1- Meet a partner compatible with your fetish and;
-2- How to handle the fetish safely.

[Sadistic Vegan]

Join a local BDSM community. Ask for some advice on how to:

-1- Meet a partner compatible with your fetish and;
-2- How to handle the fetish safely.

This actually 'is' a good idea, but if I 'do' join a BDSM community, things could get out of control pretty fast. I say this because my sadism constantly drives me to do things that are going to horrify others. Also, I have had this condition far before puberty. In fact I remember being perturbed with the opportunity to start murdering when I was about 8, as I could run free with it for a short time, and then probably have a chance to do it again after being released. So I'm convinced its different from a fetish. I remember when I experienced real sexuality for the first time, it was pleasing to me, but it didn't really infatuate me. It was more just something that accompanied my sadism. I'm not saying that I couldn't obey the rules, I just know how tempting it would be to break them, so I just have to make sure that its not "completely the wrong direction."

In the meantime, I've registered to a few BDSM sites and posted about this discussion there. I've not the membership rank to post the links yet, but most of them wouldn't be allowed in these forums anyway.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

This actually 'is' a good idea, but if I 'do' join a BDSM community, things could get out of control pretty fast.

True. I don't mean for you to find a place to hide or obscure your behaviors as acceptable. Actual sadism with a nonconsensual person is not acceptable. Note a difference between thoughts/behaviors. I think at this point you seem to be able to control your behavior.

[Introspectah]

'


To start if off - - - fantastic name!

I've already had a vasectomy and I 'am' really attracted to most of them.

A vasectomy?
Why?

I remember having sadistic qualities pretty much my whole life growing up, during my puberty they really flared up

''Pretty much'' isn't going to pass as a roughly accurate identification of the onset of your sadistic inclination.
I encourage you to delve a little deeper in your memories, and to try avoid misleading your self by assuming there's been no more to your life than your most familiar memories make seem.

For memories to grow prominent all that's needed is a repetitively increased attention on them; a memory is dug, with love it is kept; a memory stuns, under the rug it's swept.
Think about this for a minute.

Our personality is entirely based on our selective discrimination in between the favourable and infavourable.
Take away all mental memories and emotional imprints and there'd be little to no traces of sadism left within you.

I love that multiple beautiful women are interested in me and I've went on dates with a few of them but none of them have been alone with me in my house, and I have almost 0 doubts sometimes that I will start to hurting them if we try to have sex.

If your imagination would be allow free reign, what sort of sexually-oriented infliction upon a woman would thrill you most of all?

To sum it up I developed a sadistic obsession with them after scouring the online community of people with past eating disorders and coming across active anorexic you-tubers that I initially felt the urge to help, but then very quickly saw the opportunity to hurt, and helplessly became more interested in that.

So have you yet reflected on the possibility of you having subconsciously assigned a positive value to deliberate infliction of pain on others?
Extend the point of reference into a line which travels back into your memories of your youth and the imprint which parental influence has left on you.
If you take the time to ponder deeply, while remaining open for any sort of clue to pass within a memory, do you notice any sort of remembrance of a situation which has instilled within you an inkling that pain is good?
Having been taught a lesson by means of pain, for instance?

Any sexually-oriented memories dating back to childhood?
Let me know if you're willing to engage in a humble form of past-regressive therapy, and in case you've already undertaken a small memory analysis, if you've come across a form of a clue, no matter how seemingly vague or unrelated at first.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am already completely "unable" to come up with an approach that I "know" is non-insidious.

Why not be openly insidious, if you feel compelled to behave as such?
This way people know what to expect, and you decrease the burden of the fossils in your backpack.

[Sadistic Vegan]

Introspectah..... ^That^..... was the answer I was looking for, I'm on a nocturnal schedule right now, so I have to go to sleep, but I'll carry out your advice seriously and get back to you.

But you're saying that "sadism", like sociopathy, is a disorder that is "developed", and not something you're born with?

I also realize now, that this process was never meant to be easy, and that there's no way to get this under control without a cretin amount of misery.

[Introspectah]

I also realize now, that this process was never meant to be easy, and that there's no way to get this under control without a cretin amount of misery.

The easiness with which you proceed will depend entirely upon the extent to which you resist the natural dynamic of your psycho-emotional experiences.

Misery is just another part of the soulfully holistic life, and has as much valuable stuff to contribute as joy and love do.

On Joy and Sorrow
from
The Prophet
by Khalil Gibran
Knopf

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the reassure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

But you're saying that "sadism", like sociopathy, is a disorder that is "developed", and not something you're born with?

Entirely.
I can hardly imagine a sadistic baby, or a baby with sadistic fantasies [wherefrom acquired?] ... though conditions of life can be arranged in such a way as to lead the newborn into a predetermined fate of acquired sadism ... full responsability to the choices of the parents.

It's not so much about materialistically objective inherited genetics as it is about a certain type of energy pattern which predominates the household in which the baby will be brought up, hence it's susceptible to all kinds of harmful influences that it absorbs autonomously, since according to my corroborated judgement newborns don't develop a filter [i.e. capacity for relatively independent discernment] until around the age of 6.

But much more can and should be said about this subject if the aim is to sketch a complete picture, of which i've now only illustrated a tiny fragment.

[umairlooms]

I used to have horrible, horrible, fantasies when I was a kid, ended up mildly hurting a few girls, but it went away after i realized the joy of pleasuring a woman.

[Sadistic Vegan]

'


To start if off - - - fantastic name!

I've already had a vasectomy and I 'am' really attracted to most of them.

A vasectomy?
Why?

Simple logic, the world is severely overpopulated, there's too many people starving, and there's well over 150 million orphans right now.

As for my personal reasoning, aside from one study that just barely indicates a slightly elevated risk of prostate cancer in men that have the procedure(which does not apply to me as a vegan); there are virtually no drawbacks to it. You can still ejaculate, and there is no noticeable difference to your ejaculate whatsoever. The procedure is also shown to cause a slight but permanent testosterone increase.

I remember having sadistic qualities pretty much my whole life growing up, during my puberty they really flared up

''Pretty much'' isn't going to pass as a roughly accurate identification of the onset of your sadistic inclination.
I encourage you to delve a little deeper in your memories, and to try avoid misleading your self by assuming there's been no more to your life than your most familiar memories make seem.

For memories to grow prominent all that's needed is a repetitively increased attention on them; a memory is dug, with love it is kept; a memory stuns, under the rug it's swept.
Think about this for a minute.

Our personality is entirely based on our selective discrimination in between the favourable and infavourable.
Take away all mental memories and emotional imprints and there'd be little to no traces of sadism left within you.

As you've suggested, I did some deeper thinking about my past, I hate thinking about it, so it took awhile. Anyway I ended up with this, it's over five pages; so it's going to take time out of your day, but I needed to be honest about everything.

I do know there’s more to myself than my sadistic desires and intentions, although it is a very solid piece of my personality; one that I started developing so early on, that I honestly can't even remember not having it(aside from the pinnacle point in my orthorexia of course.). Violent and gruesome thoughts aren’t the only earliest memories I have, but they go back as far as any of the others.

I do remember trying but failing to relate to people by, “opening up” “as they say,” from my earliest memories, and onwards. These would be the unfavorable memories I’d say that I more: “shove down the stairs”, than “sweep under the rug.”

As a baby/child this; “opening up” that I’m talking about, merely consisted of me being more outgoing. It never seemed to work though, I remember thinking that manslaughter was permissible for small offenses, such as petty theft or trespassing. I literally thought that people killing each other over these things was a accepted everywhere, and didn’t realize that society was, “and was expected to be”: far more civilized.
When adults tried to explain this to me, I just didn’t see the reasoning behind it. I was very kratocratic, and I didn’t like that I was not allowed to express myself in that way, anything else felt too contrived; so when me and my friends played with people, I often got way too rough. I wasn't a bully by any means, but any time I saw the slightest excuse during play time: I would push the boundaries. I never got far though, because whenever I would grab or….. -this might look ridiculous and I normally wouldn't write it off hand in the middle of text like this, but something literally just surfaced in my memory that actually makes what I was about to just say, incorrect... I think I was either 5 or 7, but I attempted to hurt a girl pretty badly one day in an adjacent neighborhood, I forgot about this completely many years ago, probably because of the response it caused. I don’t want to post about it here, because if any family members come accross this, they would recognize the details.-
But in typical incidents my friends would actually help other kids up that were previously attacking them, because of how brutal I was in sending them to the ground. When I saw my friends suddenly stop and express mercy and compassion for these people, I always knew I had crossed a boundary and felt deeply unrelatable to them in those moments, as I saw how sorry my friend felt for the other person, but I could not feel the same way. These friends were people I had close attachments to, and I wanted us to be alike, but I would later learn to let that go, which probably worsened my internal personality, but it made my life less complicated... I just stopped trying to relate emotionally.

As a teenager this “opening up” simply became about: me being more outspoken. It never involved my sadistic qualities, as I already saw how offended and confused people were by my opinions in real conversations, and rarely decided to go that far. The more I tried to explain my viewpoints to these people, the more perpetuated and lost they seemed to get (aside from discouraging me, this internally infuriated me if the person had outright asked for my opinion).
After I saw that they could not relate to my views, I would try to relate to them by “developing an understanding of theirs.” This was challenging at first, but it soon became a valuable skill I would use to survive(and sometimes even thrive) socially. But eventually, I saw: that while I could adapt to literally anybody’s viewpoint with this tool, others could not do this with one another, regardless of me trying to explain/teach the skill to some of them (their emotions, which I never understood, seemed to overwhelm their processing). So naturally I just used the skill for a way to survive in social environments like work and school. I simply used it on everyone I met. This kept me in a strange state of being seen as everybody's friend, but really being; everybody’s enemy, since I once again, could not relate to anyone. I remember pondering over how much some of them trusted me, the only time I thought of risking my life to save one of them would be if there was an opportunity to participate in violence, if things got boring, I started yearning to suddenly kill them.

