How to stop my sadism towards anorexic women. + Virginity

#30

Postby Sadistic Vegan » Tue Jan 19, 2016 8:37 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Sadistic Vegan,

There is no use going back and forth with Julius. He is a mental health case, pretending to be a life coach. You have seen his videos. He compares human suicide to dogs and trees. His world view is all about maintaining his own personal happiness at any cost, so horrible things such as genocide are rationalized as perfect acts that were preordained suffering in order for him to maintain his bubble.

Of course being a forum you can go back and forth with him as you like. I'm just providing you some history.


He probably has allot less impact on the worlds problems than you do. Still, I was starting to suspect it; he seems mentally ill. Or it could be like I said, I've seen it before; he's getting high by fasting, way under-carbed, that's why he doesn't have the capacity for anything. Either way, I'm done with his sh**.
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#31

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jan 19, 2016 9:31 pm

Sadistic Vegan wrote: he seems mentally ill.


Yep, just thought I would give you a heads up as it can take time to pick up on it. Took me long enough. Promoting himself as a vegan life coach makes it appear he is mentally okay.

We went back and forth on his claim that things like rape is perfect, the space shuttle disaster was perfect, the holocaust was perfect, based on his rational that everything in any given moment is always perfect.

Anyway...it is what it is.
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#32

Postby Introspectah » Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:27 pm

and instead act on creating a small example of what the human race could, and should be... but that would not be a true-"instead of"-;something needs killing..... I feel very strongly about this but it has no almost no foothold in sadism(regardless of my compulsion for it) and neither does what Kuklisnki did btw.


As Plato's rumoured to have asserted; ''Philosophy is a prepration for death'', but not merely in the literal sense of the word.
As in order for a rebirth of [a conceptual] life to occur, something needs to be put to death, brought to permanent end.

Your deep-rooted desre to extricate humanity's thorn in the eye, points to your original involvement with the Myth of Hero and, later on, Tyrant.
Both supported by a similar or inseperable vision yet set off against eachother on the basis of constructive versus destructive intent.
Feels as if the mythologically meaningful phase of the dilemma between the personifications of God & Devil as sublimated facets of your unconscious psyche, and on a larger scale, humanity's collective unconscious, might provide greater clarity to this particular facet of your psyche's conflict.

You mentioned "Kuklinski's sadism" a few times, this is a problem; there is no way he was a sadist, he was totally apathetic,


I admit to a rather loose usage of the term, and a basic ignorance as to its infinitely diverse idiosyncracies.

I'd choose the latter(a life of hate and apathy), and yes it would be full blown this time. If you removed that "possible sporadic distress" condition; I would be somewhat inclined to choose the former.


So if you were granted the freedom to choose a life of love and affection disaffected by woe, you would opt for an immutably beneficial condition, with zero tolerance for setback?
Is this because you instinctively feel your self to be incapable of remaining indifferent to or unaffected by setback?
Because you'd expect your benevolence to be thwarted at the least of disappointments?

Would I taunt them? Very unlikely. Perhaps in a very illicit manner of psychological games, one in which would seem like genuine letters(doubtful as I am that'd be permitted), letters containing very few words, most likely asking them questions, or inviting them to subject me to their judgements, doing whatever I could to peak their interest. The goal in this case would be to get them to lose faith in the simple outlook that a monster had torn apart their daughter, and cause them pain(or closure perhaps) by exposing the fact that I was merely another impossibly complex and intricate human being in an impossibly complex and intricate world, giving them nowhere to dump their blame, and nowhere to dump their pain. I'm not sure how I would deal with my family but there'd be no more need to hold back how I felt about anything, to anybody, and I'd be committed to telling the truth to anyone who showed a desire to know.


And the concluding statement which i've bolded is your ultimate goal, is it not?
To reveal to your family and its environment the true nature of the monster that's been created by their neglect of your most basic needs and wants?

I would also enjoy the fact that I had seen a facet of their child -that they nor no one else had ever seen- during the act.


Because a component of your self-assigned purpose is to bring into the world by forceful magnification the monstruous aspects of humanity which sensitive minds prefer to conceal within the shadow of awareness?

Pursuant to this course of reason---if i'm treading the right track---follows an idea which implies that your core motivation is to confront the world and its ignominious protagonists with its gruesome shadow to which creation they've negligently contributed?
To recalibrate the imbalance of the world's naivety and immorality, as a personification of the very evil they've co-operatively created yet fear to come near?
Thus you feel it is your duty to unleash this darkness upon the world while simultaneously exposing your invalidated self unto the world, as you feel it'd only be correct for you to come out in full explosion?

All the while, secretely motivated by your heart's desire to be recognized for peculiarities which you've always felt to have been unacknowledged?

So what if you could come out in full disclosure of your psyche's idiosyncracy without having to act ouf your fantasies with horrendous repercussion?
From an egocentric point of view, the damage of repercussion inflicted upon your self as great as, or even worse than, the damage inflicted upon its immediate victims.

No, if we are talking about gothics here: I felt no sentiment towards anything that made them represent humanity, I was only intrigued by the forbidden, macabre things I expected to find in them. The moment I saw things that made them represent the rest of humanity; is the moment I wanted to subject them to the true nature of evil, and wickedness.


So if they were to have remained appearing to you as outcasts, irrepresentative of a humanity you loathe, you wouldn't have wanted to torture them [as much]?
Perhaps the prerequisite for someone to escape the clutches of your murderous obsession is that you estimate them to have been fulfilling a role similar to yours in this life?

but I should note how strange it seems to me, vengeance on women(whether called for or not) is the last thing on my mind when I image murdering them in such intimate ways.


Because if you would be aware of your innermost drive to destruction, your eyes would be opened to the vulnerability and pain which underlies it.
Yet it is most convenient to detach your self of your innermost agony and vulnerability by remorselessly fulfilling your sadistic longing.
Furthermore, ''murdering them in such intimate ways'' reveals that you want to be intimate with women but don't know how to be constructive about it.
In fact, you could not be constructive about it if you wanted, for your unconscious psychic inclination pushes you off into a compulsion which necessitates action.
But underneath this compulsion lies the root to all your perverted desire which stem in benevolence after all.

Remarkably, a man's propensity to treat women in a particular way is modeled after the example his relationship towards his mother has set, and exactly how affectionately intimate she's decided to treat her son.

We're taught by examples which make indelible imprints upon our unconscious psyche, which we willy-nilly carry along with us until we make use of our matured, slightly detached intellect in order to gain fresh perspective and rewire the habitual patterns of our brain, which will continue to dictate our ways for as long as we do not interrupt this vicious cycle.

So whether or not you want to be aware of this, you will continue walking in the footsteps of your mother's disreputable trail, and will continue to be overcome by the compulsory desire to wreak vengeance upon members of her gender who exhibit traits reminiscent of the disdainful features of your mother's incompetence.

