cannabis, 8 weeks clean today. my journal

Postby tommysingh » Mon Feb 15, 2016 4:05 pm

i'm 43 and i gave up smoking weed on the 20th of dec 2015, but only today i've decided to journal my recovery

my 20 year weed addiction
since age of 23 on occasion i've smoked ordinary weed for 10 years and never had a problem with it
from early 30's started smoking skunk, just as an enhancer for sex. loved my sex and weed
by mid 30s my one and only passion in life was weed and sex. had many girls and by the age of 35 one by one they slowly disappeared as i wasn't committing to a serious relationship
from 35 onward my weed addiction spiraled out of control as i no longer could be bothered to go out and socialize and preferred to get super high by myself on my sofa
from 37 my appearance started to change and i'm looking like a junky. face tired, sunken eyes with bags, no colour in my skin, skin texture is rough and damaged probably from the constant hot boxing in my living room, face swollen and droopy, plus i'm putting on weight. always looked 10 years younger but now i'm looking 10 years older, feeling sluggish and not a part of this world

people phone me but i never answer the phone because i'm too high to speak. talking to people is too much effort and kills the high
no motivation or desire to pursue goals, nothing to live for but get high
life to me is just a constant pursuit of selfish satisfaction. quick reward and quick release

my behaviour, how i felt and my appearance before going clean 8 weeks ago
smoking weed like a full-time addict on crack. smoke all day everyday when not at work
weekends are always one whirlwind of getting high. on a fri i'd chain smoke from 6.30 pm after getting home from work until 8am in the morning. wake up around 12 on sat and repeat til sunday evening
always locked in my own world and would hardly step outside.
both summers of 2014/15 i never went outside once
my social skill are zero

increasingly i'd notice people giving me looks of disgust. if i caught eyes with a random stranger they'd quickly look away with aghast and disgust

what made me change
having a child and a new family. now i've regained a purpose in life.
always the womanizer i managed to maintain at least one relationship
always had a knack of meeting decent loyal women
outlook on life now is to dedicate myself to one woman that is my partner and our baby
i've had the fortune of having my kicks and getting all my sordid sexual conquests out of my system
no need to live like a kid or a bachelor in my 40s. completely bored with that unfulfilled life now

start of going clean, from what i remember
first week: sweating like buckets at night and insomnia
first month: brain fog like a dark cloud always above me
no energy and sleeping during the day
i have no clue what to do with my sober self but i go out every morning for an hour long run
exercise is the only thing i have as an interest or passion. It fixes my head each day

the most profound feelings are of emptiness coupled with bouts of depression, both which still persist
these feelings are a result of sobering up to the realization that i wasn't living in the current moment. prior to getting clean i'd kept myself in constant sedation. now i'm awakening to realize i'd blocked any development of my mind and emotions to the present world that includes development of personal relationships with loved ones or (real) friends

2 weeks ago
went back to work for a day (last time i was at work was the 18th dec. i'm a contractor)
could see everyone looking at me surprised in a much more positive way. people in the lunch break out area wanted to talk to me, which they didn't want to before
one person told me i look refreshed

how i feel today (start of my 9th week)
i still see a tired bag of sh** looking back at me in the mirror, but i also see an improvement. i'm now starting to see my cheekbones again
although i get no smiles, people no longer give me that look of disgust

this morning:
overall my heart is beating heavy and hard, not in sync with my breathing
face feels dry, heavy, stings
tension in my forehead. slight feeling of my heart pounding in my head
mind feels heavy and foggy (still feeling like this but not as bad after 8 weeks)
my lung capacity feels like a third of what it should be. short, shallow and heavy breathing
nostrils are partially blocked, been like this for a good few years
feelings of un-easyness, heart pounding and slight butterflies
still feelings of emptiness and not knowing what to do with my sober self, but absolutely no desire to smoke whatsoever
weekend just gone i texted my dealers to stop sending me text messages (you know the usual... i've got banging cheese or haze. 2 bags for 35 quid)

this afternoon:
i feel much more alive. feel very alert like i'm on amphetamines. very clear, extremely clean and focused. today is the first day i'm feeling like this since giving up. i think it's because it's also the first day without junk food (snacks). i've been drinking green tea one after the other all day