So I’m not sure, but I think there are many negative or dull “social” experiences that could be some of the unfavorable memories I’d need to deal with. I was never physically abused by anyone, and I actually had a very safe and secure upbringing -almost completely devoid of exogenous violence, and yet not entirely strict.-

I’ve actually done this^ process a few times before but I can't really get it to work.

I love that multiple beautiful women are interested in me and I've went on dates with a few of them but none of them have been alone with me in my house, and I have almost 0 doubts sometimes that I will start to hurting them if we try to have sex.

If your imagination would be allow free reign, what sort of sexually-oriented infliction upon a woman would thrill you most of all?

It depends entirely upon their body type and personality, as well as any personal issues or extreme fears they might have. If they are incredibly lean, athletic, and healthy(aside from their animal based diet), the most typical thing I’d be interested in is: after getting them to start having voluntary sex, maneuver them up into a standing missionary style position, and propping them up against a waist level desk or dresser. As we had sex, I’d take a large knife hidden on the surface behind them, bring it around their neck, and quickly slice open their right jugular. Then I'd immediately bring the knife between us and slowly drive it into her chest 1 or 2 inches at a time. I’d remove it, and allow the massive blood flow I’d expect, to run down across her body. I’d get against her body and enjoy the flow of warm blood for a moment. I'd lift her off of my peins and slam her back-first onto the surface of the dresser, then press and release on her wounds to play with the blood flow; watching and feeling her die.

The thing that would probably thrill me the most is almost impossible to decide as I am not currently obsessed with this type of woman, but I do have a larger fascination with performing an aztec style heart extraction in this position, in which I’d use a smaller knife to make an incision at the lower torso, and insert my left forearm up into her rib cage to grab her heart. Only I’d gently squeeze the heart repeatedly, feeling it beat and perturb its rhythm for as long as she was conscious, then I'd eventually pull it out. If I could do the process again with another woman; I’d smash one of her lungs by squeezing it with my hand and swallow any blood that came up through her teeth. Then I'd move on to a form of cannibalism, by biting into her upper body, and tearing pieces of muscle and flesh away from her shoulders and neck; sucking each piece dry of blood before opening my mouth and letting it fall onto her body as she was suffering -repeating that process until deciding to kill her with a stab through her C1 vertebra.

When it comes to anorexic women, I always think of starting by spiking their food or drink with enough sugar to restart their pituitary gland, and seduce them. I’d want it to happen in their house because I’d get to see a much stronger picture of their insecurities as I looked around. I’d let her take us to the bedroom, where we’d talk first so I could get an even larger view of her insecurities to revel in. I’d ask her innocent questions about her life and family that I know she would be uncomfortable with, as they would run too close to her eating disorder. I would avoid “upsetting” her however; I’d want her to be as excited and eager as possible when it came time.

I used to imagine asphyxiating them with a thin bed sheet wrapped tightly around the torso while in the middle of sex. I'd I put my mouth up to their thin pale lips(and maybe gently bite them a little) to feel each exhalation I let them have. I would pull her off my penis before she died and I would not allow myself to ejaculate, although as a virgin I can’t know how that would go.

However if I could do, truly anything I wanted in that same situation: I would have a small retractable knife with me -small enough to conceal in my hand and in different parts of the bed; but sharp enough for dissection- I’d go very fast paced at first, moving her around different parts of the bed, and performing various sexual actions on her to expend her energy as much as possible.

Then I’d become very intimate with her, and start kissing her during the sex. I’d lift her off of the bed with me and take her over to a ‘below waist level’ surface near the the wall, (looking into her face and eyes on the way.) I’d have the weapon in my hand at this point, but I’d not let her feel it, and would only touch her back with the wrist of that hand. Once to the wall, and, ‘thigh level surface’(probably her nightstand): I’d prop her back straight up against the wall, and start thrusting her at medium and slow paces. I'd also begin kissing her again. I’d stop the kissing off and on to look her in the eyes. (I’d try to get her to start forming a strong and powerful attachment to me… and then I’d act.)

I’d simply start kissing her vehemently, while I brought the weapon down to her lower abdomen. Then I’d pull my mouth away and quickly dig a small incision in her stomach, throw the blade on the floor, and then stick my fingers in, and pull out a strand of her small intestine -(She’d be fully aware and conscious while I was doing this and there’d be minimal bleeding.)- I’d start pulling more and more of it out, lift her off of the wall, and start draping the entrails over her upper body, gently wrapping some around her torso and neck -(all of this would be done very quickly, and before she had much of a chance to react to what was happening)- I’d then lift her off of me, and sit her down on the nightstand to look at her, and watch her reaction. If she was overwhelmed with shock, horror, and fear I would kneel down and get her to look at me.
Then, getting up close with the blade, I would lean her back and hold her in place just above the surface of the nightstand. Pressing her, -draped with her warm intestines- firmly against my body while I slowly stab her in one place after another. I’d lower her intermittently so that my body heat wouldn't even out the other temperatures, and then press her back up against me while continuing to stab her in several different places, and prolong her death as much as possible.
I’m certain that, as an anorexic, she would simply not have the energy for instincts...Still though, if she somehow did find the energy and willpower to fight back at any point, I’d do whatever I needed to take control of the situation. This would most likely consist of choking her and throwing her on the floor several times, after that I’d be turned off sexually, and, if still conscious, I’d put her on the bed and start breaking and dislocating her joints by twisting her limbs around, I know that this would cause incredible pain, suffering, and terror, and produce lots of screaming(all of which would be exciting to me.) I would not stop until all her limbs were broken at the joints(I wouldn't be doing this out of anger, but simply as an alternative experience, I don't understand how someone can get mad at their victim, whatever happens is your own fault.) She’d probably pass out by now, so I’d try to revive her. If she came back I’d get very close to her face and slowly pop her neck. If she didn’t, I’d just break her neck by violently twisting her head.


If I lived in a fantasy world I’d just prefer one live victim after another, but in real life, if, and only if, I knew I had the time and privacy, I’d probably practice mutilating the body.

I also have emetophilic desires in these fantasies (though they would have to be involuntary)

The way these start before the sex, and the women in them, are all real things in my current life. But everything else is a fantasy.

To sum it up I developed a sadistic obsession with them after scouring the online community of people with past eating disorders and coming across active anorexic you-tubers that I initially felt the urge to help, but then very quickly saw the opportunity to hurt, and helplessly became more interested in that.

So have you yet reflected on the possibility of you having subconsciously assigned a positive value to deliberate infliction of pain on others?
Extend the point of reference into a line which travels back into your memories of your youth and the imprint which parental influence has left on you.
If you take the time to ponder deeply, while remaining open for any sort of clue to pass within a memory, do you notice any sort of remembrance of a situation which has instilled within you an inkling that pain is good?
Having been taught a lesson by means of pain, for instance?

Actually no, I know that “consciously” I can’t assign any positive “value” to it whatsoever, obviously “deliberate infliction of pain on others” produces positive emotions for me, but my logic says such a characteristic is useless and wasteful, and therefore a weakness; all my other characteristics have clear advantages/values to them, if they don't, I get rid of them.

In my very early youth I remember being told stories about what would happen to you if you misbehaved enough or did forbidden things. They involved ghosts, monsters, and witches. I of course believed them, as well as religious stories. I also remember watching horror films and violent action movies a lot(which may have shown that: whoever killed the most people, always survived the most.) while children I was growing up with, were totally forbidden to watch such things.

I don't know whether or not I've “subconsciously” assigned a positive value to “deliberate infliction of pain on others” I'm very uncomfortable with self-subconscious analyzation because it gets infinitely complex for me to try interpreting what a subconscious would do, and I get nowhere. But I do notice that every time something bad happens to someone in I know, my life starts going better.

Maybe in a subtle way, yes. I was never physically abused. The most significant specific memory was: hearing in elementary school; that in one teacher's class, if you could take 3 hits with a special wooden board without crying he would give you straight A’s all year and no class work. You could volunteer to try this, and supposedly there had been a few people that had actually won the offer, and collected on it. I remember considering how to do this(I hated schooling with an absolute passion.), but the next year I was not place in his class.

I'd see that people needed to handle pain to survive interrogations in films from early on.

As a teenager, I discovered on my own that -“physical pain”- was far better than all the other kinds, and I eventually became “very” attached to it.

Any sexually-oriented memories dating back to childhood?

Yes, however details there also, could be recognized by family members.

Let me know if you're willing to engage in a humble form of past-regressive therapy, and in case you've already undertaken a small memory analysis, if you've come across a form of a clue, no matter how seemingly vague or unrelated at first.

I don't do well “at all” when I try to solve this problem by looking into my past. I usually try to find ways to make my past irrelevant, by destroying it with what I do in the future, but I’ve never had someone else analyze my past; also I once spoke with a psychologist about my future for a year or more, and that obviously got nowhere(I wasn't interested in changing then either) so I might be willing to participate in this therapy you're talking about, just know that I'm not here to satisfy anyone with gratitude, or grant them false implications of success… and please realize that you're talking to someone who is both a sadist, and a sociopath, and will not care how you feel; if you can't handle this, or are going to take anything personally, I recommend you don't get involved with trying to help me.

I don't have any one clue that sticks out, seems to be just lots of small things. There's also many large blank spots, some a result of so much metabolic abuse during my orthorexia. Others I remember locking out years ago, after they resurfaced.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am already completely "unable" to come up with an approach that I "know" is non-insidious.

Why not be openly insidious, if you feel compelled to behave as such?
This way people know what to expect, and you decrease the burden of the fossils in your backpack.

I would like to, but this is someone rather unique, and I'd like to think there's a chance for me in the future with her. From what I've seen, there's no coming back from informing a woman that you have uncontrollable intentions to hurt her in some way.

I have done this as a sociopath with those close to me before, and they did not respond well. They tried to make me say it wasn't true, and asked me questions about what I would do in different scenarios. After I answered honestly, they got uncomfortable and changed the subject; I felt like they never wanted to know about it again(but then they go on asking me “why I do this”, or “why I do that”).

[Sadistic Vegan]

it went away after i realized the joy of pleasuring a woman.