Or to be more precise in this instance, i must say that it seems to me that you cannot help but be attracted to and infatuated by characteristics which stand opposite to those contemptible features exemplified by your mother's incompetence---nevertheless in the end falling back upon a misogynistic compulsion which nourishes your sadistic enchantment : i presume.

So as consequence to the trend of intimacy set in relation to your mother, will you only be able to develop according affection for members of her gender.
I'd even go as far as to speculate that you cannot love any women more than you have been loved by your mother, because at bottom all women equally revolt you in one way or another.
Be this because of their weakness, susceptibility to manipulation, their distrustability, or perhaps due to a physical attraction which appeals to the bloody lustful predator within you.

Although i'm portionally speculating here, so you tell me whether these statements touch a nerve or strike a meaningful chord.
It's best to pay attention to sensations which arise upon being confronted in such a way, rather than to immediately attach too great of an importance onto disproportionately influential thought mechanisms that usually function in defiance of the meaningful volatility of emotions.

So while you may instinctively reject certain statements listed up above by way of mental justification, the inclination of your emotions may contradict your standards and opinions.

So my advice is to listen to your emotions, no matter how painful they might come across, or perhaps just because you sense them so painfully, for within the pain lies the answer.
What have you got to lose?

Perhaps the most valuable asset you might lose is your status as untouchable tyrant with heroïc flair.

]So would you say you're more likely to be attracted to a woman who's low in confidence as opposed to a woman who in her ways is supported by a solid foundation of self-confidence?


More likely yes, not to say that I couldn't be attracted to the latter.


I invite you to excercise your imagination in order to draw parallels in between the women you're attracted to and the one woman who forms the basis of all comparison to women.
Although, as i've shown up above, it might be so that you find your self attracted to features which directly oppose the revulsion your mother's ways have elicited within you.

Performing this associative excercise is of massive importance, even if you can't immediately see the benefit of it, so i urge you to undertake the effort.
But if something prohibits you from proceeding upon this act, please do inform me.

Introspectah wrote:
And after 2-4 hours you still haven't pinpointed an accessible target?

Correct, this would happen in my own residence(in which I lived alone in), these are can be very intense, I'm in no mood to drive or cycle anywhere when they happen, but afterwards I'm left with a deep sadistic hunger. Before; they would only last about 20-30 minutes, it really depends how many people are around,


But if during any of these occurences you've never locked onto a feasible target, let alone having had the power to act out your internal and infernal preoccupation, doesn't this prove that the purpose of these recurrent tidal waves which flow from out of the unconscious depths is not to physically implement them but to wallow in rapturous intoxication?
Perhaps the purpose of this compulsively recurrent tidal wave is to bring immediate relief, much comparable to the drug addict's rush?

Of course, afterwards you're left with hunger for more, but has a relief of sorts occured?
Are you aware of what sort of circumstances trigger this particular tidal wave?


I've had some in Walmart during the day that lasted a few minutes, but those will keep happening over and over again until I leave, even then, they will continue untill I get exhausted. It's not everyday, they remind me of the almost constant catatonic/super hyper states I would or go into as a child.


Can you elaborate with detailed reference to the circumstances and triggers that manifested these states of being?
The fact that you mention having gone through such states as a child signifies the probability of a naturally inherited psychic predisposition, perhaps related to the psychic diagnoses you were categorized by.

2. It feels far stronger than any addiction I've had.


Of course, because your personality is built upon this foundation of emotional malnourishment.
In order to get rid or primarily ameliorate this addiction, you'd have to retrace the origins of your innermost pain.
This is why i attach such great importance unto travelling back in time by following the trail of your memories, and indefatigably investigating the surrounding atmosphere of your memory's blind spots.

Your emotions will often revoke reminiscent sensations which your mental memory has lost touch with.

Like I said, sometimes my morals go out the window, aside from that; I've always been committed to not murder anyone for sadistic satisfaction.


Why's that?

I would like to get more involved in the Vegan community. I could devote my life to causes like that, and plan to. But that doesn't make it all go away…


Pursuing this ambition is not meant to alleviate your psychic distress altogether, but it might signify an incipient breakthrough --- perhaps an enjoyable enrichment of or infusion of quality into your life.

how the hell, am I supposed to find anyone like what she’s(Teal) talking about when it comes to sadism? How do I even ask for help?(I've been searching for reputable Doctors online btw, specialists, though I doubt the real answer lies there)


You need to look no further.
Modestly speaking, i believe that what we've going on could possibly activate your capacity for drastic self-renewal.
Although it's a process which requires time and commitment; the end-result of which can not be guaranteed.

But i foresee great potential.

The connection with my mother you keep trying to make is just not getting through to me, I'm trying every way I can, but I just don't feel it


Perhaps this just shows how disconnected you've become from your roots.
This primordial disappointment and frustration may be buried so deeply within your unconscious that you can merely scratch the surface of its extension into and impact onto your life, while perhaps mistaking the ramifications of this fundamental sadness and bitterness as a consequence of something else altogether.

Fact of the matter is your mother was the primary caretaker you'd put faith in, and she let you down.
This pivotal let-down is bound to have wrought its havoc, and its repercussions are [to my eyes] clearly visible in your bloodlust towards women.

But i understand that it may be damn hard to make the connection.
Still, just because you can't seem to make the connection at the moment, doesn't mean it isn't there, is it?
For the most part, man's life takes place in the realm of the unconscious, while our conscious minds merely scratch the surface of our vast, boundless psyches.

If you genuinely want to unravel the bitter feelings of resentment which have been interwoven in the bond that's been formed with your mother, and the imprint it's made upon your unconscious psyche, then the route to be taken is to be accessed within.

Your emotions will tell you more than i ever could.
Meaning lies in the little things; those circumstantial triggers, remarks or such, that provoke a particular resentful emotion within you, will point the way.
The trick is to seize the opportunity when it arises, and follow the lead, as opposed to invalidating or rejecting the emotion in favour of upholding status quo.

Perhaps the reason why you cannot seem to make association to the sadness, apathy, hatred and so on, which your mother has brought about, is because its remembrance will inevitably invoke feelings of weakness which you don't want to identify with. No?

Relevant reference;
But of course, now it does not any more seem to you as if your and the child's needs are synonymous because you've willingly disidentified with the vulnerability you've systematically sought to annihilate, as an apex predator is marked by its inability to be hurt or defeated, given he succesfully maintains a habitat of superiority and a lifestyle in accordance to this superiority, this coldness of heart, this disaffection to the hurtful feelings the child within you has once been victimized by.

Introspectah wrote:
Once more, revisit the segment of Freud on neurosis and such.

