Understanding a depressed person who moved on

#15

Postby Eddy1979 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:11 pm

glbtrotter22 wrote:hello richard,

could you please tell me how to find out, whether a partner is using their existing depression to get out of the relationship because they can't address certain issues or maybe are not sure anymore whether they want the relationship at all.

my partner has left me saying if he ever wants to get healthy again he needs to be by himself and maybe needs to be single for 5 years. he was really angry at me and agitated many times, some other times we talked he was warm again and more accessible. we are now in a break but anytime i ask him questions like whether this is his depression or if he just doesn't want me anymore he gets angry and overwhelmed saying i keep asking him questions to which he doesnt have the answers himself. he said he wants us to have all the good things from the relationship without any problems because he has too many construction sites on his own and demons inside to handle issues from the relationship. he said that he doesn't want the relationship the way it was, he wants things to change because he felt i suffocated him sometimes and doesn't want to owe me anything. i am aware that he behaved very poorly towards me because he only put blame on me and can't see how difficult this uncertainty for me is considering i don't know how long it will take for him to get better and really i would lie if i said there was any guaranty we will get back together. i do know i should not blame myself for the way things went. however i know that i stopped taking care of my own person in the relationship and i always expected him to make me whole. almost everyone has told me i should accept it's over and that he will probably take a long time until he heals and that i can't waste my life like this because he doesnt seem to appreciate me at all right now. he wants to have space for us to each work on ourselves and build a healthy relationship construct again. i was already at the point that i told him i can't hang on that long and i was so miserable missing him that i told him and then he said apparently the break isn't working so he doesn't want this anymore because I'm having a too hard time with this.
i was really low after this. after some time I now told him I'm in a better state and would like for us to stay in each others lives but giving each other the space for some time to see where we can go when we are both better. he said he thinks this is a good idea and that this is what we had already decided a few weeks ago. i did this again because i have become more critical but being in control myself helped me get out of this hole. though i still have all these questions, if he just makes it easy for himself or if he's being selfish by just not letting me go or if he is truly struggling and really hoping this break will help. he said the last but how can i be sure? I'm going to therapy myself and what im hoping is to get to this point where i myself can decide whether i still want this and really using this time to build up myself again and becoming whole by myself because it's true i was not doing this at all in the relationship so basically his depression and my insecurities made it harder for each other. I'm thinking that instead of being miserable, if i focus on myself now i will be better in some time and then no matter how this goes, i can only win from this progress. could you please tell me what you think and however, how would things have to go for us to find our way back to each other after months of being separated? when is the time i can expect things from him again? we are in a long distance relationship. does this sound like something that can be fixed or do you think its a hopeless case and that I'm wasting my time?

i would be very grateful for a feedback.
thanks in advance


Way to use someone else's thread to use your own questions...
Eddy1979
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#16

Postby Eddy1979 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:13 pm

Aside from what I said i would strongly look for help/support elsewhere. Richard clearly knows nothing about depression and his advice is no different than any average jo on th street. U are asking wether yoir ex i acting out of depression, or not. He just jumped to a generic, unrelated answer. Honestly u need to talk to someone who will give u professional advice, not someone who acts as a skill's expert on relationships, on a clinical illness site.

Honestly u need to tread ligthly.. there are other sites out there where people actually understand people with depression. If Richard had any true qualifications or knowledge he wouldnt be on this site giving advice a dad would be giving his 13 yr old son... which is out of his scope of practice.
Eddy1979
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