People get angry at me when I argue with them

#30

Postby Hamming » Thu Jul 14, 2016 6:22 am

Does everyone or any one else tend to get angry with you when you express your opinion? Or does it just happen with this friend?


lot of people get angry. It might be the reason why in school I had few friends only. And maybe people were giving wrong advice , like be confident, you are too serious about things. With you are too serious maybe ok.

But I was fighting with my unconfidence maybe in a wrong way. I thouth if I want to be respected and cool, I want to express my point of view even if others do not agree on it and do not like it. But with many people I feared that they will get angry, and so people saw me a unconfident. Its hard at school cause according to a book, I had to understand from their point of view why are they such bastards, being angry, liking to do criminal activity. And I do not even want such friends because they push me into their activity also, but I need to still somehow have no enemies, its very hard.

Do you give your views aggressively or keep repeating a point over again?
Do you make big things out of little things?


It might be that I give my views agressively. Also repeaded a point again. For example in the job which I was recently fired (created another topic if interested) I remember I repeaded a point even to shareholder what is more productive in my opinion (actually not only my, but many people agree to me). Maybe even feeling managers wrong is one of causes they fired me.

People say that I make big things out of little things, so if you believe them its ok. I am a logic person, programmer and I like details, and I hate when people say wrongly even small thing. I want to show them they are wrong. Just now after the book reading I am trying to keep calm and stop.


it can be a waste of time trying to have any discussion with them as they are usually very set in their ways, have set ideas and just get annoyed when you express something that does not fit in with their vision.

yea, sometimes it can. But often from the things I disagree, I find lot of things which I agree on. So I filter and take those what I think makes sense. So I still have to talk to those people.

One more hard to deal thing is that they are even angry that I do not belive them blindly just because they are better in that area. Better with girls, better in carreer. So they tell me just believe. Because I am at my state because I have wrong beliefs. Imagine you have to believe 2+2 = 5 just because mathematician said so. I guess you would think, this mathematician is not good in every situation at least.

Usually, if you stand up to a friend who is like this, they will cool off the friendship, because it no longer suit them - they don't want to hang around with someone who makes them question themselves as they can't cope with any perceived criticism (look up narcissistic personality traits). If your friend is like this, they are unlikely to change and the friendship will carry on this way, unless you choose to break it off or regularly disagree with them, (so they end it anyway).


I really wish they do not end the relationship, I am even surprised that those go so long, with one it is 6 years, with another maybe 5 years. At least until I do not find better friends to fill their position (good carreer advisor, good relationships, psychology advisor).

Btw lot of people get angry, but not all of them. Few people are who do not get angry at me almost ever. Even I had such girlfriend who I was not afraid to tell smth what I think. I have skype friend for maybe 6 years who also we do not get in angry situations. I have another friend which I meet in real life and she rarely gets angry. Just few time she says something which is bad about me but its easier to accept, because I agree what she says but from my point of view its not bad.
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#31

Postby SHe4d » Thu Jul 14, 2016 5:05 pm

You seem to be saying two contradictory things - that you dont express your opinion because you are frightened of their response, but also that you do express it and not always in a good way.

Its good that you are acknowledging some fault on your own part and looking for ways to improve. The fact that you've written this post and taking advice on board is admirable.

If you started expressing opinions at school to appear more confident and cool, then that's where you probably formed a more aggressive or pedantic approach to discussion. You focus to much on winning, losing, right and wrong. Often there are no winners or losers and right or wrong does not exist. There are only differing views.

It sounds like some of your friends are trying to offer advice and then get annoyed when you argue back because they see themselves as more experienced. They think they're doing you a favour. I would advise listening to them and then just say "thanks, Ill take that on board". Or "you make some good points, thanks". Say it like you mean it without criticism. You don't have to do what they say, you can think about it and then weigh the situation up for yourself and make your own decisions anyway.