That's what I'm trying to accomplish, how did you discover it though? Did your diet or caloric intake change before it went away? How long has it been gone?

[Introspectah]

Simple logic, the world is severely overpopulated, there's too many people starving, and there's well over 150 million orphans right now.

As for my personal reasoning, aside from one study that just barely indicates a slightly elevated risk of prostate cancer in men that have the procedure(which does not apply to me as a vegan); there are virtually no drawbacks to it. You can still ejaculate, and there is no noticeable difference to your ejaculate whatsoever. The procedure is also shown to cause a slight but permanent testosterone increase.

I understand.

Perhaps another part of your motivation is directly related to the fear of the prospect of ever generating offspirng?

As you've suggested, I did some deeper thinking about my past, I hate thinking about it, so it took awhile. Anyway I ended up with this, it's over five pages; so it's going to take time out of your day, but I needed to be honest about everything.

Even if i were to have to sit through a read-and-write session of 3 hours to support you in the indispensable process of honestly reflecting and reprocessing the meaningfulness of your past experiences, i would gladly make the sacrifice.
_______________

The fourth passage of your message a reveals a moral standard which most likely must've been set by the values conveyed in your upbringing.

Do you have recollections of being punished with a rigidty which upon mature re-evaluation seems excessively unforgiving?

Your behavioral tendencies as depicted in your reminiscences also denote a proclivity for vengeance for---i assume---the unjust punishment you've felt to be victimized by in growing up.

This proclivity for vengeance with an inception to my observation and evaluation currently unknown [although i may receive extra detail further down the message (as i intermittently stop to impart commentary as i am in the process of reading)] may constitute the root of your predisposition to sadistic affinity.

As a teenager this “opening up” simply became about: me being more outspoken. It never involved my sadistic qualities, as I already saw how offended and confused people were by my opinions in real conversations, and rarely decided to go that far.

Thereby and henceforth you decided to conform to the seemingly natural dynamic recurrent all around by maladaptively reversing the psychic dynamic most prominent within you, carried along as lingering effect of---i assume---a drastically unsettling emotional imprint which has naturally sought to integrate itself through incrementally intensified sadistic fantasy.

Hence it is only because you never found the support and opportunity to address the root your psycho-emotional wounds that the unconsciously originated fantasies increased with incremental step---steadily increasing in severity and oddity as to enhanche the odds to drawing your attention towards the unresolved troublesome dynamic underlying your obsession with the seemingly odd, which will upon reintegration turn out to appear far from odd and insignificant.

the only time I thought of risking my life to save one of them would be if there was an opportunity to participate in violence, if things got boring, I started yearning to suddenly kill them.

The proclivity for vengeance of seemingly unidentifiable origin.

I reckon the source to be found in your recollections of having felt to be greatly unjustly victimized, by circumstance or related authority?

So I’m not sure, but I think there are many negative or dull “social” experiences that could be some of the unfavorable memories I’d need to deal with. I was never physically abused by anyone, and I actually had a very safe and secure upbringing -almost completely devoid of exogenous violence, and yet not entirely strict.-

I’ve actually done this^ process a few times before but I can't really get it to work.

The process of past-regressive self-therapy?

If so, then i have a valuable tip to share.

If you happen to be fully willing to revoke the sensations resulted out of the original emotional wound, arrange a setting which to you has been familiarized as most conducive to comfort and enhanced bravery amidst the arrival of recurrent, intense emotion, and set the intention to reawaken the feelings and memories you wish to recollect and revisit.

Now what's most important is to withdraw the need to concretize expectations as to how exactly the memories could present them selves, as they may not be arranged visually but might very well resurface as a bodily symptom, or might be carried along in a haze of smell, or in whatever way the link to the event has been solidified in your unconscious psyche.

In most cases visual / mental memory only dates back to a certain age, around 3 or 4 i believe, whereas memories of a younger age are inclined to resurface by other means.

I am fairly confident when i assert that the memory will resurface as soon as you explicitly express the intention with ardent zeal --- yet all will depend on how flexibly you will allow your awareness to be in intercepting and interpreting the signals as they resurface, at first perhaps in ever such a subdued, subliminal trend.

It depends entirely upon their body type and personality, as well as any personal issues or extreme fears they might have.

This reaffirms and elaborates my cultivated premonition which implies that your proclivity for vengeance is on the hunt to destroy those aspects of your self---which you have either been conditionned, or conditionned your self to invalidate and suppress---reappeared in the reflection of these characteristics you see resurfaced in the undesirable likeness of others.

So every time your instinct flares in disgust of and vehement opposition to characteristics externally presented, reverse the barrel unto the target of your self; while taking care to unload the ammo, and look for similarities in those aspects of your self which you'd also feel compelled to subvert or eliminate.

But it may be so that instinct for self-preservation has led you to externalize the threat.

When it comes to anorexic women, I always think of starting by spiking their food or drink with enough sugar to restart their pituitary gland, and seduce them. I’d want it to happen in their house because I’d get to see a much stronger picture of their insecurities as I looked around.

And how, do you feel, would the knowledge of their uncertainties affect the inclination of your [by then, i suppose, already elaborated] fantasy?

I’d ask her innocent questions about her life and family that I know she would be uncomfortable with, as they would run too close to her eating disorder.

I sense a reference to a pattern of the past hidden in this innate sense of security of yours---as to enjoy a level of expertise a certain background and experience is required.
So do you want to take a moment, if that happens to be needed, to perform an excercise of flexibly searching for connections in between the dots which, i sense, might be leading back to a certain experience of yours where:
(1) either you your self have felt to be victimized by a violation of your integrity by an individual whom you had put faith in, or
2) where you had performed a similar violation, perhaps of a lesser severity, which has provided you the necessary information to set as basis for continuation through experimental visualization, as preparation to being acted out once the opportunity would present itself?

Has your objective been to act out your fantasies?
Have you ever been on the edge of performance; and if so, what has refrained you from acting out your plans?

I would pull her off my penis before she died and I would not allow myself to ejaculate, although as a virgin I can’t know how that would go.

he he he. The punch line in the bolded segment made me chuckle.
____________________________________

Do you have a faint remembrance of the approximate time and perhaps the setting/environment which had led you to entertain fantasies of such an orientation?

Does related date come along the reminiscence of the inception of it?

Once to the wall, and, ‘thigh level surface’(probably her nightstand): I’d prop her back straight up against the wall, and start thrusting her at medium and slow paces. I'd also begin kissing her again. I’d stop the kissing off and on to look her in the eyes. (I’d try to get her to start forming a strong and powerful attachment to me… and then I’d act.)

Here i once more notice the recurrence of the emotional pattern of vengeful resentment towards the violation of attachment in intimacy.
The breach of privacy.
The insatiable drive to transgress another's attachment towards you, which, given the framework of knowledge i make reference to, leads me to speculate that the underlying motivation for this violation is to be found in the violation of your attachment towards another being that has once been inflicted upon you.

I may not be entirely hitting the right nail, but i sense i'm close to it.

For, think about it, would you be as aroused if she were not as attached and dependant upon you?
If you knew you couldn't hurt her emotions as much?
______________________

Departing from the trend set by Freud's frivolous inventions, mixed up with more astutely attuned theoretic guidances, i've come to learn that sexual attraction is not, as Freud so erroneously concluded, a natural prerequisite to the relationship between the child and parent of opposing sexe, but that sexual attraction results out of a dyfunctional parent-child dynamic ---- wherefrom the child develops a distorted fascination for the sexuality embodied by beings of the gender of the parent with whom has a dysfunctional relationship-dynamic been developed.
(this being, according to my unripened conceptions and estimations, the determinant of a certain percentage of cases of homosexuality or other deviances of sexual preference --- apart from homosexuality being an apparant purposive phenomenon in regards to the problem of procreation as alluded to by the subject-matter of your brief introduction.)

Speaking of which, i invite you to perform a feat of active imagination in which you make as object of wonder and creative speculation, the question which pertains to a part of the symbology to your vasectomy as being the cutting of the link to your inner child?
An inner child which would be aroused by the arrival of a child into your life.
Although, after having read up on the intricacy of your fantasy, it might as well be that you couldn't see your self being attracted to a female to such an extent as to want to procreate with her, without wanting to inflict harm upon her.

Perhaps the reality of a pregnancy would bring some sense into the cruelty of your fantasies, and make you question whether they'd deserve to be perpetuated in the prospect of nurturing a child?

Openly speculating here.

The method of active imagination is known to be ever so efficient in expanding the depth with which we allow our selves to deepen out the profundity of our conception of phenomena recurrent within the self.

I’d simply start kissing her vehemently, while I brought the weapon down to her lower abdomen. Then I’d pull my mouth away and quickly dig a small incision in her stomach, throw the blade on the floor, and then stick my fingers in, and pull out a strand of her small intestine -(She’d be fully aware and conscious while I was doing this and there’d be minimal bleeding.)- I’d start pulling more and more of it out, lift her off of the wall, and start draping the entrails over her upper body, gently wrapping some around her torso and neck -(all of this would be done very quickly, and before she had much of a chance to react to what was happening)-

Have you ever wondered how you would react in case the object of your experimentation and infliction were to find the ability to muster a reaction her self?
Like a bursting of tears? Cries of terror?
Begs for mercy? Physical retalliation in the form of biting, for instance?

Had already written the above before having come up to this:

I’m certain that, as an anorexic, she would simply not have the energy for instincts...Still though, if she somehow did find the energy and willpower to fight back at any point, I’d do whatever I needed to take control of the situation.

So you'd say that a large part of your motivation to select an anorexic woman was to avoid the risk of retalliation?

I know that this would cause incredible pain, suffering, and terror, and produce lots of screaming(all of which would be exciting to me.)

And crying?
What if she were to say that she very well knew that the reason why you've been doing this to her because you were taking revenge for having felt to be deeply violated in your intimacy as a youngin'?
What if she were to call you weak?
A coward?
What if she were to ask why you didn't select a tougher opponent, and picked the weakest out of the link?

How would you react?

