Problem with girlfriend dating black guy in past...

Postby Jlha2 » Mon Jun 27, 2016 4:22 pm

Hey. Ok, so I understand that this subject could upset some people but it is a genuine problem that I have and I'd really appreciate any of your insight into the matter.

So I've been exclusively dating this girl for several weeks now and she recently brought up the subject of previous relationships. I wish she had never brought the subject up because i was totally happy never knowing but she did. Now, I've always had a problem discussing this stuff with my previous (first) girlfriend due to insecurity and jealousy issues, but I felt that I had turned a corner with this current girl as I didn't really feel the same way anymore (mainly due to her not being my first, like the previous girlfriend was).

Anyway, so the discussion continued and she told me that her last boyfriend was while she was in Africa. So curiosity got the better of me and I, assuming it was another foreigner, asked about him. That was when she told me it was a local guy and she had been with him for two years until they broke up after he cheated on her. My heart dropped and my stomach became knotted. I am ashamed to say that if it was a white guy then I would have been totally ok with their relationship, but the fact that it was a black african really bothers me and i dont know why. Ive searched my mind for answers and ive only drawn up blanks, but it is a very real, very visceral feeling that I am finding it hard to contain.

I still really like this girl but all the time images come to my mind of her with this big black african guy and its driving me insane. Ive now started worrying about my own health because we have had unprotected sex and this guy is basically from the aids/std capital of the world....and the fact that he cheated on her means he cant exactly be trusted when it comes to that area. I dont consider myself a racist, but am willing to accept that perhaps there is a deep subconscious part of me that is that is making me feel this way.

I totally realise this is a problem solely in my psyche, but i just cant figure out how to fix it.

I dont want to lose her or drive her away as I think she is amazing and I want more than anything to stop feeling this way.

Thanks for any help, and please dont be too harsh.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 27, 2016 5:05 pm

Well, you recognize it is racist. That is good. You would probably also have a visceral reaction if she had dated other men of which you don't approve, such as an 80 year old man.

The reason for these feelings is because it damages your ego. As you stated you are insecure and the only way a person can be insecure is if they make comparisons of themselves to others. Some people you must judge inferior while others you judge superior. Without judgment, without comparisons insecurity cannot exist.

You will be okay when you stop comparing yourself to others. Focus on her and what she wants, not on what you want as what you want is driven by your ego.
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#2

Postby mmk » Mon Jun 27, 2016 9:48 pm

Im pretty sure if he was a white guy you would still jealous about him. Because you mentioned that you had this problem in your previous relation too. It was your girlfriend mistake. She shouldnt have talked about her past with you. But she did. And now you must find a way to deal with it.
Firsr, NEVER talk and ask her about her past. She may defend her self and her previous decision and her previous boy friend and it will lead to more problem for you.
Now think with yourself, how much this girl worth to you? Its important to see how much she worth for you. Because you are going to do a hard task and deal with something that may take more than two years to complitly wipe out the jealously from your mind. Or maybe it never complity wipe out and you still think about it in random times for the rest of your life. But even if it dont complitly wipe out, you still think less about it and it less bothers you as time goes on. That is why you must see does this girl worth for all this?
If your answer is yes, then try to deal with it. Dont try to ignore it. Instead try to think about it and deal with it. It happend. She was with a black foreign guy. They tried every things. You think he was a bas*rd. You think she should have been with a better guy. But it was in past. You should practice to accept it and its not an easy task.
I wish luck and happiness for you in your path.
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#3

Postby Honkey » Fri Apr 16, 2021 12:57 am

I have to disagree with 90% of the responses here. Many of us were taught racism is bad. That said we were also told to only have relationships with your own kind. But even if she did not get this upbringing unless she is an idiot she knew the consequences of her actions. I do not think a black man would be please to find out his loving black girlfriend had been with a white guy.

So I have seen this descrbed as being blacked or soiled. Have her experiences not influenced her life?

She will always have that label placed by society not me or any individual. She decided to be with a black guy so she is not the one you want because you/I can't handle it.

If you decide to try and stay with her you will never really be happy. Impossible to touch her or even look at her without a feeling of disgust and such a low class person.

She wanted to be an outcast so do both of yourselves a favor and break up.

Once you go black we don't want you back and you know it so don't act surprised.

