I have a question

Postby Peter123 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 11:28 pm

What makes a person judge themselves harshly? Is it because they expect much from themselves? Pressure from others?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:44 am

There are many factors as to the extent a person judges themselves. They might be harsh in one area and easy on themselves in another. There can be temporal, environmental, social and cultural factors.
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#2

Postby katenikolina » Tue Jul 19, 2016 10:43 am

Hello, I have a problem, not so long ago learned that her husband watches gay porn and photos in the same direction. We live together 1.5 years, was a rift in the relationship (have not had sex, did not talk much) before the New Year, we talked, all returned to normal. And just at the same time, I know what he looks gay porn, he did not tell me, found in the browser. At first thought, just interesting (well, who did not look), flipped through, he looks with enviable regularity. And I can not tell him what I know. Offers a variety of our sex life, he says that all are satisfied. Help, I do not know how to solve this problem. Maybe he's a latent homosexual? Or is it just a way to escape. I do not know what to do.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:26 pm

He is a homosexual. You must decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a gay man.

What you do is have a very honest, direct conversation with him. I know it is not easy. I know it is difficult. He will make excuses, he will explain, he will provide reasons. You need to make him feel comfortable so he can be honest. Do not judge him. Accept him for being gay. Accept him for who he is.

BUT, acceptance does not mean you must stay in the relationship. You can still care for him, but recognize that you are a woman so you cannot satisfy him sexually. That is an important part of a marriage.
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#4

Postby gavinfg » Tue Jul 19, 2016 1:22 pm

They set higher standard to themselves. This makes them expect to achieve better.
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#5

Postby cyberpsychology » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:14 am

There are two 'selfs': the ideal and the real. When there's a lot of gap between the two, people tend to be more harsh on themselves, which is a reflection of the frustration over their inability to bridge that gap.

Being sincere and honest would alleviate the problem.
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#6

Postby bert_ernie » Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:42 pm

so is it that these people are perfectionists? or they have an unrealistic perfect image? i can be quite harsh on myself but i also try to be honest as much as i can. so in that way, your last statement doesn't really make sense to me.

maybe honesty is not the problem but rather incorrect perception? like wearing glasses that aren't prescribed to you.
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#7

Postby cyberpsychology » Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:54 pm

The obstacles that lie in front of you that prevent you from attaining that ideal self manifest as frustration. Exactly, they have an unrealistic perfect image.

Honesty is a manifestation, a trait, that arises out of a sense of security. And, you feel secure only when you feel comfortable being yourself, that is to say, when there's little variance in terms of ideal and real self. I hope it makes sense to you. Broadly, it is the ability to accept oneself.
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#8

Postby laureat » Thu Jul 28, 2016 12:56 am

the strongest reason is the EGO
men are more egoistic than women and for a reason it happens to think more self-critical

it becomes like jealousy when someone is so paranoiac about what his wife is doing, EGO makes so paranoiac to think extreme self-critical

you want to be better than others
you want to have more than others
you want to do more than others
and as you feel someone is doing, having, being more? the ego just hurts you bad, you feel such a loser
even though you may do really good on life still you feel different

the EGO target is to DRIVE You reach the climax
as you start falling just a little down, it will hurt you to keep going

and a problem is that we don't know how to calm it down we keep nurturing the EGO we care and encourage it to strengthen ,

when we talk to each other we pretend to be the smartest it is driven by the EGO

but once you understand the EGO, once you understand JEALOUSY the awareness calms you down because you no longer nurture it , it is an INTELLECTUAL access to the instinctual side

but the EGO is an instinct it may always kick in suddenly as you keep being aware, you create a mindset which somehow manage it

you cannot remove it you have to manage it
you cannot remove jealousy you manage it
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#9

Postby bert_ernie » Thu Jul 28, 2016 4:17 pm

cyberpsychology wrote:The obstacles that lie in front of you that prevent you from attaining that ideal self manifest as frustration. Exactly, they have an unrealistic perfect image.

Honesty is a manifestation, a trait, that arises out of a sense of security. And, you feel secure only when you feel comfortable being yourself, that is to say, when there's little variance in terms of ideal and real self. I hope it makes sense to you. Broadly, it is the ability to accept oneself.


hmm yes i think i am picking up what you are putting down. maybe. actually i can think of people i know like this. i guess it's called being comfortable in your own skin? like they are fairly level & unflappable personalities. which sometimes i seem like that but actually i'm not like that at all. as soon as someone pokes me or i'm uncomfortable at all, my calm shatters. when people try to agitate them or shake their tree, it doesn't tend to bother them.

so to get that i have to accept myself as i am. and stop striving away from what i am. but what if what i am is not so great? i think these people maybe had a great start in life. like i've known a few people that seem to just not quite have the problems the rest of us humans have. as if everything went right. and each success had a snowball effect to allow more stuff to go right.
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#10

