Understanding a depressed person who moved on

Postby Eddy1979 » Thu Apr 14, 2016 3:07 pm

Hello, I think I finally found the right place... I have always seached for answers and never really found anyone who understood. If anyone does it is the commity.. bless u all.

My first love was depressed. i was her first as well. she never wanted to talk about her depression.

It would be great 1 day, we would talk aboit marriage, children... then she would dump me over the phone the next. Faulting me for everything. Within a cpl days she would be dating new guys and whenever I would try go get closure she would be cold. eventually coming back apologizing weeks/months later and id forgive her.

This happened a few times. Anytime where was any conflict she would run. The last time I gave her space for 7 months. She contacted me and we tried to work inout. 3 weeks later she was dumping me over the phone again, saying she feels I dont love her. I cried and begged... which her response was "if you loved me u wouldnt act this way". Then said she may be back, maybe not. if i need closurr I can contact her anytime. Surely I had no closure and contacted her a cpl times later... she never responded.

A few months later I had a teadgedy in my family. I felt I could only confide in her, subconsciously I still loved her. Over a few emails she would be talking about her life... and everytime brought uo her new bf that she has been dating for a col months, as well as how great they are doing. she would then say "is everything ok? Do u want to talk about something? U seem uneasy". through the mixed signals I asked to meet her to talk. Her reaction was her and her bf are busy. I just wrote her a letter telling her I still love her but respects that she has a bf. I want to be in her life as friends (to any extent) because I hate not having her around at all. Her response was she felt strange listening to my feelings, but doesn't mind being friends as long as it isnt close and personal. I got my cue and told her i should go... thanked her for her time snd politeness. she ignored me completely.

I moved on and never looked back.. found someone else and got married. i the back of my mind I wondered how she was doing. Looked her up and realized she had married that same bf and had a 1 yr old child together.. 5 yrs later.

My question is for someone who understands depression, who can look at this other than at face value. how did she go from having such an unstable relationship with me where the slightest conflict caused her to flee as she couldnt deal with it... to a cpl months later dating someone and having a stable relationship with someone else. Also, why couldn't she just say bye to me at the end, instead of ignoring my email?

Thanks for your time.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:14 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Eddy1979 wrote:My question is for someone who understands depression, how did she go from having such an unstable relationship with me where the slightest conflict caused her to flee as she couldnt deal with it... to a cpl months later dating someone and having a stable relationship with someone else. Also, why couldn't she just say bye to me at the end, instead of ignoring my email?


Simple. The new boyfriend gave her what you did not.

The fact she met a new man and stayed with him is clear evidence she was ready for a serious relationship. She struggled, because while you were willing to be that man, she was not happy with you. She feared making the wrong choice. It is a state of fearing being alone (saying she loves you) but at the same not being happy with you.

She is now ignoring you, because your pursuit of a friendship is reminding her of all the reasons she did not want to be with you in the first place. She is trying to be polite. Her ignoring your email is a clear indicator to leave her alone.


Posting the exact same thread won't change reality.

viewtopic.php?t=95315

For anyone that wants to see the original thread (cut/paste) started yesterday.
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#2

Postby Eddy1979 » Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:36 pm

Hey, actually i am brand new to this site and not familiar with how often questions stay visible. I was only getting input from 1 source (you) and wanted to hear other ideas. I understand by your demeanor now why u are investing your time here. I guess that i'm not taking your advice as direct gospil and one sided, be all and end all, is a problem.

Hmm didn't realize there i someone out there who knows better than everyone else.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:49 pm

How you take my advice isn't about you. This is a public forum, not a private 1 on 1 conversation where responses are intended only for your personal consumption. There are other people out there that don't understand how common it is for a boyfriend or girlfriend to use depression as a tool to avoid conflict and manage their relationships.
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#4

Postby glbtrotter22 » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:12 pm

hello richard,

could you please tell me how to find out, whether a partner is using their existing depression to get out of the relationship because they can't address certain issues or maybe are not sure anymore whether they want the relationship at all.

my partner has left me saying if he ever wants to get healthy again he needs to be by himself and maybe needs to be single for 5 years. he was really angry at me and agitated many times, some other times we talked he was warm again and more accessible. we are now in a break but anytime i ask him questions like whether this is his depression or if he just doesn't want me anymore he gets angry and overwhelmed saying i keep asking him questions to which he doesnt have the answers himself. he said he wants us to have all the good things from the relationship without any problems because he has too many construction sites on his own and demons inside to handle issues from the relationship. he said that he doesn't want the relationship the way it was, he wants things to change because he felt i suffocated him sometimes and doesn't want to owe me anything. i am aware that he behaved very poorly towards me because he only put blame on me and can't see how difficult this uncertainty for me is considering i don't know how long it will take for him to get better and really i would lie if i said there was any guaranty we will get back together. i do know i should not blame myself for the way things went. however i know that i stopped taking care of my own person in the relationship and i always expected him to make me whole. almost everyone has told me i should accept it's over and that he will probably take a long time until he heals and that i can't waste my life like this because he doesnt seem to appreciate me at all right now. he wants to have space for us to each work on ourselves and build a healthy relationship construct again. i was already at the point that i told him i can't hang on that long and i was so miserable missing him that i told him and then he said apparently the break isn't working so he doesn't want this anymore because I'm having a too hard time with this.
i was really low after this. after some time I now told him I'm in a better state and would like for us to stay in each others lives but giving each other the space for some time to see where we can go when we are both better. he said he thinks this is a good idea and that this is what we had already decided a few weeks ago. i did this again because i have become more critical but being in control myself helped me get out of this hole. though i still have all these questions, if he just makes it easy for himself or if he's being selfish by just not letting me go or if he is truly struggling and really hoping this break will help. he said the last but how can i be sure? I'm going to therapy myself and what im hoping is to get to this point where i myself can decide whether i still want this and really using this time to build up myself again and becoming whole by myself because it's true i was not doing this at all in the relationship so basically his depression and my insecurities made it harder for each other. I'm thinking that instead of being miserable, if i focus on myself now i will be better in some time and then no matter how this goes, i can only win from this progress. could you please tell me what you think and however, how would things have to go for us to find our way back to each other after months of being separated? when is the time i can expect things from him again? we are in a long distance relationship. does this sound like something that can be fixed or do you think its a hopeless case and that I'm wasting my time?