I suggest you recall the fantasies before you muster a response, so that you're fully immersed in that particular emotional vibration as you are conceiving of the possible form your reaction towards her would take.

Any sexually-oriented memories dating back to childhood?

Yes, however details there also, could be recognized by family members.

I invite you to specify the nature of the sexually-oriented memories.

but I’ve never had someone else analyze my past; also I once spoke with a psychologist about my future for a year or more, and that obviously got nowhere(I wasn't interested in changing then either) so I might be willing to participate in this therapy you're talking about, just know that I'm not here to satisfy anyone with gratitude, or grant them false implications of success…

No worries.

I ain't about that.
I ain't even bent on encouraging you to change your ways.
My intent is to provide assistance in diving deeper into the reality of your unconscious mind which undoubtedly harbors all the solutions to the conundrums you wish to make sense out of.

and please realize that you're talking to someone who is both a sadist, and a sociopath, and will not care how you feel; if you can't handle this, or are going to take anything personally, I recommend you don't get involved with trying to help me.

As you may perhaps have already noticed by perceiving no visible signs of being bewildered by the explicit content of your fantasies, my skin's worn thick, so by all means, let it all out --- i'm more than willing to face the darkest ramifications of the psyche, as i have first-hand witnessed the wildest and crudest inflictions of a sadist's mind at work in a period of 4 years in which i lived under his roof.

Learned a massive deal from growing up with a step-father who's benevolence i had been introduced into, and who has up until now always behaved in accordance towards me, but who's sadism took a sad twist in relation to others around me.

So i've had an excellent opportunity to observe, gather information and transmute these gatherings into appliable wisdom.

Watching Richard Kuklinski's documentary also provided profound insight into the origins of a cold-blooded sadist who has curiously carried into the world a likeability and inherent benevolence which utterly bewilders and confuses those unaware of the implications of psychic darkness perverted by deep emotional hurt.

There's also many large blank spots, some a result of so much metabolic abuse during my orthorexia.

And it is these that require extra attention, for therein may be buried vital clues to the origins of your sadism.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am already completely "unable" to come up with an approach that I "know" is non-insidious.

Why not be openly insidious, if you feel compelled to behave as such?
This way people know what to expect, and you decrease the burden of the fossils in your backpack.

I would like to, but this is someone rather unique, and I'd like to think there's a chance for me in the future with her. From what I've seen, there's no coming back from informing a woman that you have uncontrollable intentions to hurt her in some way.

Hold on.

So you're saying there's a woman of your liking you wouldn't want to inflict pain upon?
Has she already been the subject of your grotesque fantasies?
If so, do they in a way differ from the generalized theme of the other fantasies?

it went away after i realized the joy of pleasuring a woman.


That's what I'm trying to accomplish, how did you discover it though? Did your diet or caloric intake change before it went away? How long has it been gone?

Hm, so you have led your self to believe that an emotional dynamic can be altered biologically?
Would explain your orientation to that side of life.

And i suspect that you'd enhance your chances at success if you were to reverse roles and redirect the subject of your confusion towards your self.

In this case, revising the nature of your trueest joy.
Is it basking in the glory of inflicting pain, or is it the affection of being loved?
Perhaps you've lost affinity with being genuinely loved and affected?


Finally, i would like to know more about the evolution of your relationship with your mother, specifically, and in general to your parents as a whole.

And, do you have any recollection of the approximate date in which your orthorexia began to develop?

[Sadistic Vegan]

Simple logic, the world is severely overpopulated, there's too many people starving, and there's well over 150 million orphans right now.

As for my personal reasoning, aside from one study that just barely indicates a slightly elevated risk of prostate cancer in men that have the procedure(which does not apply to me as a vegan); there are virtually no drawbacks to it. You can still ejaculate, and there is no noticeable difference to your ejaculate whatsoever. The procedure is also shown to cause a slight but permanent testosterone increase.

I understand.

Perhaps another part of your motivation is directly related to the fear of the prospect of ever generating offspirng?

You mean: am I afraid they would be sadistic?... No, I’m sorry to tell you; I’m really not that ashamed of myself, and wouldn't be, even if I acted out.

I’m simply a realist. Most people don’t do enough research to understand the gravity of the situation this world is in right now. Sometimes I could care less, and obviously that would suite me just fine, but in that case, I’d be even less motivated to have a child.


I don't really have interest in morals, but the contraceptive pill is the worst thing that's ever been done to women, and it’s pathetic that the average person cannot see that. You could say: that's why I have an interest outside of doing evil or selfish things; because of the hopeless idiocy I see in the human race when it come to morality. It just irritates me on every level to begin with, yes I like to see women suffer, and I’d love to illicitly giving them horrible substances everyday in a relationship, but seeing statistics and data on something going downhill is nothing like watching a woman suffer before your eyes, it erks me as much as anyone else.

In any case I’d much rather raise an orphan if I knew I was competent and prepared enough for the task. I simply know that currently: I am not, if I ever am, I will then let it be a choice. I'd only use my own DNA if I decided the civilized world could be saved by them. I’d also never allow them to be developed in the whom of a woman on an omnivorous diet, they'd have to be raised and nourished perfectly, and that would require a healthy relationship between me and a woman. It is very, very far, from practical. I've never seen a child be conceived or raised for a responsible or non-narcissistic reason, or in a manner that even comes close to proper. People in America are just breeding suffering human beings that they dress up and medicate like pets, and send right into a rampantly parasitic society of corporations, and ideals, thinking that they will somehow come out the other end with health, wealth, and happiness, even when they know full well; that they themselves never touched more than one of those things at a time, while doing their damndest in that same society. It is one of the most despicable acts I can think of, and I'll never allow it to be done with this DNA.

The fourth passage of your message a reveals a moral standard which most likely must've been set by the values conveyed in your upbringing.

Do you have recollections of being punished with a rigidty which upon mature re-evaluation seems excessively unforgiving?

Depends, which passage?...

Maybe by some teachers perhaps, but most of it was in response to behaviour of mine that had sadistic tendencies behind it, and one of them knew it; pretty much 1 of 2 people to ever know on their own. That was the first time I spoke with a counselor. I really don’t know how I didn't end up killing in elementary school, I was pretty much in constant fantasy the last year, and then all through middle school.

One teacher before all that though, did something to me that caused the school to take action. I won't say here, it’d be recognized.

My mother was always quite difficult to please, and I did view her disciplines as unfair and senseless, that's all I’ll say about that.

Your behavioral tendencies as depicted in your reminiscences also denote a proclivity for vengeance for---i assume---the unjust punishment you've felt to be victimized by in growing up.

This proclivity for vengeance with an inception to my observation and evaluation currently unknown [although i may receive extra detail further down the message (as i intermittently stop to impart commentary as i am in the process of reading)] may constitute the root of your predisposition to sadistic affinity.

I do remember times in very early childhood when I absolutely hated being held back, I wanted control over my own life, and always told my parents it was wrong, and that kids needed to be allowed to do whatever they wanted. I don't know how old I was but this is one of the first memories I have of speaking and I was arguing with my parents over this. Aside from having the importance of “freedom” pounded into my head, I remember actually seeing logical reasoning for letting children do whatever they wanted, and felt that it was the most important thing in life. “Life” would be figured out naturally, and I saw the potential of children being allowed to choose their career or area of study as soon as they were able to say, each person of the next generation would now have 18-20 extra years of experience in their field. To put it short, I thought the way kids were being controlled was ruining the world, I must have been no more that 3 or 4 years old, but I remember specifically thinking and talking about this. I started developing a lot of anger, and couldn't see what was being done to children by adults, as anything but insane. We should be given nothing but advice and guidance, not controlled, I argued with them for years about it. Yeah, I pictured allot of kids and people dying too, I understood that would happen if all control was lifted, but to me, that meant things were being “truly” solved.

As a teenager this “opening up” simply became about: me being more outspoken. It never involved my sadistic qualities, as I already saw how offended and confused people were by my opinions in real conversations, and rarely decided to go that far.

Thereby and henceforth you decided to conform to the seemingly natural dynamic recurrent all around by maladaptively reversing the psychic dynamic most prominent within you, carried along as lingering effect of---i assume---a drastically unsettling emotional imprint which has naturally sought to integrate itself through incrementally intensified sadistic fantasy.

What’s the psychic dynamic that's the most prominent in me? You’re saying it's common among humans to reverse this when they have negative social experiences?

Hence it is only because you never found the support and opportunity to address the root your psycho-emotional wounds that the unconsciously originated fantasies increased with incremental step---steadily increasing in severity and oddity as to enhanche the odds to drawing your attention towards the unresolved troublesome dynamic underlying your obsession with the seemingly odd, which will upon reintegration turn out to appear far from odd and insignificant.

I remember liking how odd and macabre even rather simple things that were new to me felt, I remember seeing “gothics” for the first time in middle school, they had a lunch table to themselves. I never went over to sit down with them because it would simply get way too much attention, but I watched them allot. I wanted to get involved with them, as I supposed they could definitely introduce me to far more odd and macabre things, which I can only describe as: relieving. You’d hear typical things about such people back then(post Columbine, pre Sandy Hook, when everyone thought it happened because of what kids f***ing wore, and remained dis-investigative enough to think that Harris and Klebold classified as: “gothics”.), things like: that they talked about sex, murder, and suicide; cut themselves, read satanic texts, and played with witchcraft(which was fervently warned about by some in my family). I was fascinated and wanted to be taken inside their world, eventually to go much deeper than them, and probably turn their world upside down someday, but the more I watched them, the more I saw how normal they were, I heard one of them talk about how their parents mowed the lawn one day. I was really disappointed, my fantasies of getting involved with them were gone. Now I would just stare at the females; all of them wore black clothes, and were covered in white make-up from head to toe(they were very meticulous). I formed quite an obsession over slitting their throats, or brutally stabbing one of them to death with a kris bladed butterfly knife. I wanted to horrify the whole group of them. I really didn't remember most of this stuff until now, but I remember really, really wanting to murder one of those girls.

