Am I a lesbian or is it HOCD?

Postby BringMeTheSanity » Tue May 10, 2016 3:49 pm

I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD. I always thought that I was straight.

Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal for a little while. For the past 6 months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them(it feels so real) and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." but they were literally JUST okay to me. I am so rarely attracted but I had two male crushes in high school that I was obsessed with. I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly(the answer has been yes lately) and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, I even wake up in a panic and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 7 or 8 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. We have video chatted and I felt nothing. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't, just like I want to be attracted to my boyfriend. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex (I have had sex once and thought it was very boring and was not turned on during the actual sex.. but it was both of our first times and I haven't cared to do it again), etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. I counted every crush and possible crush (real life and celebrity) that I have ever had in my life.. 26 people. 9 were girls and I only remember genuinely thinking that I had a crush on one not that I knew of and it only lasted a little while (as mentioned above.)- even having met two of my female celebrity crushes, I was not sexually attracted. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian, like I really wouldn't care if that was who I really was, I just don't know because I didn't think that I was a lesbian a few months ago.. If you had asked me if I were straight or a lesbian about 3 years ago, the answer would have been no.. The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian?? This thought has been in my head for the past 6 months or so but it has recently gotten very bad. I pray every single day to not be gay because I remember liking men, I just don't right now. It is so weird, its all I think about. I just read a post by a lesbian and she said that she can be attracted to men but sex feels like a job. That is so of how I feel since my bad experience with sex but I love my boyfriend. Sex feels like a job for me however, I am not sure if it would be any different with a woman. I might just be more of a foreplay person.. I used to love the smell of men and my boyfriend, his embrace, hard stomach and muscles, his penis, etc. I am only paying attention to women now and it freaks me out.

P.S. I just got my period after about four months of not having it and could possibly have PCOS, could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?

P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community. I have watched shows about same sex relationships, wanted to volunteer at events for the community, I have always gotten very excited for friend and family when they came out. Maybe there was a reason that I was SO accepting?
BringMeTheSanity
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#1

Postby Ihceik » Wed May 11, 2016 12:12 pm

If the idea of being with a woman revolts you and is not something you want, then it's most certainly HOCD. If you feel that it is something you're comfortable with and to a degree, would feel natural to you. Then perhaps there's room that you are.
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#2

Postby BringMeTheSanity » Wed May 11, 2016 6:37 pm

It used to find it revolting. The more I have thought about it, and it has been a long time, the less revolted I am. I am not sure if it would feel natural to me. I used to think that dating guys felt natural to me but I am not attracted to them right now and it worries me.
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#3

Postby Ihceik » Thu May 12, 2016 11:43 am

You are attracted to them. It's just that your anxiety levels are so high, that you feel that you feel that you're not. I've been through something similar (I don't suppose you've ever smoked weed before?) I advise you accept it as HOCD and not to give it any power. Acknowledge the thoughts and do not fight against them. Logically, if you were truly gay, none of this would be an issue. You wouldn't have found the thoughts revolting initially. How can be you be something you don't truly want to be?
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#4

Postby BringMeTheSanity » Sat May 14, 2016 8:33 pm

That is what scares me now. The thoughts are not totally disgusting to me anymore. I would rather be attracted to men again but as of right now, I can't even see myself with either gender because of these thoughts. I actually thought about coming out to my parents but when I try, I don't feel right or something. I feel like if I give into these thoughts and feelings, I am accepting being gay.
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