feel like i wanna run and exercise for miles. last week when running i could feel my lungs opening up and my body responding to the workout like it wants more

i didn't go for a run this morning as i'm saving it for this evening when it gets dark. i feel more focused when running in the dark. my mind stops thinking about things and i concentrate on my breathing and the run. not being able to see whats in front of me gives better focus and the ability to run longer with more endurance

eating habits
since going clean i've been eating fresh fruit, veg and fish... but moving forward from today i'm cutting out snacking on junk
i've had severe a sweet tooth for chocolates, cakes and biscuits, pizza, love my cheese... pretty much food for the weed munchies. will try my best not to eat any of that sh**. going cold turkey all the way. but i know i might relapse on the odd pack of maltezers or revels, which isn't that bad as life is all about keeping a balance

so really, even though it's been 8 weeks since going clean, today feels like the real start of my journey

if tried to quit before so what's different about this time?
in 2014 i gave up for a max of 3 months, my longest ever since becoming a chronic smoker. throughout this period i felt strong cravings that i constantly had to fight. the worst would be on weekends. during this time i told myself i've quit for good and i'd never touch the stuff. i feel that type of forbidden psychology is what made me relapse back to becoming a daily smoker

i feel that i have a connection to weed like it's a life long relationship. since i'm not into alcohol or other drugs it's the only vice that i have. the only thing that deviates from normality. this is how i document my feelings toward weed right now, but these feelings might change as i go through my journey

i've come to the realization that it's not the weed that's the problem, it's me and my inability to self control. this time round at the start of giving up, my goal wasn't to quit, i simply wanted a break. but just taking it one step and one day at a time knowing that i'll enjoy weed again when i'm ready, has made me so much stronger to not think about or want it. this time round i have no cravings and surprisingly getting through weekends are as easy as pie

i've been high for so long that feeling sober now feels like i'm high. who knows what the future will bring. but one day i hope to enjoy and respect weed like the first time i'd smoked it

i think i now see in others what people saw in me
when i see an addict or depressed looking person walking down the street i wonder if that's what i looked like
i see their body language, demeanor, how they look un-kept. even if a person's appearance looks clean i see the lost and vacant expression in their face
i look at these people and think ...i know what you're going through
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Postby kashsan69 » Fri Feb 19, 2016 1:59 am

I appreciate your decision and we have much in common with the kiddos being a huge motivator; hang in there, as it will get harder before it gets better but unless you want to do this vicious cycle all over again, don't smoke again. You are like me and millions of others who can't smoke now and then, so just hang in there and enjoy your new ride to a life of purpose!
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Postby SexistPig » Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:32 am

howdy...I'm with kashsan69 on this. I'm one of those who can't do it once in a while either.

What usually happens, at least in my experience, and from what I've read on this forum concerning the addicts like myself; using 1 time opens up this portal where you try to moderate your use. You'll say, I'll do it this one time. Then you'll say, hey, I'll reserve one time a month for me to do this. It's my 'sacred journey' day.

You'll do it that one time in a month, then the weekend rolls around and you say to yourself, hey it's the weekend. One smoke won't hurt Friday night or Saturday night. Besides, I proved that I can quit. Then it's all weekend. Then it bleeds into the week and then it's everyday. And then you're into this vicious cycle again.

With the progress you've made I wouldn't do it, if I were you.

I know this is a fact for me because I'll buy a big bag and reserve it to last for a while. Then you start obsessing over it, and start smoking it like crazy. When half the bag is done, you'll start to think, damn I should really quit this, it's ruining my life. The bag gets low and you're happy but you're anxious and saying is this really it? Then the bags is done and now you want another one, and now you're back in the woods. Perhaps for months on end again, or perhaps years until you get to the point that got you here.