Can’t find open access to his published work, I read a few annotations and summaries on the segment.



Freud, regression, and neurosis
Freud saw development, fixation, and regression as centrally formative elements in the creation of a neurosis. Arguing that 'the libidinal function goes through a lengthy development', he assumed that 'a development of this kind involves two dangers - first, of inhibition, and secondly, of regression '.[3] Inhibitions produced fixations; and the 'stronger the fixations on its path of development, the more readily will the function evade external difficulties by regressing to the fixations'.[4]

Neurosis for Freud was thus the product of a flight from an unsatisfactory reality 'along the path of involution, of regression, of a return to earlier phases of sexual life, phases from which at one time satisfaction was not withheld. This regression appears to be a twofold one: a temporal one, in so far as the libido, the erotic needs, hark back to stages of development that are earlier in time, and a formal one, in that the original and primitive methods of psychic expression are employed in manifesting those needs'.[5]

[6]Behaviors associated with regression can vary greatly depending upon which stage the person is fixated at: An individual fixated at the oral stage might begin eating or smoking excessively, or might become very verbally aggressive. A fixation at the anal stage might result in excessive tidiness or messiness. Freud recognised that 'it is possible for several fixations to be left behind in the course of development, and each of these may allow an irruption of the libido that has been pushed off - beginning, perhaps, with the later acquired fixations, and going on, as the lifestyle develops, to the original ones'.[7].

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regression_(psychology)

Sadistic Vegan wrote:
and I would have tortured them forever if I could. I've never felt anything so intense, and it would often take 30 minutes or more for it to go away, then I'd just lay face down on the bed and go to sleep.

Introspectah wrote:
I need you to remember why you never felt anything this intense


I don't remember ever discovering "why". Just be more blunt already, unless you're trying to slowly maneuver my psyche around in some clandestine attempt, I wouldn't want to shatter that fragile method now would I?


I've been frank from the start. No holds barred.
Or no bars held.
The reason why i attach such great importance to analyzing the reason why you've never been overcome by such an intense infatuation, is because the cause of this unusually intense break-out might provide greater knowledge to what breeds and continues to nourish your irrepressible sadistic urges.

Keeping in consideration the possibility to diminish the mastery your unconscious impulses exert upon you, if you'd so choose to.

Sadistic Vegan wrote:
Are you willing to take the time to reawaken these memories of old?

Yes, I don't fear them, they are actually relieving to me.(Whether it's real or not, that's reason enough)


Keep me updated on the progress you'll be making in regards to this pursuit.
Or if you'd be in the need of receiving some form of external support which would bring you back in touch with these memories of old.

Introspectah wrote:
Thus there's a morality in place which keeps you from becoming as irresponsible a parent as your parents were to you?
Quite a chink in the armor of your overall hatred for humanity, isn't it?

You hate those who have misused their potential but you do not hate those who have yet to begin acting out their potential, perhaps because you identify with the powerlessness expressed in the child's inevitable reliance on its parents and the world?


Yes, that's completely accurate.



Thus, theoretically, you'd not be inclined to subject a completely powerless, seemingly innocent individual to such sadistic intentions?
Or perhaps you wouldn't even make an exception for this type of human being?

Introspectah wrote:
In other words, you'd rather not reidentify with certain sensations of vulnerability which you'd rather bury altogether, or denounce as unworthy of recollection or retrospective scrutiny?


Yeah, but why is it always so damn necessary for me to throw myself off a bridge in order to become a better version of myself?


I'm lost for the reason why you'd compared reawakening your sense of vulnerability to throwing your self off the bridge.
Is it because associating with your innermost vulnerability stands equal to voluntary death in your eyes?
That in order to thrive you have to evade your vulnerability at all costs?

Vulnerability is so crucial because it's your nature.
We're all vulnerable by nature.
In my previous lengthy response in here, in which i depicted the background to my story, i discussed the nature of vulnerability and how it applies to every single one of us.

It's not something you acquire or are in the freedom to choose.
You either remain vulnerable to a unmeasurable degree or you adopt a defense mechanism in order to protect your self from being vulnerable to a society which you esteem as intrinsically hostile to your health.

But by now it seems that you've grown so strongly in a particular direction that each impulse which instigates your sense of vulnerability is immediately converted in something for you to consume and nourish your strength, and sense of superiority over a weak world, to which you willy-nilly belong.

Every time we condemn someone else, the opportunity arise for us to learn more about that which we dislike about our selves.
When you're subjecting someone to overly harsh judgement, all you're in fact doing is judging your self, but utilizing a scapegoat to share or alleviate the burden.

Introspectah wrote:
Still I want to shift your gaze towards the ignorance that may've held them in a spell, and the pain they may also have felt to have been inflicted by as hopelessly defenseless children.


What good does pitying them do?


Emitting pity does no good to anyone involved.
I'm talking about doing the research or analysis in order to understand so that you may activate within you feelings of compassion for the weakness they've portrayed, and helplessness they've so maliciously fed you with.

People can only be held accountable insofar as they were conscious of their deeds.
Sure you may hold them accountable for a duty they've refused to uphold for reasons unknown, but partially they were unaware of what drove them, what motivated them to neglect you.

During my step-sister's depression my step-mother didn't seem to provide the care that would normally be expected of her, and all were left to wonder why.
Later on i learned that she wasn't ready to face the sadness of her daughter which she couldn't face her self.
Most people are only able to love others to the degree they are willing to and capable of loving themselves.
And the capacity for self-love is an immediate corollary out of a child's upbringing.
So no matter how heroïc a child may choose to be in taking the entire burden upon himself, his parents are always the first to be held responsible.
For their entire approach towards the child will have formed the basis of the child's personality.
From there on, once the child acquires a sense of independence, will (s)he grow accordant self-responsability.

But to take it all upon your self is a sign of deliberate self-punishment.
To punish your self because you let it all happen to you, because you allowed your self to be hurt by such insensible people.

Here's what's bothering me(but also keeping me here): I have yet to find someone that can say they've been cured of this kind of sadism. Obviously, I don't have any better ideas than this at the present time, but I’m assuming you need to know what's in the back of my head, and it’s doubt. In my experience, if you have to believe in something in order for it to work; then it dosen’t work.


Well, turn it around then.
If you hold onto a belief which dictates that whatever methods you try out, you won't succeed, then how can it possibly be proven to work --- if you fundamentally disbelieve?

I endorse an open mind which refrains from writing something off as impossible before it's been fully tried out first.
But i understand why it seems impossible to you.
Still, the opposite shouldn't be seen as less likely. --- if only theoretically.

my life is already that of a recovering addict if you look at it from a distance, with a few things missing:

1.”people”(new friends, family, supports[all of which I have many issues with developing])

2. An enjoyable life.

What else would you add?