If people get aggressive or disrespectful then weigh up whether they are worth spending time with. Certainly stear clear of any criminal activity or those involved in it! You should not be fearing giving your opinion, but perhaps as you have highlighted, the way you communicate needs work.
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#32

Postby laureat » Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:27 pm

I don't really think people have a problem with discussion I think most of people love to exchange ideas and so unless they are upset or whatsoever

but our approach could be wrong

one who try too hard to convince the other may lead oneself to frustration and it may also wound the other, one who is insecure and panic about something can also wound the other, one who is obsessed and doesn't stop discussing make the other uncomfortable

it is not all about rather if what you say is correct or wrong it is also important how you approach because someone may find it disrespectful, arrogant, obsessive, and may not be comfortable with that
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#33

Postby Hamming » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:18 am

Its good that you are acknowledging some fault on your own part and looking for ways to improve. The fact that you've written this post and taking advice on board is admirable.


thanks, its pleasure to read this after so much criticism :)

If you started expressing opinions at school to appear more confident and cool, then that's where you probably formed a more aggressive or pedantic approach to discussion. You focus to much on winning, losing, right and wrong. Often there are no winners or losers and right or wrong does not exist. There are only differing views.


actually I remeber very well one thing also from the childhood. We were walking in the market with family. And my father discussed with salesman so that the salesmen get anoyed and angry. Then after we walked away from this salesmen, mother criticised him that he discuss in a way that make him angry. But as a child I was not sure what is good or bad, but I know my father has been doing decent business comparing to other classmates parents and so I kind of felt that my father is not so stupid and is kind of example. Was not 100 % sure of course. And so it could also install to me that discusing to win is ok. But we cannot blame a father alone, cause I think I see lot of people who like to be right, especially when guys talk about cars, or fishing.

It sounds like some of your friends are trying to offer advice and then get annoyed when you argue back because they see themselves as more experienced. They think they're doing you a favour. I would advise listening to them and then just say "thanks, Ill take that on board". Or "you make some good points, thanks". Say it like you mean it without criticism. You don't have to do what they say, you can think about it and then weigh the situation up for yourself and make your own decisions anyway.

exactly, as book would say - its from their perspective. They like to be important. I also thouth about listening and saying thanks. And do so, but too bad, I then do not get all the info, of why he thinks so.

And probably he does not want to tell why, because he does not have clear facts besides that he is better at this area. what do you think, can this be a reason most of the time?
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#34

Postby SHe4d » Fri Jul 15, 2016 8:45 am

Peoples life experiences form their opinions. An old person who has been through a lot in their lives, or someone who has had particular experience in an area is likely to give some good advice based on what they've learned. Its worth listening to them and respecting their view. It would be very difficult for them to always back their view up with facts because it may be too complex to explain or much of it could be sub-consciously learnt.

However, you've always got to bear in mind (quietly in your own head, not vocally) that the world changes and their experience could now be less relevant, and that your own life and experiences could end up being very differen to their's. You could speak to someone else who would give different advice because THEIR experiences are different.

Most important thing is that if someone thinks they are trying to help you, just accept their advice graciously. Judge for yourself what to think and do. X
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#35

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 4:36 pm

So few years passed since this topic. But couple of weeks ago I heard interesting thing. There was a discussion about living alone vs living with wife/husbund. And my uncles wife said - its good to live with husbund because then you can argue. So - finnaly somebody besides who likes to argue. Oh damn, it feld like I am only alone who likes to argue. Ok, not alone, politicians like to argue I see.

Now when writing also remembered one commedian who also, not sure if he used same word argue, but the meaning is the same. He said - his biggest passion is to argue. He goes to facebook and if he sees someone talking dumb, he comments. He he like it more than sex. Especially if that dumb person thinks he is right, the more he thinks he is right, the more pleasure he feels arguing with him to show he is not right :) so maybe I have some attributes of comedian ? :) Damn I feel so much like him, just no sure if I agree about sex statement :)

But I try in reality not to argue much unless I see I there are people like me who like doing it. Or I need to solve some serious problem. I feels that it works in terms of having better relationships, but its more boring to talk with those people who do not like debates. I feel like I am not having full rights of expressing my opinion. And they are having more rights because they express what they think and makes me want to argue, especially when they say some complete bs.
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#36

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 17, 2019 5:16 pm

I often wonder if using more vanilla extract might make brownies taste better. Thoughts?
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#37

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 7:43 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:I often wonder if using more vanilla extract might make brownies taste better. Thoughts?

depends on how much more :)
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