5 months in

#15

Postby Theguider » Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:23 pm

Im glad you're finding yourself again and keep that you'll be better mind set cause any man that can make it to the other side of this mental battle will come back better than before. Im just a year and a bit over my quit. I dont really think about th
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#16

Postby Theguider » Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:31 pm

Im glad you're finding more of yourself and keep that l will be better mind set cause any one that can make it to the other side of this mental battle will come back better than before simply because of the confidence an certain u need tohave to keep going. Im just a year and a bit over my quit. I dont really think about this that much anymore life just moves on
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#17

Postby soulvice » Wed Jul 27, 2016 2:57 am

The month got away from me yet again. Still have a couple bad days here and there but definitely outweighing now. I just have to make myself busy because it is still hard for me to relax, I need to occupy my mind and that will keep it happy, I feel like this is in a way an answer to life but it is just a little harder to let go and relax like I used to (namely with a certain drug..) but I feel like things are always on the up even when I get those bad spells it doesn't really bother me as they say, I just let the feelings be there and I don't address them, and they pass.

Depersonalisation is the hardest remaining factor and it is much dimmer than it used to be that's for sure. My short term memory and long term are improving a lot, I just feel a lot clearer and I find myself remembering what I ate, what I did or things to do much easier in fact I have proof because I used to make a list of things to do every single day and that was just outlining what I had to do in that particular day, but now I don't need a daily one and I find myself making them for more big picture things I need to do which I feel is a step forward as big picture used to be much scarier to me.

Anyway this is just another update nothing too much to offer, I'm still travelling with my band, Sydney this weekend, and a full tour in October, and I'm actually looking forward to it!

Cheers for reading, and just remember you may not BE better yet, but you will FEEL better soon, I can promise that, time moves forwards and so will you.
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#18

Postby akash agarwal » Wed Jul 27, 2016 2:53 pm

Hi theguider and soulvice

I m 4month 15 days clean
I have similar problem like u mentioned
Hard to watch tv or movies or cellphone
Due to DP DR
Difficulty concentrating
Anxiety due to dp dr
Not able to hold any job and every day kinda difficult to spend i just wasting my life ...going talking with frnds nd kid's
Every morning scared depressed anxious
Low energy excitement

How u feeling when u reaching up to a year .
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#19

Postby obelix » Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:55 am

akash agarwal wrote:Hi theguider and soulvice

I m 4month 15 days clean
I have similar problem like u mentioned
Hard to watch tv or movies or cellphone
Due to DP DR
Difficulty concentrating
Anxiety due to dp dr
Not able to hold any job and every day kinda difficult to spend i just wasting my life ...going talking with frnds nd kid's
Every morning scared depressed anxious
Low energy excitement

How u feeling when u reaching up to a year .


I think from what I read in your posts you have quit now for longer than you smoked. Your smoking seems to have been very brief and light in comparison to every other experience I have read on this forum and I would be surprised if during that period you could have gained such a level of addiction. With respect I think you are convincing yourself that all these symptoms you are experiencing are down to a few months of smoking weed but actually you may be suffering from a more underlying health issue. There is evidence to show cannabis use enhances mental health issues if they are already there in the first place (having schizophrenia in my wifes family we have been over this a lot) I would really recommend that you seek professional advice for the conditions you are talking about. I don't wish to offend you but I think you have to start looking at other possibilities at why you feel the way you do.
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#20

Postby akash agarwal » Thu Jul 28, 2016 10:47 am

I went to 3 physiatrist they just put me on aniti depressent .
Well i m finding a good doc who l help me out

One guy pip boy smoked for 2 weeks and he was sufferings for about 1 year or more

I my terrible symptom is derealiztion depersonalization wich cause anxiety

Thanks
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#21

Postby JoeBloggs » Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:31 pm

akash agarwal wrote:I went to 3 physiatrist they just put me on aniti depressent .
Well i m finding a good doc who l help me out


I think they may put you on an SSRI like Prozac (fluoxetine). Be totally honest with the doctors so tell them you were smoking cannabis - that way they can give you the right treatment.
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#22

Postby akash agarwal » Fri Jul 29, 2016 4:56 am

Yeah for sure
And i have done MRI of my brain in that clinical notes mentioned its anxiety. I feel like i m blind ( i can see everything but detached from everything) this is scary shitt its not seems to get bettr at 5 month mark
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#23

Postby urreacp » Fri Jul 29, 2016 6:37 pm

akash agarwal wrote:Yeah for sure
And i have done MRI of my brain in that clinical notes mentioned its anxiety. I feel like i m blind ( i can see everything but detached from everything) this is scary shitt its not seems to get bettr at 5 month mark


I'm sorry, Akash, I just don't see any conceivable way that this could be due to MJ smoking with your usage history.
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#24

Postby akash agarwal » Sat Jul 30, 2016 3:57 am

@ureacp
I know ...i also think the same but why this problem started when i stopped smoking?
I was high and i got panic attacks so i left smoking and after 2 days withdrawal started dp dr bother me in very bad manners
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#25

Postby soulvice » Fri Sep 02, 2016 7:25 am

Another month goes by, 5 weeks actually. This entry will be very different to previous. So about a month ago was my 1 year since quitting, about now is 1 year from when I got all the DP/anxiety symptoms. I honestly completely forgot and it wasn't like a big deal to me, and I think this is the way you should treat it, the smaller a deal this whole DP thing is to you the less it affects your life, it's a pretty simple equation that I almost relate to the laws of motion. The more attention you give it, the more negativity it pulls from you, the less attention you give it the more room for positivity and recovery to grow.