I might sum up a number of meaningful features which nonetheless are entangled with or branched off the root causes mentioned above.
Though ''an enjoyable'' life is a rather shallow definition of a much more complex, multi-layered dimension of being.

For according to my reasoning, an enjoyable life isn't by definition free from conflict --- rather, the enjoyment or satisfaction results out of your approach to indispensable conflict of opinion or whatever.

It might also be noted that purpose is lacking in your life.
That on the one hand you've got a rather clear idea of where you want to take your life, but experience great difficulty with assimilating your ambition into a lifestyle concretized by an imbalanced psychic state which originates in fundamental resentment. --- or, more specifically, deeply rooted, emotional malnourishment.

And while it cannot be disputed that the absence of relatives who contribute something of value to your well-being signifies a remarkable lack of valuable relationship, you will only be able to embrace those people who's behaviour and manner of conduct remains enclosed within the perimeter of preference you've set for your self primarily.

Thus will you be able to be as good a friend to another, in comparison to how well you treat your self.
How swiftly you beat your self down by judging your self too harshly, or by withholding a healthy flow of love and affirmation, in line with the belief-systems you've acquired and developed for your self.

So at the rudimentary level, it's all about the relationship you cultivate with your self.
The degree of freedom you experience in regards to your self-expression, will make way for the degree of freedom you will be able to cultivate in relation to others.

I say, focus on those elements of your being you intend to transform, ameliorate or bend around into a more favourable shape, before you focus on finding others to fulfill a role which is yours to begin with anyways.

If an individual's intent is to improve the quality of well-being, it is of crucial importance that he pays considerable attention to befriending himself first, in all ways imaginable.
For in the end you'll be left to your self anyways, so might as well start off at the core, and from thereon work your way outwards.

On the list of attributes which i deem you in need of, i'd also add 'capacity for [self-]tolerance & forgiveness, which are sub-components of self-love.
But all in all, i think you're heading in the right direction, but as with any and all recovering drug-addict(s), patience is required in order to implement this gradually transformative change.
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#33

Postby hypnotism » Sun Feb 07, 2016 8:12 am

thanks a lot for this
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#34

Postby Sadistic Vegan » Sat Mar 26, 2016 1:10 am

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _and instead act on creating a small example of what the human race could, and should be... but that would not be a true-"instead of"-;something needs killing..... I feel very strongly about this but it has no almost no foothold in sadism(regardless of my compulsion for it) and neither does what Kuklisnki did btw.

[ ="Introspectah"]As Plato's rumoured to have asserted; ''Philosophy is a preparation for death'', but not merely in the literal sense of the word.
As in order for a rebirth of [a conceptual] life to occur, something needs to be put to death, brought to permanent end.[/ ]

[ ="Introspectah"]Your deep-rooted desire to extricate humanity's thorn in the eye, points to your original involvement with the Myth of Hero and, later on, Tyrant.


Both supported by a similar or inseperable vision yet set off against eachother on the basis of constructive versus destructive intent.
Feels as if the mythologically meaningful phase of the dilemma between the personifications of God & Devil as sublimated facets of your unconscious psyche, and on a larger scale, humanity's collective unconscious, might provide greater clarity to this particular facet of your psyche's conflict.[/ ]

Not sure what you're saying here, but we have to be inspired by more than folklore, and made up stories. Otherwise we could end up lying to ourselves, misplacing and misusing our hope.



Sadistic Vegan said_ You mentioned "Kuklinski's sadism" a few times, this is a problem; there is no way he was a sadist, he was totally apathetic.

[ ="Introspectah"]I admit to a rather loose usage of the term, and a basic ignorance as to its infinitely diverse idiosyncracies.[/ ]


Seeing physical anguish simply gives me the best feelings I've ever had. Everything seems bright, and exciting; and I become enticed with the world. I think that's the most important thing to understand here.

I'll stop trying to profile Kuklinski here, my opinion of his psyche doesn't seem that relevant. I'll simply point out that he described having very little feelings when killing or watching something suffer, I’ve always felt manic when killing an animal or witnessing one of the few car accidents I've seen.


Sadistic Vegan said_I'd choose the latter(a life of hate and apathy), and yes it would be full blown this time. If you removed that "possible sporadic distress" condition; I would be somewhat inclined to choose the former.

[ =“Introspectah"]So if you were granted the freedom to chooe a life of love and affection disaffected by woe, you would opt for an immutably beneficial condition, with zero tolerance for setback?
Is this because you instinctively feel your self to be incapable of remaining indifferent to or unaffected by setback?
Because you'd expect your benevolence to be thwarted at the least of disappointments?[/ ]

Yes, if you just gave me an invincibly brighter life, I would accept it.

I’ve been trying for the majority of my life to both use and be driven by love, hope, and affection, I’m tired of wasting time on it all. I’d rather just confront things straight on, be honest about how I do, and don’t feel, and how things really are in the world. People talk about love so much, and the need for it, but it’s all an endless conundrum to me, one that would never produce any real world results if you ever even figured it out. I want people around me to realize the fact that “love”, and so many of these other immaterial things, all depend on adequate food and water. Starving people do not have the capacity for love or affection, people eat their children, children kill their friends in squabbles over food, this is happening in the confines of nearly a billion people right now, and yet love is so widely considered the most powerful force in nature, how can that be so? You won’t find it in a severely malnourished population.

It’s such a waste of time trying to define and identify feelings, as it can all be effectively boiled down to whether you feel good about something or not, whether something made you feel good or not. Sometimes you’ll find me more open to partake in intricate dissection of feelings, but this sh** gets exhausting, and I’ve never experienced such meditation on feelings(as I’ve done plenty of it in the past) produce any real results.

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _Would I taunt them? Very unlikely. Perhaps in a very illicit manner of psychological games, one in which would seem like genuine letters(doubtful as I am that'd be permitted), letters containing very few words, most likely asking them questions, or inviting them to subject me to their judgements, doing whatever I could to peak their interest. The goal in this case would be to get them to lose faith in the simple outlook that a monster had torn apart their daughter, and cause them pain(or closure perhaps) by exposing the fact that I was merely another impossibly complex and intricate human being in an impossibly complex and intricate world, giving them nowhere to dump their blame, and nowhere to dump their pain. I'm not sure how I would deal with my family but there'd be no more need to hold back how I felt about anything, to anybody, and I'd be committed to telling the truth to anyone who showed a desire to know.

[ ="Introspectah"]And the concluding statement which i've bolded is your ultimate goal, is it not?
To reveal to your family and its environment the true nature of the monster that's been created by their neglect of your most basic needs and wants?

Sadistic Vegan _ It would be nice and satisfying, yes, but for me to have a brighter future; I’m not sure it’s required. I would need a woman to see me for who I am, and accept it.

