My life

Postby spiderboy » Thu May 26, 2016 12:22 pm

I am a 22 year old boy from Romania, and I'm going to graduate from college in a month.
I can say that I have a good life, I have everything I need materially, I have a great loving family, and I honestly consider myself a smart person. I have done many things in my life. I have been congratulated and told what a great person I am many times. My parents always say that they are so proud of me and they only wish that they were like me when they were teenagers. All this sounds wonderful.

But on the inside, I'm not feeling well. Actually, in this period of my life, I've been feeling really bad on the inside. I constantly feel the need to satisfy everybody around me, and I feel I have to make decisions for my life right now, although I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm graduating, and I'm among the top 3 students of the university, but I don't feel good enough. I feel I have way much more to learn. I am pushed to go on with my studies for a Master's degree but I don't feel ready for that right now. I feel I'm in a need of some free time, but my parents are against "doing nothing", because they are constantly afraid that if I choose do have a gap year, I will never go on with my studies again.

I feel like in a depressive state. feel like everybody else around me is doing fine and they are all happy with their lives, because they're in charge of them. I feel that everybody takes life easy, they live relaxed without caring for anything, and they have success in everything they want, while I care a lot for every little detail, and I am not even noticed many times.
I don't have friends, neither a girlfriend. I don't like going to clubs because I can't stand the music there and I don't like to get drunk. I am respectful and nice with everybody but I have never felt I get that back from the people around me. I feel like the person who is not wanted by anybody, although I am funny, friendly and I like to try new things. I'm just not interesting, because I'm the "boring" guy who doesn't do the stupid things, I guess. I have had a small friends circle, but I was the one who was always considered inferior and always being laughed at. So I decided to loosen the friendships with those people. I find it really difficult to become friends with people. I'm not talking about getting to know somebody. I'm talking about creating a friend relationship. And I find it way much harder to get a girlfriend, but I believe I'm just not attractive because of the way I feel inside. I really need some people around me whom I can trust and talk to freely, because I don't have that. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and I would gladly be that to somebody else too, but nobody seems to be interested in it. I want to have a girlfriend to love and spend time with. That would change my life because I wouldn't feel alone anymore. I am a virgin, and have sexual desires, but I don't want a girlfriend only for sex. I want someone I can love and who can love me back, but all the girls I know choose other people, which sometimes are honestly not so funny, and far less respectful or smart. I don' understand how this works. I really don't. I feel like I was born in the wrong place or year and I have the feeling that the world doesn't need me now, because everybody is doing just fine without me. Except my family, of course.

Now I'm sitting here in my student dorm room, feeling and emptiness inside me because I literally feel alone. It's not the first time I have this feeling. I get it about every week and I really don't like it. I manage to get out of it all the times, but it comes back eventually.

I'm also a musician. I've been playing for 12 years, but haven't written my songs yet. I have many ideas recorded, but didn't sit down to create my music. I feel I can do it only if I have nothing else on my mind.

I love to travel. I visited China two years ago, and last year I spent 4 months in the USA. One of my dreams was to visit NYC and I made it. I was so happy that I was walking on the streets smiling and feeling an amazing energy inside me. I would have wanted to go again, because I had the opportunity, but my parents insisted on me going on with a Master's Degree instead of going to work in the USA, which I actually enjoyed a lot and I feel it also helped me a lot, both personally and financially. My parents are great people. I love them with all my heart, but I feel that they care too much about me and this keeps me down a lot. They don't let me drive on a long road without them being with me, and they keep telling me their opinion on everything I want to do. Maybe I would like to go on a trip by hitchhiking and I'm sure they wouldn't agree, because it's too dangerous. The truth is that given the fact that I have no friends to rely on and to spend time with, my parents are the only persons in the world whose advice and opinions I care the most about. This is why I feel I began to make decisions and think just like they want me to, although I don't see things the same way sometimes.
People around me tell me to go a travel somewhere by myself with the money I earned, but I wouldn't enjoy it alone. I would rather be nervous and anxious instead of enjoying it, and my parents wouldn't agree with me travelling alone either.
They always help me with everything. I'm the world for them. I would like to talk to them about all this and I actually tried a few times, but they get angry and say that they don't understand how a boy like me can feel this way, but they are not helping. They are also stressed at work, and I don't want to pressure them even more, because if they don't understand what I'm saying, I can't change that. So I feel alone in this case.

What I need is some advice from you on what I could do in order to get rid of these feelings and use myself at my best. I feel I have so much potential to do great and important things in my life! I just feel that not now. I'm confident about a great future me, but I'm not confident at all with the person I am now.

I know I wrote a lot, but I tried to be as specific as I could, although there would be a lot more to write.
Thank you in advance for your help and patience.

M.
spiderboy
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 26, 2016 8:55 pm

What you are struggling with is very normal. Many young adults struggle with not being free from their parents.

It is time you become an adult and take charge of your own life.

When you graduate, do whatever you want. You are an adult. If you don't want to go to school, don't. If you want to travel, then travel. If you want to get a job, get a job.

BUT! Here is the big BUT...when you take charge of your life, it means supporting yourself. No longer can you go to mom and dad and expect them to pay for your travel, your school, your food, etc.

The emotions you feel are this tug, between being a child and an adult. Mentally you are an adult. You can make your own decisions, you can follow whatever path you want, but being dependent on your parents hampers this independence, it makes you feel like you are not an adult.

From now until you graduate, make your life plan. Decide on what you want to do and how you will pay for it.
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#2

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat May 28, 2016 12:01 pm

Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to switch from external validation to internal validation?

Are you ready to stop comparing yourself to others and instead celebrate you you are?
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