my mother hates me

Postby mariana » Sun Jul 17, 2016 9:35 pm

the day I was born I feel my mother never truly loved me. My brother was born a year after me and suffers from a disorder. all she ever sees is him. my entire life I have been forced to solve problems myself and she blames me for not having a relationship with her. she has never been like other moms. she never wants to do anything or meet anyone. she is strict and tries to rule over me. she decides what I should and shouldn't do. I am older now and still being controlled by her. every time I confront or share a problem with her she uses it against me. She blames me for every thing that is wrong in her life. One of her best friend who she used to spend time with while ignoring me and my problems as a child ditched her and found a new BFF. guess who she blames now for that happening! I have always wanted to got to college and when my father used up their saving to send me she blames me constantly for that happening. she says I am not grateful and takes out every opportunity to put me down. She cries in front of my dad all the time saying I have no respect for her.She class up her sister twisting my words and telling fake stories to show them what a piece of sh** I am. I am dying in this hell hole without a sole to listen to me. I want to kill myself so that I will finally be away from her and deep down I think that is what she wants too. I have been the boy in the family to overcome my brothers short comings. I have done everything in my power to please them. I get perfect grades. I work at home and am looking for a part time job to help pay for my tuition. But after all this I am still worthless and a disappointment.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:52 am

So move out. You are an adult. You are free to make your own choices. If you are not happy, leave.
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#2

Postby mariana » Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:48 am

My name suggests I am from america or any other nation that believes children should move out or can move out at the age of 18 but I come from a country that believes in no such thing. Its not possible for me to move out because the society will never except it and will never help or respect such a person. The only way I can truly get rid of them is If I get married and that too to a man they approve off.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:06 am

Bull.

If you are in a society where you can go to college, if you are in a society where you can work to pay for tuition, then you are in a society where you can leave the home of your parents if you want. There is no law stopping you.

What you are doing is putting chains on your own wrists, but blaming your parents, blaming your culture, blaming your society.

You can move out if you want, but you don't wish to accept the consequences of moving out. You want to pretend the consequences of you choosing to leave your home would be worse conditions than your current situation. That is bull.

Either move out or stay. Either way, stop blaming others, take responsibility for your life and make your own path. Each path will have consequences, each path may not be easy, but each path is still your choice. You are not a poor, helpless child or a slave, so don't treat yourself like one. You seem intelligent enough to know what you want, so stop being a victim, have some respect for yourself and make your own path.
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#4

Postby mariana » Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:48 am

I am being taught that is a "privilege" . I believe this forum was to help people not harass them. You do not know me. You do not know the struggles I have made to get to where I am. You do not know the sacrifices I make on a daily basis. I hate what my mother is doing but I also respect my father who has spent every dime on me. If I walk out on him then what kind of a person do you think I will be?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 18, 2016 4:29 am

This forum is to help people, not enable them to continue to believe they are somehow a lesser person or helpless.

When you show strength to your parents, both your mother and your father, it is not walking out on them. It is giving them, including your father, the opportunity to offer you reasons to stay. Once again, you are an adult. I understand at 18 you struggle with this idea, but it does not make it any less true. You are posting with the mentality of the child, the helpless victim rather than the adult that you have recently become. It is a very common struggle.

You are not married to your father, therefore you cannot "walk out on him". Your father is an adult. He was on this earth before you and can survive with or without you. You can have as much or as little contact with him as you like. The same holds true for your mother. You can live one street over, another neighborhood or city. As an adult, it is up to you.

Bottom line, you are an adult that has options and just because I am not giving you advice that enables you to play victim does not mean I am harassing you. It means I'm giving you advice that makes you uncomfortable, advice you don't want to accept as to accept it means you have the responsibility to make some tough choices and make your own way in life as an adult instead of blaming a parent for your life.
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#6

Postby mariana » Tue Jul 19, 2016 2:40 pm

My morals do not allow me to do this. I know what you mean and I respect that. However, in my culture we do not leave our parents. If you have a better solution than telling me to leave them then please do comment but if you have nothing productive and expect me to walk away from my problems l will not do that because I repeat I do not share the same morals as you. Please respect that rather than find another reason to say " I am acting like a helpless victim". I do not come from a society that allows children to move out at 18. I would have loved to do this but legally I cant. The only way I can is if I get married but I don't want to.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jul 19, 2016 3:19 pm

mariana wrote:My morals do not allow me to do this. I know what you mean and I respect that. However, in my culture we do not leave our parents. If you have a better solution than telling me to leave them then please do comment but if you have nothing productive and expect me to walk away from my problems l will not do that because I repeat I do not share the same morals as you. Please respect that rather than find another reason to say " I am acting like a helpless victim". I do not come from a society that allows children to move out at 18. I would have loved to do this but legally I cant. The only way I can is if I get married but I don't want to.


You think your morals will remain static your entire life? You think your morals will be unyielding, unchanging regardless of circumstance? No. Throughout life your morality will change as it does for every single person that seeks out knowledge. The more knowledge you gain, the more your morals will adjust.

At age 18 you have not yet gained much wisdom, you have beliefs that limit you and make you into a helpless victim that hides behind your current morals. Your current morals are your defense, while at the same time you disrespect your mother. What do your morals say about disrespecting a parent, even if that disrespect is only in your mind or in some anonymous forum? Maybe you should focus on your moral conflict with disrespect more than your moral defense of not being able to leave a household. What do you think? You want to dismiss that argument as well?