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _ I would also enjoy the fact that I had seen a facet of their child -that they nor no one else had ever seen- during the act.

[ ="Introspectah"]Because a component of your self-assigned purpose is to bring into the world by forceful magnification the monstruous aspects of humanity which sensitive minds prefer to conceal within the shadow of awareness?[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ Not really, although that may be true regarding a less specific topic, in this case however; it's simply that I get to see what kind of person she turns into when faced with that kind of pain, suffering, and fear. Her parents will never along with anyone else besides me will have ever seen that side of her.

[ ="Introspectah"]Pursuant to this course of reason---if i'm treading the right track---follows an idea which implies that your core motivation is to confront the world and its ignominious protagonists with its gruesome shadow to which creation they've negligently contributed?
To recalibrate the imbalance of the world's naivety and immorality, as a personification of the very evil they've co-operatively created yet fear to come near?
Thus you feel it is your duty to unleash this darkness upon the world while simultaneously exposing your invalidated self unto the world, as you feel it'd only be correct for you to come out in full explosion?[\ ]

[ ="Sadistic Vegan"] Strikingly accurate to me. Well said. My invalidated self would be my irrational desires for gruesome acts, and the immorality of the world I think is clear enough for you to identify.[\ ]

All the while, secretely motivated by your heart's desire to be recognized for peculiarities which you've always felt to have been unacknowledged?


Sadistic Vegan _ I don't want the world looking at me or what I've done, what I would come to do if I gave in completely. I do get-off(big time) on a very small number of people sharing that bridge of knowledge and emotions with me though, say a victim and their family, or just them and a few witnesses. Sometimes I wouldn't mind the world seeing what I'd leave behind, but it would satisfy me in a much different way, a way in which would be motivated for my desire to remind, and awake people of and to: the fact that they take so many of their privileges for granted, and that almost all of those privileges are useless. In other words my heart doesn't desire to be recognized myself, I simply have the slight urge to expose one or a few people to the depths of my personality, and primal nature(peculiarities).


[ ="Introspectah"]So what if you could come out in full disclosure of your psyche's idiosyncracy without having to act out your fantasies with horrendous repercussion?
From an egocentric point of view, the damage of repercussion inflicted upon your self as great as, or even worse than, the damage inflicted upon its immediate victims.[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ _ Not understanding what you mean here.


Sadistic Vegan said_No, if we are talking about gothics here: I felt no sentiment towards anything that made them represent humanity, I was only intrigued by the forbidden, macabre things I expected to find in them. The moment I saw things that made them represent the rest of humanity; is the moment I wanted to subject them to the true nature of evil, and wickedness.

[ ="Introspectah"]So if they were to have remained appearing to you as outcasts, irrepresentative of a humanity you loathe, you wouldn't have wanted to torture them [as much]?
Perhaps the prerequisite for someone to escape the clutches of your murderous obsession is that you estimate them to have been fulfilling a role similar to yours in this life?[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ Well, that would keep them around for awhile, but if they also had a super-predatory mindset, they pose a threat to me automatically, even if they didn't, I would eventually get curious enough to try preying on them, after having about as much fun as I could with them.


Sadistic Vegan said_but I should note how strange it seems to me, vengeance on women(whether called for or not) is the last thing on my mind when I image murdering them in such intimate ways.

[ ="Introspectah"]Because if you would be aware of your innermost drive to destruction, your eyes would be opened to the vulnerability and pain which underlies it.
Yet it is most convenient to detach your self of your innermost agony and vulnerability by remorselessly fulfilling your sadistic longing.
Furthermore, ''murdering them in such intimate ways'' reveals that you want to be intimate with women but don't know how to be constructive about it.
In fact, you could not be constructive about it if you wanted, for your unconscious psychic inclination pushes you off into a compulsion which necessitates action.
But underneath this compulsion lies the root to all your perverted desire which stem in benevolence after all.[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ This also sparked a lot of rage within me, it's like I want love but have no idea how to go about it, which makes me want to fulfill my fantasies more than ever. Have you ever seen a gorgeous woman in total physical and mental anguish? It feels like pure love.


[ ="Introspectah"]Remarkably, a man's propensity to treat women in a particular way is modeled after the example his relationship towards his mother has set, and exactly how affectionately intimate she's decided to treat her son.

We're taught by examples which make indelible imprints upon our unconscious psyche, which we willy-nilly carry along with us until we make use of our matured, slightly detached intellect in order to gain fresh perspective and rewire the habitual patterns of our brain, which will continue to dictate our ways for as long as we do not interrupt this vicious cycle.

So whether or not you want to be aware of this, you will continue walking in the footsteps of your mother's disreputable trail, and will continue to be overcome by the compulsory desire to wreak vengeance upon members of her gender who exhibit traits reminiscent of the disdainful features of your mother's incompetence.

Or to be more precise in this instance, i must say that it seems to me that you cannot help but be attracted to and infatuated by characteristics which stand opposite to those contemptible features exemplified by your mother's incompetence---nevertheless in the end falling back upon a misogynistic compulsion which nourishes your sadistic enchantment : i presume.

So as consequence to the trend of intimacy set in relation to your mother, will you only be able to develop according affection for members of her gender.
I'd even go as far as to speculate that you cannot love any women more than you have been loved by your mother, because at bottom all women equally revolt you in one way or another.
Be this because of their weakness, susceptibility to manipulation, their distrustability, or perhaps due to a physical attraction which appeals to the bloody lustful predator within you.

Although i'm portionally speculating here, so you tell me whether these statements touch a nerve or strike a meaningful chord.
It's best to pay attention to sensations which arise upon being confronted in such a way, rather than to immediately attach too great of an importance onto disproportionately influential thought mechanisms that usually function in defiance of the meaningful volatility of emotions.

So while you may instinctively reject certain statements listed up above by way of mental justification, the inclination of your emotions may contradict your standards and opinions.

So my advice is to listen to your emotions, no matter how painful they might come across, or perhaps just because you sense them so painfully, for within the pain lies the answer.
What have you got to lose?

Perhaps the most valuable asset you might lose is your status as untouchable tyrant with heroïc flair. [\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ Yes, it strikes a chord, and I think you might be onto something. I don't have a whole lot of emotions towards this, but when you point out that I can only be attracted to women that are essentially the antithesis to my mother, that really says something to me. As for ones relationship with their mother determining their feelings/preferences in intimacy towards women, it's an interesting concept for me. It doesn't really cause me pain, I simply go blank, and feel nothing when thinking about these things, it's hard for me to know how much I can love a woman, or if it's enough to be considered love.

Sadistic Vegan _ Untouchable tyrant with a heroic flair? That's ironically quite accurate regarding my approach to the world. I don't desire that status, I don't care what others think of me, as long as I can do everything a heroic tyrant can do; that's all I care about.