Anyway I was going to ask if you’re simply saying that: I sought out odd things, and then as they became normal to me, I need to take another step into something odder, and that I was doing it because it distracted me from the seemingly unsolvable problem of failing to relate to others?

the only time I thought of risking my life to save one of them would be if there was an opportunity to participate in violence, if things got boring, I started yearning to suddenly kill them.

The proclivity for vengeance of seemingly unidentifiable origin.

I reckon the source to be found in your recollections of having felt to be greatly unjustly victimized, by circumstance or related authority?

That could be a bit off, I didn't really feel much anger in these fantasies(some of which actually very nearly happened, even though I’d much rather kill a female.), but I guess vengeance can be carried out with nothing but pure joy in some cases. I just can’t strongly connect these urges with a need for vengeance, maybe though. It would display something significant to those who controlled me as I was growing up, and had not let me go; until my life had been thoroughly damaged, but really, it was just more about me wanting to be a super predator, and re-instil within myself, and space-time, the nature of being allied to no one.

So I’m not sure, but I think there are many negative or dull “social” experiences that could be some of the unfavorable memories I’d need to deal with. I was never physically abused by anyone, and I actually had a very safe and secure upbringing -almost completely devoid of exogenous violence, and yet not entirely strict.-

I’ve actually done this^ process a few times before but I can't really get it to work.

The process of past-regressive self-therapy?

If so, then i have a valuable tip to share.

If you happen to be fully willing to revoke the sensations resulted out of the original emotional wound, arrange a setting which to you has been familiarized as most conducive to comfort and enhanced bravery amidst the arrival of recurrent, intense emotion, and set the intention to reawaken the feelings and memories you wish to recollect and revisit.

Now what's most important is to withdraw the need to concretize expectations as to how exactly the memories could present them selves, as they may not be arranged visually but might very well resurface as a bodily symptom, or might be carried along in a haze of smell, or in whatever way the link to the event has been solidified in your unconscious psyche.

In most cases visual / mental memory only dates back to a certain age, around 3 or 4 i believe, whereas memories of a younger age are inclined to resurface by other means.

I am fairly confident when i assert that the memory will resurface as soon as you explicitly express the intention with ardent zeal --- yet all will depend on how flexibly you will allow your awareness to be in intercepting and interpreting the signals as they resurface, at first perhaps in ever such a subdued, subliminal trend.

Actually I meant that I’ve deeply meditated on my past before, I discovered allot, but it always made me more angry, and more determined to become something that has no past. However if you mean I have still not meditated “deeply enough”. Then I’m not quite sure what to make of that; I didn't exactly expect to delve into my past to solve this problem upon coming here, physical solutions work every time. Still, any serious suggestions are the best I have at this point, so I’ll try to retain my efforts in this method.

One problem though; when you talk about this setting, do you mean, something I know to be the most comforting?, a specific location that's familiar to me? Or both? I’m not exactly near any of these right now. I don’t know how I’d make this place especially comfortable, I don't keep anything that doesn't have a good function or purpose arround. I used to be extremely artistic, but now I’m devoted to functionality almost completely.

It depends entirely upon their body type and personality, as well as any personal issues or extreme fears they might have.

This reaffirms and elaborates my cultivated premonition which implies that your proclivity for vengeance is on the hunt to destroy those aspects of your self---which you have either been conditionned, or conditionned your self to invalidate and suppress---reappeared in the reflection of these characteristics you see resurfaced in the undesirable likeness of others.

So every time your instinct flares in disgust of and vehement opposition to characteristics externally presented, reverse the barrel unto the target of your self; while taking care to unload the ammo, and look for similarities in those aspects of your self which you'd also feel compelled to subvert or eliminate.

But it may be so that instinct for self-preservation has led you to externalize the threat.

I never flare in disgust at those characteristics, I don’t hate women with personal issues or fears, I am attracted to them, my instincts flare up with anticipation. I only hate people that are oblivious to these things within themselves, and go on to damage the world's future with their inept views. I might not have any respect for them, or view theirs lives as useless or ill examples, but if anything they did disgusted me, I would not want to kill them on such an intimate level. Allot like the 10-12 year old I told you about, I actually developed a high amount of respect for her, but viewed her as more of an enemy than a victim. So I would have handled her in a more violent way(maybe I should say brutal, just more combative and less intimate)(naturally I would have had to anyway). It still would have been thrilling, and i wouldn't have been in anger.

When it comes to anorexic women, I always think of starting by spiking their food or drink with enough sugar to restart their pituitary gland, and seduce them. I’d want it to happen in their house because I’d get to see a much stronger picture of their insecurities as I looked around.

And how, do you feel,

I don't know, it just feels: good. The more insecurities and fears they have the more places there are to inflict pain and terror. It's like the difference between torturing an insect, and torturing real woman.

would the knowledge of their uncertainties affect the inclination of your [by then, i suppose, already elaborated] fantasy?

It would be a much slower death, in most cases. Far more intense, far more special.

I’d ask her innocent questions about her life and family that I know she would be uncomfortable with, as they would run too close to her eating disorder.

I sense a reference to a pattern of the past hidden in this innate sense of security of yours---as to enjoy a level of expertise a certain background and experience is required.
So do you want to take a moment, if that happens to be needed, to perform an excercise of flexibly searching for connections in between the dots which, i sense, might be leading back to a certain experience of yours where:
(1) either you your self have felt to be victimized by a violation of your integrity by an individual whom you had put faith in, or
2) where you had performed a similar violation, perhaps of a lesser severity, which has provided you the necessary information to set as basis for continuation through experimental visualization, as preparation to being acted out once the opportunity would present itself?

I’m not sure of your entire meaning here, but I assume, if you find that I'm not addressing something important; you’ll reiterate it. I do have a certain sense of security when it comes to such issues, I’m not sure why, or how, I’m convinced that I’m at least partially; a sociopath, and I’m uncomfortable with trying to change that.

I have some experience in medical science, and probably more than anyone I know in nutrition(which are one in the same), and yes, I have experience with eating disorders, and like anyone else with one, mine got noticed and poked at allot(in attempts to help ofcourse). There are a few other specific things about other matters, that you could say; got probed by friends and family(they'd be recognized here).

Has your objective been to act out your fantasies?

Yes, it was only completely decided upon once or twice, once as a child, again as an adolescent. I didn't prepare for it much in either case(couldn't, or didn't care enough to), but the one in my adolescence was: me just thinking one night that I wanted to kill someone they next day at school, anyone, I just wanted to do it already. I was in 6th grade, and was worried about waiting any longer. I remember being totally determined on the way to school, and it felt very good and relieving, I don't exactly remember what happened throughout the day but I know the fire alarm went of and it was a very abnormal day with a lot of interruptions, I don't know what happened or how i felt exactly, but I obviously didn't do it. The one from my childhood; I can't talk about.

Have you ever been on the edge of performance; and if so, what has refrained you from acting out your plans?

Yes, I don't know how I survived those moments but, the ones where I’m closest(as in having a weapon ready and on the verge of grabbing them), sometimes there was a rod or spike in the ground, or something I could shove their face into. They were all sparks of the moment, never planned, just saw the opportunity and started to do it, some of it was just getting as close as possible to it, to see how I would respond, most of the time I was sure I was cut out for it, and at the very least would quickly catch-onto, and embrace, the reality of such scenes. Others are where I had been struck with the urge to kill someone particular in a certain environment, usually a teenage or young woman, sometime older, sometimes even men, allot of times I was just to small and had nothing to do it with, but I had to prevent myself from attacking them by literally just walking away. Or going somewhere else before they returned to my area(if they had gone elsewhere) and just dealt with it, hanging on as long as I could until the nature of the external situation change(i.e. make the group I was with to begin running late to the next location, or having a small mob of people searching for me), such things usually extinguished the episode. I'd always always have to come up with a reason for taking off on my own, I was known as a very “distracted” kid.

I sometimes have explosive episodes in which I become absolutely farel, and want nothing more than to tear into one woman after another with my teeth, fingers, and hands. I'd delay their initial retaliations by choking them, slamming their heads into the floor, and shoving my 3rd and 4th fingers down their throat to make them vomit(you reflexively lower your jaw when someone grabs you, and gagging reflex always overrides biting reflex) It's not anger, it's just something I have the uncontrollable urge to do, a sort of blood lust. I'll pace around the house for about 2-4 hours as if looking for at least 1 woman to do this to. It doesn't stop until I start running out of calories and get to drained to think straight. This has happened at holiday gatherings in the past, and I had to retreat to my room when I felt it coming, as soon as I would close the door, the racing urges exploded and I would quietly walk around the my room not bothering to turn on the lights; grasping onto the sturdiest thing I could find, spreading my fingers and toes, extending my neck, lifting up on my dresser, slowly drawing and releasing very long, deep breaths. If there hadn't always been at least 30 other people there, and just one of the young teenage women I liked instead, I know would have left that room and tour straight into them, and I would have tortured them forever if I could. I've never felt anything so intense, and it would often take 30 minutes or more for it to go away, then I'd just lay face down on the bed and go to sleep. When I awoke, everyone would be asking where was, or what happened to me.

I would pull her off my penis before she died and I would not allow myself to ejaculate, although as a virgin I can’t know how that would go.

he he he. The punch line in the bolded segment made me chuckle.
____________________________________

Do you have a faint remembrance of the approximate time and perhaps the setting/environment which had led you to entertain fantasies of such an orientation?

Does related date come along the reminiscence of the inception of it?

For that specific fantasy?... not long after I saw her. The setting was quiet, and calming. I won't be naming the environment or any dates(can't think of what would make that relevant outside of illicitly narrowing down the situation for those involved, to recognize that they might be in potential danger. Normally that might be something I’d want, just to take away the close calls and make things easier, but not if it takes her out of the equation, not this soon.)

For fantasies of that orientation in general… it's really hard to remember things like that… I'm trying but it's just completely blank, and I can't pinpoint when I first had one that felt similar to it.

For typical fantasies of women, such as the ones I described before that passage; those in which I mention: Aztec style heart extraction, and other forms of live mutilation, although they may not seem too dissimilar; the women feel closer to toys in those, or at least: less intricate toys. These I remember having as early back as I can remember, though the early ones were not always in the middle of sex, sometimes they involved being held, hugged, or picked up instead.