i would be very grateful for a feedback.
thanks in advance
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:27 pm

glbtrotter22 wrote:hello richard,

could you please tell me how to find out, whether a partner is using their existing depression to get out of the relationship because they can't address certain issues or maybe are not sure anymore whether they want the relationship at all.


Hi glbtrotter22. You travel a lot? I'm a digital nomad, been on the road going on 5 years now.

The main question I have is what difference does it make if he wants a break for 5 years because of depression or because he doesn't want to be with you anymore? Either way the outcome is the same.

Do you think if it is depression you can change his mind? Or, do you think if he just doesn't want to be with you that you can change his mind?

My last question, why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want you?
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#6

Postby glbtrotter22 » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:35 pm

i understand what you're saying. it's just that the other stuff he has said seem to me that he does want this and I'm wondering he just feels like he needs a lot of time to get better. i do want allow him to get better. it's difficult when someone is not giving you direct answers. i feel like searching for all the answers myself and its so painful letting go and thinking well was that the right thing to do, its a fact I'm dealing with a depressed person here and that is really difficult to understand.
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#7

Postby glbtrotter22 » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:38 pm

i do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. i wish he had said: i don't want to be with you any more because i don't love you or something like this. it would be the answer im looking for but if i ask him anything like this he just says that he doesnt know himself.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Aug 17, 2016 12:55 am

glbtrotter22 wrote: i wish he had said: i don't want to be with you any more because i don't love you or something like this. it would be the answer im looking for


This is a common request. It goes something like this, "If you really want to break up, look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

The person has said in every other way they don't want the relationship, they have tried to do so by placing responsibility on themselves, but the person that wants to stay together tries to force some condition. The condition is one that requires the person to hurt them or point out their flaws, etc.

There is no test kit to determine if it is depression or he just has decided the relationship is over. Whatever the case, it places him in the drivers seat. He can decide he wants you back and then he wants to break up again and again and again. The cycle can go on for 5, 10, 15 years or a lifetime. Do you really want to be in a relationship and 10 years from now they say for the 3rd time they want to break it off so they can go find themselves?

I understand it is difficult, but asking him to say X or Y or Z is not really about providing you surety. It is a common way people use to try and make it that much more difficult to leave the relationship. Instead of being able to just blame themselves, they are forced to say, "I don't love you." That is what causes him frustration and anger. He is saying to leave him alone, stop trying to force him to be the bad guy.
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#9

Postby glbtrotter22 » Thu Aug 18, 2016 8:34 am

it is very difficult. he is telling me that we can meet but as two friends and not as partners because that would be an additional problem in his life and he can't handle this since he is apparently taking a high dosis of medication and feels like having panick attacks each day. he says each of us needs to focus on themself right now and it's not the time to focus on getting back together and eventually we will see. so he asked me if I can keep it lightly. no word if he hopes for us to find our way back together eventually.
he says the way I talk to him it sounds like I'm hoping we are almost back together. can this person imagine how selfish this demand is at the same time and that I'm so torn inside because of course I want to be in his life but I notice how it's not good for me because it doesn't allow me to move on. he might not be aware of how selfish he is being but this is really hard for the person on the other end.
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#10

Postby glbtrotter22 » Thu Aug 18, 2016 9:29 am

or is it really me who is being selfish trying to hold on to someone who can't be that person for me anymore? I want to be there for him as a friend but I'm scared just being this will hurt too much and set me back in focusing on my life. maybe the best thing is to give myself some space for my feelings to go before I can be a friend to him.
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#11

Postby handheart » Wed Aug 31, 2016 10:31 am

The problem its in your girlfriend not in you ,if you want help her you must find a way to get her help like a counselor or a therapist etc
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#12

Postby bestcatcher » Wed Sep 14, 2016 2:35 am

hi
bestcatcher here

Your ex maybe can't find the same understanding that you gave her that the other guy had offered understanding depression is hard but not as hard understanding women.considering she is in a condition of depression.Good thing that you had moved on.Just don't let this curiosity ate your current relationship i know you now that.
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#13

Postby Suiky » Fri Sep 23, 2016 9:00 am

I had depression. I packed my things and moved to another city. I severed all ties with my family, friends and boyfriend. When I calmed down, I apologized to everyone. But I can not go back home. I seem to be much better in another city.
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#14

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sun Sep 25, 2016 7:31 am

We can't ever know how another person thinks, and we can learn how to accept the world as it is. How easily do you forgive?
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