Am I really the pure evil?

Postby Afara Guotiska » Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:28 am


Sorry if this is the wrong place, and please excuse the dramatic title, but I'm in need of the opinion of other people on my case, other than my therapist.

Let's get straight to the point. I do not need help per se, but I am in need of "guidance", so to speak. A few weeks ago, I've been diagnosed with a severe case of psychopathy paired with "depressive episodes".

Ever since I've told the people who are closest to me, about what I've been diagnosed with, they've been avoiding me and have been keeping their distance from me in general. They all act like I have some kind of a contagious, slimy-sticky disease sort-of-thing.

Before that diagnose, everything was fine. Nobody even mentioned something could be "wrong with me".

Now, like most people in the digital age do it, I've been "googling" my "symptoms", and in fact, most things do apply to me. I'm not really shocked or anything, because honestly I don't care about the diagnoses at all, but the other things I had to read about "people like me", made me think about whether I'm actually still considered a human being or not.

It is said "people like me" are deceptive, constantly lying, always plotting something, always selfish, out to hurt someone if there are no consequences, willing to physically hurt someone to reach their goals and so on and so forth. I'm basically considered the personified evil, with a cherry on top.

So, what am I supposed to think now? Should I just go ahead and blow my brains out, so the world would finally be rid of me? I seem to be considered an utter burden, with no chance of "getting normal" again, so I might as well go out of the world's way and do everyone a favour. The reactions of my surroundings once they all "find out" about me, is basically also telling me just that.

So what's exactly making me such a bad, despicable being that belongs 6 feet under?

Heck, I helped the homeless, I donated monthly to an animal shelter and gave 2 cats a shelter as well. I would've never turned a hungry soul away, and the occasional homeless guy was more often than not receiving my last few cents to live another day. I have a well-paid job, people who do not know me get along nicely with me, without the slightest complaints. People consult *me* when they're feeling down, saying they immediately feel better after an intense talk with me.

That diagnose nullified my life in a matter of days. So what's the best course of action? Go and find out how carbon monoxide tastes like, or show the middle finger to the world and just carry on? (even though I might risk deceiving, lying to and physically hurting people)

That's my soul-trash. Handle it, delete it, answer or do whatever you see fit. I don't care anymore.
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Postby WonderGurl » Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:33 am

Yes, the title is quite a dramatic one and there is a poor me theme going on throughout your post, but that's understandable bearing in your mind it's all so fresh in mind.

So you've been diagnosed with psychopathy. Generally, my impression is that it's viewed negatively, so you might want to consider carefully who you tell. Now I've heard of some anecdotal evidence that psychopathy can be a great trait to have in certain fields, as for instance, the profession of surgeons has a high number of psychopaths, which makes sense as I personally wouldn't want an empathic person cutting me up to fix me up.

If you do not agree with the diagnosis in the first place, you should seek a second opinion. But if you are prepared to accept it, you should look at how you can flip it on its head and take advantage of it to enhance your life instead of succumbing to the pressures of cultural stereotypes.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:47 pm

Afara Guotiska wrote:
Now, like most people in the digital age do it, I've been "googling" my "symptoms"...

It is said "people like me" are deceptive, constantly lying, always plotting something, always selfish, out to hurt someone if there are no consequences, willing to physically hurt someone to reach their goals and so on and so forth. I'm basically considered the personified evil, with a cherry on top.

So, what am I supposed to think now?

You are suppose to not just believe everything "it" tells you.

You say everyone you tell is treating you like some outcast. Well, you are no better than them. You are doing the exact same thing. You are treating yourself as some outcast.

Maybe instead of wasting your time letting "it" or others tell you about you, why not just go volunteer, enjoy a nice meal, open the door for someone, watch a sunset and just do what is right in life.
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Postby no1specl » Sat Mar 26, 2016 1:49 am

"You" are not evil!! There is both good (positive) energy and bad (evil, negative) energy all around us. It is up to each of us which energy we allow to envelope us. However, it's not enough to just keep inside of good surroundings - You have to soak in the good energy and then release that energy back into the world around you. If there is not a balance of those two things, then I would suggest making a change that makes such a balance more likely.

As for people around you shunning you, well, people historically tend to fear what they do not understand. And when someone is in fear, there is usually one of two reactions: to run and hide, or to attack with intent to remove from their existence. Remember the Salem witch trials? It got so bad that eventually anyone who had a nightmare (or even a bad dream....even some "good" dreams) would be burned at the stake, killed, hung or run out of town out of fear.

It sounds like you are creating some of the fear within yourself as well. Just keep this a personal thing. For the people who you have told, try to avoid the topic and return to life as usual - but DON'T avoid them. Also do not act as nothing ever happened. If they ask you about something, be honest. Honesty is of utmost importance....ALWAYS!! As for other people, some things are just best left unsaid.

As for the thought of suicide, that's a subject that....well.... if you are concerned about that, then you need to seek help. What help? Well, I guess this place is a decent start, especially if you have trouble trusting others. (<-- I do too) However, if you somehow think that the world might be a better place without you in it, don't flatter yourself. I felt that way many years ago, after being raped by someone who should not have done anything like that!! I kept trying to figure things out. Yet the sun still rose. The birds still sang. Traffic still flowed heavily on the freeway. And people still shopped. Life went on as usual. There is no single person that can have any real effect on "the world" whether that person is alive or dead; rich or poor; famous or unknown.