Once to the wall, and, ‘thigh level surface’(probably her nightstand): I’d prop her back straight up against the wall, and start thrusting her at medium and slow paces. I'd also begin kissing her again. I’d stop the kissing off and on to look her in the eyes. (I’d try to get her to start forming a strong and powerful attachment to me… and then I’d act.)

Here i once more notice the recurrence of the emotional pattern of vengeful resentment towards the violation of attachment in intimacy.
The breach of privacy.
The insatiable drive to transgress another's attachment towards you, which, given the framework of knowledge i make reference to, leads me to speculate that the underlying motivation for this violation is to be found in the violation of your attachment towards another being that has once been inflicted upon you.

Yes, I’ve been attached to certain people. These people go beyond the friends I’d want to suddenly murder to express my indifference. I won't say anymore than that.

For, think about it, would you be as aroused if she were not as attached and dependant upon you?
If you knew you couldn't hurt her emotions as much?

Not even close. However I have to address the use of the word “aroused”, if you mean “sexually aroused”; you might not quite understand what it's like. Yes, sexual arousal comes right along with it every-time, and I’m usually instantly aroused by things like a woman screaming and crying(I’m often stunned at how fast I can get a full erection), while; watching common pornography is akin to having erectile dysfunction, but there is a whole other tier to this. I know what people generally read about sadism puts emphasis on sexual arousal, but I’m sure you can also remember it being described as more of a drug, and I’m fairly certain that massive amounts of dopamine and serotonin get released, “it's similar to a runner's high, only far more potent and sudden”, this is all it was before I discovered any form of sexual arousal, a sort of high. How often do you hear of post-pubescent children masturbating while they torture animals? This; ‘high’, would last far longer after murdering someone like this. However I don't want to downplay the role of sexuality in any case, it's a significant addition, but by no means the governing factor or motivation.
______________________

Departing from the trend set by Freud's frivolous inventions, mixed up with more astutely attuned theoretic guidances, i've come to learn that sexual attraction is not, as Freud so erroneously concluded, a natural prerequisite to the relationship between the child and parent of opposing sexe, but that sexual attraction results out of a dyfunctional parent-child dynamic ---- wherefrom the child develops a distorted fascination for the sexuality embodied by beings of the gender of the parent with whom has a dysfunctional relationship-dynamic been developed.
(this being, according to my unripened conceptions and estimations, the determinant of a certain percentage of cases of homosexuality or other deviances of sexual preference --- apart from homosexuality being an apparant purposive phenomenon in regards to the problem of procreation as alluded to by the subject-matter of your brief introduction.)

Speaking of which, i invite you to perform a feat of active imagination in which you make as object of wonder and creative speculation, the question which pertains to a part of the symbology to your vasectomy as being the cutting of the link to your inner child?
An inner child which would be aroused by the arrival of a child into your life.

.......

Although, after having read up on the intricacy of your fantasy, it might as well be that you couldn't see your self being attracted to a female to such an extent as to want to procreate with her, without wanting to inflict harm upon her.

Pretty much.

Perhaps the reality of a pregnancy would bring some sense into the cruelty of your fantasies, and make you question whether they'd deserve to be perpetuated in the prospect of nurturing a child?

Maybe, but I’ll never have to find that out.

I’d simply start kissing her vehemently, while I brought the weapon down to her lower abdomen. Then I’d pull my mouth away and quickly dig a small incision in her stomach, throw the blade on the floor, and then stick my fingers in, and pull out a strand of her small intestine -(She’d be fully aware and conscious while I was doing this and there’d be minimal bleeding.)- I’d start pulling more and more of it out, lift her off of the wall, and start draping the entrails over her upper body, gently wrapping some around her torso and neck -(all of this would be done very quickly, and before she had much of a chance to react to what was happening)-

Have you ever wondered how you would react in case the object of your experimentation and infliction were to find the ability to muster a reaction her self?
Like a bursting of tears? Cries of terror?
Begs for mercy? Physical retalliation in the form of biting, for instance?

Your adrenal glands can do wonders in a life threatening situation... ‘when they are not destroyed.’ Their was a point when I could not chew my food, I just swallowed everything whole.

Any of those other reactions would be exciting to me.

So you'd say that a large part of your motivation to select an anorexic woman was to avoid the risk of retalliation?

Partly, the less retaliation, the more creative you can get; hense the reason people are bound before tortured. Mainly however, it just occurred to me what kinds of unique things you could do to them that would not work with a normal body type(i.e. twisting their limbs around, asphyxiating them, and breaking their necks, maybe even imploding their diaphragm or rib cage). That’s only mentioning the physical obsession ofcourse.

I know that this would cause incredible pain, suffering, and terror, and produce lots of screaming(all of which would be exciting to me.)

And crying?
What if she were to say that she very well knew that the reason why you've been doing this to her because you were taking revenge for having felt to be deeply violated in your intimacy as a youngin'?

I suggest you recall the fantasies before you muster a response, so that you're fully immersed in that particular emotional vibration as you are conceiving of the possible form your reaction towards her would take.

It depends, I’m not sure she could get all that out anyway, but if so, and if that specific; it might throw me off a bit, being she claimed something so specific, especially in a situation like that; I might stop to question whether it was true. It also might not even touch me through my crazed state.I’m fairly tired at the moment so it's hard to get immersed right now. I might have to revisit that exercise.

If she said she knew why, but didn't specify anything; I’d probably find it amusing and tease her a little. She’d quickly go right back into a state pure of horror as I continued.

What if she were to call you weak?

Same as above^ :

I’d probably find it amusing and tease her a little. She’d quickly go right back into a state pure of horror as I continued.

A coward?

Same as above^

What if she were to ask why you didn't select a tougher opponent, and picked the weakest out of the link?

She might intuit why by then, given that it's hard to imagine fully twisting the limbs of someone fit and healthy, but if she asked, I’d stare dead into her eyes and tell her the simple truth: They're nowhere near as interesting.

Any sexually-oriented memories dating back to childhood?

Yes, however details there also, could be recognized by family members.

I invite you to specify the nature of the sexually-oriented memories.

That would be a detail….. It was nearly; peer to peer, relatively early in childhood. I might remember the first day. Yes, it may have caused some complications, but I’d say it was nowhere near as traumatic as you may be thinking, and I always questioned whether “I” may have been the perpetrator to begin with.

i have first-hand witnessed the wildest and crudest inflictions of a sadist's mind at work in a period of 4 years in which i lived under his roof.

I don't suppose you’d be willing to tell me about some of that?...

There's also many large blank spots, some a result of so much metabolic abuse during my orthorexia.

And it is these that require extra attention, for therein may be buried vital clues to the origins of your sadism.

I really hate this you know….. some parts are okay though, never really written out my fantasies before, let alone to another person. Still, some of it may be truly gone, I can't imagine memories from dead brain cells being etched into the inside of my skull in code for future reference.

I haven't spoken to her yet, but I am already completely "unable" to come up with an approach that I "know" is non-insidious.

Why not be openly insidious, if you feel compelled to behave as such?
This way people know what to expect, and you decrease the burden of the fossils in your backpack.

I would like to, but this is someone rather unique, and I'd like to think there's a chance for me in the future with her. From what I've seen, there's no coming back from informing a woman that you have uncontrollable intentions to hurt her in some way.

Hold on.

So you're saying there's a woman of your liking you wouldn't want to inflict pain upon?

Mabye….. I mean I obviously want to hurt her, it's impossible to describe but; I also feel like there's something within her that's new to me, but just barely.

Has she already been the subject of your grotesque fantasies?

Yes, she’s the one who I imagine wrapping in her own intestines, or twisting her limbs around and dragging through the house, or force feeding water and making her vomit several dozen times, among countless other things.

it went away after i realized the joy of pleasuring a woman.

That's what I'm trying to accomplish, how did you discover it though? Did your diet or caloric intake change before it went away? How long has it been gone?

Hm, so you have led your self to believe that an emotional dynamic can be altered biologically?
Would explain your orientation to that side of life.

I’d like to know exactly how limited you think biology's' reach is in this sense. I’ve learned nevertheless that such things(excessive exercise, isolation, calorie restriction, sleep deprivation ect.) are only temporary in their effect on sadism, I was asking him because I’m looking for a permanent solution, or at least, an easily manageable one that will allow me to do something with my life.

And i suspect that you'd enhance your chances at success if you were to reverse roles and redirect the subject of your confusion towards your self.

In this case, revising the nature of your trueest joy.
Is it basking in the glory of inflicting pain, or is it the affection of being loved?
Perhaps you've lost affinity with being genuinely loved and affected?

I won’t lie, that made me mad, very mad.

Finally, i would like to know more about the evolution of your relationship with your mother, specifically, and in general to your parents as a whole.

I did my best, they did theirs I have to assume, but it turned out very lame nevertheless.

And, do you have any recollection of the approximate date in which your orthorexia began to develop?

It could have started slowly developing earlier than I could ever imagine, I remember always being an abnormal eater in one way or another, but I’d have to say around 2012-2013 is when I got consciously obsessed with it, that's also when people started expressing their concerns.

[Introspectah]

'


This turned out much longer than i had expected to.
By all means take the time needed to reflect and respond with relative clarity and composure.
No need to rush, unless that's felt as most productive to you.

I really don’t know how I didn't end up killing in elementary school,

The question arisen by implication then inquires about the nature of the morality which opposes the implementation of your fantasies?
Can you elaborate it for me?

My mother was always quite difficult to please, and I did view her disciplines as unfair and senseless, *that's all I’ll say about that*

Why?
Do you prefer not to elaborate on the background with your mother?

To put it short, I thought the way kids were being controlled was ruining the world, I must have been no more that 3 or 4 years old,

A highly intriguing advanced morality for a child of such an age to uphold.

and couldn't see what was being done to children by adults, as anything but insane. We should be given nothing but advice and guidance, not controlled, I argued with them for years about it.