Why I say this entry is different is because I technically made it to 1 year but did not pass it. A few weeks back I had some of that "evil" MJ we all speak of. Yes it is evil and yes I may or may not be here right now if it wasn't for it. But I was having a lot of trouble letting go of the DP feeling that I was getting when near it. I went to some friends places where they were doing it and I'd just get ridiculous DP and anxiety just being around it like a placebo effect where I'd feel high regardless of consuming it (and I don't mean in a good way).

So anyway when I had some I didn't feel much so I did it the next night properly and safe to say I didn't enjoy it, but you know what after the next few days getting out of the fog it gives you, I was back to normal and actually feeling more confident around it and even talking about it. I don't regret confirming my stance on it and regaining some confidence when being around the substance which was making me very very nervous. So I don't consider this starting again because I feel just the same as I did before if anything a little better.

Anyway life goes on and I will probably see you all in a month to update. To those suffering just please do not try to put a date on anything and learn to deal with your symptoms how they are don't try and fix them, find a way to make life work with them and life will find a way to fix you itself.
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#26

Postby soulvice » Mon Oct 31, 2016 5:21 am

So this entry comes 2 months later, as life has taken the place of remembering about this forum. I feel as though I don't particularly need to be coming back and writing this stuff but I feel an obligation to myself when I was struggling to make sure I helped others when I made it through the thick of it. So technically 1 year 2 months in, a lot of things have changed some haven't. I still have the occasional bad day but mostly I can handle the majority of life's situations. One thing I think I need to stress is that people find a hobby. even a career path if it ends up that way. something creative, something that you need to give to not just watch TV or play a game. If I didn't have my band and my audio production / recordings I think i'd be in a much worse place.

A lot of things seem hard in life but for me mixing is quite therapeutic. It can be very stressful with the actual art of getting something to sound how you can hear it in your head but as a whole it's something that gives me a rewarding feeling and I think we all need some reward system as marijuana and "normal" life had us taking that for granted. Now we must make our own rewards and make them ourselves not from a drug or anything else you may have been addicted to.

Keep pushing and never look back, and if you have to, look back in a reflection of how far you've come, use the looking back as fuel to move forwards.
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#27

Postby soulvice » Thu Jan 19, 2017 6:16 am

Just want to do a quick update, 3 months since my last one! To be honest I'd almost completely forgot about this site and as helpful and crucial it was initially I think that can only be a positive thing to my recovery.

I have done a lot in this time, I am constantly busy with recording bands, work and my own band. We just finished our next album and I was skyping the guy who's mixing our album from Thailand on Monday and It was a really cool experience he had a program called Teamviewer which allowed me to see and control his screen, I learnt a lot. Anyway this was a 15 hour session from 2pm to 4:30am in the morning with 10 minute breaks maybe every 5 or so hours haha, the point is I thought I was not going to be able to handle it or concentrate etc but I did just fine, infact I felt totally fine at 4:30, and I feel this is a sign of the anxieties getting better.

I have a lot of anxiety about our album and how it will be received but that's a totally different type of nervous, it's a good thing. In terms of the feelings associated with "PAWS" for the most part they do not bother me in the slightest anymore. Certain things still scare me but I usually push through them and ask myself what I was worrying about afterwards.

Life is hard, it never gets easier and maybe we are all being put to the test to prove to ourselves we are all stronger than we truly think. Push through everyday one at a time and just try to view everything as a challenge and a way to say watch me beat this, watch me perform this task without giving a moment to these feelings, cause in the end that's what they are, feelings, just things we feel inside ourself, it can't hurt you if you don't let it, you are in control.
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#28

Postby soulvice » Tue May 09, 2017 4:53 am

Hey guys,

I haven't post here in a long time, almost 5 months, and there's a reason why. I have been trying to hold off on posting here as I feel like I am over the hill with all of this and I need to continue on with my life and it is stressful enough and can be hard to think about how bad I was in that first very suicidal week almost 2 years ago now.

However I always said to myself I would come back and be that person that I wanted and needed so badly in those early days. I feel like I am at the stage of a lot of "recovered" people on this site, I can read all sorts and talk about depersonalisation and other related things and barely feel that feeling. It's about being present in the moment and not somewhere else, and it's not something that you can really will yourself to do, it's something you have to will yourself not to do, not to think about the symptoms, to recognise them yes, but to not give them any extra thought and let them pass just the same as they come.