I too was positive I was not racist as everyone I know would attest. Two days ago my would be step daughter told me her "last daddy was black".

A detail my fiance failed to mention and based on passed relationship conversations this should not have been a surprised.

So I am a racist, so be it!!!
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 16, 2021 1:52 am

Honkey wrote:So I am a racist, so be it!!!


You are not alone. Racism has certainly been around since the beginning of mankind. And the universe has always had a funny way of letting that play itself out. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Good luck with that.
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#5

Postby Honkey » Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:28 am

So easy to dismiss decades of cultural conditioning? Live by the sword or die by the sword is often a term used by someone that has no idea what combat is or more to the point no idea what it’s like to have the shoe on a different foot. True reality has its own way of working thinks out. Denying ones own culture for someone else idea of what is right has lead to the justification of oppression.
My freedom ends where your nose begins.
Can’t help how I feel...
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:43 am

Honkey wrote:So easy to dismiss decades of cultural conditioning?


Race does not equal culture. You can be different races, same culture or same race, different culture.

Live by the sword or die by the sword is often a term used by someone that has no idea what combat is


You mean combat, where brothers don't give a rat's @##! the color of the skin of the person fighting beside them? You mean situations where you don't give two sh!@ts what culture, because you both wear green?

Keep talking, lol.

Denying ones own culture for someone else idea of what is right has lead to the justification of oppression.


You can be proud of your culture and not be a racist at the same time.
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#7

Postby Honkey » Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:51 am

Arrogance is often used when all you have to rely on is ignorance. You embrace it well. Culture is defined by the beliefs of the people who live in it. The stigma of black on white relationships did not start with me. Why do you attack me? You can judge and say it’s wrong but you can’t deny it existence. Is your intolerance of me really any better? You should try the Marriott. Keep fooling yourself.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 16, 2021 4:12 am

Honkey wrote: Culture is defined by the beliefs of the people who live in it.


Yep. Like I already pointed out, culture does not equal race. People can have different skin color and be of the same culture.

Why do you attack me?


Attack you? I simply disagree with your ideology which I find ignorant. That's an attack?

You can judge and say it’s wrong but you can’t deny it existence. Is your intolerance of me really any better?


I don't deny its existence. Racism exists and will always exist. Can I judge and say it is wrong? Absolutely. That's what I'm doing. And is my intolerance any better? Uh...yup, that's my judgment.

Same as you can proudly post, "I'm racist, so be it" I can proudly say, "I'm intolerant of racists, so be it."

And yes, I judge that my position is better than your position. That's okay, right? Same as you are allowed to judge that being a racist is better than being against racism, correct?

I guess I'm not sure where the problem resides. You're a self proclaimed advocate for racism. I don't advocate racism. It's all good.
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#9

Postby Honkey » Fri Apr 16, 2021 9:26 pm

I have never been pro racism, my feels came as a shock to me...
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#10

Postby tokeless » Sat Apr 17, 2021 6:34 am

Honkey wrote:I have never been pro racism, my feels came as a shock to me...


Your initial post suggests you were comfortable with it, the acceptance of what you were taught or shown to be fact. If this was violence towards women would you agree with that because perhaps you witnessed it in your own life, so it was normal behaviour? I assume you are an adult, so you can choose what you believe and you chose to be racist and were ok with that.... to me, that's different to being conditioned. You have the power to change your beliefs if you want to and don't agree with what you were taught. If I'm honest, I think the OP had one issue with this... it's based on black stereotypes and is perhaps in itself racist... Did he have a big c**k? How would he rate alongside that, so he felt less of a man. Now, a white guy could have been hung too, but that wouldn't be the first thing to come to his mind.. You can change if you choose to believe what you think... if not, you're ok being a racist.
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#11

Postby OptimalHappiness » Mon Apr 19, 2021 8:14 am

Hey, late to the party, trying to catch up with the conversation. I really liked the answer of Richard, who said its a comparison process whereas you are either perceiving people to be superior or inferior to you. In case of that guy, maybe he is superior, but in which way? If he is inferior, in which way?

Also, this is precisely why you should not talk about other ex's ever, period, or any potential competition (men) overall. You just learned the lesson the hard way, haha.

Lastly, if you are worried about some STD, then go get checked yourself. If she had something, certainly you would have it already. If not, then you are good.
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