I agree.
Would you say this period marked the inception of your proclivity for vengeance?

Yeah, I pictured allot of kids and people dying too, I understood that would happen if all control was lifted, but to me, that meant things were being “truly” solved.

You visualized this as a consequence to the particular type of upbringing you had been subjected to?

Thereby and henceforth you decided to conform to the seemingly natural dynamic recurrent all around by maladaptively reversing the psychic dynamic most prominent within you, carried along as lingering effect of---i assume---a drastically unsettling emotional imprint which has naturally sought to integrate itself through incrementally intensified sadistic fantasy.

'What’s the psychic dynamic that's the most prominent in me?

That which you have observed as the psychic dynamic developed within you, as inherently seperate from the social customs and values that you were forced to adhere and adapt to.

You’re saying it's common among humans to reverse this when they have negative social experiences?

I say that society's standards as instructed for parents to live up to directly force all children to mold their selves in conformity [to these standards], by implication of which unnatural psycho-emotional tendencies arise in adaptation to civilization's [as cleverly pointed out by your self] array of intrinsically immoral impositions of authorative rule [over the psyche's of misguided children]

things like: that they talked about sex, murder, and suicide; cut themselves, read satanic texts, and played with witchcraft*(which was fervently warned about by some in my family)''

Because these select family members had some experience with that side of life?

Now I would just stare at the females; all of them wore black clothes, and were covered in white make-up from head to toe(they were very meticulous). I formed quite an obsession over slitting their throats, or brutally stabbing one of them to death with a kris bladed butterfly knife

Do you remember the specific intent behind the original drive of your incipient fantasies?
What sort of feelings and ideas underlied the onset of your fantasies?
Relief, you mentioned.
From what?

I wanted to horrify the whole group of them. I really didn't remember most of this stuff until now, but I remember really, really wanting to murder one of those girls

So you would say that the intrigue you developed for them originated in strict malicious intent?
No so-called ''positive'' side to your intrigue?
Perhaps somewhat positively intrigued at first, followed by a negatively oriented scheme?

I sought out odd things, and then as they became normal to me, I need to take another step into something odder, and that I was doing it because it distracted me from the seemingly unsolvable problem of failing to relate to others?

One aspect of the inordinate elaboration of your fantasies certainly must be due to a lack of understanding of the drive which produced your fantasies, as---to draw a personal parallel---in my case i acquired the clarity of mind to bring an end to a stream of fantasy as soon as i understood the drive behind them, and thus didn't need to be caught up in the fantasies any longer in order to achieve a certain sense of completion.
Of course the possibility exists that you decided to carry out your fantasies upon having identified the root of them anyways.

Addressing your question [as cited above] in its entirety, i think it goes much deeper than simply not relating to others.
Note, the obvious proclivity for vengeance.
Hence we need to delve deeper if we want to generate a more holistic view of the veritable, complex nature of your deepest, underlying motivation.
I think it is doable to eventually approach the original intent with terrifying clarity and familiarity, though it [the original intent] may not necessarily find offspring in emotional trauma, as i had assumed [because this is the most frequent originator of grotesquely devious psychic inclinations]

The proclivity for vengeance of seemingly unidentifiable origin.

I reckon the source to be found in your recollections of having felt to be greatly unjustly victimized, by circumstance or related authority?

That could be a bit off, I didn't really feel much anger in these fantasies

It could be, hence i am subjecting my unripened views to thorough reconsideration.
Though i have to interject that anger doesn't necessarily need to be evoked in order for a [subtly underlying] proclivity for vengeance to exist.

(some of which actually very nearly happened, even though I’d much rather kill a female.)

The gender-specific orientation, at face value, can nearly automatically be linked to your image and estimation of the importance of a certain gender which in most cases has been relatively singularly generated by the bond developed with your mother or, potentially, other prominent female protagonists in your life.

'but I guess vengeance can be carried out with nothing but pure joy in some cases.

I'd say that is a rather common mark of vengeance---to find redemption [a positive feeling] in the act of victimizing others.
Note; in order for an individual to desire victimizing another, somewhere within the depths of his psyche he has to feel as a victim himself to begin with.
''The healthy man does not torture, it is the wounded man who tortures.''
- C.G. Jung.

It would display something significant to those who controlled me as I was growing up, and had not let me go; until my life had been thoroughly damaged, but really, it was just more about me wanting to be a super predator,

Can you elaborate upon your definition of a super-predator; the values you have assigned to this remarkable personification [animalistic tendency], and how you remember this fascination for maraudery to arise in your mind?

Actually I meant that I’ve deeply meditated on my past before, I discovered allot, but it always made me more angry, and more determined to become something that has no past.

The anger as a sign of an urge for vengeance; retribution for the wrongdoing you feel to have been victimized by?
By whom, particularly?
Both of your parents with equal degree of responsability?

Then I’m not quite sure what to make of that; I didn't exactly expect to delve into my past to solve this problem upon coming here, physical solutions work every time. Still, any serious suggestions are the best I have at this point, so I’ll try to retain my efforts in this method.

It is entirely up to you how deeply you wish to delve within the depts of your unconscious psyche, all i encourage you to investigate is the specific nature and inclination of your resistance to unconvering unpleasant phases of the past, which have shaped your personality, and thus lie at the core of most if not all of your preferences, characteristics and so on.

One problem though; when you talk about this setting, do you mean, something I know to be the most comforting?, a specific location that's familiar to me? Or both? I’m not exactly near any of these right now.

Whatever environment or setting which is most conducive to composed self-reflection, and regression into your past with a high degree of ease, confidence and bravery, unhindered by worries about being interrupted or detected in the midst of this---i assume---intimate moment of reassocation with specifics surrounding your core vulnerability.

I don't keep anything that doesn't have a good function or purpose arround. I used to be extremely artistic, but now I’m devoted to functionality almost completely.

I assume this functionality stands in disregard of the past, in favour of attaining to a sense of self disconnected from undesirable feelings of vulnerability and humilitation so characteristic of childhood?
How did your artistic pursuit look like?

'It depends entirely upon their body type and personality, as well as any personal issues or extreme fears they might have.

This reaffirms and elaborates my cultivated premonition which implies that your proclivity for vengeance is on the hunt to destroy those aspects of your self---which you have either been conditionned, or conditionned your self to invalidate and suppress---reappeared in the reflection of these characteristics you see resurfaced in the undesirable likeness of others.

You framed both of these segments in quotation marks but apparantly forgot to respond to them, as they are immediately succeeded by another quotation of a segment of my writing.

I never flare in disgust at those characteristics, I don’t hate women with personal issues or fears, I am attracted to them, my instincts flare up with anticipation

So you convert a positive attraction into a negatively-oriented intent?
Much like the intrigue into gothic females preceded a scheme of harm?

[Aware the next question might be nullified by a certain response of yours further down the message]
Do you conceive harmful schemes upon every attraction [to specific type of females], also the female you have told to be more favourably inclined to --- explicitly designating her as potential wifey material?

I only hate people that are oblivious to these things within themselves, and go on to damage the world's future with their inept views.

Because this is a perpetuation of the characteristics you hate about your parent(s)?

So I would have handled her in a more violent way(maybe I should say brutal, just more combative and less intimate)

So your (sub)conscious definition of intimacy involves deliberate infliction of harm and abuse?
This once more brings me back to the development of intimacy in the bond with your mother.
Thus i naturally wonder (...) --- up to you how explicitly you wish to disclose the nature of this bond.

''I’m convinced that I’m at least partially; a sociopath, and I’m uncomfortable with trying to change that.

An interesting remark in relation to the origin of personality gives rise to the realization that without memory personality loses footing, hence the foundation of personality is based on memory.
Take your memories away, your personality most likely vanished relatively entirely ---besides some fundamental aspects and characteristics---hence your self-identification as sociopath most likely would lose ground as well.

and yes, I have experience with eating disorders, and like anyone else with one, mine got noticed and poked at allo

An indiciation to the possible nature of the origin of your proclivity for vengeance---an assumption of mine which seems to grow more incontrovertible in accordance with the increase of knowledge i gain of your perspective and background.

There are a few other specific things about other matters, that you could say; got probed by friends and family(they'd be recognized here).

The more attention you choose to allocate to this highly sensitive matter, the greater the odds for identifying the roots of your externalized self-abuse.
For abusing the integrity of others is a way to immunize our selves against the inevitability of vulnerability, as we by birth right are vulnerable beings --- some to lesser extents than others.

'Yes, it was only completely decided upon once or twice, once as a child, again as an adolescent. I didn't prepare for it much in either case(couldn't, or didn't care enough to), but the one in my adolescence was: me just thinking one night that I wanted to kill someone they next day at school, anyone, I just wanted to do it already. I was in 6th grade, and was worried about waiting any longer.

Do you remember why you had been worrying to wait longer?

'I don't know what happened or how i felt exactly, but I obviously didn't do it. The one from my childhood; I can't talk about.

I won't apply opposing force against your will, but can you roughly allude to the reason why you can't allow your self to?
Legal issues?

I'd always always have to come up with a reason for taking off on my own, I was known as a very “distracted” kid.

Can you elaborate on the background behind this label of your character as distracted?

'I sometimes have explosive episodes in which I become absolutely farel, and want nothing more than to tear into one woman after another with my teeth, fingers, and hands. I'd delay their initial retaliations by choking them, slamming their heads into the floor, and shoving my 3rd and 4th fingers down their throat to make them vomit(you reflexively lower your jaw when someone grabs you, and gagging reflex always overrides biting reflex) It's not anger, it's just something I have the uncontrollable urge to do, a sort of blood lust. I'll pace around the house for about 2-4 hours as if looking for at least 1 woman to do this to. It doesn't stop until I start running out of calories and get to drained to think straight. This has happened at holiday gatherings in the past, and I had to retreat to my room when I felt it coming, as soon as I would close the door, the racing urges exploded and I would quietly walk around the my room not bothering to turn on the lights; grasping onto the sturdiest thing I could find, spreading my fingers and toes, extending my neck, lifting up on my dresser, slowly drawing and releasing very long, deep breaths. If there hadn't always been at least 30 other people there, and just one of the young teenage women I liked instead, I know would have left that room and tour straight into them, and I would have tortured them forever if I could. I've never felt anything so intense, and it would often take 30 minutes or more for it to go away, then I'd just lay face down on the bed and go to sleep.