Next thing you know, you're withered again, sunken eyes, and 55 wondering where you're life went. My ABSOLUTE WORST nightmare is waking up in my 50s and realizing I've smoked all the good years away and i'm now over the hill. I think I'd JUMP off the damn roof. It really sucks to not to be able to feel anything for most of your life and realizing you have ruined your true potential for a plant. For me it has to be a DEFINITE NO ALL THE TIME! NO matter WHAT!
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Postby kashsan69 » Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:03 am

I appreciate your post and whatever works but if you are thinking this is just a break, then it will be just that; a temporary break. You are in touch with so many great emotions of why you know you can't smoke, so unless you want to go back to that shell of your true self, why not just quit for good? It's okay to be an ex-smoker; in fact, it's totally great. Just read some of the posts from those on this site who are an inspiration to all of us with huge amounts of clean time who love their lives and feel great. Thank you to all of you who share your struggles and success stories for us who are struggling to find that same success; we need the support.
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Postby tommysingh » Mon Feb 29, 2016 11:27 am

i'm totally with you on the cause of relapse. i've been down this road before where i'd cleaned up my act for the longest period of 3 months, thought i was good to smoke occasionally then quickly went back to hardcore smoking everyday, just after 2 weeks of starting

so, what have i learnt from my experience that would make it different this time? i don't blame weed but i blame myself. the plant was never the problem, it was my self control and gradual reliance on cannabis as a means of continuous pleasure and escape.

i have no regrets with smoking, as i've learnt a great deal about myself. weed made me face myself. with all my ego, selfishness and self-indulgence it threw me to my donkey and now i'm climbing back up to regain my self respect and purpose. weed amplified the worst traits of my personality to the point where i could see the horrible person that i didn't want to be. the many moons of smoking weed by myself turned me into a person that became reclusive and self absorbed, an affect that would naturally rid me of 'so called' friends that were just negative people in my circle (or i was in their negative circle). lucky for me i've always been a functioning addict so i feel that i've managed to stop at the right time before i went too far down the rabbit hole. but on reflection, being a weed addict has cleansed me and made me realize what is important in life

i would like to smoke weed again, but not everyday and neither reserved for weekends. i'd like to smoke it as often as i'd done mdma, which was very rarely, only saved for those special moments reserved for the right situation, around the right people. i'd like to smoke it as a spiritual experience. for me this means chanting around rastafarians (never done this but i'd like to try it). or in a dub sound system night. I've done this a few times and i've reached spiritual heights from being in sync and harmony with the music and the crowd, and the thc inside me. this is how i'd like to respect the plant. i want to hold it sacred like doing ayahuasca. only doing it if my body and mind are strong and cleansed. no more doing it recreationally

here's my update on being just over 2 months clean...

how i currently feel
- the fog has almost subsided
- i might get occasional bouts of depression, but i recognize it and fight it off. i've always been a strong minded person and i feel that strength returning
- i wake up feeling energized and positive to start my day
- the anxiety and self doubt is subsiding and i'm feeling confident with my self endeavors

healthy living
- this has the been the cataylst and backbone to my recovery
- i run everyday and eat well everyday. i've almost cut out junk food completely to just one bag of chocolate maltezers and a cadbury's cream egg on the weekend

friends and friendship
ok this is an important one. in the past i'd been very selfish and i didn't make time for people. i now recognize real friends and make all the time for them. these are people who also have their own problems who just want to conversate and have friendship. when they call i always pick up the phone and just listen to what they have to say. if they want to meet up i make the time to do that too, and i enjoy it by just being in the moment of sitting in a coffee shop with that person.

when i'm with friends (i only have two friends right now), my personality is relaxed and calm. i'm no longer agitated to leave early because i want to go home, be on my own and smoke. that's one of the biggest improvements that i've noticed. my real personality is returning to me

weed culture
right now, every desire in me to smoke weed is at zero, but i still love weed culture. i retain my connection to it by watching sh** loads of stoner and cannabis blogs via youtube. this is something i hadn't done before. i'm learning about cleaner smoking like vaping or smoking hash that just contains the active thc. no cigarette or papers.

i'm also watching the stoner blogs where i can see how burnt out people look, the stupid sh** they philosophize and talk about when high. how they're living in a void of nothingness

i'm watching cannabis events or meets ups where people are sitting around in groups, smoking dabs or normal weed and can't even have a proper conversation, they look like they're struggling. on the other hand i can see that some people function and speak fluently on weed... i guess it affects everyone differently.

one day i'd like to go to a weed event, walk around and socialize, but not smoke. i want to conversate with these like minded people as my true self

final observation... that dab sh** tho! these people are insane to higher their weed tolerance by dabbing

...btw, i just spent ages typing this post and when clicking submit i lost everything having to login again. but i was smart enough to copy my post before clicking! couldn't catch me out!
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Postby tommysingh » Wed Mar 09, 2016 9:06 pm

here's a share of my current thoughts with you good people...