[ ="Introspectah"]So would you say you're more likely to be attracted to a woman who's low in confidence as opposed to a woman who in her ways is supported by a solid foundation of self-confidence?[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan (previously) _More likely yes, not to say that I couldn't be attracted to the latter.

[ ="Introspectah"]I invite you to excercise your imagination in order to draw parallels in between the women you're attracted to and the one woman who forms the basis of all comparison to women.
Although, as i've shown up above, it might be so that you find your self attracted to features which directly oppose the revulsion your mother's ways have elicited within you.

Performing this associative excercise is of massive importance, even if you can't immediately see the benefit of it, so i urge you to undertake the effort.
But if something prohibits you from proceeding upon this act, please do inform me.

that will be a continual exercise I guess, I'll keep you updated, but I can say that I am attracted to very beautiful women that stand out, especially if they are shy, and socially passive, or avoidant, or even if they are very socially adept and abnormally outgoing, my mother is very emotionally unstable, and can be very explosive. Her buttons are just out in the open for everyone to push, if they are not pressed, she will find something to press them against, and nothing can ever be her fault, or her responsibility.

I've just realized recently, after thinking back, that she was never there for me; I was always there for her, even when I didn't want to be. I never remember her following me anywhere, or supporting me in anything I wanted to commit myself to: off-hand. She just kept me with her, at all times whenever she could get away with it, but I know it was all based in fear, and outright selfishness. She never encouraged me to do anything but stay inside and watch television with her. [\ ]


[ ="Introspectah"]And after 2-4 hours you still haven't pinpointed an accessible target?[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _ Correct, this would happen in my own residence(in which I lived alone in), these are can be very intense, I'm in no mood to drive or cycle anywhere when they happen, but afterwards I'm left with a deep sadistic hunger. Before; they would only last about 20-30 minutes, it really depends how many people are around.

[ ="Introspectah"]But if during any of these occurences you've never locked onto a feasible target, let alone having had the power to act out your internal and infernal preoccupation, doesn't this prove that the purpose of these recurrent tidal waves which flow from out of the unconscious depths is not to physically implement them but to wallow in rapturous intoxication?
Perhaps the purpose of this compulsively recurrent tidal wave is to bring immediate relief, much comparable to the drug addict's rush?

Of course, afterwards you're left with hunger for more, but has a relief of sorts occured?
Are you aware of what sort of circumstances trigger this particular tidal wave?[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ There is no relief, I simply get exhausted. I am aware of very few triggers, usually it always involves real people being around me.



Sadistic Vegan said_I've had some in Walmart during the day that lasted a few minutes, but those will keep happening over and over again until I leave, even then, they will continue untill I get exhausted. It's not everyday, they remind me of the almost constant catatonic/super hyper states I would or go into as a child.

[ ="Introspectah"]Can you elaborate with detailed reference to the circumstances and triggers that manifested these states of being?
The fact that you mention having gone through such states as a child signifies the probability of a naturally inherited psychic predisposition, perhaps related to the psychic diagnoses you were categorized by.[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ Are you referring to my Asperger's diagnosis?

It gets triggered mostly by attractive young/teenage women, sometimes by children also. I also have other different episodes(far more bearable) that can be triggered by large groups of people, it's basically just the feeling of needing to fight, kill, and destroy; I don't mind these at all, they are far less intense than the former.


Sadistic Vegan said_2. It feels far stronger than any addiction I've had.

[ ="Introspectah"]Of course, because your personality is built upon this foundation of emotional malnourishment.
In order to get rid or primarily ameliorate this addiction, you'd have to retrace the origins of your innermost pain.
This is why i attach such great importance unto travelling back in time by following the trail of your memories, and indefatigably investigating the surrounding atmosphere of your memory's blind spots.

Your emotions will often revoke reminiscent sensations which your mental memory has lost touch with.[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ I don't do well with a full spectrum of emotions, it's incredibly confusing and unstable feeling. But I'm willing to experiment obviously. Just tell me what to do.


Sadistic Vegan (previously) _Like I said, sometimes my morals go out the window, aside from that; I've always been committed to not murder anyone for sadistic satisfaction.

[ ="Introspectah"]Why's that?[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ Just to maintain a sense of pride I think.


Sadistic Vegan said_I would like to get more involved in the Vegan community. I could devote my life to causes like that, and plan to. But that doesn't make it all go away…

[ ="Introspectah"]Pursuing this ambition is not meant to alleviate your psychic distress altogether, but it might signify an incipient breakthrough --- perhaps an enjoyable enrichment of or infusion of quality into your life.[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ I definitely plan on doing something.

Sadistic Vegan said_how the hell, am I supposed to find anyone like what she’s(Teal) talking about when it comes to sadism? How do I even ask for help?(I've been searching for reputable Doctors online btw, specialists, though I doubt the real answer lies there)

[ ="Introspectah"]You need to look no further.
Modestly speaking, i believe that what we've going on could possibly activate your capacity for drastic self-renewal.
Although it's a process which requires time and commitment; the end-result of which can not be guaranteed.

But i foresee great potential.[\ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ I've been changing lately, and it's shocking to me. My views are the same, but I've felt things that I've never quite felt in my entire life before, it's very strange, and these things come out of nowhere, but just today: I felt obligated to remove some discord my father had towards me, the reason was simple, even though he was arrogant about veganism( I suspect he has a very immature and naive opposition to it, along with all the viable research and history I site.); it felt wrong for me to allow him to remain feeling the way he did about me(that his son has changed into someone he despises). I knew the quickest way to make him feel better about me would be to apologize for my recent behavior, though I have nothing to apologize for, I wanted to do it anyway, just to make my day go better. I rode to see him in his office he let me in but was very busy with computer work which I didn't expect, so I missed the optimum window for apology. I'm pissed off about it now, it would have been a waste of time for the world in the first place, and now it's a waste of time for me. I have never literally chosen to be arrogant or uninformed about anything, people like this(my family) don't deserve to live, they all need to die with a f***ing bomb, or in as cheap a manner as possible, even in death, people in such deformed societies wreak havoc on basic human resources.


Sadistic Vegan said_The connection with my mother you keep trying to make is just not getting through to me, I'm trying every way I can, but I just don't feel it.

[ ="Introspectah"]Perhaps this just shows how disconnected you've become from your roots.
This primordial disappointment and frustration may be buried so deeply within your unconscious that you can merely scratch the surface of its extension into and impact onto your life, while perhaps mistaking the ramifications of this fundamental sadness and bitterness as a consequence of something else altogether.

Fact of the matter is your mother was the primary caretaker you'd put faith in, and she let you down.
This pivotal let-down is bound to have wrought its havoc, and its repercussions are [to my eyes] clearly visible in your bloodlust towards women.