That said, also know that to take your own life is to give up; to stop trying; to be a self-made loser. Not to mention the very negative and detrimental effect that would have on those who love you. What about the people you haven't yet met? What about the people you have not yet had the opportunity to help? Taking your own life is simply selfish.
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Postby hubertkoh » Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:19 am

Based on the below paragraphs, you sound very normal!

Why did you get the diagnosis in the first place?
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Postby Afara Guotiska » Sat Mar 26, 2016 6:27 am


I thank all of you for the words of encouragement. To be honest, the actual idea of suicide is nothing I actually thought about doing to myself. I rather think about such things in a practical manner. I try to use logic to understand what happens around me and why it does, which is why I asked about what would be the best course of action, rather than just attempting suicide to "find it out".

And well... from what I've been told by 2 doctors so far is, that it is one of my abilities to seem normal. Let me tell you about what lead to the appointment with a psychologist in the first place.

I don't want to go into detail, because I don't think I could even recall most of it, but in the past, I've never really cared for emotions, whenever they stood in my way, or in the way of progress. I'm cynical, and I'm a realist. When someone makes a mistake, I tell that someone, that a mistake was made, regardless of their feelings about it.

I don't care about someone's feelings, as long as mistakes can be corrected, and progress can be made. In the past, this has proven to be successful, and not only for me. Other people, whose emotions have blinded them, were unable to solve problems on their own. These people were unable to see solutions, because more often than not, their emotions would not allow them to at all identify the problems they had. My ability to be completely detached from every person or thing, when needed, helped me to overcome big trials, and problems of magnitudes, most people can't even fathom. I've helped people through poverty, death of loved ones, homelessness and several other things that would propably have ruined other people's minds and souls.

People "hate" (not really hate, but a bit more than disliking) me for what I do. But after I've solved their problems for them, they realize how important my intervention actually was. Almost all of them are too stubborn to admit it. Only a handful of people tell me, that my rational and "cold" way of thinking has saved them from bigger problems.

At some point, a "big wave" of bad things have happened. People have died, who were both close to the entire family and close to me. While attending the funeral, over 20 people have come together and were crying their eyes out, as if the world was going to end and that they'll be next to die.

I did not cry. I saw no point in crying, or being sad. The people that have died were close to me. I loved them and wouldn't want to do without the memories I have from the times we've spend together, but I felt nothing when they died. I don't even miss them. I visit their graves and think about the good time we've had, but that's it.

After this, and many more smaller incidents with a similiar chain of events (Bad stuff happened ---> I don't care about the emotions I'm supposed to have ---> I solve the inevitable problems ---> I move on with my life), I was having a very... deep conversation with my parents. They've directly asked me why I never cry or why I never feel anger or joy, yet still am able to seem like I do. To be fair, I do feel joy. I enjoy music, I enjoy nature and its beauty, but I really never have any sort of outburst of emotions. No sadness, no anger and no overly exaggerated happiness.

At this point I realized, that something had to be "off the scale" with me. I obviously wasn't normal, because if I would be, people wouldn't see how much I'm different. This was when I decided myself, that it is time to ask a professional about whether I was normal, or dead inside. Apparently, the latter is the case.

Like I said, this diagnosis has changed my life far too much. I'm working hard to try and revert the effect it had on the people around me, because people accepted me before it. They liked me and valued my guidance whenever sh*t hit the fan. But now... I guess it'll take some time, because most people associate characters like "Hannibal" with the term Psychopathy, which is not really in my favour.

I thank you guys for reading my story. Not many people would, except for my therapist. And she is... a tad bit too professional. I start to think she's no different compared to me.

Anyway... again, thank you for your time.
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Postby WonderGurl » Sat Mar 26, 2016 12:32 pm

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and why you are attending therapy, but judging by what you wrote, I'm sure you will be just fine. I personally don't see anything wrong someone having psychopathic tendencies. Looking at it from purely evolutionary point of view it would make sense that some people would have shallower emotions and use it to an advantage, same as those who, for instance, have heightened nervous system sensitivity. You've been diagnosed as a psychopath, so what?
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Postby Robert Plamondon » Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:01 pm

Some quick thoughts:

* You're the same person as before. All that's happened is that a (possibly inaccurate) label has been applied to you.

* If you reveal this label to people, they stop reacting to you and start reacting to the label.

* So the first thing to do is to stop telling people your diagnosis!

* You might want to read Jon Ronson's "The Psychopath Test," which shows more nuance than a lot of sources. Also his profile of Richard Bandler in "Lost at Sea."

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Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:02 pm

There are healthy and unhealthy thought patterns.

Focus on choosing healthy thought patterns and your life will improve.
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Postby Waterski » Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:08 am

Hi Afara. First of all you are not evil and yes we are all evil and capable of doing evil at any given moment. I have yet to meet a perfect person. Some seem so on the outside. I have learned that to share a diagnosis is not a good thing to do. So I keep my private stuff to my self and God. Gossip starts with self leakage. This is my opinion....I prefer people like you because you are honest with your whole self here. Its the one that never ever gets help or confides in a confideable person that scares me. Because they snap! And when they do is it pure evil.
Keep up the good work. I believe you shall recover. Life is full of dips....some are really rough for a while. You will help others some day. Waterski
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Postby PhillipLoco » Sun Sep 11, 2016 7:01 pm

You do not sound like a psychopath helping animals & the homeless .
You seem to care about public opinion.
I think someone gave you the wrong diagnosis.
Get a second opinion. :D

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