Does it feel as if in such moments you have entirely lost your sense of self, and lost the ability to think and define your self in the way your normally do?
As if the eruption of the uncontrollable urge completely takes over and your will power as good as vanishes?

Do you have a faint remembrance of the approximate time and perhaps the setting/environment which had led you to entertain fantasies of such an orientation?

Does related date come along the reminiscence of the inception of it?

For that specific fantasy?... not long after I saw her. The setting was quiet, and calming.

I actually intended to redirect your mind to the earliest recollection you have of the onset of such fantasies.

For fantasies of that orientation in general… it's really hard to remember things like that… I'm trying but it's just completely blank, and I can't pinpoint when I first had one that felt similar to it.

A bit of reference might broaden your horizon.

Freud, regression, and neurosis
Freud saw development, fixation, and regression as centrally formative elements in the creation of a neurosis. Arguing that 'the libidinal function goes through a lengthy development', he assumed that 'a development of this kind involves two dangers - first, of inhibition, and secondly, of regression '.[3] Inhibitions produced fixations; and the 'stronger the fixations on its path of development, the more readily will the function evade external difficulties by regressing to the fixations'.[4]

Neurosis for Freud was thus the product of a flight from an unsatisfactory reality 'along the path of involution, of regression, of a return to earlier phases of sexual life, phases from which at one time satisfaction was not withheld. This regression appears to be a twofold one: a temporal one, in so far as the libido, the erotic needs, hark back to stages of development that are earlier in time, and a formal one, in that the original and primitive methods of psychic expression are employed in manifesting those needs'.[5]

[6]Behaviors associated with regression can vary greatly depending upon which stagethe person is fixated at: An individual fixated at the oral stage might begin eating or smoking excessively, or might become very verbally aggressive. A fixation at the anal stage might result in excessive tidiness or messiness. Freud recognised that 'it is possible for several fixations to be left behind in the course of development, and each of these may allow an irruption of the libido that has been pushed off - beginning, perhaps, with the later acquired fixations, and going on, as the lifestyle develops, to the original ones'.[7].

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regression_(psychology)

For typical fantasies of women, such as the ones I described before that passage; those in which I mention: Aztec style heart extraction, and other forms of live mutilation, although they may not seem too dissimilar; the women feel closer to toys in those, or at least: less intricate toys. These I remember having as early back as I can remember, though the early ones were not always in the middle of sex, sometimes they involved being held, hugged, or picked up instead.

At this point i am seriously starting to consider the possibility of transference of soul memories that date back to other incarnations.
Might be coming across as foolish to a mind who's either resistant or ignorant to this reality, so i don't know how you'll take it ... at any rate it wouldn't be a bad idea to try out alternate methods to see if anything comes up in correlation to a past-regressive outlook.
If you happen to be interested, i suggest you browse youtube by use of the searchwords ''past-regressive therapy''.
Though by no means is this a requirement, rather an alternative suggestion.

Yes, I’ve been attached to certain people. These people go beyond the friends I’d want to suddenly murder to express my indifference.

Correction:
''to express your desire to pose as indifferent.''
For if you truly were indifferent you wouldn't feel the need to kill, would you?
You'd remain unaffected regardless of external influence.

So do you want to speak about hurtful sensations come forth out of relationships of this kind?

However I have to address the use of the word “aroused”, if you mean “sexually aroused”; you might not quite understand what it's like.

I sure don't.

I’m usually instantly aroused by things like a woman screaming and crying(I’m often stunned at how fast I can get a full erection),

Reference to the wiki-page of Freud's theory surrounding regression.

However I don't want to downplay the role of sexuality in any case, it's a significant addition, but by no means the governing factor or motivation.

Seems like sexuality provides a lubricant for your sadistic fantasies to be smoothly implemented, and thus accelerated in intsensity and liveliness

_____________________

Although, after having read up on the intricacy of your fantasy, it might as well be that you couldn't see your self being attracted to a female to such an extent as to want to procreate with her, without wanting to inflict harm upon her.

Pretty much.

Although i understand it might be a difficult excercise of imagination to perform, the above does not answer the question posed below.

'Speaking of which, i invite you to perform a feat of active imagination in which you make as object of wonder and creative speculation, the question which pertains to a part of the symbology to your vasectomy as being the cutting of the link to your inner child?
An inner child which would be aroused by the arrival of a child into your life.

By this i meant to refer to the symbolic neglection and rejection of your [memories and lingering feelings] of your inner child, as [they would be] revoked in interaction with a fresh born.
A baby might bring you in touch with a part of your self you perhaps have sought to annihilate or indefinitely suppress over time?

Perhaps the reality of a pregnancy would bring some sense into the cruelty of your fantasies, and make you question whether they'd deserve to be perpetuated in the prospect of nurturing a child?

Maybe, but I’ll never have to find that out.

Practically you won't have to, but it might bring some clarity to the area of confusion central to the thematic dynamic currently being handled.

And crying?
What if she were to say that she very well knew that the reason why you've been doing this to her because you were taking revenge for having felt to be deeply violated in your intimacy as a youngin'?
I suggest you recall the fantasies before you muster a response, so that you're fully immersed in that particular emotional vibration as you are conceiving of the possible form your reaction towards her would take.

It depends, I’m not sure she could get all that out anyway, but if so, and if that specific; it might throw me off a bit, being she claimed something so specific, especially in a situation like that; I might stop to question whether it was true. It also might not even touch me through my crazed state.I’m fairly tired at the moment so it's hard to get immersed right now. I might have to revisit that exercise.

If she said she knew why, but didn't specify anything; I’d probably find it amusing and tease her a little. She’d quickly go right back into a state pure of horror as I continued.

I suggest that in the next message you take the time to reapproach this particular question, as i sense addressing it could be of value.

What if she were to ask why you didn't select a tougher opponent, and picked the weakest out of the link?

She might intuit why by then, given that it's hard to imagine fully twisting the limbs of someone fit and healthy, but if she asked, I’d stare dead into her eyes and tell her the simple truth: They're nowhere near as interesting.

Does the physique of your mother in any way resemble the physique of these girls/women that are the subject of your fantasies?

I invite you to specify the nature of the sexually-oriented memories.

That would be a detail….. It was nearly; peer to peer, relatively early in childhood. I might remember the first day. Yes, it may have caused some complications, but I’d say it was nowhere near as traumatic as you may be thinking, and I always questioned whether “I” may have been the perpetrator to begin with.

It doesn't need to have been grotesquely traumatic for it to have been an occurence of major significance.
Up to you how deep you wish to explicit your recollection.

'i have first-hand witnessed the wildest and crudest inflictions of a sadist's mind at work in a period of 4 years in which i lived under his roof.

I don't suppose you’d be willing to tell me about some of that?...

I certainly could, if you specify the angle of your curiosity.

And it is these that require extra attention, for therein may be buried vital clues to the origins of your sadism.

I really hate this you know….. some parts are okay though, never really written out my fantasies before, let alone to another person. Still, some of it may be truly gone, I can't imagine memories from dead brain cells being etched into the inside of my skull in code for future reference.

The biological take near the end being an easy justification for your avoidance of being confronted with memories you resist most of all.
It's all fine and well to recollect mildly unpleasant memories, as they don't hold as much primordially significant content as the memories you hate most of all do.

Hold on.

So you're saying there's a woman of your liking you wouldn't want to inflict pain upon?

Mabye….. I mean I obviously want to hurt her, it's impossible to describe but; I also feel like there's something within her that's new to me, but just barely.

What are some of the aspects that stand out to you as new, and at first sight undeserving of abuse to the degree most subjects of your fantasy you find deserving to be inflicted by?

'Has she already been the subject of your grotesque fantasies?

Yes, she’s the one who I imagine wrapping in her own intestines, or twisting her limbs around and dragging through the house, or force feeding water and making her vomit several dozen times, among countless other things

Is there something you wouldn't want to do to her?
An act you would gladly traumatize any other subject of your fantasies with?

Hm, so you have led your self to believe that an emotional dynamic can be altered biologically?
Would explain your orientation to that side of life.

I’d like to know exactly how limited you think biology's' reach is in this sense.

I couldn't as i'm not specialized in the field of biology, which doesn't mean i cannot assert with relative certainty that a strictly biological approach to emotions reveals a deep inner discord of an emotional dynamic---redirected into a sterile approach to the complexity of the human organism.

'And i suspect that you'd enhance your chances at success if you were to reverse roles and redirect the subject of your confusion towards your self.

In this case, revising the nature of your trueest joy.
Is it basking in the glory of inflicting pain, or is it the affection of being loved?
Perhaps you've lost affinity with being genuinely loved and affected?''

''I won’t lie, that made me mad, very mad.

Good. Now it would be most prosperous if you would seize the moment to investigate the reason why you've been triggered.
I understand it's a deeply sensitive issue, and won't push you below the treshold you don't wish to cross --- i just make the suggestion as i know how powerful it is to seize the moment of being triggered to dig out the root of your sensitivity.

This particular moment brings an instant flashback to the interview a psychologist conducted in prison with one of the most infamous cold-blooded [:emotionally indifferent] American serial killers named Richard Kuklinski.
I really encourage you to give this documentary a watch, it might provide you critical insight by means of drawing parallels in between his and your background.

Finally, i would like to know more about the evolution of your relationship with your mother, specifically, and in general to your parents as a whole.

I did my best, they did theirs I have to assume, but it turned out very lame nevertheless.

That don't cut it as a substantial answer.
But once more, it's up to you to decide how much you want to give out.
I won't force you.

It could have started slowly developing earlier than I could ever imagine, I remember always being an abnormal eater in one way or another, but I’d have to say around 2012-2013 is when I got consciously obsessed with it, that's also when people started expressing their concerns.

Any noteworthy occurences that arise in connection to this period?