"bad days" are few and far between now, and most of my bad days are just regular life bad days, cause what you have to remember is DP and related symptoms are caused by anxiety and the "fight or flight" mode of your brain, so you are trying to escape reality, hence why you feel like you aren't present. But once you become present, you are present in the real world and your real life and everything is still the same it's not a fairy tale ending and everything else in your life is fixed, BUT let me tell you this real life I am now living is a lot easier to face without those thoughts taking over every second of every day.

So completely immerse yourself in your own life, don't just distract yourself, really commit to things, try and find new or interesting hobbies and adventures in your life. And also go and hang out with your friends at least once a week I think is ideal, you need to be reminding yourself that everyone has their problems and you are not the only one in the deep end so to speak.

Good luck to every one here on their recovery and just remember it DOES get better, no matter how slow it may seem, you are improving everyday trust me.
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#29

Postby soulvice » Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:31 am

Hey everybody, this next chapter of this story takes quite a turn and I feel I owe it to this community and mostly myself to be completely honest. I also couldn't really care if no one reads this cause at the end of the day it's for myself and writing things down is always good therapy.

over the past 6 months I had been starting to smoke again, and it got to the point where it was a couple of weeks of doing it every night again, and the absolute shame and disappointment I feel about that is apparent. However I was only doing it mainly because my girlfriend smokes and also I felt in a very recovered state. Pretty much everything in my life was great again and all feelings of happiness had returned. And being completely honest, the weed was not even affecting me like it used to, certainly depersonalisation was very rarely an issue for me, as well as my memory being reasonably good (and still is along with cognotive function etc).

However, a couple of weeks ago I had decided that enough was enough and i would slowly phase it out of my life completely because I knew what could happen with it. Then something very strange happened.

A week or so after stopping, I got a call from the tax office regarding some years I hadn't filed tax returns which were actually because I hadn't started working then, as I was in school. So I cleared all that up however the lady on the phone mentioned i had an ABN (australian business number) which i had for my studio business. I hadn't been making much money from the business until the last 2 years. I was mostly taking cash here and there and I actually thought you had to be over the tax threshold ($18k here in aus) to start paying tax. However with research discovered this isn't true as it is all lumped in with your regular income.

So I did start freaking out a fair bit, and to cut it short I have spoken with an accountant and are going to be declaring all my earnings this year and I believe all will be well and good (apart from obviously losing 30+% to tax and having to put that away myself which is scary) but I had sorted it out.

But then this feeling dawned over me and all sorts of negative thoughts that I had felt back in that first week of DP crept back in. I started thinking about my life and whether it is worth following my studio business dreams etc and then I just started feeling very dark about life in general and the concept of repeating day in day out and also I had made plans to move out with my girlfriend which will now be on hold due to the money issue. It feels like i've pretty much completely lost that motivation and will to live that I had only just a week ago, and had it for about a year, and when everything felt on track again, so it is honestly heartbreaking to know I have these thoughts again.

I wouldn't at all call this a relapse of DP or anything like that, because physically I don't feel fully depersonalised like I used to but these thoughts and fears of life and existential thoughts I suppose have completely taken over my mind once again. Now the hardest part for me is knowing if this would've happened had i not smoked. I don't want to just attribute it to smoking again although I feel if that were true then maybe I could use that as a way to get better knowing I have stopped smoking again.


The positive here is that I got better. So that is basically the hope in the back of my mind is I was able to beat a condition that was physically debilitating so surely I can make some dark thoughts go away right? It's only been 5 days since this happened so I think I need to remind myself that the thoughts are going to be at their most brutal/exaggerated right now. I have to think back to that first week 2 years ago when it first hit me, and how bad I was then and that it is just part of the process to getting better.

I'd like to think that having experience in recovering, that this shouldn't take as long as it did the first time to overcome, but obviously being in the thick of it right now it's going to feel like I'm back where I started but I can't let myself think that way because I'm not. I find myself having moments of saying why the hell do you think this way? You have a great life, a girlfriend who you see every day, a comfortable casual job, a band, a second job doing what you love (recording) what could you possibly have to hate about your life? and this has helped me have an hour or two of comfort which is great but I do feel once again I have a long road ahead of me, although maybe I don't. One thing with the healing of DP is that you don't really pinpoint any date or even time frame that you got better you just know you are. No one ever says that recovery is linear because it is not, and just as i had bad days every now and then during recovery, it seems that with an event that gives you life questioning thoughts you can slip back into this dark stat, which I guess you could call a bad couple of months.

I guess I wanted to post here to try and declare my want for overcoming this and I am really hoping that I come back here in a few months and wonder what I was so worried about. However if it takes me another 2 years to come back here and right a "I'm over the hill" post then so f***ing be it. The best thing you can do for your recovery is NOT put a date on it. You have to really train your mind to say 'I don't care if I have to deal with these thoughts for the rest of my life, I am not going to let them dictate anything I do' and over time you honestly just feel these thoughts go away. These next couple of weeks/months will probably be hard but I know I can overcome this if I overcame DP.

Thanks for reading if you did, and thank you to this forum for allowing me to document my healing process here.
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