as my real self returns to me, as well as my thoughts and feelings becoming increasingly clear, i realize that weed is a medicine and divine plant after all. i don't curse it or plan to avoid it like most in this forum. i believe some if not most things happen for a reason, and in my case my weed addiction has helped me see the light.

at this point in time as a result of post addiction, i'm doing everything i can to become a better person, that is mentally, physically and spiritually. i've had an epiphany that these three attributes must be fulfilled and work in harmony to make me a complete and balanced person. had i not become the disheveled person that i'd become would i not have had this realization? i doubt it. my 6 years of chronic weed addiction has repelled all the bad people from my life, and now i'm starting new with a clean slate. i just feel wiser, awakened and cleansed as a result of my addiction

within the last week i've learnt that weed should never be used as a crutch for when we're bored, tired, stressed or want to escape. like Jung said, when depression comes knocking we must face her, sit her down and listen to what she has to say. there's times when i sit there and i'm feeling all these negative feelings but i find strength within myself by facing these emotions sober. reality is a bit*h but i'm learning to live in reality, and similar to how i psychically train my body my biggest challenge is to train my mind. the more i face the challenge the more i occupy, stimulate and train my mind as a muscle

anyway, that's it for tonight. also wanna say the OP in this thread also made some very valid points, viewtopic.php?t=94746
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Postby tommysingh » Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:18 am

the beauty about being clean is that i can now do anything at a moments notice. if someone asks me to meet them, i can do it without having to think if my appearance is up to scratch or whether i feel up for leaving the house. i can brave the outdoors regardless of the weather, and on a sunny day the sun feels gorgeous on my clean and rested face.

yesterday i spoke to a friend on the phone who managed to give up for a week before last night relapsing. it was fascinating to hear his mind work the excuses for reasons why he should smoke this weekend. in an instant he was right back into the zone with the idea of smoking unable to leave his mind. had me thinking of the geto boys song, mind playing tricks on me

after the conversation, i laid back and watched a movie "jane got a gun", with natalie portman. a movie with a very satisfying ending. there's no significance with between my post and the mention of the movie. just want to share a good movie with you people
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Postby tommysingh » Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:33 pm

just a quick update to record my thoughts and well being

it's now 4 months since not smoking. throughout last week i had severe cravings, and i almost relapsed by asking my mate who lives close by to get me some weed. i know he couldn't be bothered (lazy stoner) to get me anything. so, i phoned another mate who lives a bit further away and he managed to get some. i sat there for a about 5 mins after he'd told me he'd got it and i thought nope, i really don't wanna be getting back on it just yet. the next morning i woke up and was relieved that i didn't relapse. i woke up thinking how awful it would have felt to have THC inside me, with that nasty hangover feeling and the guilt. the dirtiness, the feeling of being unclean like i've violated myself!

so, i continue to eat well and strive with my psychical fitness. i don't want to mislead and make my posts to sound all upbeat and successful. this quitting thing is hard work. today i can be all gung ho about not smoking then tomorrow for whatever reason i could relapse. i could succumb to that cosy weed feeling that wraps itself around me, tickles my genital region and offers a reassuring comfort in the moment of being stoned. you know that feeling when your sobriety makes you feel disgusted about smoking then you're eventually onto your 3rd spliff and that familiar cosy feeling returns, like hey lets get re-acquainted, we were both destined for each other. think of the movie, "it's all gone pete tong". it's the overwhelming feeling of consequence that prevents me from giving in, as well as the 4 months of hard work that i don't want to throw away

anyway, quick rant, quick update. not sure if you folks are reading this but maybe an alien has logged into the internet for the first time, who reads my post and thinks WTF!
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Postby Gitana » Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:45 am

Hey TommySingh - just wanted to thank you for sharing your posts - really enjoyed reading them, lots of similarities with my own story, and a bunch of funny stuff too, doesnt hurt! I hear you on the sacred weed and the special occasion thing - i too would like to become a weekender someday - and only on cheap weed, no more high grade stuff, that s the addictive stuff right there!
Was wondering where you were at today? it must be like a year and 3 months off - how s the brain fog? life? Looking forward to hearing from you.
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