Postby bert_ernie » Thu Jul 28, 2016 4:20 pm

laureat wrote:the strongest reason is the EGO
men are more egoistic than women and for a reason it happens to think more self-critical

it becomes like jealousy when someone is so paranoiac about what his wife is doing, EGO makes so paranoiac to think extreme self-critical

you want to be better than others
you want to have more than others
you want to do more than others
and as you feel someone is doing, having, being more? the ego just hurts you bad, you feel such a loser
even though you may do really good on life still you feel different

the EGO target is to DRIVE You reach the climax
as you start falling just a little down, it will hurt you to keep going

and a problem is that we don't know how to calm it down we keep nurturing the EGO we care and encourage it to strengthen ,

when we talk to each other we pretend to be the smartest it is driven by the EGO

but once you understand the EGO, once you understand JEALOUSY the awareness calms you down because you no longer nurture it , it is an INTELLECTUAL access to the instinctual side

but the EGO is an instinct it may always kick in suddenly as you keep being aware, you create a mindset which somehow manage it

you cannot remove it you have to manage it
you cannot remove jealousy you manage it


well that's true also. & i agree with you on the male ego.

i've found when trying to help people on here that quite often if it's a guy i'll activate their ego defenses and then have no idea how to deactivate them. doesn't seem to happen quite so often for females.

i like the way you put things.
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#11

Postby laureat » Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:53 am

thnx @bert_ernie

yeah when someone gets into that mode- (self defense - protecting the claims or whatsoever) I find it to be difficult to snap the mind out of it, even for myself not to mention the others

but you may want to try play with his ego ,
like telling you have lots of respect for him and you are thankful about this and that, so his ego be like " ah cool, I think I am safe ' and so may surrender that self-defense mode because his pride no longer sits behind that kind of detail you guys was talking about ,so you keeping his pride safe

if you be like, HEY WHAT YOU SAID IS WRONG that sure is possible to lead there

but if you look for a different approach, like HEY I AM UNSURE ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE READ THIS AND THAT, I HAVE SEEN THIS EVIDENCE and So.. he may not really feel insulted because your approach is not as DOMINANT, AUTHORITY, you simply providing the information your not messing as much like more humble or whatsoever and people have no problem with that
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#12

Postby cyberpsychology » Fri Jul 29, 2016 9:30 am

bert_ernie wrote:
cyberpsychology wrote:The obstacles that lie in front of you that prevent you from attaining that ideal self manifest as frustration. Exactly, they have an unrealistic perfect image.

Honesty is a manifestation, a trait, that arises out of a sense of security. And, you feel secure only when you feel comfortable being yourself, that is to say, when there's little variance in terms of ideal and real self. I hope it makes sense to you. Broadly, it is the ability to accept oneself.


hmm yes i think i am picking up what you are putting down. maybe. actually i can think of people i know like this. i guess it's called being comfortable in your own skin? like they are fairly level & unflappable personalities. which sometimes i seem like that but actually i'm not like that at all. as soon as someone pokes me or i'm uncomfortable at all, my calm shatters. when people try to agitate them or shake their tree, it doesn't tend to bother them.

so to get that i have to accept myself as i am. and stop striving away from what i am. but what if what i am is not so great? i think these people maybe had a great start in life. like i've known a few people that seem to just not quite have the problems the rest of us humans have. as if everything went right. and each success had a snowball effect to allow more stuff to go right.



I think it has got nothing to do with 'greatness'. These adjectives are relative and what matters is how good you feel bout yourself. Like if you know what you are, then criticisms and these 'pokings' will have no effect on you. They might make you look into yourself, introspect but will not anger you because you've come to an understanding that imperfections make people what they are and perfection is an abstraction.

It's more a mindset issue than external. I'm reminded of a Alan Watts quote, "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.” Hope it helps. Have a good day.
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#13

Postby JuliusFawcett » Sat Jul 30, 2016 8:19 am

Choosing self love is not that easy if the people that brought you up did not have unconditional self love.

and we can all change, self love is only ever choosing one positive thought at a time.
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#14

Postby Ralph Atia » Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:58 pm

Hey Peter123!

Great question :D , judging oneself is attracted and created by how you expect others to see and understand you. How Your past experiences whether it would be in self-doubt, hesitant, fear or lack of trust from your mom, dad or other family relatives determines how you will act! you must know why you act in certain manners ... what have caused you to act in this way will influence on the type of judgment you make! how people treat you and how you treat them will have a great influence on them ! reflect on this post i replied on and ask the following questions to yourself to reflect :

[list=] what have i done from him/her to treat me like this[/list]
[list=]why (desired person) behaves like this? [/list]
[list=]what can i do that will influence him to change his behaviour [/list]
[list=]How can i make my day better [/list]

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