Relationship with partner before and after weed

Postby Ihceik » Wed Dec 16, 2015 9:11 am

This question is perhaps more for the long term quitters to answer. I'm curious, how has your relationship with your partner changed since quitting? I've noticed my relationship has become worse and we peactically argue everyday. She hate me smoking and always encouraged me to quit... But since I have she has changed and become irritable. She doesn't like the change in personality from being completely subdued to having an opinion. I know I'm up and down because of paws, but I thought shed be happy with me quit (1 year 2 months now) but she's become hostile and generally a dislikable person. She was much nicer when I was stoned everyday begging for her forgiveness for buying a bag when I said I would quit. Can anyone else identify with this situation? Kinda lost here.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Dec 16, 2015 10:12 am

Hi,
I'm not so sure this is about weed v's no weed. Sometimes when a factor in a relationship changes it effects the 'whole' when it at first seemed to be to help it.
When my then wife both went to see counsellor's for our own reasons and in the joint hope it would help our failing marriage, it actually broke it because she went to find out if she actually wanted to stay married to me... we both parted shortly after because we both realised we couldn't/didn't want to save it.
In your situation, you describe being subdued whilst using and you got on better after stopping... perhaps this is how it seemed but perhaps your 'true' personality was hidden and now it's not? Did she ever know the real you? Did you ever know her?
The answer is not to go back to smoking but to ask if the relationship is what you want and if not, talk about what to do about it... a mutual exit if needed??

best wishes
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#2

Postby bert_ernie » Wed Dec 16, 2015 10:22 am

hi,

i can't relate directly to your situation. i can tell you though that i think this can be a somewhat common reaction.

explanation idea 1.

friends can take comfort in being losers together. what i mean by this is eg say there is a fat girl, and she is friends with another fat girl, this will in a way make them both feel less bad about being fat. because there is someone else in the world with their problem (not that being fat is a problem per se, but i assume most people see it that way). now if one of the 2 starts taking action & dealing with their weight, the other one will feel afraid to be losing their fat friend. not to actually lose the friend, but that they will be alone with their problem. well maybe also afraid to actually lose the friend. as if the friend is now too good for them.

so a slightly similar thing could be happening with your partner. beforehand you were a lovable pot smoking loser. now you seem like you're getting your act together which could be frightening. what if you're too good for her now & you leave her?

explanation idea 2.

perhaps she liked having power. before you were like her meek little slave. now that you're getting opinions & a mind of your own she feels she has to put down the revolt to restore her power in your little world. power can be addictive.

that's just 2 possible explanations mind you. talking to your girlfriend & trying to find out what's going on in that pretty little head of hers by directly asking her is probably the best option before you go running theoretical scenarios like the ones i just threw up.

edit: i like tokeless' idea also. i have never smoked pot but i understand it can affect your personality quite drastically.
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#3

Postby Furtive » Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:15 am

This is something I wondered about.

I met my wife while I was in a permanent but functional stoned state.
To be honest I was mostly okay then but I had issues.

She worried that I'd get bored with her - she's kind, sensible, loving, stable, never smoked anything.
I'm comparatively dangerous and self destructive.
We're good together but I had stuff to work out and there was a lot of change in my life outside my relationship.
I began vaping ridiculous amounts of weed and after about 3 years of that, I realised I had to try to sort myself out
Or lose everything, it was a lot worse than just forgetfulness, I was losing the plot.

at around 2 months quit we talked about what a change I was going through & she said again she thought
I might leave her.
We're still together. That was almost 3 years ago.
I don't need her support as much now, and that worries her.

It's just change.
We all change and so do our careers etc. Relationships too. They don't stand still.
That's part of why you have to work on a happy marriage.
Weed habits are just one part of that change.
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