BPD girlfriend: Both in need of some advice

Postby BigBrotherGrimm » Tue May 24, 2016 3:33 pm

Hey all of you,

If you don't want to read the whole story just scroll down :)

When I met her last summer it was almost an instant catch.
She worked at the bar in my yearly theatre workshop, that I finally had managed to bring my best mate to along.
It was one of those exceptionally fun summer weeks that you treasure as a memory.
She stood out (how could she) and I was kinda surprised that she liked me so much, because usually girl that pretty aren't at all that interested. Especially if I act out drunkenly in front of their collegues on the first night and pissed everyone off.

We got along quick and very well and me and my friend stayed in the bar hours after closure joking around with her and talking about movies and music. It was clear from our first smile that we indeed got along well.

But I was also under the impression, even at the time before I knew her name, that there was definitely a sensational and risky side to her. That she was obviously a person never in the middle of a spectrum, thus always at an extreme. I could also read from her that she probably partied a great lot and liked to fool around with drugs. These were all just impressions at the time that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't been this drawn to her. That she had a shadowside was confirmed by the scars I noticed on her left arm when she was working her bar.

(Hey Rich if you read this you probably understand now why I started to mouth off at you, because what you said was something I was thinking about myself but didn't want to hear it in such bold strokes)

Well, we got along great and she was a little disappointed that I made her wait a week before we kissed but she has pointed out later that she thought that was frustrating at the time but incredibly sexy. yeah yeah hard to get and all I was just shy actually but let her think that.

So when she came home from that place a week after me I went to her house and haven't left until about 3 weeks ago when she rolled out to work there again. We are still very much in love but things get rocky at times.

Now I have a sister who is also a borderline personality but you really can't talk to her, you cannot befriend her, you cannot trust her. She is constantly trying to manipulate and hurt you and just doesn't care about anything while doing it nor afterwards. I know that my sister loves me but she has no way of letting me know. She is the type of borderline person who is talking to you and a second later swear to never speaking to you again because you spill a glass of water. My girlfriend is actually a bit scared of her, but maybe that's because of my incredible stories about sissy.

Well, just days after we first got together my girl explained to me that she was frustrated because she was scared of falling in love with me and to commit and didn't want me to expect to much from her because she usually tries to stay out of a relationship because they have proven to be bad experiences. She specifically pointed out how hard she had been working for the last 4 years to get herself to deal better with her emotions and not to manipulate people. Later she has told me more about her previous relationships. She's had many boyfriends but the 3 serious relationships in her life were wrecking for her, especially the last 2. I have met these guys, one is a serious drug abuser with a family fortune but the guy is quite fun to be around and the other one is a very stupid narcissist (he has been called that way by other people who told me about him) and it angers me just to think that she's ever been loyal to a dumbass like that. But I'm told borderline and narcissist people meet each other more often.

Now that I know her for 10 months and have experienced her ups and downs. But as her life focusses more and more on her study and her time with me she grows more frustrated, I believe because she is just convinced that sooner of later I will leave her or betray her. This has led to a couple of explosions where she calls me names and threatens to break my stuff. At first I did not know that these were the peaks of borderline behavior and reacted wrong, by getting angry. But I have now learned that I should always stay calm or leave if it get's unbearable.

I hate you don't leave me stuff is what this is. Luckily she only gets hostile during these peaks and never in between. She's not the borderline type of person that my sister is, the one that switches all day long. Also, these peaks are not always directed at me but lately they have been because I am not only her lover but also near the core of her emotional problems.

After realizing the connection between her anger and the disorder she has told me about, I am a little mad at her parents and all her previous lovers, because I have always known how hurtful her relationship with her family is.
Her mother made her into a twisted perfectionist, obsessed with perfection. She worked her donkey off for months after she met me to finish her Thesis and got an A!!! A f***ing A and she cannot even be proud about it, well not longer than 5 minutes before she discourages the whole achievement. Her parents have used her as an object to take out your own frustrations on. She told me about her mother very early in our relationship and how she is fun but just crazy. In short, she has been abused constantly when she was little and it's no wonder why she got involved with abusers for years and turned to drugs and liquor and rage and has a crime record.. while she is actually a very interesting, intellectual, loving woman, but the way how she is damaged... I wish I knew what that damaged impression really meant for how she was structured.

Nevertheless, she has a way of controlling her emotions that worked in the past but it's something she has to focus on again. To me it is clear that her borderline is quite mild if you look at all the characteristics of the disorder, but there are a few that she has full blown, such as splitting (black or white thinking/all or nothing). There is also a great deal of the list that do not apply to her.

Oh.. how can I forget. I got her pregnant a couple of months back and she had an abortion, but she was (and is I'm sure) pissed because of this because it was a very stupid mistake and she didn't want to have to make that choice. I am glad though that she had the conviction that she just wouldn't keep it instead of having to decide at the time... but... she is sad about it now sometimes. And this is something I do feel guilty about.

It is clear for the rest that I do have a good influence on her. She first said this as a joke when we we together for only a couple of days. But later her friends, father and her cousin have pointed out that they perceive me as being a very positive force in her life, she herself has also mentioned it at times. She is a drug user but doesn't take them now. She has stopped smoking. She takes the time to get into her studies instead of doing everything done at the last moment by staying awake for 2 nights (she never gets bad grades but wouldn't have received an A for her thesis with just a couple of days of research and writing). She finally has a boyfriend that doesn't abuse her or consumes amounts of cocaine or cheats on her or lies to her but one that gets along with her friends and her family. We think of fun ideas to do together such as a trip to Canada, we have our own comedy characters and share a lot of music love. She finds time to work out and swim a lot.

My quest for advice

Is there anyone who has the experience of relationships with BPD and how you can handle these explosive fits?
I have been adviced by her to just ignore everything she says and if needed to just leave the house. I forgot that she said that but I figured it out by now.

I know that leaving is not the worst option because she is not clingy at all and she herself repeatedly points out that a contributing factor could be that we see to much of each other and that her feelings for me would build up to much with me around. I think now that she is right about that. She trusts me enough to let me walk away and not be calling every hour. She also cools down quite fast to the point where she apologizes.

Any advice is welcome! Thanks!
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Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat May 28, 2016 11:46 am

Yes, walking away from explosive fits can be a useful strategy. Go with your instinct, you are a sensitive guy, you can read situations, trust your feelings more.
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Postby BigBrotherGrimm » Tue May 31, 2016 2:34 pm

Thanks Julius! It seems that it was the best thing to do now indeed
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Postby JesseGondry1 » Mon Nov 13, 2017 6:40 am

I am reading this book called I hate you, don't leave me. Supposed to be a classic in the field. Actually, don't at all know what to do in this case. Was also wondering if any of you had experience in calling out a person's BPD behavior when they have not admitted to the diagnosis themself. Any advice appreciated. Will it make someone shut down more were you to say, "Hey I get it, this is your BPD symptoms"?
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