You are full of sh*t that you reside in a country where you cannot legally leave. I can understand culturally or socially there would be consequences, but legal consequences? The police arrest you and take you back to your parents? You go to jail? Which country would that be? Unless you are using the Internet while living with the Taliban, then you are stretching the truth. I understand some parts of the world are still very controlling of women, but based on all of your posts thus far, including that you are attending college, I don't believe you legally cannot leave the home of your parents until marriage.
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#8

Postby mariana » Wed Jul 20, 2016 3:52 am

I think you are an donkey. you assume things and you are not even close. I am not 18. Just because I go to college doesn't mean the society is what you think it is. You need to really go and improve your knowledge about the world because at this rate you are just bias and don't know what you are talking about. The time I spent on this stupid forum didn't even help! your stupid logic was a waste of my time. you should change your profession pal because it ain't working out for you. Oh and just because I seem educates doesn't mean I go to a fancy school. In a conservative society I taught myself to be better. I am what I am because I worked on myself.
Oh and my morals wont change because unlike you I don't believe in leaving my parents. I don't want them to be alone when they get old and cant even take care of themselves. People in the developed countries move out and leave their parents and never look back. I may not be in good terms with my mother that doesn't mean I don't love my parents and that doesn't give me the right to leave them. Oh and you could have told me to try and talk to my mother because someone else did and guess what it helped. So again go find another job! GOOD BYE
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jul 20, 2016 4:16 am

Oh please, stop whining and grow up. You have a great life compared to many, but it is not enough for you. Your father did not spend money to put you into college, your parents spent that money. They are married.

Keep making excuses in life, blame others, cry and whine all you like and see how that works out for you, How is it working out for you so far? Apparently not so well. You need to grow up.

Somebody told you to talk with your mother about your problems and it helped? Really? You never thought of that before? It never occurred to you to talk to your mother? I thought you said you are a problem solver, that you had to solve your own problems, but it never occurred to you to talk with your mother?

The more you post, the more you write, the more full of sh*t you apparently are. You are in a family where your parents have supported you, but as your mother has pointed out, you don't appreciate the opportunities you have been provided. Which country? You don't respond, because you are full of sh*t. You are not some oppressed female, but you want to paint that picture. It is obviously not true as you respect your father, the man that is supporting your education while you disrespect your mother.

I realize you did not get what you expected out of this forum, but in my opinion that is not a bad thing. It can be healthy to be told you are wrong. It can be healthy to have your beliefs challenged. Never did I say you don't love or support your parents. I said you leave. Where on earth does leaving mean to stop supporting or loving them? That is your twisted logic. You don't need to be living in the same house to prove your love.

Bottom line, stop playing the victim. You have a good life with great opportunities. You have choices. Stop whining and get on with life.
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#10

Postby Kenna » Fri Jul 22, 2016 7:25 am

I think my mother has put too many expectations on me, she always compare me with other girls and wish I was like them. I have been very angry, but now I know she still loves me, just is not right with the way that I look forward to
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#11

Postby lonerz » Sat Jul 23, 2016 12:02 pm

Hi,

I understand some of your struggles; I’ve been through some difficult situations as well. It's not easy to live with your mother showing disrespect. On the other hand, her reactions can be neutralized if you do not show negative reactions, this may help. If you feel that she treats you that way, it's better to not act like her or feel anger, you can’t improve the situation if you respond with the same attitude. You can try to understand why she acts the way she does, maybe she wants to be authoritarian, protective or she is frustrated about herself, her own problems. The anger she feels is mostly related to her, not you, and you should pity her. Despite this, it’s likely that deep down she cares about you, you’re her daughter after all, but she does not know how to be more genuine. You need to wonder why exactly she may feel bad towards you and this may help to alleviate a bit. Does she needs respect and gratitude? Give it to her, be the first one who gives in, without expecting anything in return. Or do you think she may be narcissistic in her demands? If that may be true, try researching about the scapegoat-golden child family dynamic.
I think it's best to focus on your own expectations rather than your parents'. It’s more difficult to change others, but you can change yourself. If you develop some passion or interest for what you do or like, you are less prone to be emotionally dependent on them, even if you share the same space. You do not have to expect too much emotional support from her, especially if she is troubled as you describe her. You do not need her recognition to be yourself. You’re definitely not the worthless person they may try to convince you; in fact, you have developed more autonomy and courage than your sibling, which may benefit you in the end. Things are not easy, but you may break free from the emotional conflict. You don’t have to believe her and you do not have to be harsh on yourself; you can develop more kindness towards you, by focusing on what you would like to do in life and finding people you could befriend. Believe in your power to overcome adversity :D
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#12

Postby Weitzel » Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:41 pm

I don't think that your mother "hates you" it is just your brother who has health issues and she spent more time with him since he is more "ill" and therefore requires more attention. Maybe it is true that sometimes she's not acting like a normal mother should with her child, but let's not that she's suffering, she's having problems, she's emotionally low because of all those problems. She needs help. and after all, she is in depression because of that. Maybe she does say some things about you that she shouldn't, but I believe that it is not her it is her depression talking. I do know that it is much more easier said that done, but you have to understand this and to be stronger than this. And if you're really not feeling comfortable ten yeah... you might leave. you said that you're working, what would be a problem for you to leave if you're feeling THAT bad there?
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#13

Postby gavinfg » Thu Jul 28, 2016 12:34 pm

Move out is the option...
but try to maintain a good relationship with her although it maybe hard to do so..

you know what, yes, you may think that you hate her and she hates me now. However, one day you may feel regret as you did not try to fix the relationship.
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#14

Postby Weitzel » Fri Jul 29, 2016 10:46 am

gavinfg wrote:Move out is the option...
but try to maintain a good relationship with her although it maybe hard to do so..

you know what, yes, you may think that you hate her and she hates me now. However, one day you may feel regret as you did not try to fix the relationship.



that's definitely true, you would be very sad about that. So better, at least, try.
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