Loneliness

[Seawave]

Hello everybody, I just wanted to share certain problematic things in my life with you. I want to be alone most of the time. Well not all the time really, but lets say 1 hour of interacting with people per day is enough. Otherwise i get pretty irritated and nervous. And it is often the same with my family members. They are all very good to me and i love them very much. That is also the reason why i do not want them to think i hate them because that is not the thing. I have tried to explain that to them once and they said that they understand but i saw they were sad. I was not always like that, i used to love company of others and the person i have become really makes me feel bad about myself. It is so weird becaude i sort of love being alone, but at the same time i feel guilty so i am really miserable. Soon i will turn 18 and i should be having real gold time. But things are just going in a wrong direction. Once i even said to my parents that i am going to pizza with a friend. They seemed really happy because they thought i am getting better. But i just went alone. Please help me if you have similar experience or some pieces of advice...

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

There is nothing wrong with enjoying plenty of alone time. It really depends on how you are spending that time. Are you doing something productive, positive with your time alone or not?

[Seawave]

Well I spend great amount of time doing chemistry and physics. Not because i would have to but because of my deep interest in these two subjects. So it actually is pretty productive. But it is actually the only thing (besides reading) that makes me truly happy.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

Throughout history there are plenty of people that have made the deliberate choice to spend much of their time alone. From philosophers to scientists to artists, from monks to mountain men, there are people that spend a large portion of their time by themselves. So what? If this is what they enjoy, if it makes them happy and they are living with purpose, in my opinion there is no reason for concern. It is a choice.

However, you did say spending time with others makes you nervous or irritated. In my opinion, that is not a reason to avoid people. Choosing to deliberately pursue a solitary path because it makes you happy, because you enjoy studying XYZ is different than being solitary to avoid irritation or being nervous when around others.

Only you know the true extent to which you spend time alone to avoid. If you are mainly trying to avoid being irritated, I would encourage you to look into getting out of your comfort zone and extend the amount of time you are around people, starting with an 1 hour, then 1:15, 1:30, 2 hours, etc.

[Purple_Monkey]

Hello, Seawave.
Do you really enjoy an hour, which your spend with your friends, but than you feel tired and irritated? Or probably, you are just so much concentreted on chemistry and physics, that find it difficult to think and talk about anything else?

I don't know if it's normal, but I am also a lot like you. I can spend just a limited time with people(something like few hours, but it depends), elsewhere I have something like "communication overload" and than I feel exhausted and people start irritate me. I've always been like this. However, there were periods in my life when I was so obsessed with my hobie, that I thought all the time only about one thing and had almost no communication at all. However I felt completely happy with this.

I think you shouldn't force yourself, just do what you feel like. A lot of scientist, writers e.t.c. are just like this. Excuse my errors, English is not my native language.

[mmacc2011]

Seawave, I can totally relate to you. I'm single and will soon live alone...by myself. A year ago, that concept would have scared me rigid, but it's how you spend your alone time. I have mates, a few very dear to me, but any more than a couple of hours and I'm crying out for peace and quiet and to be by myself.

In the past, we've been to the pub, and after, I've walked home by myself, even though there was a car going my direction, just so I could be alone. For me, so long as I'm happy, and my mates understand, there is no problem. They know I need a lot of space and time to myself, and they accept it. They know that by letting me have as much of my own space as I need, the friendship is better and never strained.

Another example, I spent a year in Switzerland about 5 years back. I went with noone, for a job there for 13 months. I knew noone bar the office staff who interviewed me for the job, I didn't speak the language initially and I had no idea what there was to do. I sat for 6 months of those 13 and waited, because I was scared to do stuff alone. Then I decided to travel one weekend. And it was brilliant. And I travelled every weekend after that, every single weekend something, and I loved it. I worried that I'd be judged for exploring alone, but that went quickly and hands down it's my choice of way to do things.

Don't get me wrong, I love to be with mates and do things together, sometimes, but there is nothing that will stop me doing something by myself if I want that me time. 5 years on, and I regularly takes days off work and go off somewhere by myself, to recharge and just for a bit of alone time, and it's bliss.

Bottom line, I think you're fine. I can't help with feeling irritated, I get that too, so let me know when you get an answer! When that happens for me, that my time to politely excuse myself and go my own way for a bit.

[Seawave]

Wow it is pretty nice to hear that there are some people like me out there. This forum is great and you guys too. Thanks a lot.