But i understand that it may be damn hard to make the connection.
Still, just because you can't seem to make the connection at the moment, doesn't mean it isn't there, is it?
For the most part, man's life takes place in the realm of the unconscious, while our conscious minds merely scratch the surface of our vast, boundless psyches.

If you genuinely want to unravel the bitter feelings of resentment which have been interwoven in the bond that's been formed with your mother, and the imprint it's made upon your unconscious psyche, then the route to be taken is to be accessed within.

Your emotions will tell you more than i ever could.
Meaning lies in the little things; those circumstantial triggers, remarks or such, that provoke a particular resentful emotion within you, will point the way.
The trick is to seize the opportunity when it arises, and follow the lead, as opposed to invalidating or rejecting the emotion in favour of upholding status quo.

Perhaps the reason why you cannot seem to make association to the sadness, apathy, hatred and so on, which your mother has brought about, is because its remembrance will inevitably invoke feelings of weakness which you don't want to identify with. No?[\ ]



Sadistic Vegan _ As you know it's been more than a few weeks, and I now can say that I see a definite neurosis towards my mother, it actually occurred just within the past few days thanks to what you keep insisting being in the back of my head. It didn't happen until I started interacting with older women(some at the new job I took here, and some I've been speaking with online), I also have always been jealous of other men that clearly have or, have had, mothers who are beautiful, confident, competent, and caring. I suddenly see it clear as day, and I have no problem now admitting, accepting, and being a “boy with “mommy issues”.


[ ="Introspectah"]Relevant reference;
But of course, now it does not any more seem to you as if your and the child's needs are synonymous because you've willingly disidentified with the vulnerability you've systematically sought to annihilate, as an apex predator is marked by its inability to be hurt or defeated, given he succesfully maintains a habitat of superiority and a lifestyle in accordance to this superiority, this coldness of heart, this disaffection to the hurtful feelings the child within you has once been victimized by.[\ ]

Introspectah wrote:
Once more, revisit the segment of Freud on neurosis and such.

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _ Can’t find open access to his published work, I read a few annotations and summaries on the segment.


Freud, regression, and neurosis
Freud saw development, fixation, and regression as centrally formative elements in the creation of a neurosis. Arguing that 'the libidinal function goes through a lengthy development', he assumed that 'a development of this kind involves two dangers - first, of inhibition, and secondly, of regression '.[3] Inhibitions produced fixations; and the 'stronger the fixations on its path of development, the more readily will the function evade external difficulties by regressing to the fixations'.[4]

Neurosis for Freud was thus the product of a flight from an unsatisfactory reality 'along the path of involution, of regression, of a return to earlier phases of sexual life, phases from which at one time satisfaction was not withheld. This regression appears to be a twofold one: a temporal one, in so far as the libido, the erotic needs, hark back to stages of development that are earlier in time, and a formal one, in that the original and primitive methods of psychic expression are employed in manifesting those needs'.[5]

[6]Behaviors associated with regression can vary greatly depending upon which stage the person is fixated at: An individual fixated at the oral stage might begin eating or smoking excessively, or might become very verbally aggressive. A fixation at the anal stage might result in excessive tidiness or messiness. Freud recognised that 'it is possible for several fixations to be left behind in the course of development, and each of these may allow an irruption of the libido that has been pushed off - beginning, perhaps, with the later acquired fixations, and going on, as the lifestyle develops, to the original ones'.[7].

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regression_(psychology)



Sadistic Vegan _ These concepts are becoming more and more interesting to me lately. I see some truth in them, the development of a human's psyche through childhood is likely much more definitive than I’d admit.


Sadistic Vegan wrote:
and I would have tortured them forever if I could. I've never felt anything so intense, and it would often take 30 minutes or more for it to go away, then I'd just lay face down on the bed and go to sleep.


Introspectah wrote:
I need you to remember why you never felt anything this intense.

Sadistic Vegan said_I don't remember ever discovering "why". Just be more blunt already, unless you're trying to slowly maneuver my psyche around in some clandestine attempt, I wouldn't want to shatter that fragile method now would I?

[ ="Introspectah"]I've been frank from the start. No holds barred.
Or no bars held.
The reason why i attach such great importance to analyzing the reason why you've never been overcome by such an intense infatuation, is because the cause of this unusually intense break-out might provide greater knowledge to what breeds and continues to nourish your irrepressible sadistic urges.

Keeping in consideration the possibility to diminish the mastery your unconscious impulses exert upon you, if you'd so choose to.[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ Well, I am a virgin, and I have no idea what it's like to be in mutual love with a woman. I've been high on caffeine, “low” on prescription meds, never drunk, I get endorphins nearly everyday from cycling, and mountain training, I've had a few adrenaline rushes, I really don't know what else to say. There there are many things I'd like to explore.


Sadistic Vegan wrote:
Are you willing to take the time to reawaken these memories of old?

Yes, I don't fear them, they are actually relieving to me.(Whether it's real or not, that's reason enough)

Introspectah- Keep me updated on the progress you'll be making in regards to this pursuit.
Or if you'd be in the need of receiving some form of external support which would bring you back in touch with these memories of old.

Sadistic Vegan _ haven't thought about it lately, I'll try tonight. Yeah, I'm really not sure how to bring them to the very surface of my mind.


Introspectah wrote:
Thus there's a morality in place which keeps you from becoming as irresponsible a parent as your parents were to you?
Quite a chink in the armor of your overall hatred for humanity, isn't it?

You hate those who have misused their potential but you do not hate those who have yet to begin acting out their potential, perhaps because you identify with the powerlessness expressed in the child's inevitable reliance on its parents and the world?


Sadistic Vegan wrote_ Yes, that's completely accurate.


[ ="Introspectah"]Thus, theoretically, you'd not be inclined to subject a completely powerless, seemingly innocent individual to such sadistic intentions?
Or perhaps you wouldn't even make an exception for this type of human being?[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ It all depends on how worked up I am, I would create a moral boundary around them if I had a stable enough life.

Introspectah wrote:
In other words, you'd rather not reidentify with certain sensations of vulnerability which you'd rather bury altogether, or denounce as unworthy of recollection or retrospective scrutiny?


Sadistic Vegan (previously) _Yeah, but why is it always so damn necessary for me to throw myself off a bridge in order to become a better version of myself?[/ ]

[ ="Introspectah"]I'm lost for the reason why you'd compared reawakening your sense of vulnerability to throwing your self off the bridge.
Is it because associating with your innermost vulnerability stands equal to voluntary death in your eyes?
That in order to thrive you have to evade your vulnerability at all costs?[\ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ Yes, I am under no delusions of being invulnerable, I've worked and pushed my boundaries my whole life to overcome vulnerabilities, these included, after enough failure I have decided that I cannot become totally invulnerable, and that some things need to be avoided.


[ ="Introspectah"]Vulnerability is so crucial because it's your nature.
We're all vulnerable by nature.
In my previous lengthy response in here, in which i depicted the background to my story, i discussed the nature of vulnerability and how it applies to every single one of us.

It's not something you acquire or are in the freedom to choose.
You either remain vulnerable to a unmeasurable degree or you adopt a defense mechanism in order to protect your self from being vulnerable to a society which you esteem as intrinsically hostile to your health.

But by now it seems that you've grown so strongly in a particular direction that each impulse which instigates your sense of vulnerability is immediately converted in something for you to consume and nourish your strength, and sense of superiority over a weak world, to which you willy-nilly belong.

Every time we condemn someone else, the opportunity arise for us to learn more about that which we dislike about our selves.
When you're subjecting someone to overly harsh judgement, all you're in fact doing is judging your self, but utilizing a scapegoat to share or alleviate the burden.[\ ]

Introspectah wrote:
Still I want to shift your gaze towards the ignorance that may've held them in a spell, and the pain they may also have felt to have been inflicted by as hopelessly defenseless children.


Sadistic Vegan said_What good does pitying them do?

[ ="Introspectah"]Emitting pity does no good to anyone involved.
I'm talking about doing the research or analysis in order to understand so that you may activate within you feelings of compassion for the weakness they've portrayed, and helplessness they've so maliciously fed you with.

People can only be held accountable insofar as they were conscious of their deeds.
Sure you may hold them accountable for a duty they've refused to uphold for reasons unknown, but partially they were unaware of what drove them, what motivated them to neglect you.

During my step-sister's depression my step-mother didn't seem to provide the care that would normally be expected of her, and all were left to wonder why.
Later on i learned that she wasn't ready to face the sadness of her daughter which she couldn't face her self.
Most people are only able to love others to the degree they are willing to and capable of loving themselves.
And the capacity for self-love is an immediate corollary out of a child's upbringing.
So no matter how heroïc a child may choose to be in taking the entire burden upon himself, his parents are always the first to be held responsible.
For their entire approach towards the child will have formed the basis of the child's personality.
From there on, once the child acquires a sense of independence, will (s)he grow accordant self-responsability.

But to take it all upon your self is a sign of deliberate self-punishment.
To punish your self because you let it all happen to you, because you allowed your self to be hurt by such insensible people.
[/ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ I can understand nearly any point of view, I understand why they are the he way they are, and can do the same with nearly anyone. I have not however studied the psychological mechanisms outright, and that's something I'm open to. Learning how human minds work interests me allot.




Sadistic Vegan said_Here's what's bothering me(but also keeping me here): I have yet to find someone that can say they've been cured of this kind of sadism. Obviously, I don't have any better ideas than this at the present time, but I’m assuming you need to know what's in the back of my head, and it’s doubt. In my experience, if you have to believe in something in order for it to work; then it dosen’t work.

[ ="Introspectah"]Well, turn it around then.
If you hold onto a belief which dictates that whatever methods you try out, you won't succeed, then how can it possibly be proven to work --- if you fundamentally disbelieve?

I endorse an open mind which refrains from writing something off as impossible before it's been fully tried out first.
But i understand why it seems impossible to you.
Still, the opposite shouldn't be seen as less likely. --- if only theoretically.
[/ ]

Sadistic Vegan _ I haven't been able to find anyone who specializes in treating sadistic compulsions. I suppose that's because it's looked at as a symptom, not an independent factor. To me however it does seem totally independent. I can be truly happy with my life sometimes, for small moments, but I'm still a sadist, I yearn for danger, chaos, and gore, and I enjoy it when I see others in weak states when things get real. I naturally want to get as close to these things as possible, they are both calming and exciting to me.

Sadistic Vegan _ One thing that's strange, since our exchanges my sadisms “range” let's say has widened, however as a whole it has become less intense and started to regress. What I mean by this is that I now have sadism(non-sexually orientated) towards men, and persons of all types(elders, middle aged, peer, children, teenager, gay, straight, overweight, ect.)

I also haven't had a sadistic episode in over two weeks.

Sadistic Vegan (previously) _my life is already that of a recovering addict if you look at it from a distance, with a few things missing:

1.”people”(new friends, family, supports[all of which I have many issues with developing])

2. An enjoyable life.

What else would you add?[/ ]

[ ="Introspectah"]I might sum up a number of meaningful features which nonetheless are entangled with or branched off the root causes mentioned above.
Though ''an enjoyable'' life is a rather shallow definition of a much more complex, multi-layered dimension of being.

For according to my reasoning, an enjoyable life isn't by definition free from conflict --- rather, the enjoyment or satisfaction results out of your approach to indispensable conflict of opinion or whatever.

It might also be noted that purpose is lacking in your life.
That on the one hand you've got a rather clear idea of where you want to take your life, but experience great difficulty with assimilating your ambition into a lifestyle concretized by an imbalanced psychic state which originates in fundamental resentment. --- or, more specifically, deeply rooted, emotional malnourishment.

And while it cannot be disputed that the absence of relatives who contribute something of value to your well-being signifies a remarkable lack of valuable relationship, you will only be able to embrace those people who's behaviour and manner of conduct remains enclosed within the perimeter of preference you've set for your self primarily.

Thus will you be able to be as good a friend to another, in comparison to how well you treat your self.
How swiftly you beat your self down by judging your self too harshly, or by withholding a healthy flow of love and affirmation, in line with the belief-systems you've acquired and developed for your self.

So at the rudimentary level, it's all about the relationship you cultivate with your self.
The degree of freedom you experience in regards to your self-expression, will make way for the degree of freedom you will be able to cultivate in relation to others.

I say, focus on those elements of your being you intend to transform, ameliorate or bend around into a more favourable shape, before you focus on finding others to fulfill a role which is yours to begin with anyways.

If an individual's intent is to improve the quality of well-being, it is of crucial importance that he pays considerable attention to befriending himself first, in all ways imaginable.
For in the end you'll be left to your self anyways, so might as well start off at the core, and from thereon work your way outwards.


On the list of attributes which i deem you in need of, i'd also add 'capacity for [self-]tolerance & forgiveness, which are sub-components of self-love.
But all in all, i think you're heading in the right direction, but as with any and all recovering drug-addict(s), patience is required in order to implement this gradually transformative change.[/ ]


Sadistic Vegan _ My forgiveness and tolerance doesn't last long at all, regardless of how thoroughly understandable my (or another's) failures are. It's also hard to forgive when there is no way to release my lifelong accumulation of anger, even when my sadism was absent, even when my body was eating itself alive from malnourishment, I wanted to kill and destroy in the worst way.
Sadistic Vegan
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